One of my articles gets a steady trickle of visitors from Google; ‘How hard should you smack your children?‘. A couple of people told me they liked the article and advice on alternatives to smacking would be really helpful for them. Guess what you’ll find in this post?
Let me clearly state for the record – I abhor violence in any form and especially when used by adults against smaller people who can’t defend themselves (children, in case that wasn’t clear). I regard any form of smacking as violence and I don’t believe it’s effective, does more harm than good and there are alternatives.
If you happen to be one of the parents who disagrees with me (take comfort that you are in the majority here!) I ask 5 minutes of your time to read this. And … please, please find ways to raise your kids that doesn’t involve hitting them 
So what are the alternatives?
1 When your child is in danger
I’m opposed to violence but not the use of force.
If my child is in danger, for example running into a busy street or fighting, then I have a responsibility to stop them. In the moment of danger, I don’t have the time to sit down and talk to them about what they’re doing and the likely consequences! I need to act and to use my physical force to prevent harm and not to punish or create harm.
- When they run towards the street – I run after them and physically prevent them going further. Pick them up if necessary
- If they’re fighting – I separate them!
I’m bigger and stronger (usually) so they may be hurt when I use force – but that’s an unfortunate consequence and absolutely not my intention. When the danger’s over, then I can sit down and explain how scared I was when I imagined what might happen if they continued. I can make a clear request about what I want them to do when they’re close to a street or they feel like fighting.
If they continue what they’re doing I can physically keep them away until I’m certain they’ve learned differently. This isn’t to punish them but to protect them (and others).
2 When your child won’t listen
Children are very good at learning, just not necessarily from what I tell them. They’re ‘learning machines’ and take in a huge amount of information from an early age. One challenge is they learn more from what I do than what I say.
I was staying with a friend who’s got two kids. The younger was hitting his sister over the head with a plastic toy. The father saw what was going on and rushed over and took the toy out of his son’s hand, which was a good start. He then hit his son sharply a couple of times across the back of his legs saying,
“How many times have I told you! Don’t hit people!”
I wonder what the little boy learned?
If my children won’t listen, I ask myself if my words are consistent with my actions (usually not!). Or maybe I’m using language that makes sense to me (a mature person) but not to them (a maturing person). Or perhaps they’re just not ready to listen right now, after all I’m not always in the mood to listen, so why expect children to be any different.
A technique that seems to work well with my youngest daughter, when she’s just not listening, is to say, “I want to say something to you. Tell me when you’re ready to listen“. So far she has always come to me a bit later and told me when she’s ready. I know I have her complete attention (for a few minutes anyway!).
I just don’t believe hitting someone makes them more willing and open to hear what I want to say!
3 When your child won’t do what you want
I see my role as parent to include establishing boundaries within which my children feel safe and loved, providing guidance and helping them learn. Hitting them might get them to do what I want but isn’t consistent with a safe and loving environment. Arguing ‘I spank them because I love them‘ doesn’t make that belief right!
When my kids won’t co-operate I ask myself two questions:
- what would it give me if they follow my request?
- what might be preventing them from doing it?
The first question helps me get really clear and prevents my requests turning into arbitrary “Because I say so” rationale. When I express the reasons why I want them to do it, I find they’re more likely to co-operate.
Kids push against the boundaries I set. It’s their way of learning and testing the safety of their world – it’s not a personal attack, though sometimes it appears that way. For example, when I misunderstand my 5 year old she’s started responding “Don’t you have ears?” (Hmmmm!!!!!). She’s testing, not attacking me.
They always have perfectly good reasons, in their terms, for not doing what I want. They want to play some more, finish what they’re doing or they simply want to do their own thing. If I can understand that and empathise with that then they’re more likely to come with me. If not, then I’ve got a good basis for negotiating a solution to give us both what we want.
Some argue that they kids need to know who’s boss – and to some extent I agree. But learning who’s boss and to get their way by violence is not what I want them to pick up from me.
4 When you’re angry with your child
It’s easy to say ‘I shouldn’t get angry with my kids‘ but that’s not very helpful. We all get angry at times – even me! And kids can be really exasperating.
But no-one can make me angry, not even my children. I get angry for a number of reasons and it usually boils down to thinking ‘this shouldn’t happen‘. I’m thinking my kids shouldn’t be so noisy, or they should play by themselves or they should stop being rude to me.
My anger is about me and my thinking. It’s inside me – my kids (or anyone for that matter) are simply catalysts. It’s easy, but misguided, to blame them and I prefer to look inside and deal with my anger myself rather than lashing out in the hope that I can make it go away externally.
