On my first forays into the blogging world about 6 months ago, I quickly noticed the large number of sites devoted to self development. I’ve found many great writers producing useful and insightful material among the masses of obvious and superficial. I’m guessing the honour for largest representation goes to ‘Make Easy Money’ sites, but self development still has a huge following.
This is good news for me as I’ve been ‘into’ self development pretty much my whole adult life. At the risk of blowing my own trumpet, I consider myself a ‘professional’ in self development. I spent several years as country head of Learning and Development for a multinational and, apart from a few years as an accountant (of all things!) I’ve worked as a trainer, coach and consultant all my career. Now I’ve turned my hand to writing in my quest to help myself and others improve. I have an idea I know a bit about the field, and I’m humble enough to admit I’ve barely scratched the surface of what’s available.
I love to evolve, grow, learn new things about myself and the world I’m in. I’ve always worked under the assumption that self development is a ‘good’ thing and a lot of it is better than a little, and a little is better than none. I’m a little embarrassed to admit this, but yesterday I asked myself for the very first time, ‘What’s the point of self development?”
If you’ve delved into this site beyond the front page then you’ll have noticed my main passion is for an approach called Nonviolent Communication (NVC). If you haven’t delved, now would be a good time to do so! Anyway, I was in conversation yesterday with Petra, a trainer-friend of mine, and we were talking about all kinds of stuff. One part of the conversation really got my brain in a whirl and I’ll give you a short extract:
Petra “These things we use, like NVC, are all for self development, aren’t they?”
Me “Well yes and no. I mean it is about self development but that’s not the purpose.“
Petra “Uh?”
Me (Trying to explain) “The purpose of NVC is something else. You know, world peace and all that. But it does it through self development. Like all these different approaches we love, all help us develop. Development’s just a means to the end”
Petra “But isn’t self development an end in itself?”
Me “There’s no point to self development if it doesn’t do something else. If it doesn’t make a difference in the world it’s a waste of time and effort, isn’t it?”
Petra “I guess so, yes. Change starts at home. If I change myself then the world starts to change with me.”
Me “Exactly!”
My brain hurt after that.
I care about you, dear reader, but, to be brutally honest, I don’t care one bit about your self development, your journey through life or helping solve your problems. I’m not much interested in these things for myself either. It’s fine with me if you want to stay where you are and stop learning, if you lose your curiousity and love for life or if you don’t reach your potential and chose to get stuck in the challenges of living. I’m delighted if I do inspire people to learn and change but that’s not what I care about. It’s not the reason I run workshops or write articles.
I aim to change the world.
My purpose is to reduce violence in our world. My goal is that conflicts get resolved peacefully, and every single person on this planet is valued for the unique individual they are.
Self development is what I know best and it’s my chosen path for fulfilling my purpose in this life. But I really don’t care about self development, unless it brings us a few steps closer to a peaceful world.
What’s your own purpose in self development?
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Ok, so I think now is the perfect time to share my solution for nonviolence and world peace. It is going to sound kooky but there is historical precedence….kind of.
I’m convinced that the key to nonviolence rest with the women of any community. Especially in the most violent places, women are in poverty, objectified, and marginalized. (One reason why “The Girl Effect” is so powerful.)
However.
If I were in charge of ending world peace, I would pull all the women and children out of a country that is ‘violent’. Do you know how long men, a nation, could last like that? (And if I seem to be making the assumption that it is mostly men who are the perpetrators of violence…I am.)
People – ESPECIALLY people in 3rd world countries – underestimate how important woman are to their community, to their country, to their livelihoods. If women everywhere went on strike, left, took their children in protest…could you IMAGINE??
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Ian’s reply:
Doesn’t sound at all kooky to me! In fact, you’ve given me inspiration for an article sometime soon. Maybe you’d like to do a guest post?
I’m not so much of an expert, but intuitively it seems that the propensity for violence sits mainly in the masculine energy, which as you’d expect more often finds it’s way into life through men. Though, of course, women are perfectly capable of violence too. Margaret Thatcher was involved in a couple of minor wars, as I recall. But it does seem (with the possible exception of the USA?) violence is more endemic in those countries where women are marginalised.
Off the top of my head I’d imagine that if there was more balance between men and women then we’d see greater peace on the world stage, and private stage too. I’m fully in favour of greater male/female balance in all areas of our world.
I’m reminded of a wonderful quote (I don’t know exactly where it comes from)
“Every bullet finds its target in a mother’s heart”
Ian, I think that non-violence IS a natural result of TRUE self development (but perhaps not of the popular brand being discussed on many of our sites). Personally, I am interested in my own self development, but also in the well-being and development of others because I see a connection between the two.
I do agree, though, if all our talk and “self development” amounts to nothing outside of ourselves, then it is something of a joke.
On the other hand, I feel that a goal to change anyone outside of ourselves is foolhardy. That’s not to say that our example and teachings cannot change the world. I am already learning much from you, for example. But I believe that a person’s internal measure of success and accomplishment should be based on that which is within his/her control.
