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Posts Tagged ‘judgement’

Stupid people, stupid things

Aug 10th, 2009
by ianpeatey.
12 comments

Yesterday I took a walk in the park with Elena (my 6 year old) to get some air and feed the animals. On a Sunday the park is full of people out for a stroll and the squirrels, in particular, are so tame they come and take nuts from your hand – always a delight for children and adults alike.

Elena was busy trying to attract the squirrels’ attention by chasing them through the trees as fast as possible with a walnut clenched  in her palm. It takes an especially tame squirrel to respond positively to this particular tactic! Especially as the park is full of other children doing exactly the same thing.

Two uniformed men on bicycles (presumably park wardens) stopped and told us to get back on the path as it was forbidden to walk on the grass. I stopped myself from arguing that the mud and dried leaves under the trees hardly constituted ‘grass’ and complied with their request. At least until they disappeared from sight.

I explained to Elena what the men had said and she shook her head and said,

“Those men are stupid.”

Now I’d like her to learn to accept all people without judgement so I replied that I didn’t think the men were stupid but rather they were doing a stupid job. I’m rarely at a loss for words but I had no reply when she then asked,

“Well, who told them to do this stupid job?”

We all do stupid things

I stand by my comment that these men are not stupid. What they were trying to do was pointless and futile and could easily fall into the category of  ’stupid things’ but that doesn’t turn them into ’stupid people’.

Anyone care to admit that they’ve never done anything stupid? Probably nothing as stupid as trying to stop young kids feed squirrels in the park – but stupid things nonetheless.

We all do things we probably wouldn’t have done if we had greater awareness at the time, or had actually thought about what we were doing. Sometimes we repeat these things over and over and occasionally we turn them into bad habits. Sometimes we even pay people to do them and provide uniforms to attempt to give credibility.

Personally I regard part of life’s journey to be about continually expanding my level of consciousness and getting progressively less stupid as I get older. Labelling myself or anyone as ’stupid’ isn’t very helpful. It tends to take my attention away from the stupid things I do and focusses more on identification with them.

Fine line between intelligent and stupid

In this example I do see the intelligence in maintaining public places in a way that everyone can enjoy them. I’m also delighted to learn that some people have a job that involves doing just this, and they are so motivated by their work that they even do it on a beautiful summer’s Sunday.

In my opinion these wardens crossed the line when they attempted to preserve the park over and above the enjoyment of it.

I appreciate it’s often a fine line to walk and I certainly don’t always walk it well myself. Often I do things for the enjoyment now and don’t pay enough attention to what’s going to come next. Like eating too much and feeling sick later. Or not paying my taxes on time and then being hit with a hefty fine.

Or on the other side, worrying too much about the future and not enjoying the moment here and now. Like buying some expensive clothes and never wearing them for fear of damage.

I’d like to see every stupid action I take as a chance to learn something. That means looking at the positive intention behind my actions (it’s always there) and then finding alternative ways to act that are more intelligent or wise.

I would like to bet that these two wardens end every Sunday feeling depressed because they failed, yet again, to keep the kids on the paths and so preserve the pristine condition of the mud under the trees. I doubt they learned much.

I’m also wondering how often I do something similar and act like King Canute.

Who tells us to do stupid things?

I find this a very intelligent question.

If I think back to all the stupid things I’ve done in my life I can usually find someone to blame:

  • Parents – it’s what they taught me
  • Writers of the rulebooks – it’s the law
  • Boss – it was an order
  • Society – everyone else does it
  • Gurus – they are the wisest of the wise so they must know what’s best
  • Politicians – I voted for them (or if I didn’t, then democracy is what holds us all together)
  • People in uniform – if they wear a uniform they must be an authority
  • Etc..

The only problem is that they’re not usually around when I do these stupid things. And even if they were I need to take responsibility for my own actions.Other people can guide me, advise me or support me but I’m always responsible for my actions.  And for the consequences.

Blaming someone else just doubles the stupidity of the stupid action.

Footnote

This is my 100th article and Quantum Learning celebrated it’s first birthday a few days ago.

I want to give a heartfelt thank you to everyone who has supported, encouraged and criticised me. You make keeping this site alive an intelligent decision of mine.

But I’m not violent …

May 13th, 2009
by ianpeatey.
13 comments

You may have noticed the theme of this site is nonviolence as a lifestyle and maybe you’re wondering if it’s relevant to you. I’m guessing this because when I mention my work in the area of nonviolence I often get the reaction:

‘That’s great! But I’m not violent’

I fully understand, because I thought that until a few years ago.

I was brought up in a family of tolerance, calmness and peace. I never got in fights, didn’t hit anyone, shout at or insult people. If anyone had told me I might consider adopting nonviolence as a lifestyle, then I certainly would have given the same reply.

‘But I’m not violent.’

