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Posts Tagged ‘Judgements’

How To Fully Enjoy Life

Oct 23rd, 2009
by ianpeatey.
30 comments

We all judge, whether we want to or not. Transforming our judgements can take us closer to experiencing, and enjoying, the world as it really is, rather than how we think it is.

To Judge Or Not To Judge

Raw judgements rarely help us except in urgent situations where we don’t have time to process our thinking. A figure approaching us from a dark alleyway with something silver glittering in its hand is probably going to trigger a judgement that this is ‘dangerous and bad’.

Our snap judgement could be wrong, of course, and there’s a chance (albeit very slim) they might have a handful of silver they want to give us. We’ll quite rightly respond to our immediate analysis by taking action – running away and shouting loudly would probably be a sensible thing to do.

At a basic level we think something or someone is ‘good’ or bad’ and at more advanced levels we have a rich vocabulary of adjectives to name our judgements.

Whatever level we operate at, those judgements are our thoughts. No more, no less.

Those thoughts often interfere with our capacity to fully experience life, and especially the people we share it with.

Many of us can recognise judgements as they pass our minds and see through them to reality, but it takes practice to consistently transform them from static statements of perception to more flowing and deeper explorations of our experience.

I believe this is true whether our judgements are ‘negative’ or ‘positive’.

The Mona Lisa Is Very Small

monalisaI remember my only visit to the Louvre in Paris when I was about 22 years old. It’s packed with some of the greatest works of art we’ve ever produced.

I walked from one painting or sculpture paying cursory attention to each with an internal running commentary going something like this:

‘That one’s nice. This is ugly. This one is beautiful.’

5 seconds at the Mona Lisa was enough to conclude ‘It’s small’ before passing on. The most famous painting in the world – and all I took away from it was its size!

With each piece I was more focussed on judging and categorising than I was on experiencing it. What a missed opportunity!

Now I realise that I used to do the same with people – still do sometimes, but I’m learning to change.

Transformation in 3 Steps

I’d like to share a simple 3 step practice that I’ve been using for a few years that has helped me immensely. It works equally well with things I don’t enjoy – but I’ll stay with the positive things to illustrate the practice.

  1. Observation
  2. Feelings
  3. Life enrichment

Step 1 Observation

I experience the world, then I filter it through my memories and belief systems, analyse and interpret it. Presto! Out pops a judgement. Instead, I try to imagine a full sensory video camera recording and I’m watching / hearing / touching /smelling / tasting the replay.

By bringing myself back, as far as I can, to what I actually see, hear, touch, smell or taste – without my ‘black box’ processing – I can find greater freedom in relation to it.

As an example I’ll use a true event, with the name changed (but you know who you are!).

Judgement - Katarzyna is a thoughtful, sensitive person with impeccably good taste in what she reads.

Transforms to – Katarzyna said to me last week that she reads my blog every few days, has printed out several articles and one article in particular touched her so much she cried.

The judgement stops me exploring further and takes my attention away from, in this case, the words I heard. Transforming my judgement allows me to savour the sensory experience.

Step 2 Feelings

Feelings are an important part of my humanity and I want to experience them as fully as possible. They are mine and do not belong to anyone else – in fact, people can’t make me feel anything. They’re involved but are the trigger and not the cause – more like catalysts.

When I believe they cause my feelings then I risk setting up an emotional dependency that reduces freedom and autonomy for both of us.

Judgement - Katarzyna makes me feel moved, grateful, proud and inspired.

Transforms to – I feel moved, grateful, proud and inspired.

The difference is subtle yet important.

The transformation helps me enjoy my feelings as coming from within and from my experience of life rather than received from the outside world.

Step 3 Life Enrichment

My life is continuously enriched in so many ways. It can be hard to define exactly which aspect of me is being enriched and words are often poor guides to describe this. Yet finding words is often the only way I have for connecting with that life energy deep within.

Judgement – Katarzyna cares and respects me and finds my writing meaningful and helpful.

Transforms to – My life is enriched through my needs of respect, meaning and making a difference to other people.

By finding the elements of my life energy (I call them ‘needs‘) that have been enriched I can connect more deeply to myself – and to Katarzyna. In this place I feel gratitude to Katarzyna for telling me this, and to myself for my role in the creation.