So I simply ask myself what’s stimulating my anger? Maybe I’m tired and need rest, overwhelmed and need peace or frustrated and need support or co-operation. When I connect to my anger in a more understanding way I’m much more likely to communicate with my little ones from a place that’s calmer and more grounded. I may still be angry, but the violence has left me.
I’ve found that telling them what’s up with me and asking for their co-operation is much more likely to get them on my side. Blaming, hitting or yelling at a noisy or screaming child isn’t going to make the situation any better.
I welcome your comments and suggestions – they really do make my day!
Similar Posts:
- How hard should you smack your children?
- Stop making me angry!
- 5 Questions While Waiting For A Baby
- 5 conditions for ‘big step’ learning
- What To Do With Naughty Kids
- The Big Thing
Hi Ian, I’m not a parent but this still made for good reading. I like the way you talked through your thought processes instead of dispensing shoulds and should-nots. I’ve Stumbled it!
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Ian’s reply:
Happy to hear it was a good read even for non-parents. And Daphne, if you ever catch me handing out ’shoulds’ and ’should nots’, please, please send me a nasty Email pointing out that I’m not practising what I say! My intention is to write about my own views and experiences and never to preach to anyone.
[...] bookmarks tagged noisy When smacking seems the only option saved by 2 others evanescencegurl4ever bookmarked on 03/02/09 | [...]
Ian, this is another great post! I think you’ve addressed the 4 most challenging hot spots for many parents.
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Ian’s reply:
I know for sure they’re the hot spots for me! I’m happy to hear they might be for others too!
There is one aspect of corporal punishment that I almost never see discussed, which is how it affects a child’s future sexual development. When we encounter a traumatizing experience as a child, we often convert it to a sexual trigger as an adult. That is one reason why an activity like “spanking” is erotic for many adults.
ANYWAY, I don’t have children (other than the furry variety) but my foster parents managed to raise PLENTY of foster kids without spanking or corporal punishment. And two of them were ‘crack babies’ with behavioral problems.
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Ian’s reply:
I didn’t consider the sexual aspect. Very interesting.
And you have furry children? How does that work?
This is a really great site. I love the non judgmental way you present your beliefs in this article. I do agree that violence is not the way to deal with kids, even though I did smack my daughter from time to time when she was growing up. She is 30 years old now, so that was some time ago. I had a sort of (perhaps odd) “smacking formula”, Most importantly I NEVER hit her when I was angry, and I NEVER hit her hard enough to hurt. LOL. Do you think I’m crazy? You might ask, “So why hit at all?” On the rare occasions when she got a little smack, it was purposely and carefully delivered for the shock value. If she got a smack, she knew that she had REALLY crossed a line.
Just FYI, I’m not sure that I’m defending this as the correct thing to do… I may be. What I think I’m doing is sharing a balance that worked for us, and didn’t seem to have any lasting negative effects on either of us.
Peace!
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Ian’s reply:
Hi Thorne! Thanks for the kind words.
I guess many parents will agree with your ’smacking formula’ and it’s certainly very popular as a parenting technique. I was smacked as a kid in a similar way to your description and I can’t know what impact it had on me. I don’t think it did any damage, but I can’t be sure.
It used to be popular belief that babies don’t feel any pain, or if they do, then they won’t remember it when they are older. Most parents will know, without being able to produce any evidence, that this is just outrageous. Yet based on this belief, it was standard practice, even into the 1980’s, to operate on babies without anesthesia. I shudder in my whole body and soul when I think about that!
All I’m saying is that something is not ‘right’ just because it’s a widely held belief and there’s no overwhelming evidence of it doing harm.
I can add that I have 2 daughters and I lightly smacked the oldest a couple of times when she was little, (she’s now 16) without even thinking about it. I didn’t know any different. Over the last 6 or 7 years I have thought about it quite a lot and rejected smacking for all the reasons I’ve written about.
Thank you for bringing this side of the equation out for consideration. Yes, there are times when swift action is required. Some situations are non-negotiable, as you say. I do have difficulty coming to terms with parents who do not set boundaries in any way, shape or form. That’s our job. Our children will push, but will also feel secure in the knowledge that there are limits.
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Ian’s reply:
I find setting and keeping clear boundaries the hardest part of being a parent. Yet I’ve observed many times that when I do, it’s just what’s needed. Mostly I set the boundary verbally, and use a sharp tone of voice to show when the boundary is crossed. I have never resorted to violence, and I don’t use reward or punishment (either physical or psychological).
I’m not saying I always get it right, but then who does?
Some people believe the absence of discipline is the root of all evil or perceived trouble. Some people shift blame and view themselves as victims. Another view of this is an opportunity to expand mental discipline. This state is nurtured in different ways. Positive reinforcement is always an option.