My personal revelation

I had a personal revelation (or perhaps it was a revolution) in 2001 when I attended, what I expected to be, a business related conference focused on the learning organisation (Peter Senge’s ‘The Fifth Discipline‘ was flavour of the month at the time).

Indeed there were many interesting things at this large conference and I got my first taste of NLP, meditation, accelerated learning and other wonderful approaches to self development.

Scattered between the array of smaller workshops were keynote presentations by apparently famous people I’d never heard of before and I found myself in Marshall Rosenberg’s slot. He was giving a brief introduction of Nonviolent Communiation (NVC) and, frankly, if I’d noticed the title I would have given it a miss. I wasn’t violent so how could it be relevant to me?

Those 2 hours were like a cold shower – very uncomfortable but left me  refreshed and tingly afterwards.

Another analogy that comes to mind is that I was invited to lift the carpet on my spotlessly clean home, only to discover layers of dust underneath.

I realised, violence was engrained in my way of thinking, my behaviour and my appoach to life and other people. It was very subtle and easily missed under the covering of ‘nice person’, but was unmistakeably and undeniably there.

Looking back, it was the subtlety that scared me the most because subtle things often go unnoticed.

After I’d seen it in myself it became clear I was both a giver and receiver. It was also in everyone I knew – with no exceptions. Not only that, I saw the hidden strains of violence deeply embedded in the society I grew up in and still live in.

How am I violent?

If you’ve read this far then probably around this point you’re wondering what on Earth I’m talking about.

My personal definition of ‘violence’ is quite broad. It’s an intention and action to inflict either physical or emotional suffering. I know the definition is imperfect so please don’t get hooked on that. The point is, I’d always thought of violence mainly on the physical plane and not really considered it on the emotional level.

If you’re like me and think you are not violent then consider a few of these examples where I either gave or received violence:

  • believing I’m the cause of other’s feelings (= me feeling guilty)
  • using this belief to get others to do what I want (= others feeling guilty)
  • doing things I thought I ‘have to’ because of concept of duty (= giving away my freedom and feeling trapped)
  • using ’should’ to get others to do what I want (= trying to take away freedom of others)
  • judgements to categorise people (= fear of being judged)
  • believing I’m right and getting attached to ‘my way, or no way’ (= both me and others triggered into fight or surrender mode)
  • putting aside my own needs to please others (= ignoring my own needs)

There are plenty of other examples I could name.

Each one creates suffering of some kind in me or in others. The suffering may be a tiny drop compared to the vast ocean of violence the human race is swimming in, but without the tiny drops, the ocean doesn’t exist.

Search for alternative ways of living

Having seen how I contributed to violence on the planet I determined to do something about it and find a different way to live.

There are plenty of alternatives available if you just search a little.

You won’t find them in the mainstream media and you’re unlikely to find them taught at school. Our society is still based on a paradigm of violence (both obvious and subtle) and change at that level is usually slow.

You will find them if you look, though.

You’ll find some of them here and you’ll find more if you check out the sites on my links page. You’ll find them in many organisations around you, locally, nationally and globally.

Most of all you’ll find them in yourself.

We all have peace and nonviolence in our hearts if we care to look for it. And that’s the best place to start.

Stop making me angry!

Mar 5th, 2009
by ianpeatey.
9 comments

When I feel really angry I have an impression my body is too small to hold it and I might burst. I don’t enjoy the sensation but I can’t deny it’s a very real and powerful experience. Anger can so easily lead to violence if, instead of using it effectively, I allow it to use me.

Learning how to harness my anger is a skill I’m learning and, I believe, important for a nonviolent lifestyle.

We all develop our own ways to manage the adrenalin and stirred up passion that comes as part of the anger package. I was raised to believe that ‘nice people don’t get angry’ so my approach, for many years, was to suppress it whenever anger reared its head.  The problem, of course, is that we all feel anger sometimes and internalising it turns the violence in on myself and stores up all manner of health and psychological problems.

Another  approach is to give full and violent expression to my anger. Losing my temper in this way has happened to me (that’s how it feels anyway!) a few times in my life  and many people say they feel just great after this. Well, a build-up of pressure feels uncomfortable and release feels good, like having a full bladder! My problem is this kind of carthartic explosion tends to damage those around me and I feel terrible about it afterwards.

How can I use anger peacefully and effectively?

Step 1    Stop! and read the signs

“Seeing red with anger”

  • Pause
  • Acknowledge anger as a friend
  • Own my anger

Being emotionally intelligent includes being skilled at recognising and accurately reading emotional signs and not allowing them to blind me. Usually a deep breath or two gives me the pause I need to welcome anger.

Anger, as all emotions, is a friend and a signal that something’s up and requires attention. Usually anger warns me an external event is not in harmony with my values and it gives me an energy boost to allow action. Chances are I have a few seconds, maybe longer, to decide what to do about the situation.

