Do some words drive you up the wall?
Are there things you hear or say that trigger a negative, maybe even an angry, reaction?
From violent words come violent acts
I once heard a trainer of the police claim that 90% of all acts of physical violence are preceded by an exchange of words. The police in his country are taught how to calm a situation, in the first instance, using only words. I’m not talking here about an angry tone of voice but about the words themselves and the thinking they reveal.
Since I started looking closely a few years ago at how I communicate, I discovered the power of words to trigger violence to myself or others. Unless I’m very conscious, judgements, evaluations, demands, generalisations all have some role in sowing the seeds of violence.
To fulfil my marginal obsession with lists – here’s my personal Top 8:
‘Taboo words you say to me at your peril’
In no particular order …
1 Must (or ‘have to’)
I hear “You must …” as a clear attempt to restrict my freedom to choose for myself. Behind this word is a message there’s no choice in the matter and, if I don’t obey, some unpleasant consequences will be sent down on me by way of punishment. When I do submit to things I ‘must’ do, then it’s always with a heavy energy. I much prefer the energy of choice.
My immediate reaction to “You must …” is invariably to rebel and do exactly the opposite. If you know this, of course, then you have a very powerful way to manipulate me – so I’m selectively rebellious.
Favourite response – “I don’t have to do anything!” (spoken in the voice of a sarcastic adolescent)
2 Should (or ‘ought’ or ‘supposed to’ etc.)
Closely related to word 1 but a bit more subtle and manipulative. This implies I can choose, but if I don’t I’m crazy or, at best, stupid. After all everyone else knows this is what I should do!
My usual reaction is that of the rebel (and again that’s selective!).
Favourite response – “Don’t use the ‘S-word’ with me!“
3 But
Not to be confused with ‘butt’ which I quite enjoy anatomically and as a word. The three letter version is usually just a sneaky way of disagreeing. Listen out for “Yes, but …” and I guarantee what follows next is either proof that I’m wrong or an excuse of some kind.
Favourite response – ‘Please, don’t stick your ‘but’ in my face!‘
4 Never
This is such an incredibly long time and disturbingly infinite that it just makes no sense. I find it especially annoying when used as a criticism, as in, for example, “You never wash the dishes”.
Favourite response – “That’s so unfair! I washed them on 15th April 1992“
5 Cucumber
You may be thinking ‘*??!**?? ..huh?’ and I don’t blame you as it’s not strictly a taboo word. I really can’t stand the taste of cucumber and just hearing the word makes me want to vomit. Best not to use it when I’m around.
Favourite response – “Take that thing and shove it where the sun don’t shine” (or improvise on the basic theme)
6 Cannot
I accept there are some things that are just impossible and if this word was reserved only for those, I’d have no problem. Mainly it’s used as a reason for not wanting to do something because there’s a better option – as such it is often a blatant lie.
If I ask you out on a date and you reply “I can’t!” You CAN, but you don’t want to. Fine, but just be honest!
Another use is in the mouth of someone playing the victim - “I can’t do it!” (said with an appropriate whine) – which is just as bad!
Favourite response – “Do you mean you are not capable or that you don’t want to?”
7 Sorry
I’m all for admitting my mistakes, learning from them and expressing this from my heart. ‘Sorry’ can be a useful shorthand but often it’s said with a negative, ‘poor me’ energy that’s more like self abuse than genuine regret.
Favourite response – “Don’t dump your sorrow on me. I want to know what you learned”
8 Hate
I find this such a strong word of violence I get nervous whenever I hear it.
Favourite response – Run away as fast as I can.
You may think some of the suggested responses are rather immature and not in keeping with the theme of nonviolence. All I can say is – I completely agree!
Which words get under your skin? How do you respond?
Similar Posts:
- Have you ever been lazy?
- Sticks and stones
- You don’t have to do anything
- Do My Words Improve Silence?
- Violent by nature
- Start Here – Passion and Compassion
Hi Ian, I like this fun post! Though it’s serious too of course. The only phrase that ever got me into a rage was “That’s ridiculous!” in response to my courageously expressed tender feelings!
__________
Ian’s reply:
I can imagine that was pretty painful to hear after expressing your vulnerability!
this is a great post, i think that it is such a great idea to be aware of words that trigger you. i can relate to most of the ones that you listed. sorry is a big one to me, i wish it wasn’t. but in today’s society it seems so much time is put into lip service and very little into action, i’d rather someone acted like they were “sorry” than to say it. i’ll have to put some thoughts into other words that are triggers for me. i just found your blog and i’m glad i did. it’s great and what a perfect theme. thanks.
__________
Ian’s reply:
A warm welcome to you!
I’m reminded of the song title ‘Sorry seems to be the hardest word’. In fact it’s an easy word, just hard to get to what’s behind the sorrow in a way that’s healing for both.
Ian, this post sends a powerful message. As people slowly raise awareness about what kinds of thoughts do and do not serve them, then they begin to decondition their minds and stop using any vocabulary of words that belittle their true abilities. NOtably, Obi-Wan Kenobi of Star Wars tells us : “do or do not, there is no try.”
