In life I make many mistakes and get a lot of stuff ‘wrong’ every day. I’ve lived many years with an idea that getting something ‘wrong’ deserves punishment – physical, emotional or psychological and I decided to change how I think about this concept of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ I grew up with.
I’m usually my own harshest critic and punish my ‘wrongdoing’ with guilt or embarrassment. Either that or I deny responsibility and point the finger somewhere else, trying to pass blame and shame off my own shoulders and onto someone else’s.
How did I learn this concept of ‘wrong’?
Here some examples:
- At school when I got something wrong in class I was punished with a low grade (or a couple of times publicly ridiculed)
- At home when I got something wrong I was slapped (not very hard, I admit), made to feel guilty or educated about my mistake
- In church (I went until the age of 14) I was taught that if I get it wrong big time (sin) then I’ll head for eternal damnation in the fiery pit
- When I broke the law then, depending on the seriousness of my ‘wrongdoing’, I got fined (a couple of speeding tickets) or imprisoned (not me – a distant second cousin). In some places they murder ‘wrongdoers’ and call it execution (I live in Europe, so I’m safe from this!)
- If I listen to the ‘wrong’ music (for example, Celine Dion*) or wear the ‘wrong’ clothes, then I’m punished by my peers by being laughed at (if I was famous, which I’m not, then I’d be a regular subject of sarcastic journalism in the fashion press!).
This way of thinking isn’t serving me. The reality is that I often get stuff ‘wrong’ and beating myself up (or being beaten up) is neither constructive nor healthy. I’m developing a way of thinking and acting where I can’t do anything ‘wrong’ because I don’t have this concept in my head.
I’m talking about the situations where I’m clear I messed up and not the times we just disagree (for example, I think 2+2=5 and you think something different). You know I screwed up, I know it, everyone and her dog knows it. Those situations where my actions have damaging consequences for other people.
For example, I run down the street, bump into you and knock you over. I lie to you, you find out and lose trust in me. I shut myself away and you worry about me because you haven’t heard from me.
My actions (or inactions) always have consequences for other people whether I like it or not. Getting it ‘wrong’ in my new definition means doing something that hurts you (or me) in some way while getting it ‘right’ means contributing to your life in a positive way. If this is the case, why would I ever do something ‘wrong’ in the first place?
There are three reasons I can think of:
1 I’m inherently evil and deserve whatever comes my way
Now I’m not a big fan of this explanation and I think this notion of ‘human-beings-are-all-sinners’ has done enough damage and it’s time we moved on as a species! I put it here because I could be wrong to leave it out and I have no idea what the consequences might be if I don’t include it.
But moving quickly on …
2 I don’t have all the information
Most of what I do is in the conviction that I’m ‘right’ – to the best of my current understanding. But I don’t know everything and I can’t predict the future with any accuracy so I’m often ignorant of the likely consequences of my actions. It turns out from time to time that there are consequences I didn’t know about or information I was missing. If I had known then I probably would have done something different.
As I’m running down the street, concentrating hard on getting to my meeting, I’m unaware of your presence. If I had been, then I’d have slowed down!
3 I didn’t know another way
It happens that I know exactly what the consequences will be but I just don’t know any other way of behaving at the time. If I’d seen an alternative course then I would have taken it.
I was feeling insecure and afraid of telling you the truth and to protect myself I lied. I knew you would find out and stop trusting me but in that moment I didn’t know any other way to feel safe. I would have told the truth if I’d known how to do so and feel secure at the same time.
This is not about making excuses or absolving myself of responsibility. In fact it’s the opposite. It’s about seeing clearly and taking responsibility for the consequences of my actions. I did something that damaged you and I’ve learned. Next time I’ll act differently. I’m not going to beat myself up about it by blaming or punishing myself and if I choose to apologise it will be out of genuine sadness at the results of my action and not motivated by ‘repentance’ thinking.
Isn’t this healthier and more real than going on the attack? Isn’t this a more gentle and loving way to learn from my mistakes?
* I just want to be clear about this. I do NOT enjoy the music of Celine Dion. Despite having one of her albums. But I never listen to it. Honest!
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I think our attitudes have a lot to do with how we were raised. I’m trying hard to be easier on my kids than my parents were with me.