In this place I’m not focused on who is giving and who receiving – we are both givers and receivers. The transformation breaks down the boundaries between us and helps me connect to the universal life force that binds us all together.

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Tips On Using The Practice

At first it may feel a little artificial and take time to transform judgements, but after a while of regular practice it becomes natural and automatic.

  • Gratitude journal – Keep a daily journal to use the 3 steps to record a few things that happened during the day that enriched your life. 5 – 10 minutes a day is a small investment in gratitude to others and to yourself.
  • Expressing gratitude – Practice using the 3 steps to express gratitude when someone does something that you enjoy. Tell them what they did, how you feel about it and how it enriched you.
  • Transforming criticism – Use the 3 steps to transform negative judgements. The process works equally well with things we don’t enjoy and the ways our lives were not enriched.
  • Share your experiences – If you use the process and find it helpful, bookmark this page and come back and leave a comment. That way you’ll enrich my life and maybe inspire others.

PS – I know the title is grammatically incorrect, but I think it sounds better that way. You know … ‘To boldly go’ versus ‘to go boldly.’

Talking behind your back

Sep 16th, 2009
by ianpeatey.
16 comments

One of my personal rules is not to talk about someone behind their back.

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Until my mid 20′s I was a huge gossip (it is not true that men don’t gossip!). I worked in a small office in a close knit group. I say ‘worked’ but in reality we spent more time gossiping about our co-workers in other parts of the building. Mainly we used to talk about who we thought was sleeping with whom, who we liked and who not. Of course we would never repeat to someone’s face what we’d said behind their back.

It seemed to me that everyone was doing it. We were all TV addicts and often chatted about the daily soaps. The characters there often talked behind each other’s backs. We made it part of our daily life. Picking on mistakes, laughing at them and hypothesising about the intimate details of others.

Sometimes the talk was complimentary, usually it was not.

At some point I came to the conclusion that this was not a good thing – either for me or for the subject of my behind-the-back-talking.

1   Trust

One day a friend pointed out:

‘How can anyone trust you when you’re constantly talking about other people behind their back? I’m often wondering what you say about me when I’m not around.’

Now this seems pretty obvious, but at the time it was not. If I often judge you (good or bad) and only speak these things behind your back, how can anyone trust what I say to their face?

Clearly they can’t – least of all you!

2   Myth becomes reality

If someone hears what I say about you, they may believe it. As well as the opinion they’ll form about how trustworthy I am and my level of respect for others, they will certainly form some impression about you based on my words. This may be sub-conscious but will still happen, unless they are very self aware.

Next time they meet you they’ll carry that impression with them and not fully experience you. Their image of who you are will be distorted by the things they heard. For example, if I recounted a story about a mistake you made, they’ll be on the look-out for you to slip up.

My judgements, impressions and even the things I notice about you are not ‘truth’ but entirely depend on how I see the world. The things I say (especially judgements) are my own myths about you. I may not like you very much but I may well be the only person who doesn’t. I really don’t have any right to turn my own myths into reality.

3   Self reflection

I believe that I only notice things in others that are a reflection of myself in some way. They could be things I don’t much like about myself or things I’m envious about and wish I had more of.

For example, for a long time I had problems with my self confidence and wanted more. I really didn’t like it when I saw it in others – judging them as arrogant, self absorbed or abrasive. My desire to have more myself made me much more sensitive when I saw it in others.

So rather than make these judgements and turn them into cheap entertainment for the amusement of my friends, I started using these to look at myself. Each time I’m triggered in some way by the behaviour of another (good or bad) I use it to ask myself what it means for me. It’s a great source of things to work on in my own self development.

4   Energy vampire

It’s obvious that if I’m telling you something to your face (about what I think or feel in relation to you) it will have an effect of some kind. You’ll listen, react , maybe you’ll like it, maybe not, you’ll decide if it’s useful or not and then move on. The point is that it will make a small change in your energy.

I believe the same happens when I talk behind your back. We’re all linked together and connected in ways that I don’t fully understand. The distance is greater when it’s not to your face so the energetic connection weaker, but I’m likely to say things more strongly so the force can be stronger. I don’t know for sure what, if any, effect this will have on you, but why take the risk? Why suck some of your energy without permission?

