Posts Tagged ‘making decisions’

5 Questions While Waiting For A Baby

Feb 6th, 2010

I’m waiting for a baby to be born. To be exact, my third daughter is due to be born around 8th February.

I know many people find it hard to get excited about other peoples’ children, no matter how cute and angelic. If you’re one of those people then you probably haven’t even got this far into the article which is a shame because it’s not really about babies and kids and stuff.

On one hand it seems like I’m in a baby limbo where everything is ready and we’re just filling time waiting. We’re ready, the apartment is ready, family is ready, birth support is ready. Even the dogs are ready.

Just no baby yet!

On the other hand, and apologies for the well worn cliché, everything happens for a reason – even if we don’t know what it is.

One thing it has allowed me is a little space to reflect.

1. Nature Is Perfectly Designed Just As It Is

If a group of people had sat down and said, ‘Hey! Let’s create a way to make babies,‘ I doubt they could have come up with anything even close to the perfect way nature designed it.

The female body is beautifully constructed to grow, give birth to and then nurture a child. Everything is taken care of – even the feeding arrangements.

Isn’t this perfect design true of everything in nature?

We have great power to change the face of the earth and do so in the interests of making things better. We dig huge holes in mountains, mold the landscape, reclaim land, change the course of rivers, cut down forests and add to the gases in the air.

Does anything we do to the planet improve on nature?

2. Life Is Full Of Hazard

Child birth is a major physical, emotional and spiritual experience in which new life is brought into the world. Pregnancy is not an illness and birth is a perfectly natural event.

It happens all the time.

Yet every visit to the doctor, every time we open a book on the subject, we’re bombarded with lists of all the things that could go wrong. Most people we talk to are amazed Mona wants a natural birth without any chemical pain relief.

Faced with all these birth horror stories and the fear of pain, it’s no wonder so many women elect for a planned C-section – the standard way to give birth in Romania. Can anyone really tell me that in a perfectly healthy woman who has had a problem free pregnancy that it’s better to cut open her belly and pull the baby out?

Of course things can go wrong – but that doesn’t mean I should expect them to!

Bad things can happen walking down the street but I’d never go out if I took precautions for every single thing that could befall me. It’s good to be on the look out for danger and have an idea what to do – but not to assume that the sky is going to fall on my head when I step out the door.

Have we become so fear driven we’ve numbed ourselves to the experience of living?

3. We Could Move Things On

Mona, especially, is getting very impatient as she gets more and more uncomfortable and wanting her body back. As time goes on, the impatience and discomfort starts to outweigh any fear she might have of giving birth (though it’s my third, it’s her first). Inside, our baby is snug and warm and as she gets bigger the ’snug’ gets to a point where she’s squeezed as she runs out of room.

Allowing nature to run its course brings both mother and child to a point – a ‘tipping point’ – where it’s time for the birth.

It’s tempting to allow the impatience to rule and forget that everything happens at exactly the right time. We could take control and move things on. We could use chemicals. We could use surgery.

Many people do.

But do we really understand the consequences when we interfere with that perfect design of nature? Do we really know the long term effects on our baby? On the mother? And without wanting to sound overly dramatic … on the entire future of the human race?

In our desire for control, do we create long term problems by interfering?

4. Everyone wants to be involved

Everyone has an opinion on everything – from what Mona should be eating and doing, how we should give birth and even what name we should give our daughter. I suspect this is just the start and all these well meaning people will have plenty of advice for us for the next 20 years or so. I’m not talking about family and close friends – people close enough to us to know when their support is welcome and when not. I mean people who hardly know us or, in some cases, complete strangers.

It’s got to the point where we no longer answer the phone!

I take it as a sign of care and consideration but I’d love it if they could find different ways to express that.

I guess it’s no surprise when the papers are full of ‘news’ about the private lives of the rich and famous and our TV’s are a constant source of ‘reality’ shows (though not like any reality I’ve ever experienced).

Have we lost our capacity to judge when we’re welcome or not?

5. The State Doesn’t Trust Us

We are responsible people.

Both Mona and I are well and widely educated, we don’t take parenting lightly and are quite capable to make our decisions.

We’ve researched, spoken to many people and, though this is Mona’s first, it is my third birth. Everything has gone smoothly during pregnancy. We’ve checked with doctors and midwives and there are absolutely no signs of anything other than a perfectly normal birth.

