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Posts Tagged ‘Listening’

Book Review: Inner Productivity

Oct 15th, 2009
by ianpeatey.
10 comments

It is with some humility that I’m writing this, my very first book review.

Even more so because the book I’m reviewing was written by Chris Edgar, one of my virtual friends, a regular contributor here and author of Purpose, Power, Coaching.

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Yes, Chris has written a book and he was kind and trusting enough to send me a review copy.

INNER PRODUCTIVITY: A Mindful Path to Efficiency and Enjoyment in Your Work

It’s a real book, mind, with paper pages bound together and not one of those modern eBook thingys! At nearly 200 pages it’s neither a quick read nor a door stop and about the right length, in fact!

Overview

This book is about cultivating what I call inner productivity—the mental and emotional state that allows you to get the most done and find the most enjoyment in your work

I think Chris is underselling because this book is not only relevant to our working life, but to everything we do.

My first impression when I scanned it was, ‘Wow. I could have written this book.’

I don’t mean I could actually have written it – but that Chris sees the world in a way that’s very close to how I approach life. For me the book is a peek inside myself and full of practical exercises and mini case studies drawn from his work as a coach. He cleverly bridges hard business ideas about productivity to spiritual and other ways of working with our inner world.

If you’ve read any comments by Chris then you may, like me, have been impressed by his depth and the practical advice he offers. His book is a little like reading a thousand of his great comments all rolled together.

Inside the Cover

There are four main sections to the book. I don’t want to give too much away so will just give a small taste of what each is about.

1   Your Inner Experience of Working

How we see the world is not the same as how the world actually is. When we realise this we take power back into our hands and find liberation – we’re no longer victims of the world, but creators.

2   Attention

Where we place our attention is crucial in accessing the state of flow – that beautiful feeling of pure motivation for what we are doing, here and now. Some really great exercises, for example about getting curious.

3   Intention

Many of us, whether consciously or not, have come to believe we need to be disconnected from our hearts to succeed in business, and perhaps elsewhere.

Discovering what we want to achieve, not just intellectually, but with the full weight of our emotional passion behind it. More than that, it’s not enough to know what we want to achieve, but we also need to know how we want to achieve it and to reconnect with our whole being – including our bodies and our emotions.

4   Foundation

This is about developing the grounding or inner stability that allows us to deal with whatever comes up in our lives. It’s about developing a deep and gentle self love and a greater sense of who we are. This may involve peering into our inner fears and darkness – but to do so for the healing it brings and to take us back to authenticity.

Don’t read this book

… If you’re looking for tips and techniques

… want a light read or

… hope to get to know Chris better.

It’s an holistic look at what makes us tick – physical, emotional, intellectual dimensions. If you’re looking for a ‘How To’ book with tips and techniques , then this is not the book for you.

It’s about noticing how you approach the world – without fighting it or running away from it – just being with it. That doesn’t always make for an easy, light read as for many of us it involves facing some things we’d rather keep hidden. Chris always gives the reader the choice to look or not – there’s not a hint of preaching and he has a gentle touch.

I had the idea I was listening in on Chris rather than that he was talking to me. Like many good coaches he keeps some distance – I didn’t get the idea I knew Chris any better after reading the book. Some people might not enjoy that style, and miss a more intimate connection with the author. I personally enjoyed it as it gave me freedom to decide what to listen to and what not.

In conclusion. I enjoyed it, got a lot out of it and many things stay with me days after reading it.

Finally

I’ve noticed that when it comes to money, some people get a bit sensitive. As transparency is important to me I want to be clear that I have no financial relationship with Chris. I would have no hesitation in developing one, but I don’t have plans in that direction.

If you buy the book then Chris, as the author, obviously will get some money. If you choose to buy the book from Amazon through one of my links on this site then I get a small commission via my affiliate account.

In fact, this is no different from any book you might buy after following a link I provide here. I only ever link to books (like this one) I’ve read, enjoyed and would recommend to my closest and most intimate friends.

Not all my friends like my suggestions, but I think that’s normal and I’ve not yet lost a friend as a result of a bad suggestion.

Don’t Just Do Something! Sit There!

