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Posts Tagged ‘Relationships’

Language of love

May 25th, 2009
by ianpeatey.
8 comments

As you’ve probably picked up, I’m a great advocate of honest and empathic communication. When I get my communication sorted out, so many things are more enjoyable and peaceful in my life.

One area of my life I struggled with over the years has been my intimate relationships. I guess I’m not the only one! I’ve found them a source of great joy, growth and inspiration (plus 2 lovely daughters!) and also a huge challenge and headache. I’ve learned from the many mistakes I made and I’d like to say I’ve now hit on a magic solution for success in relationships.

But I haven’t.

One thing I have picked up is the importance of how I communicate love in a relationship.

‘I love you’

I guess most people are quite aware that communication happens on many different levels and in a multitude of ways.

No-one knows precisely how many spoken languages there are (the 15th edition of the Enthnologue catalogues 6,912), nor how much exactly we communicate through our words. I’ve read that only up to 10% of our messages are communicated in words (with the remainder through the quality of our voice and our body language).

I used to rely pretty heavily on the standard ‘I love you’ to communicate love. Just to add some variety I’d occasionally vary the emphasis:

‘I love you’

‘I love you’

‘I love you‘

Even so, three variations on a theme didn’t really convey the depth that lay under those words, so from time to time I’d choose another language to say it. German, French, Italian, Polish and Romanian is my limit, but that now gives 18 possible variations on the theme! I doubt my brain could remember ‘I love you’ in all 6,912 languages, but could be something to aim for! (BTW the first picture is ‘I love you’ in Japanese. I hope!).

Even this is kind of superficial and lacks the real variety that might be helpful to support a relationship.

Five Love Languages

A couple of years ago I discovered ‘The Five Love Languages‘ by Gary Chapman which gave me a new dimension on how I express love. Since reading it, I’ve found it really helpful to understand the ways in which I like to receive love and express it. More important is how my preferences complement those of my partner, or not!

I wish I’d learned about this some years ago, as it might have saved some misunderstandings! I’m sure there are other ways of looking at this, just I found this one helped explain a lot for myself.

Here are the five love languages, in my own order of preference from least to most:

1   Receiving gifts

These are visual or tangible symbols of love (presents and gifts). Gifts may or may not involve spending money, though this language is much loved by the retail industry!

I always had a hard time choosing gifts and usually there was an element of obligation in it. Realising this is my least preferred way of communicating love has really helped me relax at Christmas and birthdays!

2   Acts of service

Doing things for the other such as chores or other caring acts performed out of love not duty.

From time to time the mood takes me to prepare a really nice meal (and clean up afterwards). I tend to regard chores as mainly an obligation, but there are times when it’s a real pleasure for me to express love in this way.

3   Quality time

Focusing energy and attention on the other through conversation and showing interest in each other.

This is in the middle for me. Important, yes, and I do enjoy moments of really deep connection with my partner. But so is quality time with myself as an expression of self love.

4   Words of affirmation

Expressing love through compliments, praise and encouragement.

I still enjoy saying and hearing ‘I love you‘ and other words of tenderness. It’s not the most important for me, but I do notice I start to feel a little insecure if I don’t hear some words of affirmation on a regular basis. Maybe it explains why I get a buzz every time I see a comment here!

5   Physical touch

Not only sex but holding hands, stroking, hugging, sitting next to each other.

I spend hours and hours stroking my partner’s feet, hugging and caressing. The greatest pleasure for me, and expression of love, is having my back stroked. That’s really all I need!

Do we match?

Here’s a quick exercise you can do with your partner. It doesn’t have to be an intimate partner – anyone where there is a ‘love relationship’. That could be between friends, family members – even work colleagues (sure, why not?).

  • write down your personal order of preference (I find it helps to be clear about number 1 and 5 and not worry too much about the ones in between)
  • write down your best guess about your partner’s order of preference
  • compare lists and see what emerges!

Some of these questions may be helpful.

