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Posts Tagged ‘Self Development’

5 Ways To Live With Fear

Feb 15th, 2010
by ianpeatey.
5 comments

Fear gets a lot of attention in the self development world – some of it rather negative.

Fear is one of the reasons that people don’t get what they want in life.

Fear is the most pervasive psychological problem we have today.

I disagree with this! Fear might not be very enjoyable but, as with many things I’m born with, is a wonderful tool! It’s like the lights on the dashboard of the car communicating that something urgently needs attention. When my needs for safety and security are compromised, fear is my internal warning sign.

Imagine having no mechanism to warn of danger. It would be like driving that car with no instrumentation, no headlights and with my eyes closed.

Exciting, yes, but probably a short-lived trip!

Fear becomes a problem when I misunderstand it, misuse it or allow it to hide what’s essential. I believe I need to develop my  personal relationship to fear on my path to inner peace.

Here are 5 traps I can fall into when I don’t effectively use the fear signal on my personal ‘dashboard of life’.

1.   Pull Out The Wires

If I don’t like the warning lights on the dashboard I can disconnect all the wires.

Hey presto! No fear!

If I can numb myself enough, fear won’t register and I can ignore danger. The price I pay is also to numb myself to all the wonderful things life can bring me.

Modern living gives me a whole range of possibilities for unplugging from the experience of living so if this is your chosen way to live with fear, then try some of these for enhanced effect:

  • take drugs – plenty are available legally, many without prescription
  • watch as much TV as possible – preferably soaps, reality TV and mindless game shows
  • get a routine job – the less mental and physical activity the better

2.   Dance In The Disco Lights

Picture a disco with lots of different lights coming from every direction.

Fear comes in many shapes and sizes, from mild nervousness through to paralysis and panic, and all the shades of fear try to grab my attention. These can be confusing and it’s not always easy to distinguish the feelings and read the signals. Some of that fear might be an urgent warning while others are gentle reminders of things needing attention.

Dancing the fear ‘disco lights’ is most likely from trouble differentiating between fear signals or it could be from an addiction to the adrenaline rush of living the life of a disco dancer (‘Saturday Night Fever’, anyone?).

If this is your way to live with fear:

  • live ‘on edge’ 24/7 – you never know when danger will come
  • treat all danger as equal and life threatening – well, it’s best to be safe isn’t it?
  • react immediately to the slightest sign of fear – don’t think, just do it
  • move as fast as possible from one trigger to the next
  • deal with multiple ‘emergencies’ at the same time.

3.  En-light-enment

If I have no attachment to anything at all I have no need of fear – it becomes a useless tool and disappears from my life.

Danger is only relevant if something I’m attached to is threatened in some way. If I’m not attached to anything then threats have no effect on me and I will feel no fear.

Probably.

Things I might typically be attached to:

  • money – fear of losing it or not having it
  • health – fear of getting sick, of disease
  • image – fear of looking stupid or making a fool of myself
  • life – fear of death.

I’ve heard some people define ‘enlightenment’ as the release of all attachment and hence the removal of fear. This can be a very seductive idea and I’ve met a few people who live by this philosophy. It’s hard to have much of a conversation with them as they seem to be floating in the air and there’s little common ground!

If this is the way you choose to live with(out) fear then be prepared to lose:

  • all possessions
  • everyone you know
  • your identification to everything other than your spiritual core
  • life itself.

That’s not to say you will lose these things, but your reaction to doing so is the only sure way I can think of to test whether you have lost attachment or not.

[On a side note: I find this a great way to look at life, but not especially practical for the vast majority of us. I do want to make conscious choices about the attachments I form, accepting fear as a possible price I pay. For example, I am attached to my own life and those I care about - I accept this comes with some fear when those are threatened.]

4.   Seduced By Bright Lights

There are plenty of people out there with an interest in keeping me afraid.

Not least of which are all those working in organisations profiting from my fear. The more afraid they make me, the more they profit – and I’m not talking about some secret mafia!

a.  Insurance

It’s  a dangerous world so insurance seems a very sensible thing to buy. The industry has a vested interest in pointing out all the things that can go wrong – theft, flood, accident, illness, old age. Even acts of God (though if I read the fine print I may find I’m not actually covered for those!).

b.  Banking

My money is clearly not safe so, for a small fee, banks will look after it and protect it. After all banks never fail, do they?

c.   Defence

The companies involved in defence might not sell to me directly, but they need my support to ensure vast budgets (from my taxes) are allocated to them. The more I fear foreign invasion, terrorists and attacks on my precious way of life, the more I’ll support money for soldiers, weapons and expensive trips to foreign lands.

d.   Health

Most of the ‘health’ industry is, in fact, more interested in my sickness than my health. There’s not much profit in me staying fit and well all the time.

e.   Media

Disaster, pain, suffering, violence gets my fear-adrenaline flowing in way that warm, safe stories don’t. It’s addictive and it sells.

f.   Government

Obviously my government passionately wants me to be happy and fulfilled with life. I have to vote for them, though, and an effective political tool is to generate fear – of economic collapse, invasion by foreign armies, cheap foreign labour and subversive ideas.