Ultimately, I think the best way to make a difference in the world is to make a difference in ourselves. We can (should?) strive to set a good example, and to share our teachings and inspiration with others, but I believe the results of these efforts will always be outside of our control. But that’s okay, non-violence also means not becoming impatient with ourselves or others if our teachings fail to change the world.
@Hayden Tompkins
I agree that women have a special role to play.
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Ian’s reply:
Hi Michael. I agree with everything you say here! What especially struck me was the comment about it being foolhardy to try to change anyone other than ourselves. Violence is so easy when I’m trying to change someone else and they just won’t do it! I’m always striving to understand what causes people to do some of the things they do rather than change them.
For me, self development is hugely enjoyable and stimulating which makes it a great thing in itself. And, as I said in the post, I’m only just asking myself what the point is. I believe there’s a point in everything, even if I don’t know what it is. Take this article as my first attempt to get some clarity .. and I appreciate you adding your thoughts. Your opinion helps a lot.
I’m so glad to have read Hayden’s comment. I’ve long said that if women held all the Prime Minister and President roles in the world, there would be no wars. We’d just yell at each other over high tea and talk for days until issues get resolved.
As for personal development, I do think it is an end in itself. We were created for growth, as all things in nature are. If we were all highly evolved, I think the violence would take care of itself.
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Ian’s reply:
Reflecting on it a bit more, I agree that there is an end in itself with growth. I do believe that one of my purposes in life, generally, is to contribute to the evolution of the human race (and beyond into spiritual ‘enlightenment’, for want of a better word). On that bigger, deeper level, then self development is an important part.
As I said in my comment to Michael, this whole area of the purpose of self development is work in progress for me. All comments are helping me get clearer!
@ Ian
Self development helps to form a foundation for our future. By wanting to become more than what we are by default, we learn to grow, and to expect more out our leaders and such. However, the foundation is important. When you look at a finished house, the foundation is most likely NOT something you’re going to notice, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not an important step in building a house, does it?
@ Hayden
I’ll give your theory a little bit of thought, but my first reaction is that “It’s not that simple”. I believe the number one culprit for violence is organized religion. I have met plenty of women who believe that violence is the answer, because that’s what it says in their religious book of choice. (And there’s a lot of books that say that). A good side note is that there’s not a lot of religions that advocate women in power. Food for thought.
@ Michael
I completely agree. Like I said, the effects on the world is a byproduct of our own indiviual growth.
@ Daphne
Some people believe that human beings are naturally violent, and need to evolve to become less so. Others, such as myself, believe that humans are naturally passive, and need to be taught how to be intolerant and violent. One way or another, your use of “evolve” is right on, because we need to evolve and learn to use our brains, and become less intolerant, less violent, and less greedy.
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Ian’s reply:
Not sure I can add anything to what you wrote, Trey. And I’m wondering why I feel the need to! What you say doesn’t really need anything added!
Maybe I just want to express my gratitude for your words and presence here!
Well, I’m relieved my idea wasn’t ridiculed. It’s not exactly the curse of Lysistrata, but close enough.
P.S. If you guest post for me, I’ll guest post for you!
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Ian’s reply:
I’m going to show my ignorance here, but I had to look up Lysistrata!
Dear Ian,
As it happens, we are in different countries right now so writing to you in this way does not seem so weird.
There is no doubt in my mind: the purpose of my self development is to become a happier, fuller, more joyful human being. One side effect I have noticed is that the happier I am the more I have to give to others.
There is a lot of talk of violence in schools in the city I live in. It’s why I have been requested and I offered NVC as a possible path to explore. A couple of hours in one of the schools in Bucharest and it was clear to me what the root of violence was: unhappiness. Unhappy teachers, unhappy students, unhappy parents.
We have been raised to believe that thinking about our happiness is selfish. Today I believe it might be the key to world peace. For when we feel happy we feel connected to everything around us, we joyfully give and contribute to others’ wellbeing.
Interestingly enough the ones who managed to change me into someone I like now more than before, into someone happier, were the teachers, trainers, facilitators who did not set out to change me, but just opened a door for me and offered me a possibility to go in or stay outside. Both were okay in their view. I chose to go in.
I admire any intention to make the world a better place and to promote peaceful living. I believe at the same time that if I set out to change the whole world, I set out for huge disappointment and frustration.
I for one think that every person we touch and inspire is a whole world that can contribute to touching and inspiring other worlds.
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Ian’s reply:
Wonderful to get support from my wife, my dear! Not sure I would keep on doing what I do without it!
I’m pretty sure that happy people are rarely violent people. And if self development is a route to happiness then that’s just great. I agree about the risk of frustration if I set out to change the world. The only world I can change is that immediately around me. And that’s not fixed as I can constantly be expanding that world and touching more and more people. This blog seems to be doing that, slowly, and I’m really amazed by how diverse and spread out are the visitors. Literally from all over the world, and people I would probably never have run across if relying on meeting in person.