Sep 30th, 2009
by ianpeatey.
21 comments

What to do when someone comes to me with a problem? It’s not always desirable to mind my own business especially when someone asks me to get involved or I am involved by nature of the relationship itself.

loneliness

We’ve all experienced a family member, friend or colleague start talking about a difficult situation they face. Sometimes it comes out as unfocused complaining and other times they are clear they need help. Everyone has challenges from time to time, some more than others, and it’s quite natural to reach out to those closest to us for help.

‘My husband’s cheating on me! / My job sucks and my boss is an a**hole! / I’m feeling down and don’t know why! / My kids won’t listen to me! / Should I buy the blue shirt or the brown one?’

Big challenges and small and clearly each situation is different and demands a different response. I’ve found, however, in the vast majority of cases the best response is to resist my immediate urge to fix the problem (unless, of course, the situation is an emergency that requires urgent action!).

I’m more likely to help by first responding with empathy and my full attention to the person.

Don’t just do something!

Sit there!

The power of empathy

By ’sit there’ I don’t mean shutting down, ignoring or turning my back on the problem. I mean responding with empathy. It requires presence, concentration and the capacity to be with someone without judging. It requires listening to more than just the words being expressed but to the meaning of them – not to me, but to the person I’m with.

Empathy, by my definition, is when I’m with your reaction to your problem. Sympathy, which I’ll mention later, is when I’m with my reaction to your problem.

Why is empathy so powerful?

On an intellectual level I don’t know. What I do know is that I’ve experienced its power time and time again. When something troubles me, and I receive the gift of full, non judgemental attention of another human being I have space and safety to look inside myself. When I allow myself to be held by that attention I can connect much deeper to what’s going on inside and find my own way out of the darkness. My experience is validated through the acceptance of it by someone else and once it’s validated I no longer think there’s something wrong with me and I can start to free the baggage that’s getting in the way of a solution.

An example might help.

A few weeks ago I was struggling with some questions about what I wanted to do next in life. I was feeling confused and overwhelmed thinking about all the possibilities and somewhat panicked about being half way through my life (I’m an optimistic 45 year old!). I started talking to Mona about it. And she sat and listened. From time to time she suggested some names for the feelings or the needs I was trying to grasp, and nothing else. No advice. No sympathy. Just her full, empathic attention.

In the space of her attention I found the core of what I was looking for, things started to fall into place and I produced my own ideas about what to do next. She didn’t jump into solutions. She didn’t try to make me feel better. She just sat, listened and checked in with me occasionally.

And I’ve experienced this so many times – both receiving and giving empathy – that I no longer need a rational explanation. I trust it’s power.

Breaking some habits

Empathy comes quite naturally to some people.

If you’re anything like me, though, you will have developed some problem-fixing habits that interfere with being with someone empathically. When I used to be faced with someone with a problem, I noticed a number of automatic responses, depending on the situation, that were all about trying to fix the problem quickly.

1   ‘If I were you …’

It’s obvious I know but I tend to forget that I’m not you. Often I give advice based on what I would do if I was faced with something similar. But it is you who has the problem, you who has to take the action and you who will have to live with the consequences. You. Not me. I don’t know what’s best for you.

Empathy keeps my attention on you not on me.

2   ‘What you should do is …’

This is the habit of jumping to an answer before I understand your situation fully. Every situation has a rational side to it – who did what to whom and when. What happened, what could happen, and a whole set of possibilities or probabilities. If I’m patient and mindful, I’ll probably ask some intelligent questions to help me get a better picture.

There’s another aspect to each situation we rarely delve into, and that’s the emotional side and spiritual side – how you experience this situation and what it means to you.

You can never fully face whatever the problem is until those two are taken account of. They are an integral part of the whole and by jumping into the rational solution too quickly I don’t honour your experience and what it means.

Empathy gives me the tool to do this.

3   ‘Don’t worry be happy …’

Don't_worry,_be_happyThis is another form of advice but rather more general and superficial. Another version of this habit is to remind you ‘this too will pass’.  This is certainly true, but we are having this conversation here and now, not in the future. You already know it will pass and being reminded of it might be comforting but more likely gives the message that your current pain is not important. With this form of advice I’m not honouring your experience but trying to minimise your pain. Your pain is real and it’s part of your current reality.

Empathy stays with your current experience and the quality of that presence allows the pain to disappear faster.