  • do your preferences complement each other? or clash?
  • how well do you know the preferences of your partner? and they of you?
  • does this help explain some past or ongoing ‘situations’?
  • how can you use this to improve the expression of love between you?

How do you like to express and receive love?

Falling In Love Does Not Make You Telepathic

May 6th, 2009
by ianpeatey.
13 comments

I’m not telepathic, I never have been and I doubt I ever will. I’m not ruling out the possibility entirely, as evolution (or the Creator, if you prefer that explanation) has worked wonders so far … but I’m not going to bet any money on it.

There are times though, when I tend to treat people as if they do have the power to read my mind, especially in my intimate relationships.

I have noticed that sometimes I hope and wait for, in this case my wife, to  notice I want something. It could be as simple as a hug, a small attention or maybe just a smile and a kind word.

I expect her to know what I want and if she doesn’t, then I have a few choice punishments up my sleeve such as the ‘frosty-silent’ treatment or the ‘hurt-Ian’ tone of voice.

She probably thinks I’m just in one of my bad moods and fails to realise (again!) that I’m expecting her to use her finely developed skill of telepathy to read my mind.

Love = Telepathy

The reality is I’m equating love with telepathic skills. The unspoken message is:

“I shouldn’t have to tell you. If you really loved me, you would KNOW I want a hug right now !!”

She’s my wife, after all. Didn’t she get some brainwave make-over the moment she said, “I do” enabling her to read my every wish?

No?

What was the point in getting married, then?

Of course, it’s quite ridiculous, but how many arguments, fights or violence start from this misguided premise?

Empathy is not telepathy

In some stages of a relationship it seems we’re so much in tune we can almost read each other’s minds.

I think it’s possible to build this quality into a relationship, if we allow it and pursue it. It means to become so connected, so open to another human being that we are able to read each other. It’s not telepathy but a quality of mutual empathy and understanding that joins us beyond the superficial.

Certainly I’ve experienced this very intensely in the early stages of a relationship when I’m so open, so trusting that I can reveal anything. I can express my deepest, darkest thoughts and experiences without fear.

It almost seems like telepathy.

But it’s not.

And yet somehow we still hope.

Getting used to each other

I’ve noticed a tendency in myself (and others) to believe that when I’ve known someone for a long time, that I know all about them. When I get used to someone there’s a risk I start making assumptions about them and develop habits and patterns. I stop experiencing them as a constantly flowing, ever changing creature.

I was recently working with a group of couples and one exercise I did was to get them to sit in front of their partner and look at each other for about 15 minutes while I guided their attention in a similar way as I described in ‘Do we REALLY see people‘.

One couple had been married for many years and for them it was an important exercise.

They had simply stopped seeing each other.

They were so used to each other, had known each other for so long they just didn’t notice the depth in the other any longer. That depth was still there and all it took to find it was a few minutes of looking for it.

Telepathy would probably ruin relationships!

While I think that real telepathy might solve some problems, I suspect it would make things worse most of the time.

Can you imagine if other people, especially those close to you, were able to read your every thought?

When thoughts are in my own head I can at least exercise a certain amount of discretion. I can choose which to believe, choose the ones to turn into words – and choose the words I use. Most of what comes out of my mouth has undergone extensive editing and self censorship from the original thought.

Trust me, it’s necessary!

For example, I just got up to prepare some food and my wife moved from the floor where she’d been working, and took my place on the comfortable sofa. Yes, the floor was her choice and no, I do not force her to sit there.

Where was I?

Oh yes, I poked my head around the corner and saw her spread across the sofa (in MY place!) and her papers spread across the remainder leaving no space for me!

This is not a big deal, but the thought that flashed through my head?

“That’s it. I’ve had enough of this relationship. I’m leaving.”

As long as that thought stays in my head I can see how crazy it is, laugh at it and peacefully press ‘delete’. There it goes to my internal waste basket and joins all the other crazy flashes of so-called ‘thought’ that pass through my brain.