I’m no longer a gossip and I rarely talk about someone who’s not there.

It may not be as much fun to listen to me, but at least I’m not having fun at the expense of someone who’s not present.

Top 8 Taboo Words

Feb 27th, 2009
by ianpeatey.
16 comments

Do some words drive you up the wall?

Are there things you hear or say that trigger a negative, maybe even an angry, reaction?

From violent words come violent acts

I once heard a trainer of the police claim that 90% of all acts of physical violence are preceded by an exchange of words. The police in his country are taught how to calm a situation, in the first instance, using only words. I’m not talking here about an angry tone of voice but about the words themselves and the thinking they reveal.

Since I started looking closely a few years ago at how I communicate, I discovered the power of words to trigger violence to myself or others. Unless I’m very conscious, judgements, evaluations, demands, generalisations all have some role in sowing the seeds of violence.

To fulfil my marginal obsession with lists – here’s my personal Top 8:

‘Taboo words you say to me at your peril’

In no particular order …

1      Must (or ‘have to’)

I hear “You must …” as a clear attempt to restrict my freedom to choose for myself. Behind this word is a message there’s no choice in the matter and, if I don’t obey, some unpleasant consequences will be sent down on me by way of punishment. When I do submit to things I ‘must’ do, then it’s always with a heavy energy. I much prefer the energy of choice.

My immediate reaction to “You must …” is invariably to rebel and do exactly the opposite. If you know this, of course, then you have a very powerful way to manipulate me – so I’m selectively rebellious.

Favourite response – “I don’t have to do anything!” (spoken in the voice of a sarcastic adolescent)

2      Should (or ‘ought’ or ‘supposed to’ etc.)

Closely related to word 1 but a bit more subtle and manipulative. This implies I can choose, but if I don’t I’m crazy or, at best, stupid. After all everyone else knows this is what I should do!

My usual reaction is that of the rebel (and again that’s selective!).

Favourite response – “Don’t use the ‘S-word’ with me!“

3      But

Not to be confused with ‘butt’ which I quite enjoy anatomically and as a word. The three letter version is usually just a sneaky way of disagreeing. Listen out for “Yes, but …” and I guarantee what follows next is either proof that I’m wrong or an excuse of some kind.

Favourite response – ‘Please, don’t stick your ‘but’ in my face!‘

4      Never

This is such an incredibly long time and disturbingly infinite that it just makes no sense. I find it especially annoying when used as a criticism, as in, for example, “You never wash the dishes”.

Favourite response – “That’s so unfair! I washed them on 15th April 1992“

5       Cucumber

You may be thinking ‘*??!**?? ..huh?’ and I don’t blame you as it’s not strictly a taboo word. I really can’t stand the taste of cucumber and just hearing the word makes me want to vomit. Best not to use it when I’m around.

Favourite response – “Take that thing and shove it where the sun don’t shine” (or improvise on the basic theme)

6      Cannot

I accept there are some things that are just impossible and if this word was reserved only for those, I’d have no problem. Mainly it’s used as a reason for not wanting to do something because there’s a better option – as such it is often a blatant lie.

If I ask you out on a date and you reply “I can’t!” You CAN, but you don’t want to. Fine, but just be honest!

Another use is in the mouth of someone playing the victim -  “I can’t do it!” (said with an appropriate whine) – which is just as bad!

Favourite response – “Do you mean you are not capable or that you don’t want to?”

7     Sorry

I’m all for admitting my mistakes, learning from them and expressing this from my heart. ‘Sorry’ can be a useful shorthand but often it’s said with a negative, ‘poor me’ energy that’s more like self abuse than genuine regret.

Favourite response – “Don’t dump your sorrow on me. I want to know what you learned”

8      Hate

I find this such a strong word of violence I get nervous whenever I hear it.

Favourite response – Run away as fast as I can.

You may think some of the suggested responses are rather immature and not in keeping with the theme of nonviolence. All I can say is – I completely agree!

Which words get under your skin? How do you respond?

