With approximately 6 billion unique people living on this planet, there’s a lot of difference. No other person experiences the world exactly as I do. They all see it, hear it and think about it differently. They all have different tastes, preferences, dreams, aspirations, motivations, beliefs … the list is endless.
Enjoying this infinite array of difference can be delightful and a wonderful challenge.
I’d like to live my life enjoying and celebrating ALL those differences. Not only with those who think and act a little different from me but also those who are polar opposites. The further away someone is, the greater the opportunity for mutual learning and enjoyment – and the greater the gap between us I need to handle.
If I don’t have an appropriate attitude and skills, even small differences can be a major headache as I interact, communicate, work and live with others.
More than that, I believe our collective lack of these attitudes and skills is at the root of much of the violence in the world. Consider a ‘terrorist’ bombing, an invading army, a mugging on the street, a wife beating. Often they are not caused by differences or by some pathology but rather by our failure to handle difference peacefully.
Attitudes to difference
If I see the world as basically divided into ‘good/bad’ or ‘right/wrong’ then I’m going to have a hard time coping with anything that deviates from my way of thinking. I will use my energy to turn the ‘bad’ into ‘good’ and to correct the mistakes of those who are ‘wrong’.
In this view of the world difference is a threat and I tend to be repulsed by it.
Even if I’m open-minded enough to be persuaded to change my mind from time to time, this ‘either/or’ thinking puts my energy into division and separation. In order to change my mind (or behaviour) it is up to you to present me with substantial enough evidence for me to convert. Or perhaps I’ll put my energy into trying to change you, maybe even by force if necessary.
Take skin colour as an example.
In polarised thinking I might determine my skin colour to be ‘good’ and other colours ‘bad’. The further away your skin colour from mine, the more ‘bad’ you are and, while I might not try to change your skin colour, I might value you less highly and avoid or marginalise you.
Clearly this is a crazy attitude, but crazy seems to be very common!
I believe an important step is to change my polarised, static thinking into something that flows and to recognise that in most things there is a continuum and there is variety.
People are not black or white, but represent a whole rainbow of colour, and not just in skin pigmentation!
If I’m curious, every difference represents an addition to my experience and a chance to add something to my understanding of the human condition. I may be horrified, afraid or disgusted by it, but that’s a strong indicator that the gap is wide and the potential for learning huge.
In this view of the world, difference is welcome and I’m attracted to it.
Skills of handling difference
I don’t think there is any mysterious skill involved and it’s within all of us and is easily learned and refined.
Consider those people who seem naturally at ease with the variations in the people around them. I believe they are skilled in 4 basic areas:
- Finding common ground
Despite the multitude ways we differ from each other, at the core we’re the same. We’re made of the same material, are physically designed to a similar blueprint and we share the same universal needs. We drink the same water, breathe the same air and eat food. And we all need love with it’s myriad manifestations.
While I may not find common ground in our thinking, beliefs or preferences, I can always find common ground in our shared humanity.
- Enquiry
Asking questions from an enquiring mind gives you an opportunity to share your inner world with me. Enquiring questions are open (what? how?) and short and explore rather than interrogate.
- Listening
Fully listening not only to your words, but to the deeper currents of emotions and values. So called ‘active listening’ can be faked but not sustained. The highest levels of listening are an invitation to you to open up. It is a gift of my attention and space where I cherish your experience and life energy.
- Expressing
Sharing what is alive in me, my vulnerabilities, my joys and the journey of my life gives you a chance to learn from me. It builds trust and mutual connection and is just as much a gift as what you reveal to me.
I believe when we can relate to each other in this way, we not only handle the differences between us, but we can enjoy them.
Violence has no place when we approach each other as human beings.
Similar Posts:
- Nonviolent Communication (NVC)
- Conflict Is Not The Problem
- Sticks and stones
- Peeling off the labels
- 5 conditions for ‘big step’ learning
- Curse Of The Lightning Brain
Ian,
Another beautiful post!
“Clearly this is a crazy attitude, but crazy seems to be very common!” That’s the truth, but it’s hard to admit to ourselves. The duality of good/bad makes it hard to see reality clearly.
I like your Finding Common Ground idea. I often use something called Loving-Kindness Meditation to help me see the common ground.
So well written! I love the points you’ve made here and I really appreciated reading the list of skills for handling differences. I find that listening and absorbing differences through an open mind is the best way to handle differences among us. GREAT post!
Ian, you said it: finding common ground is the key. Let’s focus on what we have in common, rather than our differences. We all want what is best for ourselves and our families; we’d all like to suffer as little as possible. That makes us co-travelers on the same journey. At least for the duration of this trip, we should do our best to get along… or it’s gonna be a long ride.
Since our new President took office, I have been getting deluged with emails that use inflammatory language and highly polarized thinking. Basically, they fall into the category of hate mail, and if I read them I can feel my heart racing. I try to respond with something bland, like ‘I couldn’t read this. It’s too inflammatory.’ Reading this stuff is not in anyone’s best interest. So my question is, how to you listen to and inquire of people who spread hate? It’s not their fault that our bifurcated system insists we be red or blue.
Gratitude for your post Ian… that common thread of humanity is key and cultivating the curiosity for the other.
Hi Ian,
It breaks my heart when people judge one another on visual differences and fail to recognize the qualities that unites us all. I have never been the kind of person who got hung up on color or religion. I could care less what color someone is and what religion they follow. We are all one and we all are trying to find the same things in life.
