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Posts Tagged ‘Needs’

How To Fully Enjoy Life

Oct 23rd, 2009
by ianpeatey.
30 comments

We all judge, whether we want to or not. Transforming our judgements can take us closer to experiencing, and enjoying, the world as it really is, rather than how we think it is.

To Judge Or Not To Judge

Raw judgements rarely help us except in urgent situations where we don’t have time to process our thinking. A figure approaching us from a dark alleyway with something silver glittering in its hand is probably going to trigger a judgement that this is ‘dangerous and bad’.

Our snap judgement could be wrong, of course, and there’s a chance (albeit very slim) they might have a handful of silver they want to give us. We’ll quite rightly respond to our immediate analysis by taking action – running away and shouting loudly would probably be a sensible thing to do.

At a basic level we think something or someone is ‘good’ or bad’ and at more advanced levels we have a rich vocabulary of adjectives to name our judgements.

Whatever level we operate at, those judgements are our thoughts. No more, no less.

Those thoughts often interfere with our capacity to fully experience life, and especially the people we share it with.

Many of us can recognise judgements as they pass our minds and see through them to reality, but it takes practice to consistently transform them from static statements of perception to more flowing and deeper explorations of our experience.

I believe this is true whether our judgements are ‘negative’ or ‘positive’.

The Mona Lisa Is Very Small

monalisaI remember my only visit to the Louvre in Paris when I was about 22 years old. It’s packed with some of the greatest works of art we’ve ever produced.

I walked from one painting or sculpture paying cursory attention to each with an internal running commentary going something like this:

‘That one’s nice. This is ugly. This one is beautiful.’

5 seconds at the Mona Lisa was enough to conclude ‘It’s small’ before passing on. The most famous painting in the world – and all I took away from it was its size!

With each piece I was more focussed on judging and categorising than I was on experiencing it. What a missed opportunity!

Now I realise that I used to do the same with people – still do sometimes, but I’m learning to change.

Transformation in 3 Steps

I’d like to share a simple 3 step practice that I’ve been using for a few years that has helped me immensely. It works equally well with things I don’t enjoy – but I’ll stay with the positive things to illustrate the practice.

  1. Observation
  2. Feelings
  3. Life enrichment

Step 1 Observation

I experience the world, then I filter it through my memories and belief systems, analyse and interpret it. Presto! Out pops a judgement. Instead, I try to imagine a full sensory video camera recording and I’m watching / hearing / touching /smelling / tasting the replay.

By bringing myself back, as far as I can, to what I actually see, hear, touch, smell or taste – without my ‘black box’ processing – I can find greater freedom in relation to it.

As an example I’ll use a true event, with the name changed (but you know who you are!).

Judgement - Katarzyna is a thoughtful, sensitive person with impeccably good taste in what she reads.

Transforms to – Katarzyna said to me last week that she reads my blog every few days, has printed out several articles and one article in particular touched her so much she cried.

The judgement stops me exploring further and takes my attention away from, in this case, the words I heard. Transforming my judgement allows me to savour the sensory experience.

Step 2 Feelings

Feelings are an important part of my humanity and I want to experience them as fully as possible. They are mine and do not belong to anyone else – in fact, people can’t make me feel anything. They’re involved but are the trigger and not the cause – more like catalysts.

When I believe they cause my feelings then I risk setting up an emotional dependency that reduces freedom and autonomy for both of us.

Judgement - Katarzyna makes me feel moved, grateful, proud and inspired.

Transforms to – I feel moved, grateful, proud and inspired.

The difference is subtle yet important.

The transformation helps me enjoy my feelings as coming from within and from my experience of life rather than received from the outside world.

Step 3 Life Enrichment

My life is continuously enriched in so many ways. It can be hard to define exactly which aspect of me is being enriched and words are often poor guides to describe this. Yet finding words is often the only way I have for connecting with that life energy deep within.

Judgement – Katarzyna cares and respects me and finds my writing meaningful and helpful.

Transforms to – My life is enriched through my needs of respect, meaning and making a difference to other people.

By finding the elements of my life energy (I call them ‘needs‘) that have been enriched I can connect more deeply to myself – and to Katarzyna. In this place I feel gratitude to Katarzyna for telling me this, and to myself for my role in the creation.

In this place I’m not focused on who is giving and who receiving – we are both givers and receivers. The transformation breaks down the boundaries between us and helps me connect to the universal life force that binds us all together.

