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Posts Tagged ‘Empathy’

A World Where Conflicts Are Solved Peacefully

Oct 20th, 2009
by ianpeatey.
16 comments

Something suddenly became crystal clear to me yesterday. What had been fuzzy and out-of-focus, in a flash became sharp and well defined. It wasn’t of Newtonian ‘apple-falling-from-tree-equals-gravity ‘ proportions – yet important for me nonetheless.

605543_stone_sculpture

Dreaming Of World Peace

I’d just returned from an International NVC Mediation Conference and was chatting to a friend over a coffee, sharing our impressions of the Conference. I get quite animated when talking about my dream for the future of the world – the one I state as clearly as I can in the Welcome message over there on the right:

“… a world where conflicts are solved peacefully …”

Despite my passion for this vision, I found myself apologising for it as naïve, idealistic and impossible to achieve. I could even say I was whining a bit!

Why was I apologising, I asked myself? Do I really have my head in the clouds, I wondered? It was more confusing as I’d just spent the last 5 days together with 60 people from all over the world, learning how to mediate between two conflicting sides.

Then the apple fell.

I, like the majority of people, haven’t believed that universal peace is possible:

“World Peace? Wonderful idea .. but no chance of happening! At least not in my lifetime”

But why not?

Are we doomed to a future of turmoil, hurting and killing each other? Are we really unable, as a species, to rise above that and choose love and peace instead of hatred and fighting?

Believing In The Possible

If I don’t believe something is possible then how can I expect it to happen? If I’m trying to achieve a goal without the conviction that it can happen, my energy is getting diverted. It’s half-hearted.

This last week I found the belief I was missing. I started to believe that not only is peace possible, it’s actually not that difficult!

I learned a few skills and a simple process designed to help solve conflicts peacefully. They’re not hard to learn and we all have the foundations already – for example, empathy, interrupting, asking questions, making requests, keeping track of a conversation. There’s a little more to it than that – but not much.

I became clear that anyone can learn how to solve conflict peacefully.

World peace is possible.

All it needs is enough people to learn and apply these skills. We’ll have world peace when most of us learn a little – just enough to solve day to day conflicts, and a few learn deeper to deal with the more intense conflicts.

Peace In My Lifetime

Conflict is not going away – it is an important part of life. It’s stimulating and in the tension where interests meet there’s a creative possibility greater than what the individual sides bring. Conflict – inner or outer – drives us to innovate, create and is part of being alive. I love conflict!

Peace is not the absence of conflict but the resolution of conflict with love and respect.

919567_innerpeace_1I strongly believe the majority of the world’s population want this – they just don’t believe it’s possible. Many people get a superficial kick from violent conflict – but deep in their hearts are wishing to get their kicks in ways that are peaceful.

We all want peace in our lives but we don’t yet believe it’s possible. We’ve built a world where we are constantly receiving messages designed to keep hope away and keep us believing in violence.

  • War has been glamorised to get us to support killing in the name of the nation, religion or other cause
  • Violence has been pushed down our throats as entertainment by the mass media
  • Our culture values aggression as a sign of strength.

We’ve lost our collective hope that it can be different.

Yesterday I had also lost hope.

Today I write boldly and clearly:

Help me build a world where conflicts are solved peacefully – it is not only possible, it’s easy.

Don’t Just Do Something! Sit There!

Sep 30th, 2009
by ianpeatey.
21 comments

What to do when someone comes to me with a problem? It’s not always desirable to mind my own business especially when someone asks me to get involved or I am involved by nature of the relationship itself.

loneliness

We’ve all experienced a family member, friend or colleague start talking about a difficult situation they face. Sometimes it comes out as unfocused complaining and other times they are clear they need help. Everyone has challenges from time to time, some more than others, and it’s quite natural to reach out to those closest to us for help.

‘My husband’s cheating on me! / My job sucks and my boss is an a**hole! / I’m feeling down and don’t know why! / My kids won’t listen to me! / Should I buy the blue shirt or the brown one?’

Big challenges and small and clearly each situation is different and demands a different response. I’ve found, however, in the vast majority of cases the best response is to resist my immediate urge to fix the problem (unless, of course, the situation is an emergency that requires urgent action!).

I’m more likely to help by first responding with empathy and my full attention to the person.

Don’t just do something!

Sit there!

The power of empathy

By ’sit there’ I don’t mean shutting down, ignoring or turning my back on the problem. I mean responding with empathy. It requires presence, concentration and the capacity to be with someone without judging. It requires listening to more than just the words being expressed but to the meaning of them – not to me, but to the person I’m with.

Empathy, by my definition, is when I’m with your reaction to your problem. Sympathy, which I’ll mention later, is when I’m with my reaction to your problem.

Why is empathy so powerful?

On an intellectual level I don’t know. What I do know is that I’ve experienced its power time and time again. When something troubles me, and I receive the gift of full, non judgemental attention of another human being I have space and safety to look inside myself. When I allow myself to be held by that attention I can connect much deeper to what’s going on inside and find my own way out of the darkness. My experience is validated through the acceptance of it by someone else and once it’s validated I no longer think there’s something wrong with me and I can start to free the baggage that’s getting in the way of a solution.

