A very angry man interrupted one of the Buddha’s lectures and proceeded to verbally abuse him by hurling insults. The Buddha just sat there calmly. Finally the man asked the Buddha why he failed to respond to the insults and abuse.
The Buddha replied, “If someone offers you a gift, and you decline to accept it, to whom does the gift belong?”
The man replied, “To the one who offered it.”
Buddha responded, “Then I decline your abuse and request you keep it for yourself.”
Conditioned to respond
One of the things the Buddha did in this story was to challenge our conditioned responses. The man expected a response to his provocations. After all, if someone insults you then you have to respond in some way.
Don’t you?
But who said we have to respond when we’re insulted?
I often work with groups of business people and one of the tasks I set is to ask them to give feedback to each other. Often the feedback is critical in some way but we work hard to express it in a constructive way. More often than not the feedback is very helpful and sensitive.
Despite the fact it never even gets close to ‘verbal abuse’, the recipient of the feedback almost always feels some impulse to respond, explain, defend or justify. They get the point eventually, but at the start they have a hard time to take the feedback as a gift and to see they have a choice about whether to accept it or not.
Somehow we learn to respond to anything that sounds like an attack and we’ll each have our default setting we revert to.
1 Take up arms in the arena
My own default setting is to jump into the arena and verbally attack back. It’s based on a belief that this protects me by a show of strength. But in many cases the opposite happens and I end up in an argument or even a fight. I’m embarrassed to remember the numerous times I’ve got into an escalating argument by responding to insults, verbal attacks or criticism.
Sometimes it serves a purpose but mostly it’s a waste of energy. And even more, each time I ran the risk of it turning into something more serious.
I heard from someone involved in police training (and I’m sorry that I don’t have any evidence to back this up) that 90% of cases of physical violence are preceded by some sort of verbal violence.
2 The arena doormat
Another common response is to take it silently on the chin. I stay in the arena and allow the other person to mop the floor with me. I soak up the verbal attack in the hope that they’ll eventually stop and leave me alone. Maybe I even start to believe some of the insults and that I deserve them.
3 Stay out of the arena
The Buddha’s response in the story shows a third way – to simply decline to enter the arena. He explicitly left his attacker alone in the arena. He could perhaps have added how he was reacting to the outburst of anger, though I’m certain he had very good reasons why he didn’t say more than he did.
Choosing consciously
I believe each response has its place but each situation is unique so demands a fresh choice. A first step to making better choices might be to raise my awareness of how I habitually react.
1 Give myself space to check what’s going on:
- In my body – where in my body do I feel something as a result of this? What do I feel?
- In my emotions – what am I feeling? which emotion is shouting loudest?
- In my head – what words are forming in my head as a response?
2 They want to communicate something:
- Putting aside their poor communication skills – what might they be trying to communicate?
- Do I have the time and energy to hear what they want to say?
- Putting aside my poor listening skills – is there potentially something useful for me to hear?
- Keeping things in their rightful place – is this really anything to do with me?
3 My personal safety:
- This is my number one priority – which response is likely to be the safest for me?
- Which response is likely to make the situation worse?
I can choose a conscious response even when the verbal attack represents a significant threat to my safety – be it some form of regular harassment (at home, school or work?) or a potential attack by strangers. In fact, in these cases, I suggest a conscious choice is much wiser than relying on an automatic response.
Footnote
Thanks to Lea at Ocean of Perspectives for the Buddha story and inspiration for the article.