4   ‘Poor you … ‘

This is a form of sympathy, not empathy. It’s a judgement where I agree that you are in a bad position. While my intention might be to support you by validating your reaction, this habit has the risk of keeping the pain alive. I’m agreeing with you being a victim and probably comes from my feelings – outraged, horrified or upset – when I hear your story. This is my stuff not yours.

Empathy keeps my stuff to one side so I can be with your feelings without any judgement.

5   ‘I know just how you feel … ‘

I don’t know how you feel! Even if I’ve faced something similar, it was not the same and my reactions were not the same for the simple reason that I’m not you. My intention may be to comfort you by telling you you’re not the first one to have this problem. Again this minimises your experience, but more critically I’m using your problem as an opportunity to talk about myself. I’ve neatly turned the attention away from you.

Empathy keeps my focus on you and you alone.

Finally …

I’m not saying don’t give advice or sympathy … just be very, very cautious when doing so.

After all, if someone does take your advice and it all goes horribly wrong … who are they going to blame?

Sticks and stones

Aug 30th, 2009
by ianpeatey.
9 comments

A very angry man interrupted one of the Buddha’s lectures and proceeded to verbally abuse him by hurling insults. The Buddha just sat there calmly. Finally the man asked the Buddha why he failed to respond to the insults and abuse.

The Buddha replied, “If someone offers you a gift, and you decline to accept it, to whom does the gift belong?”

The man replied, “To the one who offered it.”

Buddha responded, “Then I decline your abuse and request you keep it for yourself.”

Conditioned to respond

One of the things the Buddha did in this story was to challenge our conditioned responses. The man expected a response to his provocations. After all, if someone insults you then you have to respond in some way.

Don’t you?

But who said we have to respond when we’re insulted?

I often work with groups of business people and one of the tasks I set is to ask them to give feedback to each other. Often the feedback is critical in some way but we work hard to express it in a constructive way. More often than not the feedback is very helpful and sensitive.

Despite the fact it never even gets close to ‘verbal abuse’, the recipient of the feedback almost always feels some impulse to respond, explain, defend or justify. They get the point eventually, but at the start they have a hard time to take the feedback as a gift and to see they have a choice about whether to accept it or not.

Somehow we learn to respond to anything that sounds like an attack and we’ll each have our default setting we revert to.

1   Take up arms in the arena

My own default setting is to jump into the arena and verbally attack back. It’s based on a belief that this protects me by a show of strength. But in many cases the opposite happens and I end up in an argument or even a fight. I’m embarrassed to remember the numerous times I’ve got into an escalating argument by responding to insults, verbal attacks or criticism.

Sometimes it serves a purpose but mostly it’s a waste of energy. And even more, each time I ran the risk of it turning into something more serious.

I heard from someone involved in police training (and I’m sorry that I don’t have any evidence to back this up) that 90% of cases of physical violence are preceded by some sort of verbal violence.

2   The arena doormat

Another common response is to take it silently on the chin. I stay in the arena and allow the other person to mop the floor with me. I soak up the verbal attack in the hope that they’ll eventually stop and leave me alone. Maybe I even start to believe some of the insults and that I deserve them.

3   Stay out of the arena

The Buddha’s response in the story shows a third way – to simply decline to enter the arena. He explicitly left his attacker alone in the arena. He could perhaps have added how he was reacting to the outburst of anger, though I’m certain he had very good reasons why he didn’t say more than he did.

Choosing consciously

I believe each response has its place but each situation is unique so demands a fresh choice.  A first step to making better choices might be to raise my awareness of how I habitually react.

1   Give myself space to check what’s going on:

  • In my body – where in my body do I feel something as a result of this? What do I feel?
  • In my emotions – what am I feeling? which emotion is shouting loudest?
  • In my head – what words are forming in my head as a response?

2   They want to communicate something:

  • Putting aside their poor communication skills – what might they be trying to communicate?
  • Do I have the time and energy to hear what they want to say?
  • Putting aside my poor listening skills – is there potentially something useful for me to hear?
  • Keeping things in their rightful place – is this really anything to do with me?

3   My personal safety:

  • This is my number one priority – which response is likely to be the safest for me?
  • Which response is likely to make the situation worse?