__________
Ian’s reply:
‘TRY’ .. oh yes, that’s another taboo word. That Obi-Wan … he was a wise man!
[...] post on banned words over at Ian’s, Quantum Learning: Top 8 taboo words. I have a couple of taboo words myself (stupid and idiot head my list). My challenge today is, [...]
Enjoyed this post. I’m finding it interesting how easily – and innocently – the word ‘hate’ rolls off our lips, as in “I hate it when he does that!” Some people, maybe even most, may say it is inconsequential, but the word itself conjures up a certain vibration that usually makes me cringe! In the end, though, it’s all about raising awareness.
__________
Ian’s reply:
I know! I hate how much I use it myself. I should stop, but I just can’t. Habit I guess.
Just realised that after this post then I must be extra careful what words I use in my writing.
Very good article i must. I actually wrote that saying sorry is degrading to you because at some point you are lowering your standards to that of the other person because you got rejected.
But now that you bring it up, its funny to think about the meaning of that word and how often people use it.
Its how i always hear the phrase “i was going to tell you”
and this is usually in the situation of one partner cheating or lying to another, lol.
__________
Ian’s reply:
Thanks Tom. Why is it sometimes so hard to tell the direct truth? Maybe phrases like that just help us feel a bit less guilty.
Hi Ian,
Good to discover your blog. One word that “always” triggers my conscious response is ALWAYS.
Whenever I hear someone say to me, “Sunny, you are always …..” I tend to respond, “Oh, really? Always?”
Usually when the message gets across to the the person using that word, his flow of negativity is interrupted.
So we need to understand that we can not use the word, always, always.
__________
Ian’s reply:
Welcome … delighted to have you here! ‘Always’ nearly made it onto the list for similar reasons as ‘never’. They are both infinite and so have little sense to them.
Hey! Loved the article, especially that picture at the bottom. Where’d you get it?
__________
Ian’s reply:
Thanks! I get most of my pictures from a website called stock.exchng
I especially try to avoid using the word ‘hate’ as I agree it is a pretty negative word, but I think I’ve let it slip lately so this is a good reminder. I don’t have strong feelings either way about the use of the word ‘cucumber’ though.
__________
Ian’s reply:
We cucumber-haters are a rare sub-species! Mostly I get the reaction, “but it doesn’t taste of anything!”. Well, to me, it most definitely has a taste!
A fascinating list.
I feel exactly the same as you do about cucumber, except my word is rockmelon *shudder*…
__________
Ian’s reply:
I was starting to think I was all alone! And thankfully you pop by!
Ian, you MUST admit – although you SHOULD NEVER use these words causally, sometimes you just CANNOT help it. Oops, did I really just do that? SORRY! Man, I HATE it when that happens. BUT you know what? I HATE CUCUMBERS even more.
Anyway, this is a great post and a great blog! I think I’ll stick around.
__________
Ian’s reply:
Michael … NEVER again! You CANNOT and SHOULD not come back if you’re going to use the word CUCUMBER! You know how much I HATE it! You MUST promise next time you visit to prostrate yourself and say SORRY, BUT only if you really mean it!
I’m starting to enjoy these words more and more.
Hi Ian
I have a bit of a problem using the word “wish”. It depends on the context, but I find it rather unempowering. For me, “wish” can imply that it is simply not possible.
(Although, sometimes it can be nice to use in a fantastical manner.)
Juliet
__________
Ian’s reply:
Hi Juliet! How are you? Back to full health I hope?
It’s become clear to me that when I have a problem with some of these words it’s because they’re being used out of context. ‘Wish’ and ‘try’ are great examples! And I agree that fantastical wishing can be really enjoyable!
LOL!
Okay, Ian. I’m really sorry. It won’t happen again. I promise.
__________
Ian’s reply:
OK then! That’s much better.
My pet peeve is the phrase: “It can’t be done.”
Those who say it are placed into one of two categories: the unimaginatively stupid or the irretrievably lazy.
Anyone who has even a smidgen of intelligence knows that anything can be done and that phrase challenges them to find the way to do it.
__________
Ian’s reply:
I agree 95% of the time it’s used this way. At the risk of being seen as stupid or lazy (sometimes I am!) I’d reserve 5% for those times when something really is impossible.
Funnily enough I find the word ‘blog’ very jarring. It would have been so much nicer if they’d been called wlogs.
__________
Ian’s reply:
Hi Ian – another English Ian Abroad! There’s lots of words in the virtual world that jar with me too. Twitter is awash with them! How would you pronounce ‘wlogs’?
Words are powerful. There aren’t too many that drive me up a wall, but I prefer not to hear “like” added to a sentence as in it was “like” so this or that. In writing more than speaking referring to something as “thing or things” too often will lose my attention.
__________
Ian’s reply:
I’m quite conscious of those habitual throw aways. I know for many years I used ‘actually’ in almost every sentence.