Plenty of people claim to know the secret of happiness. They sell books about it, run seminars and some even get rich by revealing it. If I knew the secret to happiness then maybe even I could make a small fortune, catapulting this site to the top and making me famous.
As you probably guessed, I don’t have the secret to happiness. It’s not because I don’t know what it is but because there is no secret to happiness.
That’s right.
No secret.
“But what about all those gurus who claim to know what it is? Surely they must know something? After all people pay good money for their books, CD’s and workshops.”
I hate to be the one to tell you (don’t shoot the messenger, ok?) – but they are teaching you something you already know. They are packaging what we all possess and selling it back to you. They certainly know something, and it’s not the secret to happiness!
What is happiness?
I think it’s important to be really clear about this because I hear many people say their goal in life is to be happy or to achieve a state of happiness.
Happiness is ‘the state of being happy’, but what does that mean?
Happy is a feeling and conveys a wide range of emotional experiences including joy, contentment, elation, bliss and pleasure. We can feel many shades of happy, but we can’t be happy. This is important because if we’re striving for some permanent state of feeling happy we’ll never reach it. Best to recognise that right from the outset!
Realising that ‘happy’ is a feeling is incredibly liberating. Feelings come and go. It’s part of the human experience. To believe we can reach a state where we only feel one thing is to believe we can exclude all those other transitory emotions. It’s to believe we can become something less than human.
Feeling happy is wonderful. We all enjoy it and many of us would like to feel it more often. I think that’s what we mean when we say we’re searching for happiness. Not that we want to achieve some permanent happy high, but we want more of the feeling in our lives.
And there really is no secret to it.
Each of us has felt happy at times. We know what it feels like and we know the things that stimulate the feeling. We don’t need any secrets to be revealed. Every single one of us already knows how to feel happy.
Feeling ‘not-happy’
There are times for feeling happy and there are times for feeling something else that’s not-happy.
- If I experience a loss in my life, that’s a time for mourning and feeling sad
- If my safety is threatened, that’s a time for feeling afraid
- If I make a mistake and someone gets hurt, that’s a time for feeling upset or ashamed
- If I use up all my resources and need rest then that’s a time for feeling tired
- Etc..
The point is that as we go through life there are things we do, things that happen to us that don’t fill our needs and there’s no place for feeling happy. It’s part of evolving, growing and living to feel the full range of human emotions. If we strive to reach ‘happiness’ then we miss out on that part of being human. We deny the other, less enjoyable, experiences.
When I’m feeling ‘not-happy’ I know I will feel happy again, but for now I want to honour the emotions that are alive and not try to deny them. They’re telling me something important as they’re clues to what’s missing right now – and they’re signals towards action I can take to change that. For the moment anyway. Not-happy will come back just as surely as happy.
Happy people
We often talk about ‘happy people’ and this can mean at least two different things. We can mean someone who has a propensity to feel happy often or someone who frequently expresses when they do feel it. These are related but not the same.
I have a ‘happy propensity’ when my inclination is to focus on the positive experiences in life. I actively seek out opportunities to feel happy and I attract the things that are good for me. There’s no secret to this either. It’s a choice, a decision I can make at any time. There’s nothing in the external world that can force me to choose this – it’s up to me. In the same way if I choose a negative outlook on life, that’s my decision too. It’s surely influenced by upbringing, by environment and maybe by genes – but I’m not a victim of these unless I choose to be.
I can also develop my skills at expressing the happy feeling at the times I’m experiencing it. I smile, laugh, take a particular tone of voice and describe things in a positive way. Expressing happiness is contagious. Again there’s no secret skill involved and we all know how to do it.
The 2 ‘non-secrets’ of feeling happy
If you want to feel happy more often you already know how to do it. There are basically two ways:
1 Do more of what makes you happy
You’ve doubtless discovered many activities, environments and people that fufil you in some way and bring about this feeling we call happy. Spend more time with the people you enjoy and seek the activities and environments that make you happy.
You know what those are, not me and you don’t need any guru to tell you what they are. We’re all different and so it’s not surprising that different things make us happy.
2 Discover new things that make you happy
Chances are you’ve not yet discovered all the things available in life that will make you happy. There’s experiences you’ve yet to have that will bring you to the temporary state we call happiness.
Seek them out, throw yourself into new experiences and enjoy the adventure of life.
And remember – there’s no magic secret waiting to be revealed to you. It’s already been revealed!
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Hi Ian,
interesting thoughts. By asking “what is happiness” you ask a very good question. Recently I had my own shot at defining happiness, which aims to be more “scientific” and “objective” (as much as this is possible for a subjective feeling such as happiness):
“A person can be considered to have experienced a “happy” moment if the person
chooses to re-live it as an end in itself if offered at no cost.”
For the detailed derivation of this conclusion please have a look at What is happiness? ; I’d love to hear what you think!
Thank you,
Nick
Thanks Nick. I enjoyed your in depth article on the subject and left a comment over there. Thanks for taking the time to drop by here.