Now, just imagine Mona was able to read all my thoughts. Without the same filters and censorship I have for my own thoughts, I could have a disaster on my hands.

On reflection I’m feeling extremely grateful that we have a regular, non-telepathic relationship.

I just need to learn to ask when I want a hug.

Stop making me happy!

Mar 19th, 2009
by ianpeatey.
16 comments

You cannot make me happy.

Sorry to say, but it’s just not  in your power, and I’m feeling really quite relieved about it.

An unappealing belief

Now before you switch channels in the expectation of the usual ‘make yourself happy’ advice, I ask you to consider for a moment how I might behave if I did believe you have that power.

First of all I’d want to make sure you like me enough to go out of your way to feed me some of that happiness. I’ll also want to keep you close so that I can get some whenever I want and, if I’m in a ‘scarcity mood’, then I’ll want to make sure you don’t share some of this precious stuff with anyone else.

What might this look like?

  • I’ll tell you only the things I think you want to hear and lie about or hide the other stuff
  • I”ll try to get you to believe that you’re dependent on me
  • I’ll use manipulation through threats, guilt or rewards to make sure you carry on playing the game
  • I’ll keep my eye on you and try to restrict your freedom in case you get too far away
  • I’ll get jealous if you show too much interest in anyone else
  • I’ll get disappointed if you don’t live up to my expectations
  • I’ll struggle to function effectively when you’re not around.

Doesn’t sound too appealing does it?

I don’t want to behave towards you in this way, and I don’t want any of these from you.

Yet these are many of the behaviours I’ve noticed in myself whenever I’ve put my happiness in the hands of someone else. Fortunately, it doesn’t happen too often these days but they do still surface from time to time. I’ve even been in relationships based on this way of being together, and needless to say they eventually crumbled and there was not a whole lot of real happiness in them.

A pervasive belief

This belief that other people can make me happy appears all around me. Turn on the TV, open a magazine, listen to people talk and I don’t have to go far to find it.

At the end of a romantic film I sometimes wonder what happens next, after the two protagonists have suffered in love and come through adversity to find each other. Do they really live happily ever after? Do they manage to overcome that delicious and painful period of romantic love and find a deeper, mutually rewarding kind of love?

I think the belief starts early in life for many of us, with our parents. As a parent myself I know how delighted and happy I am in relation to my children. I also know how challenging it is to guide them and nurture them, especially when they just won’t do what I want them to do. In those times it’s so easy for this belief to start to show itself.

“It will make me happy if you go to bed now/clean your room/eat your vegetables/turn out the way I want/________”

The other version is that I’ll be unhappy if they don’t do what I want!

The result is the same.

It lodges an idea that somehow they can make me happy – or unhappy and so my happiness is in their tiny hands. It creates a belief they are responsible for my emotional well-being.

How much unhappiness does this create in our world? How many people desperately and fruitlessly trying to make others happy? How many parents disappointed with their children who don’t visit or didn’t turn out the way they hoped for?  How many relationships built on a foundation of dependency?

The good news

I read and hear many people say we need to develop pleasure in our own company and attend to our own happiness. I agree with this, but only up to a point. My happiness is either within me or it’s not, and the reality is that it comes and goes. You will always be a bystander, though sometimes you may get more actively involved.

We aren’t islands but are social creatures and many of the things we need fulfilled for our happiness are interconnected with others. Sharing, interacting, community, touch, sexual expression, belonging etc. are all things that are hard to nurture without other people.

The good news, I believe, is that it’s a fundamental characteristic of human beings to enjoy doing things for other people. The pleasure of contributing to someone’s well-being is enough motivation for me to want to do it as much as I can.

I don’t enjoy giving to others, though, when I’m not completely free to do so. That means when I’m free from your expectations, demands, obligation, manipulation or threats. When I release others from the responsibility to make me happy, I find I’m much more likely to develop joyful and fulfilling relationships.

So please, please stop making me happy and I’ll stop making you happy.

Then we can revel in the pleasure of each other’s company!

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