Ways to get seduced by all these shining lights:

  • buy and read as many different newspapers and magazines as possible – the more sensational the better
  • watch / listen to 24 hour News channels
  • spend as much time as possible around politicians
  • invite an insurance salesperson around for coffee
  • get to know your bank manager (like in  the good old days!).

5.   Blinded By The Light

Ever caught a rabbit in your headlights?

They sit there, unable to move. We tend to think this a very stupid thing but it’s a very valid fear mechanism – I imagine it worked pretty well before the advent of the motor car.

Freezing in the face of fear works if the danger will pass by without bothering me. It can also be as effective as it is for the rabbit going head to head with a fast approaching vehicle!

I have this paralysis response as part of my fear/safety toolkit. I’ve been in tight spots where I was completely unable to do anything. I’ve also been motionless in the face of nervousness around things I really want to do. And sure enough, those great opportunities just fly past withouth paying me any attention!

Here’s a few tips to get in the mood for this approach:

  • list all the exciting things you’d like to do in this lifetime
  • against each item note all the things that could go wrong
  • ge creative, e.g. if it involves flying – write down all the possible ways the plane might crash
  • visualisation – close your eyes and for each disaster scenario imagine you are in the middle of the crisis.

Any tips you’d like to share for allowing fear to dominate your life?

Talking behind your back

Sep 16th, 2009
by ianpeatey.
16 comments

One of my personal rules is not to talk about someone behind their back.

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Until my mid 20’s I was a huge gossip (it is not true that men don’t gossip!). I worked in a small office in a close knit group. I say ‘worked’ but in reality we spent more time gossiping about our co-workers in other parts of the building. Mainly we used to talk about who we thought was sleeping with whom, who we liked and who not. Of course we would never repeat to someone’s face what we’d said behind their back.

It seemed to me that everyone was doing it. We were all TV addicts and often chatted about the daily soaps. The characters there often talked behind each other’s backs. We made it part of our daily life. Picking on mistakes, laughing at them and hypothesising about the intimate details of others.

Sometimes the talk was complimentary, usually it was not.

At some point I came to the conclusion that this was not a good thing – either for me or for the subject of my behind-the-back-talking.

1   Trust

One day a friend pointed out:

‘How can anyone trust you when you’re constantly talking about other people behind their back? I’m often wondering what you say about me when I’m not around.’

Now this seems pretty obvious, but at the time it was not. If I often judge you (good or bad) and only speak these things behind your back, how can anyone trust what I say to their face?

Clearly they can’t – least of all you!

2   Myth becomes reality

If someone hears what I say about you, they may believe it. As well as the opinion they’ll form about how trustworthy I am and my level of respect for others, they will certainly form some impression about you based on my words. This may be sub-conscious but will still happen, unless they are very self aware.

Next time they meet you they’ll carry that impression with them and not fully experience you. Their image of who you are will be distorted by the things they heard. For example, if I recounted a story about a mistake you made, they’ll be on the look-out for you to slip up.

My judgements, impressions and even the things I notice about you are not ‘truth’ but entirely depend on how I see the world. The things I say (especially judgements) are my own myths about you. I may not like you very much but I may well be the only person who doesn’t. I really don’t have any right to turn my own myths into reality.

3   Self reflection

I believe that I only notice things in others that are a reflection of myself in some way. They could be things I don’t much like about myself or things I’m envious about and wish I had more of.

For example, for a long time I had problems with my self confidence and wanted more. I really didn’t like it when I saw it in others – judging them as arrogant, self absorbed or abrasive. My desire to have more myself made me much more sensitive when I saw it in others.

So rather than make these judgements and turn them into cheap entertainment for the amusement of my friends, I started using these to look at myself. Each time I’m triggered in some way by the behaviour of another (good or bad) I use it to ask myself what it means for me. It’s a great source of things to work on in my own self development.

4   Energy vampire

It’s obvious that if I’m telling you something to your face (about what I think or feel in relation to you) it will have an effect of some kind. You’ll listen, react , maybe you’ll like it, maybe not, you’ll decide if it’s useful or not and then move on. The point is that it will make a small change in your energy.

I believe the same happens when I talk behind your back. We’re all linked together and connected in ways that I don’t fully understand. The distance is greater when it’s not to your face so the energetic connection weaker, but I’m likely to say things more strongly so the force can be stronger. I don’t know for sure what, if any, effect this will have on you, but why take the risk? Why suck some of your energy without permission?