A common misreading of the signal is to believe someone is at fault and is making me angry. No-one makes me angry. No-one has the power to force any emotional state or sensation onto me. It is as much about my own values as it is about the actions or inactions of someone else.

2   Open up my brain

“Blinded by anger”

  • Examine my thinking

When I’m angry my thinking is chaotic, cloudy and exaggerated. Have you ever felt furious on reading an unpleasant  mail only to come back to it the next day and wonder why you were so riled up?

When I stop for a few seconds and have a quick review of the words jumbling around in my head, I find many such as ‘Should not’, “Can’t”, “Wrong”, “Bad” all directed at the object of my anger. My own judgemental thoughts are fuelling, maybe even triggering, my fury and pointing it at a person or even an inanimate object. The actions of others are not always innocent or well intentioned, but my anger tends to add that particular veneer, even when it’s not there. The less I see the human being in the other, the more likely I react violently.

I’m not trying to change my thinking, just straighten out the confused mess. By observing my thoughts for a moment, they stop controlling me and I take back control. In doing so, I notice the intensity of the anger softening a little and I create more space for peaceful action.

3   Identify what’s REALLY going on

“How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it.” Marcus Aurelius

  • What are the external, unfiltered facts?
  • Which values of mine are crying out?
  • What possibilities do I have for immediate action?

Before responding to my anger’s call for action I find it sensible to make sure I know what’s really going on – externally and internally.

I find the following questions helpful:

a)  What would a video camera record if it was filming the situation I’m immersed in?

b)  How would an observer, with no interest in the matter, describe what’s going on?

c)  What values or deep principles of mine are being violated – expressed in single words or short phrases (security? peace? respect? understanding? freedom? etc.)?

d)  What values or principles of the other person might be being violated?

e)  What do I want to happen (ideally at least 3 different options)?

As I ask myself these questions I often find the anger transforms into something else such as fear, disappointment, frustration or confusion. These are less intense and easier to harness but I can still keep the passion.

4   Communicate my intentions peacefully!

“Speak when you are angry–and you will make the best speech you’ll ever regret.” Laurence J. Peter

  • Check my intention
  • Choose my action carefully
  • Communicate what I want to happen or protect myself (or others)

Nothing requires me to say or do anything, although the energy of anger can be pretty irresistible. First I check that my intention is peaceful. If there is any desire to hurt the other, I go back to the previous steps until the desire has gone and give it the time it needs.

Once I’m clear about my peaceful intention I then decide whether to protect (using force or escape) and what to say.

I want to choose my words carefully to avoid judgement, criticism or any form of attack (I’ll probably get the same back) and clearly request what I want to happen. A request NOT to do something leaves room for interpretation about what I do want, so I avoid that. Also a wish for the future lacks immediacy, so I put the request in the present moment.

My anger gives my message a kick so that it’s much more likely I’m going to be taken seriously.

5    Developing the new habit

  • Reflect regularly

At the risk of stating the blindingly obvious, a change requires doing something differently.My response to anger comes from a habit that’s developed through my whole life and I’ve not yet found a way to change overnight. An ingrained habit such as my anger strategy probably requires a bit of patient poking – like trying to remove a deeply embedded splinter.

If you choose to follow some or all of the steps above I advise patience!

As a first step you might use the approach to analyse and pull apart a recent situation where you felt angry. Make a commitment that every time you feel angry, over the next two weeks, you’ll pick that apart too – once you’ve calmed down. The more frequently you look the easier you’ll find it t0o see.

After a few situations you’ll notice the cool off period gets shorter until eventually you don’t need a cool off period at all. You’ll find you are catching the anger early and dealing with it as it arises. With practice you’ve befriended your anger and it’s stopped controlling you.

Now you are in control of it and have a powerful tool in your hands.

Have you ever been lazy?

Feb 16th, 2009
by ianpeatey.
7 comments

I just took a break from reading and writing for a few minutes, made myself a cup of tea, put my feet up, played with the dogs. Those rare few moments of silence were broken by the especially unhelpful voice of my inner critic. A familiar voice to many of us, I suppose?

‘You are so lazy!’

From those four words there are several possible paths to take. I could write about the challenge of ‘being’ versus ‘doing’. Or I could explore why the inner critic always seems to address me in the second person. I’ll leave exploring those for a later day when I’ve got more energy for a longer article. When I’m not feeling so lazy.

Instead I’d like to share a wonderfully simple and effective method for taking the sting out of any judgement, whether from my inner critic or from the mouth of a fellow human being.

Try this.

Add the word ‘sometimes‘.

See how easy it is?

My inner critic now says ‘You are sometimes so lazy’. Now the statement is pefectly true as I am lazy sometimes, and sometimes I’m not!

Try it with criticism you hear from someone else.

“Ian, you are really selfish and inconsiderate”

Well, yes! Sometimes I am …. and sometimes I’m generous and sensitive to others.

“Ian, you write short, throw-away posts”

Sometimes I do.