The labels we attach to ourselves and to others have a nasty habit of getting in the way of seeing the human being lurking underneath. The purpose of labelling is to create some order or structure and help us identify things quickly and easily.
This doesn’t work too well with people.
Trying to create something static and fixed out of a creature who, by nature, is complex and ever changing is fruitless. Unless we are clear what lies beneath the label. Try this exercise to have a deeper look at how this labelling may be influencing your life. It’s designed to look at labels you (or others) attach to yourself although you could easily adapt it to look at labels you attach to other people.
The exercise takes about 10 minutes and you can do it as many times as you want with different labels. As you follow each step notice and listen to whatever reactions come up for you.
1 Create a list of labels
List all the labels attached to you. They can be words you use yourself or ones that others put on you. They usually start with “I am a ….”. Try to exclude judgements (beautiful, sexy, bad, lazy etc.) as they’re a bit more difficult to work with (I’ll maybe cover them in a future post).
[for example ... I am English, a father, son, man, trainer, scorpio, brother, friend ... etc.]
2 Choose the ones to examine deeper
As you look at the list notice any that trigger a reaction in you (maybe a contraction or heaviness? or perhaps a smile or lightness?). Negative reactions indicate that this area is holding you back in some way – a burden you carry around. Positive reactions indicate a source of joy and meaning for you – a resource that nurtures you.
Choose one label to work with further – I suggest the label that feels heaviest. You can always come back and look at the others later.
[for example ... I choose to work with 'Son' which I notice is like a weight on my shoulders.]
3 Describe what’s behind the label
Write a description that sits behind the label – probably one sentence that turns the generalisation into something very specific. The purpose of this step is to take a little ‘heat’ out of the label.
[for example ... I was given life and raised by Mum and Dad and they live in England.]
4 Expectations
Write down the expectations represented by that label – either those you place on yourself or those you hear from other people. Expectations might start with ‘ A xxxx should …. ‘.
[for example ... A son should visit his parents every week, talk to them every day, take care of them when they get sick and old, love and respect them whatever they say or do, listen to their advice and obey them all the time.]
5 What you really do
Write down a description of what you actually do in relation to the expectations in step 4. It’s important to be factual and not judgemental.
[for example ... since the start of the year I spent 8 days with my parents, spoke on the phone twice a month, visited Dad three times when he was in hospital, feel warmth and love for both of them most of the time, listen to their advice and make my own decisions ...]
6 How you react and what it tells you
Notice if any of the specific statements in step 5 trigger any feelings or reactions. What do those reactions tell you about your deeper needs or values?
[for example ... I feel sad reading 'spoke on the phone twice a month'. Need and value contact, love, sharing.]
7 Action
Do you choose now to do anything differently? Has anything changed for you?
[for example ... I feel softer and more freedom in relation to my parents. I would like to have more contact with them. I intend to speak with them on the phone every week.]
by Marshall Rosenberg