We both believe, for many reasons, that a natural home birth is the best way to bring our daughter into the world. Recognising that things are unpredictible we’d like this to be supported by a trained midwife and a hospital ready to provide back-up if needed.

The state thinks we are stupid and irresponsible. Not just us .. but everyone.

They believe that hospital birth is best and have effectively made home birth illegal. If we do what we believe is best for Mona and for our baby then we risk not getting treated if things go wrong, prosecution and (I’m guessing here) being blacklisted by the social services.

People who don’t know us are making decisions about our lives.

In what areas do we allow others to make fundamental decisions about our lives?

6 Ways to cultivate confidence

Sep 4th, 2009

by ianpeatey.

7 comments

Today I’m featuring a guest post from Angela Chang. It’s my first, so it’s something of a personal experiment in cultivating my own confidence in my blog!

Whether it’s finding the right relationship, starting a profitable business, or becoming a successful speaker, confidence is often necessary in accomplishing our goals. Without confidence, we can’t move ahead to meet challenges. It prevents us from taking action, and we often become stagnant. In the worst case, it can lead to depression.

Here are 6 ways that can help you cultivate confidence.

1. Offer solutions, instead of relying on others.

Are you typically the person that lets others make decisions for you? Like what restaurant to eat at, or what movie to watch? When someone asks you what you want to do, do you often deflect the question back to them?

Instead of depending on others to decide, start proposing solutions. Use convictive words such as “Let’s do X”, “I propose X”, and “I suggest X”. Just by changing your language, you will start to feel more like a leader, rather than a passive follower.

It may seem very awkward at first, but you’ll eventually get used to it. Practice making decisions, instead of being in limbo. If a decision is not major, and you have the temptation to postpone making the decision, force yourself to make up your mind.

Be specific in your goals and intentions. If you plan to go on a trip sometime, don’t tell people “I plan to go someplace sometime in the future”, but come up with a specific time and place such as “I am going to visit Japan next summer.”

2. Be Honest.

Many times, when we’re not confident with ourselves we often disguise our true, insecure selves and pretend to be someone else. We may lie about certain things such as our job, or our hobbies. On the surface, this might seem like a good idea, but guess what? This will turn into a vicious cycle.

Rather than pretending to be someone else, try being yourself. Reveal your vulnerabilities. Embrace your weaknesses. The more honest and open you are, the less anxious you are about being exposed to others. You will often find that people are drawn more to people who reveal how vulnerable they are. Intimate relationships develop from people who are honest with each other. Look are your current relationships: Are your close friends people you’ve met through trading business cards in a convention, or sales meeting?

3. Take the initiative in introducing yourself.

How many times have you been to a social event, and hang around until someone introduces themselves? Next time, take the initiative to introduce yourself! Just go up to a person, and say “Hi. My name is X. What is yours?”. Like most things, it sounds scarier than it really is. After the conversation is over, you will feel great about yourself.

If you can easily introduce yourself to people, try bearing the burden of the conversation. Don’t rely on the other person to come up with an interesting topic to talk about. Bring up something that interests you, and talk about it!

Many people often dis-empower themselves by thinking they’ll be regarded as stalkers, or freaks if they took the initiative in introducing themselves, especially to people of the opposite sex. But the reality is that most people will think you are cool.

4. Know what you want.

If you’re not confident, you usually feel inadequate. If you know what you want, and understand your values and principles, that feeling evaporates. Take the time to understand what your life purpose is, and what guides your life. Come up with some exciting goals, and develop a methodological plan to work on them. If you’re just living life randomly, and following the script handed to you by your parents or society, a feeling of inadequacy is inevitable. But if you live your life consciously, a strong feeling of confidence will develop. You’ll finally feel like a creator, instead of someone that simply reacts to life circumstances.

5. Learn new skills.

A lack of confidence is usually present for a reason, and that reason may be a feeling that you’re not accomplishing much. While it’s unhealthy to compare yourself to other people, this feeling is usually warranted. The best way to combat it is to simply learn more things, and be more capable.

Learn a new skill such as swimming or yoga or playing the piano. Learn more about the different types of religion, or the history of China. Learn how to set-up a website, or how to repair cars. Ideally you want to find something you would love to do, not something that would impress people.

