You may have noticed the theme of this site is nonviolence as a lifestyle and maybe you’re wondering if it’s relevant to you. I’m guessing this because when I mention my work in the area of nonviolence I often get the reaction:
‘That’s great! But I’m not violent’
I fully understand, because I thought that until a few years ago.
I was brought up in a family of tolerance, calmness and peace. I never got in fights, didn’t hit anyone, shout at or insult people. If anyone had told me I might consider adopting nonviolence as a lifestyle, then I certainly would have given the same reply.
‘But I’m not violent.’
My personal revelation
I had a personal revelation (or perhaps it was a revolution) in 2001 when I attended, what I expected to be, a business related conference focused on the learning organisation (Peter Senge’s ‘The Fifth Discipline‘ was flavour of the month at the time).
Indeed there were many interesting things at this large conference and I got my first taste of NLP, meditation, accelerated learning and other wonderful approaches to self development.
Scattered between the array of smaller workshops were keynote presentations by apparently famous people I’d never heard of before and I found myself in Marshall Rosenberg’s slot. He was giving a brief introduction of Nonviolent Communiation (NVC) and, frankly, if I’d noticed the title I would have given it a miss. I wasn’t violent so how could it be relevant to me?
Those 2 hours were like a cold shower – very uncomfortable but left me refreshed and tingly afterwards.
Another analogy that comes to mind is that I was invited to lift the carpet on my spotlessly clean home, only to discover layers of dust underneath.
I realised, violence was engrained in my way of thinking, my behaviour and my appoach to life and other people. It was very subtle and easily missed under the covering of ‘nice person’, but was unmistakeably and undeniably there.
Looking back, it was the subtlety that scared me the most because subtle things often go unnoticed.
After I’d seen it in myself it became clear I was both a giver and receiver. It was also in everyone I knew – with no exceptions. Not only that, I saw the hidden strains of violence deeply embedded in the society I grew up in and still live in.
How am I violent?
If you’ve read this far then probably around this point you’re wondering what on Earth I’m talking about.
My personal definition of ‘violence’ is quite broad. It’s an intention and action to inflict either physical or emotional suffering. I know the definition is imperfect so please don’t get hooked on that. The point is, I’d always thought of violence mainly on the physical plane and not really considered it on the emotional level.
If you’re like me and think you are not violent then consider a few of these examples where I either gave or received violence:
- believing I’m the cause of other’s feelings (= me feeling guilty)
- using this belief to get others to do what I want (= others feeling guilty)
- doing things I thought I ‘have to’ because of concept of duty (= giving away my freedom and feeling trapped)
- using ’should’ to get others to do what I want (= trying to take away freedom of others)
- judgements to categorise people (= fear of being judged)
- believing I’m right and getting attached to ‘my way, or no way’ (= both me and others triggered into fight or surrender mode)
- putting aside my own needs to please others (= ignoring my own needs)
There are plenty of other examples I could name.
Each one creates suffering of some kind in me or in others. The suffering may be a tiny drop compared to the vast ocean of violence the human race is swimming in, but without the tiny drops, the ocean doesn’t exist.
Search for alternative ways of living
Having seen how I contributed to violence on the planet I determined to do something about it and find a different way to live.
There are plenty of alternatives available if you just search a little.
You won’t find them in the mainstream media and you’re unlikely to find them taught at school. Our society is still based on a paradigm of violence (both obvious and subtle) and change at that level is usually slow.
You will find them if you look, though.
You’ll find some of them here and you’ll find more if you check out the sites on my links page. You’ll find them in many organisations around you, locally, nationally and globally.
Most of all you’ll find them in yourself.
We all have peace and nonviolence in our hearts if we care to look for it. And that’s the best place to start.