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Ian’s reply:
Hi Liara. I’m not sure I understand the point you’re making. Thanks for making it though
Ian,
I agree with you here. If I were to put it in one sentence, I’d say, “A stitch in time, saves nine.”
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Ian’s reply:
Thanks for trying to put it in one sentence … not sure how it relates to the post though
Probably my brain being temporarily dulled though.
Love the alternative you present! It’s no good asking people to reconsider their actions without offering an alternative.
My girls are expert button pushers. I know this and most of the time I love this about them! They keep me on my toes and I am grateful for the constant stream of teachable moments and opportunities for me to improve me ‘kid communication’ skills. Pushing buttons is their job. Being manager is my job and violence is never an effective management strategy!
Lol.. Yes, I am anti hitting! So are my girls… They once confronted a mother in a supermarket for smacking her child on the hand. “Would you like it if I did that to you? I don’t think so! Maybe you should have a time out and think about your actions!”
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Ian’s reply:
Hi Alison. Sounds like you have GREAT kids! I’d loved to have seen that mother’s reaction!
Hi Ian,
This is a wonderful post. Thanks for such a mature presentation of this sensitive but important issue. I really appreciate your honesty. Re. the pain issue – I think pain that occurs before conscious memory begins is very dangerous.
Hayden,
From what I’ve read, the sexual implications of smacking are HUGE. Partly because of what you said, but also more directly, because much of it is done on the buttocks, one of the most powerful erogenous zones on the body. Unfortunately, our naivete (blindness) about what children are capable of feeling extends to more than just pain. Hope I haven’t said too much.
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Ian’s reply:
Thank you! It seems I’m starting to get to know the whole family now … and I’m very happy for that!
[...] While we’re talking about discipline, Ian Peatey also submitted an article for parents from the Quantum Learning blog, When Smacking Seems the Only Option. [...]
I found this from the blog carnival. I have found that telling my daughter “1,2,3 eyes on me” or “put your listening ears on” helps her to really hear what I’m saying. That does wonders in accomplishing what I need her to do.
Those both sound like great and fun ways of getting her attention. I wouldn’t be surprised if she uses them herself when she wants your attention?
Thanks, Ian, for letting us use this post for The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. I hope you’ll continue to join us for subsequent editions.
Well, I think the carnival is a great thing! I fully support what you’re trying to achieve.
Dear Ian
I found your article informative. I was a physically abused child, and my own four children were very uncomplicated (three boys and a girl) when they were small and I discovered the borderlines for my children without using my parents methods, and I see the results of my parenting today, when my children grew up to be happy secure adults.
There are no hard and fast rules in parenting, each child has his or her own personality, and good parenting is our ability to bring up the child according to our values, and taking into account the child’s personality.
Why did I read your article? My two young grandsons aged three and five are two very boisterous children. They are wonderful children, and the eldest is particularly clever, but he loves to smack and nip me when he doesn’t get his own way. He does not give up easily, and he will continue after I tell him that it hurts me and it isn’t nice for me. He keeps on going until I get so fed up I tell him I can hit him harder than he can he can hit me, and if he doesn’t stop we end up having little smacking competitions. I hate this, there must be a better way to stop him. He behaves like this when he is tired, and doesn’t want to listen to me. When he is over his mood, I do talk to him and tell him that it isn’t nice etc etc.
What else can I do with him?
Helena. Thanks for the visit and trusting me with the question. I’m happy to exchange Emails to go into this in more depth with you … to start with, my initial response:
I love the awareness you show in this comment and your desire to find another way other than hitting.
A couple of things you might want to get to look at:
1 What need is he trying to meet by hitting you? If it ends in a ‘hitting competition’ he may want to play. If he doesn’t want to listen he may want his own space and to decide things for himself. You say it’s when he doesn’t get his own way … and the last thing you want is for him to learn that he can his way by hitting.
Hitting you is probably an unfortunate attempt to be heard. You might find that by finding and acknowledging his needs will help. That’s not to say give in to demands or agree – just show that you hear. It might take a couple of attempts.
2 Picking your moment might be important. As you say you’ve tried talking to him when he’s over his mood. You might try exploring with him his ideas for doing something different when he’s more in a mood to listen. It’s about getting a balance between telling and listening. Kids tend not to be great listeners – it’s a skill we develop. But in small doses, a 5 year old will pick up messages.
3 When he’s hitting, find a way to stop him with just enough force that he can’t hit. This might be as simple as holding his hands so he can’t move them. It could mean moving out of his way! And keep the force in place until he agrees to stop. Just keep doing it until he gets the message. I wouldn’t try mixing holding and talking. One message at at time.
Hope some of this makes sense and helps.
I’d love to hear how it goes ..and as I say, drop me an email if you want to exchange a few more ideas.