472281_interconnected_2

Tips On Using The Practice

At first it may feel a little artificial and take time to transform judgements, but after a while of regular practice it becomes natural and automatic.

  • Gratitude journal – Keep a daily journal to use the 3 steps to record a few things that happened during the day that enriched your life. 5 – 10 minutes a day is a small investment in gratitude to others and to yourself.
  • Expressing gratitude – Practice using the 3 steps to express gratitude when someone does something that you enjoy. Tell them what they did, how you feel about it and how it enriched you.
  • Transforming criticism – Use the 3 steps to transform negative judgements. The process works equally well with things we don’t enjoy and the ways our lives were not enriched.
  • Share your experiences – If you use the process and find it helpful, bookmark this page and come back and leave a comment. That way you’ll enrich my life and maybe inspire others.

PS – I know the title is grammatically incorrect, but I think it sounds better that way. You know … ‘To boldly go’ versus ‘to go boldly.’

The Secret Of Happiness

Sep 28th, 2009
by ianpeatey.
28 comments

Plenty of people claim to know the secret of happiness. They sell books about it, run seminars and some even get rich by revealing it. If I knew the secret to happiness then maybe even I could make a small fortune, catapulting this site to the top and making me famous.

happy_puzzle

As you probably guessed, I don’t have the secret to happiness. It’s not because I don’t know what it is but because there is no secret to happiness.

That’s right.

No secret.

“But what about all those gurus who claim to know what it is? Surely they must know something? After all people pay good money for their books, CD’s and workshops.”

I hate to be the one to tell you (don’t shoot the messenger, ok?) – but they are teaching you something you already know. They are packaging what we all possess and selling it back to you. They certainly know something, and it’s not the secret to happiness!

What is happiness?

I think it’s important to be really clear about this because I hear many people say their goal in life is to be happy or to achieve a state of happiness.

Happiness is ‘the state of being happy’, but what does that mean?

Happy is a feeling and conveys a wide range of emotional experiences including joy, contentment, elation, bliss and pleasure. We can feel many shades of happy, but we can’t be happy. This is important because if we’re striving for some permanent state of feeling happy we’ll never reach it. Best to recognise that right from the outset!

Realising that ‘happy’ is a feeling is incredibly liberating. Feelings come and go. It’s part of the human experience. To believe we can reach a state where we only feel one thing is to believe we can exclude all those other transitory emotions. It’s to believe we can become something less than human.

Feeling happy is wonderful. We all enjoy it and many of us would like to feel it more often. I think that’s what we mean when we say we’re searching for happiness. Not that we want to achieve some permanent happy high, but we want more of the feeling in our lives.

And there really is no secret to it.

Each of us has felt happy at times. We know what it feels like and we know the things that stimulate the feeling. We don’t need any secrets to be revealed. Every single one of us already knows how to feel happy.

Feeling ‘not-happy’

956734_desolationThere are times for feeling happy and there are times for feeling something else that’s not-happy.

  • If I experience a loss in my life, that’s a time for mourning and feeling sad
  • If my safety is threatened, that’s a time for feeling afraid
  • If I make a mistake and someone gets hurt, that’s a time for feeling upset or ashamed
  • If I use up all my resources and need rest then that’s a time for feeling tired
  • Etc..

The point is that as we go through life there are things we do, things that happen to us that don’t fill our needs and there’s no place for feeling happy. It’s part of evolving, growing and living to feel the full range of human emotions. If we strive to reach ‘happiness’ then we miss out on that part of being human. We deny the other, less enjoyable, experiences.

When I’m feeling ‘not-happy’ I know I will feel happy again, but for now I want to honour the emotions that are alive and not try to deny them. They’re telling me something important as they’re clues to what’s missing right now – and they’re signals towards action I can take to change that. For the moment anyway. Not-happy will come back just as surely as happy.

Happy people

We often talk about ‘happy people’ and this can mean at least two different things. We can mean someone who has a propensity to feel happy often or someone who frequently expresses when they do feel it. These are related but not the same.

I have a ‘happy propensity’ when my inclination is to focus on the positive experiences in life. I actively seek out opportunities to feel happy and I attract the things that are good for me. There’s no secret to this either. It’s a choice, a decision I can make at any time. There’s nothing in the external world that can force me to choose this – it’s up to me. In the same way if I choose a negative outlook on life, that’s my decision too. It’s surely influenced by upbringing, by environment and maybe by genes – but I’m not a victim of these unless I choose to be.