“I was feeling insecure and afraid of telling you the truth and to protect myself I lied. I knew you would find out and stop trusting me but in that moment I didn’t know any other way to feel safe. I would have told the truth if I’d known how to do so and feel secure at the same time.”
This speaks beautifully to my heart in a healing kind of way and I just wanted to share that. Nothing more, nothing less.
Ian, beautiful, thanks, I feel re-inspired after having read this. Right and wrong – it is really playing a ping-pong with the responsibility, isn’t it? In interactions or in inner monologues. And we have been trained well, so it is, at least for me, really hard to hold my head above this right-wrong discourse.
But, my friend, there are some things that actually ARE universally wrong. Celine Dion? Wrong.
Wrong!
And the more you try to climb out of the hole and deny your responsibility, the more I know it is you. Remember, you are talking to a psychologist here!
So, burn it today. Now!
But this will pollute the air even more…
Throw it away!
But this is going to create even more garbage on the planet…
Hm. Let me think.
Ok, you can keep it, but do not listen to it.
Vered – so true! I believe that one role I play in the evolution of our species is to make improvements on how I parent my kids compared to how I was raised. I’m 100% certain that my parents did (and continue to) the very best they could in raising me – just my job is to learn and do it even better. This concept of right and wrong is one area I can make some change.
Camilla – what can I say! I’m touched by your words. Thank you, from my heart to yours.
Robert – in my defence, it is one of her French albums and most critics agree (well, me!) that they were much better than the English ones. And also in my defence, I, … uh … mmm….. pssss… no! There is nothing more I can say! Guilty as charged. I accept whatever punishment awaits (I fear eternal damnation to the constant replaying of ‘The Power of Love’).
Btw .. did anyone know that Celine was the youngest of 14 children? And she’s sold more than 200 million albums. Interesting!
Ian,
I think this article is great and I love your new perspective. It has a more objective basis than the traditional concept of “right” and “wrong”, and I’m a big fan of objectivity and Universal Truth. Your definition of what’s “right” and what’s “wrong” seems to meet my criteria for a universal definition!
Please do write a follow up article on how this new perspective changes your life. I’m interested to see what kind of effect it will have on your level of consciousness.
Thanks for the great article!
Hi Ian, I’m sorry for not following your blog for a while. I’ve preparing a new face of Stories of Picture for 2009.
[part of comment deleted by admin]
Hi Ian
I have a couple of clues that tip me off when I am drifting into the world of right and wrong thinking.
1. the word “should” appears in my thinking/speaking
2. I feel either a sense of creeping shame or rising self-righteousness
Now I try and translate using a couple of key phrases:
1. Using “I care about/value” instead of “you, they”
e.g. They shouldn’t drive so dangerously -> I care about safety and value driving at the speed limit.
then I might note
2. so I notice our values are not aligned in this instance -> so I notice that what they are doing is not aligned with MY values.
or
3.I add “to me” to my statements. eg It looks like they are driving dangerously, TO ME.
So this translation process works equally as well when one part of us is telling another part of us it is wrong. e.g. I shouldn’t have eaten those hot chips – what about my training program and diet? That was the wrong thing to do…
to: Oh, I notice something is disappointed I ate those hot chips because it really values consistency and reliability. And I notice something else that enjoys a little relaxation and values flexibility. Saying hello to them both. Acknowledging the needs of both…ahh…both wanting to me to achieve my goals – yes – and have some ease and treats too. Sensing how to hold both there…in my body/consciousness. Just allowing (not problem solving). This exercise is based on Focusing.
Anyway Ian…thanks for the start of what could be a wonderful series on right/wrong labeling – both the direct and the subtle..
Rahul – great comment, as always! And yet another inspiration for a follow-up post! I’m also curious to see how how search for ‘Universal Truth’ turns out. I suspect we just might be searching for a very long time!
Aldhis – good to see you again and thanks for the comment. No intention to offend you, but I removed the second part of your comment with the url to your site. I love your site, and am happy to recommend it, but would prefer to be asked. How’s that for you to hear?
Leona – love the tip offs and the extra internal dialogue. Very helpful! I recognise ’should’ very clearly these days and have a big rebel streak against it. It’s helpful to be reminded that actually the ’should’ (or right/wrong thinking) is actually an attempt to serve some needs. Challenge is to go deeper into what’s behind the thinking and not just reject it out of hand. Hadn’t thought of this as the start of a series … but now you mention it …
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