An example might help.

A few weeks ago I was struggling with some questions about what I wanted to do next in life. I was feeling confused and overwhelmed thinking about all the possibilities and somewhat panicked about being half way through my life (I’m an optimistic 45 year old!). I started talking to Mona about it. And she sat and listened. From time to time she suggested some names for the feelings or the needs I was trying to grasp, and nothing else. No advice. No sympathy. Just her full, empathic attention.

In the space of her attention I found the core of what I was looking for, things started to fall into place and I produced my own ideas about what to do next. She didn’t jump into solutions. She didn’t try to make me feel better. She just sat, listened and checked in with me occasionally.

And I’ve experienced this so many times – both receiving and giving empathy – that I no longer need a rational explanation. I trust it’s power.

Breaking some habits

Empathy comes quite naturally to some people.

If you’re anything like me, though, you will have developed some problem-fixing habits that interfere with being with someone empathically. When I used to be faced with someone with a problem, I noticed a number of automatic responses, depending on the situation, that were all about trying to fix the problem quickly.

1   ‘If I were you …’

It’s obvious I know but I tend to forget that I’m not you. Often I give advice based on what I would do if I was faced with something similar. But it is you who has the problem, you who has to take the action and you who will have to live with the consequences. You. Not me. I don’t know what’s best for you.

Empathy keeps my attention on you not on me.

2   ‘What you should do is …’

This is the habit of jumping to an answer before I understand your situation fully. Every situation has a rational side to it – who did what to whom and when. What happened, what could happen, and a whole set of possibilities or probabilities. If I’m patient and mindful, I’ll probably ask some intelligent questions to help me get a better picture.

There’s another aspect to each situation we rarely delve into, and that’s the emotional side and spiritual side – how you experience this situation and what it means to you.

You can never fully face whatever the problem is until those two are taken account of. They are an integral part of the whole and by jumping into the rational solution too quickly I don’t honour your experience and what it means.

Empathy gives me the tool to do this.

3   ‘Don’t worry be happy …’

Don't_worry,_be_happyThis is another form of advice but rather more general and superficial. Another version of this habit is to remind you ‘this too will pass’.  This is certainly true, but we are having this conversation here and now, not in the future. You already know it will pass and being reminded of it might be comforting but more likely gives the message that your current pain is not important. With this form of advice I’m not honouring your experience but trying to minimise your pain. Your pain is real and it’s part of your current reality.

Empathy stays with your current experience and the quality of that presence allows the pain to disappear faster.

4   ‘Poor you … ‘

This is a form of sympathy, not empathy. It’s a judgement where I agree that you are in a bad position. While my intention might be to support you by validating your reaction, this habit has the risk of keeping the pain alive. I’m agreeing with you being a victim and probably comes from my feelings – outraged, horrified or upset – when I hear your story. This is my stuff not yours.

Empathy keeps my stuff to one side so I can be with your feelings without any judgement.

5   ‘I know just how you feel … ‘

I don’t know how you feel! Even if I’ve faced something similar, it was not the same and my reactions were not the same for the simple reason that I’m not you. My intention may be to comfort you by telling you you’re not the first one to have this problem. Again this minimises your experience, but more critically I’m using your problem as an opportunity to talk about myself. I’ve neatly turned the attention away from you.

Empathy keeps my focus on you and you alone.

Finally …

I’m not saying don’t give advice or sympathy … just be very, very cautious when doing so.

After all, if someone does take your advice and it all goes horribly wrong … who are they going to blame?

Falling In Love Does Not Make You Telepathic

May 6th, 2009
by ianpeatey.
13 comments

I’m not telepathic, I never have been and I doubt I ever will. I’m not ruling out the possibility entirely, as evolution (or the Creator, if you prefer that explanation) has worked wonders so far … but I’m not going to bet any money on it.

There are times though, when I tend to treat people as if they do have the power to read my mind, especially in my intimate relationships.

I have noticed that sometimes I hope and wait for, in this case my wife, to  notice I want something. It could be as simple as a hug, a small attention or maybe just a smile and a kind word.

I expect her to know what I want and if she doesn’t, then I have a few choice punishments up my sleeve such as the ‘frosty-silent’ treatment or the ‘hurt-Ian’ tone of voice.

She probably thinks I’m just in one of my bad moods and fails to realise (again!) that I’m expecting her to use her finely developed skill of telepathy to read my mind.

Love = Telepathy

The reality is I’m equating love with telepathic skills. The unspoken message is:

“I shouldn’t have to tell you. If you really loved me, you would KNOW I want a hug right now !!”

She’s my wife, after all. Didn’t she get some brainwave make-over the moment she said, “I do” enabling her to read my every wish?

No?

What was the point in getting married, then?

Of course, it’s quite ridiculous, but how many arguments, fights or violence start from this misguided premise?