I can also develop my skills at expressing the happy feeling at the times I’m experiencing it. I smile, laugh, take a particular tone of voice and describe things in a positive way. Expressing happiness is contagious. Again there’s no secret skill involved and we all know how to do it.

The 2 ‘non-secrets’ of feeling happy

If you want to feel happy more often you already know how to do it. There are basically two ways:

Joy1   Do more of what makes you happy

You’ve doubtless discovered many activities, environments and people that fufil you in some way and bring about this feeling we call happy. Spend more time with the people you enjoy and seek the activities and environments that make you happy.

You know what those are, not me and you don’t need any guru to tell you what they are. We’re all different and so it’s not surprising that different things make us happy.

2   Discover new things that make you happy

Chances are you’ve not yet discovered all the things available in life that will make you happy. There’s experiences you’ve yet to have that will bring you to the temporary state we call happiness.

Seek them out, throw yourself into new experiences and enjoy the adventure of life.

And remember – there’s no magic secret waiting to be revealed to you. It’s already been revealed!

The beauty of differences

May 20th, 2009
by ianpeatey.
16 comments

With approximately 6 billion unique people living on this planet, there’s a lot of difference. No other person experiences the world exactly as I do. They all see it, hear it and think about it differently. They all have different tastes, preferences, dreams, aspirations, motivations, beliefs … the list is endless.

crowded-mall

Enjoying this infinite array of difference can be delightful and a wonderful challenge.

I’d like to live my life enjoying and celebrating ALL those differences. Not only with those who think and act a little different from me but also those who are polar opposites. The further away someone is, the greater the opportunity for mutual learning and enjoyment – and the greater the gap between us I need to handle.

If I don’t have an appropriate attitude and skills, even small differences can be a major headache as I interact, communicate, work and live with others.

More than that, I believe our collective lack of these attitudes and skills is at the root of much of the violence in the world. Consider a ‘terrorist’ bombing, an invading army, a mugging on the street, a wife beating. Often they are not caused by differences or by some pathology but rather by our failure to handle difference peacefully.

Attitudes to difference

If I see the world as basically divided into ‘good/bad’ or ‘right/wrong’ then I’m going to have a hard time coping with anything that deviates from my way of thinking. I will use my energy to turn the ‘bad’ into ‘good’ and to correct the mistakes of those who are ‘wrong’.

In this view of the world difference is a threat and I tend to be repulsed by it.

Even if I’m open-minded enough to be persuaded to change my mind from time to time, this ‘either/or’ thinking puts my energy into division and separation. In order to change my mind (or behaviour) it is up to you to present me with substantial enough evidence for me to convert. Or perhaps I’ll put my energy into trying to change you, maybe even by force if necessary.

Take skin colour as an example.

In polarised thinking I might determine my skin colour to be ‘good’ and other colours ‘bad’. The further away your skin colour from mine, the more ‘bad’ you are and, while I might not try to change your skin colour, I might value you less highly and avoid or marginalise you.

Clearly this is a crazy attitude, but crazy seems to be very common!

I believe an important step is to change my polarised, static thinking into something that flows and to recognise that in most things there is a continuum and there is variety.

People are not black or white, but represent a whole rainbow of colour, and not just in skin pigmentation!

If I’m curious, every difference represents an addition to my experience and a chance to add something to my understanding of the human condition. I may be horrified, afraid or disgusted by it, but that’s a strong indicator that the gap is wide and the potential for learning huge.

In this view of the world, difference is welcome and I’m attracted to it.

Skills of handling difference

I don’t think there is any mysterious skill involved and it’s within all of us and is easily learned and refined.

Consider those people who seem naturally at ease with the variations in the people around them. I believe they are skilled in 4 basic areas:

  • Finding common ground

Despite the multitude ways we differ from each other, at the core we’re the same. We’re made of the same material, are physically designed to a similar blueprint and we share the same universal needs. We drink the same water, breathe the same air and eat food. And we all need love with it’s myriad manifestations.

While I may not find common ground in our thinking, beliefs or preferences, I can always find common ground in our shared humanity.