7 steps to transform our labels

Dec 7th, 2008
by ianpeatey.
9 comments

The labels we attach to ourselves and to others have a nasty habit of getting in the way of seeing the human being lurking underneath. The purpose of labelling is to create some order or structure and help us identify things quickly and easily.

This doesn’t work too well with people.

Trying to create something static and fixed out of a creature who, by nature, is complex and ever changing is fruitless. Unless we are clear what lies beneath the label. Try this exercise to have a deeper look at how this labelling may be influencing your life. It’s designed to look at labels you (or others) attach to yourself although you could easily adapt it to look at labels you attach to other people.

The exercise takes about 10 minutes and you can do it as many times as you want with different labels. As you follow each step notice and listen to whatever reactions come up for you.

1  Create a list of labels

List all the labels attached to you. They can be words you use yourself or ones that others put on you. They usually start with “I am a ….”. Try to exclude judgements (beautiful, sexy, bad, lazy etc.) as they’re a bit more difficult to work with (I’ll maybe cover them in a future post).

[for example ... I am English, a father, son, man, trainer, scorpio, brother, friend ... etc.]

2   Choose the ones to examine deeper

As you look at the list notice any that trigger a reaction in you (maybe a contraction or heaviness? or perhaps a smile or lightness?). Negative reactions indicate that this area is holding you back in some way – a burden you carry around. Positive reactions indicate a source of joy and meaning for you – a resource that nurtures you.

Choose one label to work with further – I suggest the label that feels heaviest. You can always come back and look at the others later.

[for example ... I choose to work with 'Son' which I notice is like a weight on my shoulders.]

3   Describe what’s behind the label

Write a description that sits behind the label – probably one sentence that turns the generalisation into something very specific. The purpose of this step is to take a little ‘heat’ out of the label.

[for example ... I was given life and raised by Mum and Dad and they live in England.]

4   Expectations

Write down the expectations represented by that label – either those you place on yourself or those you hear from other people. Expectations might start with ‘ A xxxx should …. ‘.

[for example ... A son should visit his parents every week, talk to them every day, take care of them when they get sick and old, love and respect them whatever they say or do, listen to their advice and obey them all the time.]

5   What you really do

Write down a description of what you actually do in relation to the expectations in step 4. It’s important to be factual and not judgemental.

[for example ... since the start of the year I spent 8 days with my parents, spoke on the phone twice a month, visited Dad three times when he was in hospital, feel warmth and love for both of them most of the time, listen to their advice and make my own decisions ...]

6   How you react and what it tells you

Notice if any of the specific statements in step 5 trigger any feelings or reactions. What do those reactions tell you about your deeper needs or values?

[for example ... I feel sad reading 'spoke on the phone twice a month'. Need and value contact, love, sharing.]

7   Action

Do you choose now to do anything differently? Has anything changed for you?

[for example ... I feel softer and more freedom in relation to my parents. I would like to have more contact with them. I intend to speak with them on the phone every week.]

I’d enjoy hearing any experiences from anyone trying out this exercise? Was it helpful? Did it give any insights?

Borrowing a bicycle

Oct 31st, 2008
by ianpeatey.
No comments yet

My previous article on making up stories reminded me of a joke on the same theme.

“Jan needs to get to the neighbouring town for an urgent matter so he decides to borrow Stefan’s bicycle. He sets off across the village and starts thinking about how he’s going to ask his neighbour, Stefan, about the bicycle.

‘That Stefan!’, he thinks. ‘He’s a grumpy old one. Always bad tempered, snapping and growling at every one. I hope he’s in a good mood this afternoon’.

He remembers the last time they met.

‘He’s so mean’ he mutters under his breath. ‘Last time we were in the bar together he didn’t buy a single drink. Not only is he mean, he’s selfish and only ever thinks of himself. He’s going to kick up a real fuss over this bicycle of his. I’ll have to approach this situation with great delicacy.’

He gets to Stefans’ yard. The paint is coming off the fence and rubbish is scattered across the yard.

‘Look at this place!’ he thinks. ‘What a disgusting mess. That Stefan doesn’t care about anything. He’s lazy and good for nothing. I bet his bicycle is rusting, falling apart and dangerous.’

Stefan opens the door and Jan pokes his finger into Stefan’s chest and shouts,

“You and your bicycle can GO TO HELL!’”

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