6. Take care of your body.

Another major contributor to a lack of confidence is not loving your body. If you don’t like how you look, you can always make it better either through a healthier diet or exercise (ideally both!) The funny thing is that the simple act of exercising will immediately boost your confidence, even if it has no affect on your physical appearance. Exercising gives you energy and boosts your mind, which in turn leads to a feeling of self-worth. If you take care of your body, you’re basically saying to yourself “I love myself, and I’ll do everything possible to make sure I’m at my best!”

Angela is a yoga lover, personal development coach and a colon cleanse expert. She’s writing a personal development book that will be coming out late next year.

You don’t have to do anything

Mar 22nd, 2009

by ianpeatey.

12 comments

“All organisms with complex nervous systems are faced with the moment-by-moment- question that is posed by life: What shall I do next?”

Sue Savage-Rumbaugh / Roger Lewin

I’m making decisions in every conscious moment from a huge range of possible things I could do.

Right now I’m typing. Each tap on the keyboard represents a decision to carry on writing against some other attractive possibilities. I could make myself a coffee, take a nap, put on some music, go for a walk. The list of options is only limited by my imagination.

Yet I choose this tap tap tap on the keys of my laptop even though nobody is standing over me with a gun pointed at my head.

I choose everything

My point is that EVERYTHING I do is a decision from a range of choices. It’s not always an easy decision, but it is a decision nonetheless, and it is MY decision.

Sometimes, though, I find I’m telling myself I ‘Have To’ do certain things and that I have no choice. Some years ago that was pretty much how I lived my whole life. I had to have a job because I had to earn money to maintain the mortgage I had to have to be able to buy the house I lived in. I had to own the house rather than rent because married people had to do that, yes?

I could fill the post with all the things I ‘had to’ do, but I think you get the point.

All that big picture stuff played out the same way in the day to day decisions.

I reckon that at least 75% of what I did in a typical day, and 90% of how I lived my life was motivated by the words ‘I Have To’. I think I’ve moved it to 30% and 25% which is a huge step forward and I look forward to the day when both are at zero!

The universal law of ‘Have To’

I often hear people tell me that they have responsibilities and duties. If everyone did just what they wanted then the world would collapse in chaos because there are some things people just have to do, they tell me! Then they list some sterling examples, such as pay taxes, send kids to school, earn money, stay within the law.

What’s on your list?

As a scientific theory ‘some things people just have to do‘ doesn’t stand up to too much scrutiny. If you can find just one example of someone who doesn’t do it, then clearly it’s not a universal law.

My guess is if you go through your own ‘Have To’ list you’ll find at least one exception for each item.

So if it’s not a universal law, who told you it applies to you? What are your reasons for doing this with a ‘Have To’ rather than a ‘Choose To’? What consequences are you avoiding by doing this thing? What benefits are you gaining by doing it?

I’m not suggesting to stop paying taxes, sending kids to school etc.. I am suggesting that you choose to do these things and are not compelled to do them.

If I choose to do something then, I believe, I enjoy it more and I take more responsibility.

Why we ‘Have To’

Sometimes I genuinely don’t have a choice and there is only one possibility. Is this ever true? I think it’s a lack of imagination rather than a lack of choice.

In the highly unlikely event someone was pointing a gun at me to force me to finish this post, I would still have a choice. I might not like the alternatives, but they are still there.

Another reason might be that I don’t want to take responsibility for the consequences of my decisions.

‘It wasn’t my fault, I didn’t want to publish this article but I had to. There was a gun pointing at my head.’

This used to be quite common in many parts of the public sector (for example) where employees hid behind regulations and procedures. I don’t think they had guns aimed at them but they often acted as though they did.

Mostly though I think ‘Have To’ thinking is passed to us from an early age as part of our socialisation (or ’social control’). It’s much easier to get me to obey if I can be convinced I have no choice.

What to do about it?

Of course there is no reason you have to do anything about it.

There might be some good reasons why you might choose to.

I’m pretty sure that anything done from an energy of choice is more enjoyable than those from an energy of no-choice and probably the quality and value created is also going to be higher.

More importantly, I believe much violence is carried out under the mistaken view that it is the only way and there’s no choice.

I’m convinced that if everything we do is out of choice there would be far less violence in the world.