  • Enquiry

Asking questions from an enquiring mind gives you an opportunity to share your inner world with me. Enquiring questions are open (what? how?) and short and explore rather than interrogate.

  • Listening

Fully listening not only to your words, but to the deeper currents of emotions and values. So called ‘active listening’ can be faked but not sustained. The highest levels of listening are an invitation to you to open up. It is a gift of my attention and space where I cherish your experience and life energy.

  • Expressing

Sharing what is alive in me, my vulnerabilities, my joys and the journey of my life gives you a chance to learn from me. It builds trust and mutual connection and is just as much a gift as what you reveal to me.

I believe when we can relate to each other in this way, we not only handle the differences between us, but we can enjoy them.

Violence has no place when we approach each other as human beings.

Conflict Is Not The Problem

Feb 10th, 2009
by ianpeatey.
15 comments

Conflict gets a lot of press, most of it bad, and I’ve often wondered why that is.

It seems to me that conflict is a natural consequence of the wonderful array of difference between us. Imagine a world without difference – horrible! More than that, I believe conflict is a huge source of creativity and energy for constructive action. Where there’s difference, conflict is never far away and I’d prefer to embrace that than avoid it.

Conflict isn’t the problem. How we react and deal with conflict is.

The ‘traditional’ approach to conflict is two sided – ‘my way’ and ‘your way’. In fact, there’s a third side – the solution, the ‘way forward’ or ‘our way’. Conflicts can only be solved creatively and peacefully if we can put our energies into finding that third way.

It’s not easy, not because it’s hard, but because our conditioning and our egos get in the way.

What I learned as a kid

The main conclusion I formed as a kid about how to deal with conflict was that it required the skillful or intelligent use of force: either physical or psychological. Films, TV shows and comic books were my staple entertainment diet, feeding me a picture of conflict as a confrontation between opposing sides (usually one ‘good’ and one ‘bad’). The two combatants dealt with their differences by battling it out – with words, fists, guns or armies – until one side emerged victorious. Winning was for heroes, losing for suckers!

At school (and at home too!) I learned how to argue a position, debate a motion or prove a hypothesis. None of these are particularly creative in that they tend to be about rehashing existing knowledge rather than creating anything new. Not always, of course, but how often in your own academic life did you create something completely new?

It’s not my intention to blame the media or education system, just to point out the popular image of conflict resolution. We’re just not taught constructive ways.

But they do exist and, I believe involve three key steps:

Step 1 Give up attachment to ‘my way’

This part is 100% in my control and, theoretically at least, the easiest.

Some people interpret this as giving in, which is not what I mean. Giving in, or avoiding conflict (for example, to maintain harmony), is a perfectly valid option though not without significant risks. It could be the start of a slippery path for later abuse of my goodwill and perceived weakness. I certainly don’t recommend doing this regularly in any close or important relationship – unless you want to be a doormat.

What I mean is letting go of my attachment to my position. Accepting that I only have part of the picture and that any solution (if that’s what we’re aiming at) might be different from what I have in mind.

I prefer to get clear for myself what’s at stake for me. What’s really important to me in this situation?

Security? Respect? Love? Understanding? Freedom? Creating something new?

Some people call these my interests, others my needs or values. By getting clear about these, I’m more likely to open to the possibility that ‘my way’ is not the ‘only way’ and, indeed, might not even be the ‘best way’.

It helps to do this if I can loosen the grip of my ego.

Step 2 Persuade you to give up attachment to ‘your way’

This can be the hard part and where things can get a bit sticky and messy, unless I’m really skilled and have earned a lot of trust from you. I’m trying to get you to do what I’ve done for myself in the first step.

Some things that may help (none of these are guaranteed!):

  • empathy … you’re more likely to loosen your attachment if you sense that I’m genuinely interested in, and understand, your needs and interests
  • assertiveness … if you believe that I’m not going to give up my core needs and interests you’re more likely to take me seriously
  • openness to discuss … if you hear that I’m willing and interested to explore a way forward that embraces both our needs and interests you’re more likely to co-operate
  • patience … if you see that I’m willing to invest time in this and not rush either of us to a quick fix you’re more likely to invest as well
  • honesty … if you hear that I’m telling you the truth, even (or especially) when it’s unpleasant then you’re more likely to trust me.