I’m no longer a gossip and I rarely talk about someone who’s not there.

It may not be as much fun to listen to me, but at least I’m not having fun at the expense of someone who’s not present.

5 conditions for ‘big step’ learning

Sep 9th, 2009
by ianpeatey.
10 comments

Learning is rarely a smooth progression and is inherently ‘chunky’. If I think back over my life I notice periods of massive learning and change followed by times of stagnation or at least only baby steps. How I’ve learned things has also been ‘chunky’, often joyful, sometimes confusing and frustrating as hell.

1160736_how_old_are_you_1

It’s something like how a tree grows. The rings of the trunk show how much it has expanded in any given year, varying in thickness from puny thin ones to nice fat juicy ones. Yet this hides a whole story of periods of calm, sunny weather, icy winters and violent storms. Each contributes something to the growth.

We learn in chunks and make step changes and I think it’s true whether I’m learning a new skill, a language (I wish!) or the continual development of myself as a human being. Sometimes the steps are huge breakthroughs – ‘Eureka’ moments where something that didn’t make sense suddenly falls into place, or something I just couldn’t do suddenly seems easy.

I had one of these ‘big step’ learning moments over the weekend as I wrote about in Living in denial. I got to thinking – what were the conditions that allowed that to happen, and could they then be replicated to provide a more regular stream of breakthrough moments?

Here are the 5 key conditions that I believe facilitate ‘big step’ learning:

1   Readiness

I was ready for a change, ready to learn something potentially profound, ready to take action – in short ready to learn.

That readiness came after a period of frustration, idleness, confusion and maybe I can even say a minor depression. I was noticing lack of growth, questioning many aspects of my life and feeling more and more ’stuck’. This period prepared the ground for something to happen. It churned up the earth to allow a seed to be planted. It wasn’t necessarily pretty or enjoyable but was an important stage.

It doesn’t have to be that way and looking back at some of my other big step moments, just as many were born from periods of great openness and joy. I was also ready but that readiness was held with a lighter touch and a loving hand. This time it was dark and gloomy, next time it might be light and joyful.

2   Seeding

cumin seedsThere was a catalyst. Something happened that sowed the seeds of change – in this case I read something provocative. The ground was ready, so the seed quickly took root.

The article took 8 minutes to read and stirred up a very strong reaction lasting several days. That reaction was lots of questions and searching for answers and some profound insights. The questions, answers and insights were all mine but wouldn’t have grown without that initial provocation.

Seeds can come from many different places. I try to collect them (books, clippings, web bookmarks, dreams, people, ideas of my own etc.) because I’m never sure when they might be needed. This time the seed came at the right moment. At other times I’ve known where to look in my seed collection.

3   Environment

For learning to take place the environment needs to be right and that’s going to depend on what the learning is.

With my big step I read the article on the morning I was leaving for a few days in the mountains. In the peace and tranquillity of the mountains I had nothing to do and I’d deliberately left all work, reading, computers back at home and took only my wife (forcibly stripped of work, computer etc). I had been expecting purely to get a break and there was I had no intention of any major soul searching.

I couldn’t have designed a better environment – the pressure-free time and space combined with connection to nature was just what I needed. If I’d been learning something else I would have needed a different environment.

4   Nurturance

For seeds to grow they need care, attention and the basic fundamentals taken care of such as light, water and food.

It’s the same with learning and growth, the seeds of change need to be loved and nurtured rather than neglected or beaten up. If my child learns to ride a bike, chances are she’s going to fall off. I’m not going to ignore her or punish her for not getting it right! She needs to be held, encouraged and helped to see she’s still perfect and loved.

In my case I had Mona with me, who is an expert listener. No judgement. No criticism. Someone to share what was happening, someone to react and help me build on my thoughts and ideas. In short, someone to hold me while I journeyed on a voyage of discovery. And we had a great landlady preparing fresh, simple home grown and cooked food.

Also important is self-nurturance and gentleness with myself which allowed me to be with the questions and not force answers. No self criticism. No beating myself up.

5   Application

Learning can be a wonderful experience by itself, but ‘big-step’ learning needs to have a purpose or an application of some kind. The application might not always be obvious at the time but if there is none then the learning will almost certainly be lost.

A language needs to be used, a bicycle ridden and self development improve my life in some way.

I reached some conclusions over the weekend that have practical application. I want to take some action with them and I can see the fruit of the learning. It will make a change in my life – I’m assuming for the better.

I’d love to hear your experiences of breakthrough moments in your self development?

What do you know about Romania?

Jun 19th, 2009
by ianpeatey.
5 comments

Ok, it’s a strange question to ask.

I’ve been thinking all morning about how to link this post with the themes of nonviolence and self improvement and failed miserably to come up with any coherent explanation.

