It’s pretty much accepted we form first impressions very quickly and on quite limited information. I know I do, and it’s a habit that doesn’t always serve me well. The problem is that it’s only a short step from first impression to a whole set of assumptions and expectations about people.
This experience was recounted to me a few years back by Nada, probably one of the most fully alive people I know.
“I was on a retreat in a forest by the side of a lake. It was one of those amazingly peaceful places where you can really feel the Earth beneath your feet and the Heavens sheltering you overhead.
One morning I decided to take a swim in the lake and, as there was no sign of any other people, I left all my clothes on the shore and went into the water completely naked. I paddled out maybe 50 metres from the shore and much to my horror, heard the sound of motorbikes.
Before I had any chance to react, the bikes had stopped and 5 leather-clad, bearded, tattooed bikers hopped off their machines and sat down on the gravel right next to where I’d left my clothes. They were as close to stereotypical ‘Hell’s Angels’ bikers as you could imagine and my heart was pumping with fear.
What to do?
I paddled around for a while hoping they hadn’t seen me and might go away. After some minutes they seemed to have settled down and showed no signs of leaving. By now I was cold and tired. There was nothing I could do except trust in my fate and hope that the worst that would happen was that they would see my naked body. I fought hard to keep out the other terrible thoughts trying to enter my head as I swam slowly towards the seated men. They had certainly seen me as they just sat staring at me.
As I got closer, one of the men stood up and grabbed something from my clothes and made a movement towards me. My heart stopped as he carried on, right into the water, until it came over his boots and carried on further until he was up almost to his waist. He turned his head away, held out the towel that he’d picked up and wrapped it around my body – shielding me from the view of his friends.
He took my hand and helped me out of the water.
Signalling to his friends, they got on their motorbikes and drove away. I never saw them again.”
I’m a great believer in intuition but I often find it hard to distinguish it from the media stereotypes, passed on prejudice, past experiences and other peoples’ stories I carry around with me. In other words, it’s very easy to confuse intuition with first impressions.
Here are a few pointers towards what might be ‘faux-impressions’ of people:
- They clearly fit into a popular media stereotype
- My reaction is mainly in my head, not in my body
- I’m reacting to them strongly after only just meeting them
- I’ve already heard a lot about them from other people.
After all, I want to recognise the uniqueness in all human beings and accept they will not conform with my stereotypes or expectations. I want to enjoy that people are always full of surprises.
Have you had situations where your first impressions were proved hopelessly wrong?
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Hi Ian,
I love that story! I must confess that I too would have assumed the worst in that situation, yet often people have surprised me with their kindness and sensitivity and left me with a renewed faith in humanity. This is another example to add to my belief. Thanks for sharing it!
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Ian’s reply:
For some reason many of us (me included) tend to assume the worst, even though people surprise me positively for more often than negatively. It makes no sense to me at all!
Wow, that story!
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Ian’s reply:
Wow, shortest comment on the blog so far! Lol
This is quite true for me. How often I have tended to make my own assumptions of people I meet but do not get to interact [primarily my introvert nature hindering me]. I tend to continue to carry the impression for a long time. The irony is in 5 out of 10 cases I have never got a chance to experience a correction myself [I have nevertheless been helped by common friends/acquaintances in dispelling/correcting my impression] while the remaining 5 have surprised me as in the story here.
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Ian’s reply:
So I’m not the only one! It’s a relief.
When I was in college I had classmates who came from the boondocks – the rural areas where the quality of education is not at par with urban colleges. I rarely mingled with most of them because of stereotype impression I had about them – poor, lacking in education, etc. One time I got elected as class president and was tasked to raised money through donations for a school activity. To my surprise the ones who were most gracious in giving their share where my classmates who came from the provinces. I was humbled that day and I still carry that memory with me. A lesson in life that I will never forget.
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Ian’s reply:
Carlo .. thanks for the visit and the story. Striking how stereotypes keep us apart … and always warms my heart when I hear of them being broken down.
“Have you had situations where your first impressions were proved hopelessly wrong?” – yes, and it taught me to be very careful when forming first impressions.
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Ian’s reply:
I guess it can work both ways … positive and negative impressions proved wrong. Often a good idea not to make impressions at all as people change all the time.
Hi Ian – Thanks for passing on that story. Sometimes it’s hard to do the things we feel we need to do to be safe and also be open and trusting. Maybe we should always assume the best of people until we have reason to believe otherwise
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Ian’s reply:
Yes. Getting the balance between safety and trust/openness can be a real art. Even better (though I haven’t mastered it yet) not to make assumptions about people at all.
Yes, I quite agree and second Amanda’s point. It kinda sets out the ‘guideline’ for a holistic approach. I’m happy she put the right one here.
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Ian’s reply:
Not there’s an idea … ‘Manifesto for an Holistic Approach to Life’!
Hi Ian, I liked the story a lot
I totally agree that the majority -not all- people are stereotyped regarding others + situations, something strange however it seems that people are lazy to make effort to change the image when they find the right one!
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Ian’s reply:
Something about the ego finding it hard to admit when it’s made a mistake, I suppose.
I have featured your winning comment in my blog. Thanks for participating.
http://acampaignfornonviolenceontv.blogspot.com/
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Ian’s reply:
Thanks so much Jena! And for those who are interested you might check out Jena’s blog which tackles the issue of violence on children’s TV. A worthwhile campaign!
First impressions have their place in our lives, if only to teach us to listen more to our intuitive senses. First impressions come from an entirely different source than intuition. I wouldn’t have known to listen to my intuition without having those first impressions proven wrong.
I don’t recall any stories but I do want to comment on assumptions.
Yes we make them all the time, and it is up ch.
to use to either change that or ask about it first.
For instance, you go into a job interview and say you did not answer a question with clarity, so you either said too little or too much.
Either way, the interviewer just assumed something about you that may affect your qualification for the job.
It is up to you to ask if they understand, and even if they don’t say it, you can usually tell by the expression.