There may well be times when I just can’t get you to give up your attachment to ‘your way or no way’. I believe in those situations my obligation is to protect my own interests and needs, whilst doing everything I can not to damage you. Walking away from the situation, forcefully defending myself or surrendering to you are all possible strategies.

Again, my ego will surely have something to say!

Step 3 Work on the solution together

This is the fun part.

We’ve built trust, we’ve got energy, we’ve got mutual understanding and we’ve got all the interests and needs on the table.

Now’s the time to create ‘our way’ and we’ve already got two great ideas to start us off – ‘my way’ and ‘your way’.

What would the world look like if everyone approached conflict this way?

Insults, nonviolence and fish

Jan 19th, 2009
by ianpeatey.
5 comments

I’ve been insulted many times in my life and some I even got to hear about. I also get lots of feedback and not all of it easy to hear.

nonviolence, difficult message

If you’re like me, then you’ll have developed habits around dealing with these difficult messages and  automatic responses make it hard to remember there’s a choice about how to react. My own habit was to go into silent shock and criticise myself with some internal finger pointing.

Where did this habit come from?

The first part of my adult life was spent trying to please others: subjects I studied, career (accounting, of all things!), job, buying a house, getting married, running a car. All of this was to keep the people in my world happy. None of it really made me happy, but what the hell if everyone else is happy!

With this motivation, any attack, criticism or insult went right to my core. I was failing to please someone so there must be something wrong with me! Ahhhhhh!!!!!!! As you can probably guess, my self esteem was not sky high with this approach to life!

What changed? One thing was when I discovered* that I have 4 broad choices in hearing these difficult messages.

  1. Attack the message giver
  2. Attack myself
  3. Listen to myself
  4. Listen to the message giver

An example might help.

I was in my early thirties and my assistant at the time had just made a huge mess of arranging a conference I was responsible for. I knew it and she knew it and it was one of those situations that, if undealt with immediately, could have wrecked my career. I stayed very calm, we fixed the problem  and then had a ‘review’ of this major mess up. She sat there quivering with nerves as I started, very calmly and logically to go through what had happened and what we could learn from it. After about 5 minutes she could stand it no longer and blurted out,

“I messed up. We both know it. Any NORMAL person would have got angry and shouted at me. But not you. You are such a COLD FISH – it’s impossible to work with you!”

Hmmmm, that was difficult to hear.

How could I have reacted?

1   Go on the attack – with her

It was her that screwed things up, not me! How dare she criticise me? She’s completely incompetent and if I hadn’t stayed cool, calm and collected there’s no way we’d have recovered from the mess she’d caused. I’m not cold! I’m in control … and that’s what a good manager needs to be, especially with someone as useless as her! Grrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!

I suspect both of us would have ended up worse off with this approach. But isn’t this pretty common? … after all, attack is apparently the best form of defence.

2   Go on the attack – with myself

She’s absolutely right. Any one with balls would have at least raised their voice. What a weak, cowardly person I am. I’ll never make it any further as a manager – she needs strong, assertive leadership. Not only that but I’m devoid of emotion generally. Nothing affects me. Am I dead?

This was what I did at the time. Fortunately I managed to transform it later as it didn’t help my self esteem too much.

3   Listen – to myself

I’ve not heard anyone say that before and I don’t like hearing it. I’m confused and not sure if she’s talking only about this situation or about working with me in general. I’d like to be understood that I was trying my best to solve the problem and I really care about this work. I’d also like her to hear that I care about her and I don’t consider losing my cool to be respectful.

Now that’s a bit softer! I’m neither agreeing or disagreeing but just opening myself into an enquiring frame and with this energy I might discover something useful about myself in this feedback.

4   Listen – to her

Wow, she seems really upset about this. I guess she would have liked to have done a great job and she’s disappointed about what happened. Maybe she’s also looking for more passion and energy in her work with me. Perhaps she wants honest, direct feedback and communication.

Again that’s softer. With this energy I might discover something useful about her from this feedback. For sure we’re both more likely to get something out of the situation and maybe learn about each other.

I’m not claiming that 3 or 4 are easy, and it requires skill and presence to choose these responses over  attacking. What I’ve written here are more like internal monologues and choosing if and how to verbalise the response is another skill to develop.

What I can say is that when I have chosen 3 or 4 the difficult message has always turned out to be the start of an important and meaningful exchange.

How do you habitually react to difficult messages? Does it work for you?

*at a workshop on Nonviolent Communication
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