“All organisms with complex nervous systems are faced with the moment-by-moment- question that is posed by life: What shall I do next?”
Sue Savage-Rumbaugh / Roger Lewin
I’m making decisions in every conscious moment from a huge range of possible things I could do.
Right now I’m typing. Each tap on the keyboard represents a decision to carry on writing against some other attractive possibilities. I could make myself a coffee, take a nap, put on some music, go for a walk. The list of options is only limited by my imagination.
Yet I choose this tap tap tap on the keys of my laptop even though nobody is standing over me with a gun pointed at my head.
I choose everything
My point is that EVERYTHING I do is a decision from a range of choices. It’s not always an easy decision, but it is a decision nonetheless, and it is MY decision.
Sometimes, though, I find I’m telling myself I ‘Have To’ do certain things and that I have no choice. Some years ago that was pretty much how I lived my whole life. I had to have a job because I had to earn money to maintain the mortgage I had to have to be able to buy the house I lived in. I had to own the house rather than rent because married people had to do that, yes?
I could fill the post with all the things I ‘had to’ do, but I think you get the point.
All that big picture stuff played out the same way in the day to day decisions.
I reckon that at least 75% of what I did in a typical day, and 90% of how I lived my life was motivated by the words ‘I Have To’. I think I’ve moved it to 30% and 25% which is a huge step forward and I look forward to the day when both are at zero!
The universal law of ‘Have To’
I often hear people tell me that they have responsibilities and duties. If everyone did just what they wanted then the world would collapse in chaos because there are some things people just have to do, they tell me! Then they list some sterling examples, such as pay taxes, send kids to school, earn money, stay within the law.
What’s on your list?
As a scientific theory ‘some things people just have to do‘ doesn’t stand up to too much scrutiny. If you can find just one example of someone who doesn’t do it, then clearly it’s not a universal law.
My guess is if you go through your own ‘Have To’ list you’ll find at least one exception for each item.
So if it’s not a universal law, who told you it applies to you? What are your reasons for doing this with a ‘Have To’ rather than a ‘Choose To’? What consequences are you avoiding by doing this thing? What benefits are you gaining by doing it?
I’m not suggesting to stop paying taxes, sending kids to school etc.. I am suggesting that you choose to do these things and are not compelled to do them.
If I choose to do something then, I believe, I enjoy it more and I take more responsibility.
Why we ‘Have To’
Sometimes I genuinely don’t have a choice and there is only one possibility. Is this ever true? I think it’s a lack of imagination rather than a lack of choice.
In the highly unlikely event someone was pointing a gun at me to force me to finish this post, I would still have a choice. I might not like the alternatives, but they are still there.
Another reason might be that I don’t want to take responsibility for the consequences of my decisions.
‘It wasn’t my fault, I didn’t want to publish this article but I had to. There was a gun pointing at my head.’
This used to be quite common in many parts of the public sector (for example) where employees hid behind regulations and procedures. I don’t think they had guns aimed at them but they often acted as though they did.
Mostly though I think ‘Have To’ thinking is passed to us from an early age as part of our socialisation (or ’social control’). It’s much easier to get me to obey if I can be convinced I have no choice.
What to do about it?
Of course there is no reason you have to do anything about it.
There might be some good reasons why you might choose to.
I’m pretty sure that anything done from an energy of choice is more enjoyable than those from an energy of no-choice and probably the quality and value created is also going to be higher.
More importantly, I believe much violence is carried out under the mistaken view that it is the only way and there’s no choice.
I’m convinced that if everything we do is out of choice there would be far less violence in the world.
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Ian,
This is so true. We have a choice, even choosing not to do anything is a choice. And I agree that if everyone realised this there would be a lot less unhappiness.
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Ian’s reply:
Daphne, I find it so supportive and comforting that you are often the first person to leave a comment here. I just wanted you to hear how grateful I am for that.
And thanks for the addition, that doing nothing is also a choice. I agree completely.
Hi Ian,
I have often found that people think that there are these set of “rules” that everyone must follow in order to lead a proper life. When you ask them the reasoning for the rules, people often get flustered because they do not know.
When I was in my late twenties, I decided that the time had come to stop doing what everyone expected I should do and figure out what I wanted. It was amazing how angry some of my family and friends became. I realized that their sense of life was shaken because I decided to take a break from being a lawyer and go live in India for six months so that I could work on myself and figure out what I wanted out of my life. I was disowned by some relatives and I did lose some friends. Let me tell you, it was one of the wisest decisions in my life.