All I’m left with is the truth -- these videos were produced by a friend of mine and his colleagues. He asked me to spread them around because he’s (quite rightly) very pleased with the results. So Alin, if you’re reading, this is the best attempt I can make to reach a wide audience.

Of course, I do have a personal link with Romania as I live there half the time and it’s a country that is well worth a visit, and really should be on everyone’s list of ‘places to see before you die‘.

The country is one of warm and friendly people, outstanding natural beauty, unspoiled cities and basic rural life.

Apart from Bucharest. I’d give that a miss if I were you. Unless you happen to be into frenetic cities, cars everywhere and architecture best summed up as a mixture of a crazy dictator’s vision of the future and crumbling older buildings.

Journey of Life

If you happen to plan to come this September, then why not combine it with joining me on ‘Journey of Life‘ in the heart of the Romanian mountains? That way you get to see the country at it’s best, meet me and get a great 4 day self development retreat all at the same time.

What more could you ask for?

But I’m not violent …

May 13th, 2009
by ianpeatey.
13 comments

You may have noticed the theme of this site is nonviolence as a lifestyle and maybe you’re wondering if it’s relevant to you. I’m guessing this because when I mention my work in the area of nonviolence I often get the reaction:

‘That’s great! But I’m not violent’

I fully understand, because I thought that until a few years ago.

I was brought up in a family of tolerance, calmness and peace. I never got in fights, didn’t hit anyone, shout at or insult people. If anyone had told me I might consider adopting nonviolence as a lifestyle, then I certainly would have given the same reply.

‘But I’m not violent.’

My personal revelation

I had a personal revelation (or perhaps it was a revolution) in 2001 when I attended, what I expected to be, a business related conference focused on the learning organisation (Peter Senge’s ‘The Fifth Discipline‘ was flavour of the month at the time).

Indeed there were many interesting things at this large conference and I got my first taste of NLP, meditation, accelerated learning and other wonderful approaches to self development.

Scattered between the array of smaller workshops were keynote presentations by apparently famous people I’d never heard of before and I found myself in Marshall Rosenberg’s slot. He was giving a brief introduction of Nonviolent Communiation (NVC) and, frankly, if I’d noticed the title I would have given it a miss. I wasn’t violent so how could it be relevant to me?

Those 2 hours were like a cold shower – very uncomfortable but left me  refreshed and tingly afterwards.

Another analogy that comes to mind is that I was invited to lift the carpet on my spotlessly clean home, only to discover layers of dust underneath.

I realised, violence was engrained in my way of thinking, my behaviour and my appoach to life and other people. It was very subtle and easily missed under the covering of ‘nice person’, but was unmistakeably and undeniably there.

Looking back, it was the subtlety that scared me the most because subtle things often go unnoticed.

After I’d seen it in myself it became clear I was both a giver and receiver. It was also in everyone I knew – with no exceptions. Not only that, I saw the hidden strains of violence deeply embedded in the society I grew up in and still live in.

How am I violent?

If you’ve read this far then probably around this point you’re wondering what on Earth I’m talking about.

My personal definition of ‘violence’ is quite broad. It’s an intention and action to inflict either physical or emotional suffering. I know the definition is imperfect so please don’t get hooked on that. The point is, I’d always thought of violence mainly on the physical plane and not really considered it on the emotional level.

If you’re like me and think you are not violent then consider a few of these examples where I either gave or received violence:

  • believing I’m the cause of other’s feelings (= me feeling guilty)
  • using this belief to get others to do what I want (= others feeling guilty)
  • doing things I thought I ‘have to’ because of concept of duty (= giving away my freedom and feeling trapped)
  • using ’should’ to get others to do what I want (= trying to take away freedom of others)
  • judgements to categorise people (= fear of being judged)
  • believing I’m right and getting attached to ‘my way, or no way’ (= both me and others triggered into fight or surrender mode)
  • putting aside my own needs to please others (= ignoring my own needs)

There are plenty of other examples I could name.

Each one creates suffering of some kind in me or in others. The suffering may be a tiny drop compared to the vast ocean of violence the human race is swimming in, but without the tiny drops, the ocean doesn’t exist.

Search for alternative ways of living

Having seen how I contributed to violence on the planet I determined to do something about it and find a different way to live.

There are plenty of alternatives available if you just search a little.

You won’t find them in the mainstream media and you’re unlikely to find them taught at school. Our society is still based on a paradigm of violence (both obvious and subtle) and change at that level is usually slow.

You will find them if you look, though.

You’ll find some of them here and you’ll find more if you check out the sites on my links page. You’ll find them in many organisations around you, locally, nationally and globally.

Most of all you’ll find them in yourself.

We all have peace and nonviolence in our hearts if we care to look for it. And that’s the best place to start.

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