“Do what makes you happy.”
So simple, but perfect.
Simple is often best!
Love this post! Of course I do!
Thanks so much for writing this… You shared some great thoughts about happiness here and it’s such an important topic. You’re right about there being no secret to happiness. Happiness, in my opinion, is a choice and it’s something you have to work at and go after. No secret at all!
I agree that choosing to look for positive experiences and the things and people that make us happy … is definitely a choice!
I’m with PP on this one…happiness is a choice. You can choose to be happy, or you can choose to be misersable. Sometimes, it’s hard, and certainly no one can feel happiness all the time, but more often than not, it’s a conscious decision. I think it’s important for people to realize that they have a choice. So many people feel like they are stuck in unhappy mode, with no escape.
And I don’t think it’s even desirable to feel happy all the time. But I do want to choose happiness more often than not. To seek out new life and new civilisations, to .. ooops … that belongs in another place!
Hi Ian,
Happiness in my mind is a matter of perception and a decision to see life from a certain angle. It is truly a way of life. Granted, a person cannot feel happiness twenty hours a day, seven days a week. But a person can cultivate an awareness of life and recognize that life is truly beautiful and amazing.
So you are right, there is no secret to happiness!
Absolutely. You put it so much more succinctly and clearly than me. lol
Hi Ian,
I think happiness is a choice one makes. I believe when you surround your self with positive happy people it strengthens your prospective of being happy. I choose to be happy and have no naysayers in my life. ; -)
Great article. I bookmarked and gave it thumbs up.
Happiness as a choice seems to be getting lots of votes! Mine too! Thanks for the thumbs up support!
I really like this article and will post it to Facebook and Twitter! It’s refreshing to hear you say that there is no “Secret” to happiness and to speak so plainly about the state of happiness.
Just a thought-it’s my belief that even when you’re in a state other than happy, such as tired or grieving, you can still consider yourself to be a happy person. It’s just that you may not feel bubbly at that moment or in that period of time. Happy people grieve and get tired without it destroying their essentially positive view of their lives.
Thank you!
Oh yes, I agree. Having a positive outlook on life and seeking out happiness doesn’t stop you from feeling not-happy. Probably you’ll bounce back faster from the hard times though, and maybe not feel suffering so intensely. Thank you for the visit and taking the time to comment.
Thanks for this Ian — I think we could even say that the whole idea of happiness stems from our tendency to judge the sensations we feel in the body as “good” or “bad,” and removing the “good” and “bad” labels from what we’re feeling — rather than trying to force our experience into the “good” box — is all we can really do.
Hi Chris. I agree … up to a point. I do think though that some experiences are inherently enjoyable – and some are not – irrespective of any influence my mind may have over it. For example I enjoy the smell of fresh coffee and I don’t enjoy the smell of the dogs when they’ve been out in the rain. I may well label them – but it’s not the labelling or judging that affects my enjoyment – it’s the direct experience of them. But I do agree that distancing ourselves from our tendency to put things into boxes is a ‘good’ idea!
Great post. But what makes you truly happy?
Jonathan – what a question! There are many many things that trigger that feeling of ‘happy’. I’m going to avoid answering though … maybe in a future post!
Re. those points, one and two – so succinct and absolutely true in my experience. In fact, the first tends to lead to the second.
I also think the more we appreciate the things that make us happy, the more we invite new experiences into our lives.
Indeed an interesting topic !!depends upon the perception and attitude of person.I think one that encourages us to relive is happiness
It would be a much less interesting world if we all found happiness in exactly the same things!
I have found that as I get older my emotions are not as extreme, no more extreme happiness or extreme sadness.
There is more understanding that ….this too will pass….
Acceptance and enjoyment are the keys, I think (this too may change..)
I like your reference to ‘no secret’, exactly, we have all the answers, but get caught up in what we think we should be doing instead of just….. being.
With me it’s the other way around. I’m much more in touch with my feelings overall (including joy) now (45) than when I was younger. But then I was very disconnected from my emotional world in my early adulthood! Maybe it will change again with the years. We’re all different and I so much enjoy that!
[...] Secret of happiness [...]
Thoughtful comments! I like the Dalai Lama’s take on the key to happiness and life purpose. In an article this week he came back to a continuing theme that underscores much of his writing: compassion for others. His logic is so simple, yet so profound. Using prose that is clear and fresh as a mountain lake, he engages us in a thoroughly enjoyable conversation.
According to the Dalai Lama, our happiness is based on mental peace or inner tranquility. To arrive at that state we need to express or develop love and compassion for others, especially our enemies. In fact, they are our greatest teachers. Tolerance and patience should be our friends; hatred and anger are our real foes. Genuine sympathy, universal altruism, caring and responsibility are ways of being that can transform our lives.
For more reflections on happiness, check http://www.happiness-after-midlife.com/e-book.html.
Thanks for the comment Doctor Frank and for sharing this perspective. I agree with what you say .. except I prefer to think about empathy rather than sympathy.
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