I can choose a conscious response even when the verbal attack represents a significant threat to my safety – be it some form of regular harassment (at home, school or work?) or a potential attack by strangers. In fact, in these cases, I suggest a conscious choice is much wiser than relying on an automatic response.

Footnote

Thanks to Lea at Ocean of Perspectives for the Buddha story and inspiration for the article.

Interrupting with grace

May 27th, 2009
by ianpeatey.
11 comments

Do you hate it when people interrupt you? You know those situations – when you’re half way through expressing your thought and someone butts in and starts jabbering themselves?

I confess I do it, myself. Yes, it’s true. I am an interrupter!

Why do people interrupt

I’ve been thinking about this for some time and there are several possible reasons, why I interrupt:

  • I want to annoy you and guess this will do the trick
  • I know what you’re going to say and I’ll express it better than you possibly could
  • I disagree with you and can’t wait to find out what it is I’m actually disagreeing with before telling you
  • I’m so excited about my idea and I don’t have the patience to wait for you to finish
  • I’m not listening to you and don’t even realise you’re talking.

Some of these are not reasons I’m happy with and I’ve worked pretty hard on developing more patience, greater attention to others and generally growing up to avoid those. From time to time I forget and still do it, but it gets better.

Interrupting is not always ‘bad’

In many cultures it’s considered a ‘bad’ thing to interrupt. Most of the time I agree, because if I’m interrupting then I’m not listening.  I consider listening to be the core skill in communication (maybe even more important than expressing myself).

If I’m not listening to you then it is not necessarily about my lack of attention or skill! It could be that you’re  just not saying anything that touches or interests me in any way. Usually there’s no life in the conversation and I’m not feeling any connection between us.

A few years ago I would have politely allowed you to finish what you were saying, feigning interest, nodding my head and laughing in what I judged to be the right places. Sometimes I’d get caught out and laugh at what I thought was a joke, but was in fact a serious comment. I’d either try to escape at the earliest opportunity or to at least steer the conversation onto something more interesting.

Isn’t life too short to pretend to listen to someone for the sake of politeness (which after all is culturally specific)? Aren’t there better things we could both be doing instead of staying in a dead conversation? I’ve grown to believe that it’s ‘bad’ to allow someone to continue talking when there’s no life in the conversation.

Isn’t it better to find a way to interrupt with style and grace?

How to interrupt

713307_wearing_a_suitHere’s my own guide to interrupting in a way that’s, at the very least not going to do any harm, and might even improve the conversation.

1   Why am I not listening?

I want to be clear what’s going on that’s making it hard for me to listen.

Is it about my stuff?

Perhaps my own thoughts have been triggered by something I heard and I want to share those. Or maybe I’m distracted, tired or impatient and would prefer to be somewhere else.

Or is it about what I’m hearing?

Perhaps I’m not clear what’s motivating the speaker to share. Maybe the story is longer than my interest level. Or it could be that I’m just struggling to connect with any life in what I’m hearing.

Ideally, I’ll be able to bring my attention back to you and not have to interrupt at all.

2   What’s my intention in interrupting?

It’s important to me that I can connect with my own positive intention in interrupting, otherwise I’m just going to come across as rude and selfish. Yes, I want to interrupt to look after my own needs, but I also want to pay attention to the speaker’s needs. After all, they are giving me a gift by trying to express something. I assume it’s important to them or they wouldn’t be making the attempt to communicate it.

At the very least I guess they want to be heard, and right now that’s not happening.

3   Get attention

This can be tricky, especially if the speaker is not very aware of their audience. I find the best approach is usually a straight forward:

“I’d like to interrupt you”

I might also do some kind of signal (stand up, put up my hand etc.).

4   Quickly explain what’s going on

Before the speaker can get upset, I explain in a couple of sentences what’s going on and why I’ve interrupted.

I find it important to stay with the interruption itself rather than pretend I haven’t done it. That’s what happens if I just launch into saying what I want to say. Each situation is different, so just as an example I might say something like:

“I’d really like to be giving you my full attention, and I guess you’d like that too. Right now I’m lost in the detail I’m hearing and I’ve stopped listening.”

5    What I want to happen now

The final thing I want to say is to make a clear request about what I want to happen now.