I know that not many people think like this and it is sad because how much worse does the world have to get before people finally wake up and learn to work with one another instead of against each other?
I didn’t put a title under the second picture, but it’s my youngest daughter. Children don’t worry about differences and I don’t think they even notice them. It’s us adults who teach them that!
@Roger Loving Kindness meditation sounds great! Even the name of it is wonderful.
@PostivelyPresent Thank you. I agree, an open mind (and heart) is the key!
@Lisis I’m in favour of a long ride .. and I’m aiming for an enjoyable one too.
@Brenda Wow, what a great question! It’s hard to answer specifically without seeing some of these mails you refer to. I guess how you deal with it depends on how much energy and heart you have for it. I think self protection is critical when faced with others who mean us harm. It’s kind of hard to appreciate difference whilst being attacked!
But assuming that’s taken care of and you really want to enjoy the difference then I suggest you might want to look beyond the words the authors use in their mail. My guess is that the expression of hate is an unfortunate attempt to express something deeper. Maybe fear and a need to trust the people responsible for running the country. Maybe frustration that their voice isn’t heard. Maybe anxiety triggered by reading the news and not feeling secure for themselves or their family.
I’m not suggesting agreeing with their views and I’m not condoning how they are expressed. I do believe that behind every hateful message or act is a loving heart hidden deep. If we can find that then we start to build mutual understanding and peace.
I’m also not naive enough to believe that this is easy and I, for one, choose carefully how and with whom I put my energy.
If you’d like some more thoughts, suggestions or just a friendly ear (or eye) then drop me an Email – and feel free to send me a couple of examples if you want some more specific response.
@Mercedes Great to see you drop by and thanks for the comment!
@Nadia Breaks my heart too. I’m not optimistic that I’ll see a complete shift in my lifetime, but I do see signs that the shift is starting. Slowly.
Great post Ian, and these are indeed valuable skills to cultivate. I agree that differences in external things such as color and culture, or internal things like attitude and beliefs should never be used as a reason to judge others. Still, in the overall scheme of things there are actions that are universally acceptable, and those that are not. Being able to distinguish between people and actions allows us to love the people even if we find their actions unacceptable.
Hi Ian,
I think the world would be very boring if we all thought alike and worshiped alike.etc.
Most of my own ideals were influenced from birth on -from my family,educators and faith.
My significant other is European and I was raised in the US.I can only confess that there has been a culture shock of sorts at times.
Many I was aware of but since I am very much a part of it I have done a lot of
reading and taking with others about the differences.
I find Europeans have more of a sense of respect towards people’s privacy, life style,art, so on.They aren’t as materialistic.Meaning they want and have nice things but the need for several of the same thing is idiotic.
Things in America take a reverse action. People are more critical of each other and aren’t as appreciative to other life styles humans may be living or culture so much. This is my opinion- Not all but most are greedy snobs.
It is because of the way most have been raised of course.
My own view on this is we are a small country with a big mouth. I call it small man syndrome.I do feel we are on a better path with our new president.This is my opinion-
Getting away of from politics.
I don’t see color when I am talking to anyone.There has been times when fear of a person has made me cross the street.I end a conversation when someone is trying to empress me with money or drill their way of worshiping in to my head.
This is different from debating an issue.Arguing your point is good.
I respect others opinions and life style and they should do the same in return.Ones color,religion,public stasis or who they even sleep with is not my concern.
I told you – I had to wake up first:)
Getting another tea now- thanks for the great read!
I think it would be dreadfully boring if everyone was the same.
Ian, it is plain beautiful.
Hey this is a great post Ian. Reconciling differences is a skill, but we can’t improve it until we recognize it as such.
Anyone can see the value in accepting differences in skin color or race, but it takes an uncommon effort to come to terms with ideological differences. Can I find common ground with someone of an intolerant or racist ideology? That’s the real challenge, and I think meeting that challenge is necessary for human beings to advance beyond that kind of ‘us and them’ thinking.
Always a good place to start. Just being human means we have so much in common already, with everyone.
@Jonathan I like that addition you make about separating actions from people. Not always easy, but important. I know what you mean about some actions not being universally acceptable – but I’m struggling to think of an example. After all, if some were universally unacceptable then they would never happen, would they?
@Bunny Thanks for sharing your views on US … I’ve never been so I don’t have an opinion other than what I pick up from the media. And I guess that the image of America portrayed by the media is as accurate as the image it portrays of anywhere else in the world.
Seems to me that those who have some multi dimensional element in their background have an easier time enjoying difference than those who had a very fixed, narrow dimensional life.
@Flash It would indeed!
@Ioni Thank you
@David Thanks David. I’ve met many people who have a had time getting over superficial differences and never even get started on trying to reconcile deeper differences. I guess the level of challenge is relative!
Stagnancy breeds death. I think that all of our differences are actually what keeps our humanity alive. If we were all the same, how would we stretch? Grow? Discover new experiences? Rather than judging based off of differences, I think we should embrace them and seek out others different from ourselves. Great post!
Ian, I couldn’t agree with you more. That’s very insightful indeed. I do believe that the diversity of our difference is the key to better integration but it’s all about understanding + the perfect insight in the post.
@Lindsey It’s also the differences that give energy for life … the bigger the gap, the greater the passion. Just we sometimes mistake that passion for something else, such as fear or hate.
@Hicham Thanks for the comment!