How many times a year do you hear the question “How are you?”
It’s a pretty standard greeting, so I’m guessing it’s in the 100’s? Maybe even 1,000’s? Probably ‘a lot’ rather than ‘a few’?
When you ask the question, how often are you really and truly interested in the answer you get back?
If you’re like me (which you probably aren’t) then you probably don’t give too much thought to the question and hardly listen to the answer. It’s used more as a polite introduction (or re-introduction if we already know the person) before the serious, important stuff can get started.
Hang on a moment.
What could be more important than asking how someone is? Isn’t that an essential question? Isn’t this enquiry a potential window right into the depths of another human being.
How are you? Right here. Right now.
What thoughts are passing through your head as you stand in front of me? What feelings rise inside you as we look at each other for these fleeting seconds? What life bubbles inside you in this precious, present moment?
What a frequently wasted opportunity for an insight into what it’s like to be another member of the human race!
Why is so hard to reveal who I am?
I wonder if the reason we’re not usually interested in the answer is because we often receive a polite and non-committal,
“I’m fine, thank you.”
Or even worse, we might receive a long list of physical ailments, financial worries or a digest of their life history.
My Grandmother (she passed away last year, bless her) was a master at that reply. Probably because it was the only way she knew to get some attention. I still miss her.
I’m sure the original intent of the greeting was genuinely to give an opportunity to reveal some depth. Just we’ve got so busy we lost sight of that. We got into urgent and supericial stuff and forgot the important things.
Why is it that many of us find it so hard most of the time to really reveal how we are?
I notice in myself a fear of revealing too much for some or all of the following reasons:
- concern that the other might not really be interested
- fear that if I expose any vulnerability it might affect my safety
- fear of being judged
- not used to revealing my inner world (it normally stays ‘inner’ and ‘my’)
- unaware of how I am
- missing the vocabulary to express how I am
- in too much hurry to do stuff and not enough patience to just be with the life of the moment.
Over the years I’ve sought out those safe situations and those people who are naturally interested in experiencing how others are. More and more I’ve found the value of connecting to my inner life and sharing it with others.
After all, what could be a greater gift than the gift of life?
And more and more I’m not satisfied with the stock, culturally correct reply to the question.
If we ever meet …
Let’s rehearse a possible meeting and my ‘ideal greeting scenario’.
You approach me with a slight smile, deep eye contact and your hand outstretched. If we already know each other (even if it’s only been virtually) then I’d expect a hug. Maybe a kiss too, but that’s a bit more sensitive, especially if you’re a guy.
As a small aside, I’ve got quite used to kissing as a fairly standard greeting between men in Romania. That was a bit scary at first for me – a Brit!
Back to the rehearsal.
“How are you?” you say with real interest and care in your voice.
I take a moment to connect with myself, turning my attention to any physical or emotional sensations. I’ll tell you what comes up for me.
Briefly.
5 or 6 words only as I don’t want to freak you out.
I’ll stop again and check a bit deeper for what’s bubbling inside. What’s enriching my life and what’s turning me off? Don’t worry, I’ll only tell you a couple of sentences in summary. You’re not going to get an extensive and deep description of my innermost world. I don’t want to overwhelm you.
Just the highlights. I’ll save the rest until we know each other better and I trust you’re truly interested.
Of course the roles might very well be reversed and I might get the “How are you ?” in first.
You’d better be prepared.