Hayden
You do bring up a good point and I don’t know if its both genders, but men have the competitive factor in them, hence why wars, violence occurs.
I was reading an article a few months ago that featured women killing male babies because when they grow up they will end up fighting for food and territory with other tribes and therefore dying. This a small island either in South America or Africa.
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Ian’s reply:
I tend to think that it’s the masculine that is competitive and that’s found in both men and women. And I’m not sure I agree that it’s competitiveness itself that’s the root of wars and violence. There are many forms of competition I see as healthy and nonviolent. As for the article you were reading – I’m not doubting it’s accuracy, but I tend to be a bit wary of believing everything I read
I have seen first hand how improving ones self has given a person the power to then improve his family, then his community, then mankind.
Self is not always the starting point for everyone. But in todays world we are taught to look inward at ourselves instead of outward. So it works.
I saw a PBS show on Micro Credit. Women in countries like Africa and India were given small loans to start a business.
The repayment rate was like 98%. With the money they earned the women were able to feed their families, send their children to school and hire other people to work for them. The loans were not given to men because they would squander the money and not pay it back. I think that gender differences are taught and not innate.
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Ian’s reply:
I heard about that scheme too and it sounds just the type of development project that really works.
And gender differences?
I also think that many of the differences are social and culturally determined, but I’m not sure I’d agree that all are. I think there are innate differences in masculine and feminine energies and these come out in different ways depending on gender. Biologically we’re different, so I don’t see any reason to suppose that we’re not different in other ways too. The challenge is to fully enjoy and utilise those differences .. and it seems to me that society has a long way to go in that respect.
Thanks for sharing that, Ian.
And good luck with your goal, it surely is an ambitious one. Blogging is a great medium for spreading ideas and for changing beliefs, so I guess you’re already on the right path.
About my personal development purpose, well this translates to me into a “personal mission statement” and it took some time to find it. Basically, it’s about creating, sharing and enjoying value for me and for everybody who will want it. To do it freely and to not hurt anybody’s freedom with that. To do it with love.
I’m not here to change the world, I’m, here to change myself and create more value. And yes, that goes from material value up to spiritual enlightenment.
Once again, thanks for sharing and I will be here closely watching you travel
.
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Ian’s reply:
Thanks Dragos! You know, I think changing yourself is changing the world, whether it’s your aim or not. And I can say that from reading you and our brief meeting, you are adding value, and doing it with love.
Hi Ian,
Today is my first day visiting your site and I love the picture you have of the rainbow in the sky. I love the purpose of this blog.
I agree with your belief in non-violence. I have been a believer of the practice since I was a child. I think that was one of the reasons I became a vegetarian. I had read that one of the hormones that is secreted right before slaughter is fear and that it passes into the blood. I was a teenager at the time and I realized that by eating meat, I was eating fear and there was already too much of that in the world. That was back in 1989 and the world is much worse now.
I think no matter where someone lives in the world, we are connected. All mothers, regardless of her religion or location, desire the same things for their children. We all want to have food on the table, a roof over our heads, someone to love and someone to love us in return. These are universal desires. The sooner people recognize that there are more things that connect us than separate us, the sooner the world will be peaceful.
Strength does not coming from being violent but rather by being loving and kind. I find it funny that people sometimes look down at people who are happy and peace loving and think such traits are weak. If such things were that easy or weak, then more people would be happy and peace loving. It is far easier to be angry and violent. So bravo for being non-violent and for dedicating your life to making a change. You already are!
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Ian’s reply:
Nadia. Thank you for these words and I’m delighted to meet yet another believer in the power and strength of nonviolence. I fully agree about being connected and similar in more ways than we often imagine. Seeking those similarities while enjoying the differences between us, is for me, is at the core of living nonviolently.
I only recently became vegetarian (January) and now can’t face the idea of eating meat at all. Took me some time to make the decision, but then this living nonviolently is a continual process and not a destination.
I agree Ian, if you’re perfectly “self developed” but the world is falling down around you then what’s the point of that? Unfortunately the people who really need to practice non-violence probably aren’t reading your blog. But they should be!
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Ian’s reply:
I’ve been really touched over the last weeks by messages I received from several readers telling me how something they read here made a big difference in their lives. Taking a nonviolent approach to a particular situation helped them find greater peace with it. I think we’ve all been raised in a world that values violence, so even for the most passionately peaceful people, there’s still some unlearning to be done.
But yes, I guess most visitors here are already drawn to nonviolence in some way. But I remain optimistic that I can reach at least a few who practice violence and offer some practical alternatives.
Hi Ian,
My thought on the point of self-development is that we’re all here to make a difference to the world and we need to constantly and relentlessly grow ourselves to fulfill this purpose, which kind of agrees that development’s just a mean to the end.
Cheers~
Mark
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Ian’s reply:
Yes. And it’s a fun means as well.