It could be something related to the topic, such as:

“Could you summarise in a couple of sentences the key points you wanted me to hear?”

Or it could be related to the interruption itself, such as:

“I’m concerned you might have heard some criticism. How is it for you that I’ve interrupted you?”

There are times we owe it to ourselves and those around us to interrupt. It is possible to do it with grace, and I found the times I’ve used this way have greatly improved the conversation.

I would much rather be interrupted than have you fake listening to me.

The beauty of differences

May 20th, 2009
by ianpeatey.
16 comments

With approximately 6 billion unique people living on this planet, there’s a lot of difference. No other person experiences the world exactly as I do. They all see it, hear it and think about it differently. They all have different tastes, preferences, dreams, aspirations, motivations, beliefs … the list is endless.

crowded-mall

Enjoying this infinite array of difference can be delightful and a wonderful challenge.

I’d like to live my life enjoying and celebrating ALL those differences. Not only with those who think and act a little different from me but also those who are polar opposites. The further away someone is, the greater the opportunity for mutual learning and enjoyment – and the greater the gap between us I need to handle.

If I don’t have an appropriate attitude and skills, even small differences can be a major headache as I interact, communicate, work and live with others.

More than that, I believe our collective lack of these attitudes and skills is at the root of much of the violence in the world. Consider a ‘terrorist’ bombing, an invading army, a mugging on the street, a wife beating. Often they are not caused by differences or by some pathology but rather by our failure to handle difference peacefully.

Attitudes to difference

If I see the world as basically divided into ‘good/bad’ or ‘right/wrong’ then I’m going to have a hard time coping with anything that deviates from my way of thinking. I will use my energy to turn the ‘bad’ into ‘good’ and to correct the mistakes of those who are ‘wrong’.

In this view of the world difference is a threat and I tend to be repulsed by it.

Even if I’m open-minded enough to be persuaded to change my mind from time to time, this ‘either/or’ thinking puts my energy into division and separation. In order to change my mind (or behaviour) it is up to you to present me with substantial enough evidence for me to convert. Or perhaps I’ll put my energy into trying to change you, maybe even by force if necessary.

Take skin colour as an example.

In polarised thinking I might determine my skin colour to be ‘good’ and other colours ‘bad’. The further away your skin colour from mine, the more ‘bad’ you are and, while I might not try to change your skin colour, I might value you less highly and avoid or marginalise you.

Clearly this is a crazy attitude, but crazy seems to be very common!

I believe an important step is to change my polarised, static thinking into something that flows and to recognise that in most things there is a continuum and there is variety.

People are not black or white, but represent a whole rainbow of colour, and not just in skin pigmentation!

If I’m curious, every difference represents an addition to my experience and a chance to add something to my understanding of the human condition. I may be horrified, afraid or disgusted by it, but that’s a strong indicator that the gap is wide and the potential for learning huge.

In this view of the world, difference is welcome and I’m attracted to it.

Skills of handling difference

I don’t think there is any mysterious skill involved and it’s within all of us and is easily learned and refined.

Consider those people who seem naturally at ease with the variations in the people around them. I believe they are skilled in 4 basic areas:

  • Finding common ground

Despite the multitude ways we differ from each other, at the core we’re the same. We’re made of the same material, are physically designed to a similar blueprint and we share the same universal needs. We drink the same water, breathe the same air and eat food. And we all need love with it’s myriad manifestations.

While I may not find common ground in our thinking, beliefs or preferences, I can always find common ground in our shared humanity.

  • Enquiry

Asking questions from an enquiring mind gives you an opportunity to share your inner world with me. Enquiring questions are open (what? how?) and short and explore rather than interrogate.

  • Listening

Fully listening not only to your words, but to the deeper currents of emotions and values. So called ‘active listening’ can be faked but not sustained. The highest levels of listening are an invitation to you to open up. It is a gift of my attention and space where I cherish your experience and life energy.

  • Expressing

Sharing what is alive in me, my vulnerabilities, my joys and the journey of my life gives you a chance to learn from me. It builds trust and mutual connection and is just as much a gift as what you reveal to me.

I believe when we can relate to each other in this way, we not only handle the differences between us, but we can enjoy them.

Violence has no place when we approach each other as human beings.

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