One of my personal rules is not to talk about someone behind their back.
Until my mid 20’s I was a huge gossip (it is not true that men don’t gossip!). I worked in a small office in a close knit group. I say ‘worked’ but in reality we spent more time gossiping about our co-workers in other parts of the building. Mainly we used to talk about who we thought was sleeping with whom, who we liked and who not. Of course we would never repeat to someone’s face what we’d said behind their back.
It seemed to me that everyone was doing it. We were all TV addicts and often chatted about the daily soaps. The characters there often talked behind each other’s backs. We made it part of our daily life. Picking on mistakes, laughing at them and hypothesising about the intimate details of others.
Sometimes the talk was complimentary, usually it was not.
At some point I came to the conclusion that this was not a good thing – either for me or for the subject of my behind-the-back-talking.
1 Trust
One day a friend pointed out:
‘How can anyone trust you when you’re constantly talking about other people behind their back? I’m often wondering what you say about me when I’m not around.’
Now this seems pretty obvious, but at the time it was not. If I often judge you (good or bad) and only speak these things behind your back, how can anyone trust what I say to their face?
Clearly they can’t – least of all you!
2 Myth becomes reality
If someone hears what I say about you, they may believe it. As well as the opinion they’ll form about how trustworthy I am and my level of respect for others, they will certainly form some impression about you based on my words. This may be sub-conscious but will still happen, unless they are very self aware.
Next time they meet you they’ll carry that impression with them and not fully experience you. Their image of who you are will be distorted by the things they heard. For example, if I recounted a story about a mistake you made, they’ll be on the look-out for you to slip up.
My judgements, impressions and even the things I notice about you are not ‘truth’ but entirely depend on how I see the world. The things I say (especially judgements) are my own myths about you. I may not like you very much but I may well be the only person who doesn’t. I really don’t have any right to turn my own myths into reality.
3 Self reflection
I believe that I only notice things in others that are a reflection of myself in some way. They could be things I don’t much like about myself or things I’m envious about and wish I had more of.
For example, for a long time I had problems with my self confidence and wanted more. I really didn’t like it when I saw it in others – judging them as arrogant, self absorbed or abrasive. My desire to have more myself made me much more sensitive when I saw it in others.
So rather than make these judgements and turn them into cheap entertainment for the amusement of my friends, I started using these to look at myself. Each time I’m triggered in some way by the behaviour of another (good or bad) I use it to ask myself what it means for me. It’s a great source of things to work on in my own self development.
4 Energy vampire
It’s obvious that if I’m telling you something to your face (about what I think or feel in relation to you) it will have an effect of some kind. You’ll listen, react , maybe you’ll like it, maybe not, you’ll decide if it’s useful or not and then move on. The point is that it will make a small change in your energy.
I believe the same happens when I talk behind your back. We’re all linked together and connected in ways that I don’t fully understand. The distance is greater when it’s not to your face so the energetic connection weaker, but I’m likely to say things more strongly so the force can be stronger. I don’t know for sure what, if any, effect this will have on you, but why take the risk? Why suck some of your energy without permission?
I’m no longer a gossip and I rarely talk about someone who’s not there.
It may not be as much fun to listen to me, but at least I’m not having fun at the expense of someone who’s not present.
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“I believe that I only notice things in others that are a reflection of myself in some way. ”
I see this idea a lot and sometimes wonder if the brush used to paint it is too wide. For example, analyzing a character in literature could be viewed as talking behind someone’s back, yet it is a part of every high school and college English curriculum because it helps students develop critical thinking skills. Does it make me obsessive if I say that The Old Man Santiago is obsessed with fishing and American baseball? Am I part demon to note that Hannibal Lecter is a demonic serial killer? To say that what we see in others is solely a reflection of what we see in ourselves just doesn’t feel axiomatic to me.
@Brenda Yes, I did paint it with too broad a brush – I generalised a bit too much! I would have been more accurate to write ‘From my experience, the things I notice in others that trigger me are often a reflection of myself in some way’.
Interesting point about literary characters. Off the top of my head I’d say that part of the fascination of these characters is that we can relate to them in some way. Don’t most of us obsess about some things in our life? Don’t we all have demonic thoughts from time to time? Of course we don’t act on our obsessions or demonic thoughts as Santiago or Lector – but if we didn’t have some parallels to our own experiences I somehow doubt we could relate to these people.
Thanks for the comment!
Thanks, Ian. I think adding the word “trigger” makes all the difference.
Not talking about people behind their back is a great personal rule, and one I follow as well. The point that made me stop doing it was the one that you mentioned about not being able to trust people who talk about other people behind their backs. It’s true. If someone is talking to you about someone else while that third person is not around, you never know what they’re saying behind your back when you’re not around.
All of these third-person pronouns are confusing me, so I’ll sign off now
Jay, yes those sneaky third person pronouns! But I understood perfectly what you said so I wasn’t confused, if that’s any consolation.
I don’t consider myself a gossip and I rarely ever repeat stuff. Sometimes I will ask my husband his opinion about something I have heard. Only because I respect his insight to better help me understand something of human nature.
I never cared about the office gossip; who is sleeping with who that is just wrong, doesn’t have a thing to do with work.
I stick to each his own and will not put myself in the position of judge or one of the jurors. People are individuals and loving and respecting each people is the way I live.
Some people may think I am on fairy dust but the only thing that gets me high is life and the differences in people.
I really enjoyed your article, Ian.
Bunny. If you have fairy dust, why not use it? I think offices are probably places where gossip happens a lot to spice up the day. Certainly the office work I did was in desperate need of spicing up. That’s not an excuse .. it was wrong and harmful .. but at the time I knew no better. That’s not much better as an excuse though, is it?
Thanks for this Ian — I particularly liked what you said about seeing disowned aspects of yourself in others. If we find ourselves gossiping about someone, it seems, what we say can actually teach us a lot about parts of ourselves (the arrogant part, the sexually forward part, or something else) we don’t want to be with.
At the time, if you’d talked about parts of me that were disowned I wouldn’t have had a clue what you were talking about. But clearly that was a lesson I needed to learn.
I am so busted on this. I love talking about people and examining what makes them tick, etc. But I can definitely understand how this can create negative energy.
It’s also one reason why I left the legal field (and basically any office job in general). It is extremely hard not to get caught up in this kind of interaction.
Ah! In those days I would have LOVED sharing an office with you then! I didn’t leave because of the gossip but I did leave (the accounting field) partly because of the politics. But mainly because I was made redundant! It was a long time ago though and I like to put a spin on it.
Here it is again, Ian. I found this on Twitter today.
“We see the world as we see our self.” — Deepak Chopra
I believe it. I’m just not totally getting it!
I think it’s quite soundly based in psychology theory – ‘projection’. I do think, as you originally pointed out, that it’s possible to go too far with the concept though and see the whole as a projection. I don’t take it that far as I don’t find it very helpful.
Hi Ian,
I agree that the important stuff is being triggered. Also being destructive.
Sometimes when organising things it is necessary to talk about people and their work who aren’t there. It is the personal character assessment/assassination that is the problem I think. (And I do think that the pot calling the kettle black is usually true.)
What do you mean men gossip? Women gossip – when men talk trivia and about others who aren’t there it’s networking!
Ah yes! Sorry for the error. Of course men don’t gossip! Never. I don’t think we ever talk trivia either. Always deep, wise and intelligent stuff!