Life is short and we each are the creator of our world. People are afraid of this responsibility so they spend most of their life just going through the motions. Yes, there are chores of daily living which need to be met. However, our world is a reflection of our actions.
Apologies on the lengthy comment but this post was just so awesome!
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Ian’s reply:
Nadia. If I didn’t enjoy your comment then I might accept your apology for the length. As it is, I just wanted to hear more!
I’ve had people close to me freak out about some of my life choices. I’m not saying they were all great choices, but at least they were mine and I take responsibility for them. And you know, I used to be an accountant (one of the ‘big four’, so pretty serious stuff!) and some people still struggle to accept that I changed that around 12 years ago. So I can almost relate to the lawyer thing. lol
This is such a great article, WELL-FARKIN-DONE! In the big picture, it really doesn’t matter except we have decided to make it matter. Taking ownership of that is taking ownership of our life. Yes. Yes!
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Ian’s reply:
Awww shucks! I’m all for taking ownership of our lives, warts and all.
Great post, Ian!
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Ian’s reply:
lol
Great points Ian
@ Nadia – brilliant comment!
“I have to” often means the task becomes a chore, even when the task is not a chore. A bit like “I must” or “I should”.
“I choose to” on the other hand gives the doing far more meaning and a sense of responsibility and control – one word change leads to an empowering state of mind.
A great question to ask is “Why?” – if you keep asking it, it often dissolves what was seen as a problem or considered a must do action.
Ian – Thanks for choosing to create this post.
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Ian’s reply:
Thanks Paul. I’m often amazed myself at the power of words, even those that remain unspoken. Change one word and change your life. It often really is as simple as that!
Wonderful article Ian. The power of choice is definitely one that leads people to not only living life in a way that is important to them, but it also leads people to realize how important the things they currently think they have to do actually are.
A lot of excuses get made around events in life and those excuses are simple a reflection of not knowing or understanding one’s ability to choose. Becoming conscious and willing to accept every choice, absolutely makes your life and actions more meaningful and enjoyable.
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Ian’s reply:
Thanks Mike for the comment and the link to your own post on the subject (which I highly recommend!).
I’d not thought about it before, but I think you’re right that excuses are our inability to see the choices we have. I appreciate the inspiration!
This is so very true. Our daily list of ‘have-tos’ are often longer then they have to be. Or do they have to be anything?
I really liked this post and it made me think a great deal about those things we have to do and those we choose to do and when to call a spade a spade.
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Ian’s reply:
Hi Kim. I quite often sit down and list out all the things I think I ‘have to’ do and use a simple process to transform them into things I choose to do.
But I’m going to leave you in suspense and leave that until another post! I can be quite cruel at times! lol
I am at a point in my life that many of my choices have left me in the “have to” mode. No matter how much I think I have to do something there is still the choice.
So I choose to go to work everyday so I can live in the house I live in, drive the car I drive and oh yeah, the John Deere!
A few years ago, I did however choose to downsize the house and car so I could change jobs.
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Ian’s reply:
Ah yes, the John Deere. Personally I find it important to focus myself on the things I gain by doing those things that are not so much fun. It helps to see the value on the choice I make.
I changed my life a few years ago and really couldn’t go back to being employed. I just couldn’t take the huge amount of day to day ‘have to’s’ imposed by the organisation. I salute all those who can take it!
Thanks for this post. One exercise I’ve done with people is to have them notice how they feel in their bodies when they tell themselves “I should finish this project” or “I have to get married” or something like that. The answer is usually nausea or tension or both. Just to illustrate the kind of energy we create when we talk to ourselves in this authoritarian way.
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Ian’s reply:
Love the exercise. I’ll remember that in my next workshop! Thanks for dropping by, Chris.
Humans means that they have minds not merely brains so our simple truth is all about ‘choosing’ either they choose to do the right or the wrong things but still they choose!
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Ian’s reply:
Interestingly I think people only hide behind ‘have to’ when they know what they’re doing is bad for them or others.
[...] I’ve crossed long ago. Yet it’s still one that haunts me every day of my life. Some people wisely think that the things we “have to” do might not be so necessary. I can agree to [...]
Just found this blog.
Awesome stuff. This post NAILS the concept of social conditioning.
Observe the people and the environment you interact with – you’ll most likely go ‘wow – that’s some messed up stuff’. People do stuff and don’t even know why they are doing it.