The first thing you can do is get the concept of ‘naughty kids’ out of your head. You can surgically remove the idea of ‘good kids’ while you’re at it. I believe this thinking, that there are two types of children – one ‘good’ and the other ‘naughty’ – is the source of more stress in families than anything else.
It’s not the children. It’s not even what children do – though for sure that can be frustrating at times. It’s our thinking about it.
I was a good kid!
In my up-bringing a ‘good’ kid was an obedient one who:
- learned the social rules of politeness and applied them without question
- did whatever adults asked (parents, teachers, clergy – but not strangers, especially men)
- never complained
- rarely asked for anything (asking for a glass of water was acceptable!).
And they grow up into good adults who:
- maintain the ‘culture’ by following the unwritten rules of behaviour
- do whatever authority figures ask (parents, bosses, clergy, the government, even the taxman – but get suspicious when strangers ask)
- never openly complain, no matter how tedious, obnoxious or soul destroying the task at hand
- rarely ask for anything (buying stuff is acceptable!).
In fact, I was a very obedient child and for a while an equally obedient adult. I still get a bit nervous around authority figures (if I pass a member of the police force I still feel a pang of guilt, even though I KNOW I’ve got nothing to hide) but I gave up being good and nice a long time ago. You could even say I tend to live a very ‘naughty’ life.
No sniggering, please! That’s not what I meant! See? Even the word has been taken and twisted around so that it’s really not ‘appropriate’ to describe myself as naughty.
I don’t know about you, but being naughty seems far more attractive than being ‘good’. At least if it means questioning everything, treating myself as at least as important as anyone else, standing up for myself and only doing things that have meaning.
Encouraging the naughtiness
As a parent, I encourage the rebellious side of my children. I can’t say it’s always easy or enjoyable and I do wonder sometimes if it’s the right approach. I’m also often fighting my own up-bringing and pressure from others. But I want my kids to:
question the world and not accept things just because I say so
hold their head up high and make decisions for themselves, not because it’s expected of them
learn how to ask for what they need in life and not suffer silently for lack of those things
be compassionate to everyone – even strangers
do everything they do because they see the meaning in it not out of fear
Everything they do is part of their learning process, and I want to respect that and be there to protect them if they go too far. To be there to help them develop a strong sense of self and a clear and deep set of values to live by.
So I’ve removed good and naughty from my vocabulary.
There is a line, of course.
And that’s where they stop valuing the people around them. That stage of ’screw you’ rebelliousness, often accompanying puberty, is a tricky path to navigate but there is a line. Naughty becomes ‘unacceptable’ when people are at risk of getting hurt in some way.
What to do with ‘naughty’ children?
Celebrate it.
It could be a sign they’re waking up and growing into happy and fulfilled adults!