Empathy is not telepathy

In some stages of a relationship it seems we’re so much in tune we can almost read each other’s minds.

I think it’s possible to build this quality into a relationship, if we allow it and pursue it. It means to become so connected, so open to another human being that we are able to read each other. It’s not telepathy but a quality of mutual empathy and understanding that joins us beyond the superficial.

Certainly I’ve experienced this very intensely in the early stages of a relationship when I’m so open, so trusting that I can reveal anything. I can express my deepest, darkest thoughts and experiences without fear.

It almost seems like telepathy.

But it’s not.

And yet somehow we still hope.

Getting used to each other

I’ve noticed a tendency in myself (and others) to believe that when I’ve known someone for a long time, that I know all about them. When I get used to someone there’s a risk I start making assumptions about them and develop habits and patterns. I stop experiencing them as a constantly flowing, ever changing creature.

I was recently working with a group of couples and one exercise I did was to get them to sit in front of their partner and look at each other for about 15 minutes while I guided their attention in a similar way as I described in ‘Do we REALLY see people‘.

One couple had been married for many years and for them it was an important exercise.

They had simply stopped seeing each other.

They were so used to each other, had known each other for so long they just didn’t notice the depth in the other any longer. That depth was still there and all it took to find it was a few minutes of looking for it.

Telepathy would probably ruin relationships!

While I think that real telepathy might solve some problems, I suspect it would make things worse most of the time.

Can you imagine if other people, especially those close to you, were able to read your every thought?

When thoughts are in my own head I can at least exercise a certain amount of discretion. I can choose which to believe, choose the ones to turn into words – and choose the words I use. Most of what comes out of my mouth has undergone extensive editing and self censorship from the original thought.

Trust me, it’s necessary!

For example, I just got up to prepare some food and my wife moved from the floor where she’d been working, and took my place on the comfortable sofa. Yes, the floor was her choice and no, I do not force her to sit there.

Where was I?

Oh yes, I poked my head around the corner and saw her spread across the sofa (in MY place!) and her papers spread across the remainder leaving no space for me!

This is not a big deal, but the thought that flashed through my head?

“That’s it. I’ve had enough of this relationship. I’m leaving.”

As long as that thought stays in my head I can see how crazy it is, laugh at it and peacefully press ‘delete’. There it goes to my internal waste basket and joins all the other crazy flashes of so-called ‘thought’ that pass through my brain.

Now, just imagine Mona was able to read all my thoughts. Without the same filters and censorship I have for my own thoughts, I could have a disaster on my hands.

On reflection I’m feeling extremely grateful that we have a regular, non-telepathic relationship.

I just need to learn to ask when I want a hug.

Conflict Is Not The Problem

Feb 10th, 2009
by ianpeatey.
15 comments

Conflict gets a lot of press, most of it bad, and I’ve often wondered why that is.

It seems to me that conflict is a natural consequence of the wonderful array of difference between us. Imagine a world without difference – horrible! More than that, I believe conflict is a huge source of creativity and energy for constructive action. Where there’s difference, conflict is never far away and I’d prefer to embrace that than avoid it.

Conflict isn’t the problem. How we react and deal with conflict is.

The ‘traditional’ approach to conflict is two sided – ‘my way’ and ‘your way’. In fact, there’s a third side – the solution, the ‘way forward’ or ‘our way’. Conflicts can only be solved creatively and peacefully if we can put our energies into finding that third way.

It’s not easy, not because it’s hard, but because our conditioning and our egos get in the way.

What I learned as a kid

The main conclusion I formed as a kid about how to deal with conflict was that it required the skillful or intelligent use of force: either physical or psychological. Films, TV shows and comic books were my staple entertainment diet, feeding me a picture of conflict as a confrontation between opposing sides (usually one ‘good’ and one ‘bad’). The two combatants dealt with their differences by battling it out – with words, fists, guns or armies – until one side emerged victorious. Winning was for heroes, losing for suckers!

At school (and at home too!) I learned how to argue a position, debate a motion or prove a hypothesis. None of these are particularly creative in that they tend to be about rehashing existing knowledge rather than creating anything new. Not always, of course, but how often in your own academic life did you create something completely new?

It’s not my intention to blame the media or education system, just to point out the popular image of conflict resolution. We’re just not taught constructive ways.

But they do exist and, I believe involve three key steps:

Step 1 Give up attachment to ‘my way’

This part is 100% in my control and, theoretically at least, the easiest.

Some people interpret this as giving in, which is not what I mean. Giving in, or avoiding conflict (for example, to maintain harmony), is a perfectly valid option though not without significant risks. It could be the start of a slippery path for later abuse of my goodwill and perceived weakness. I certainly don’t recommend doing this regularly in any close or important relationship – unless you want to be a doormat.

What I mean is letting go of my attachment to my position. Accepting that I only have part of the picture and that any solution (if that’s what we’re aiming at) might be different from what I have in mind.

I prefer to get clear for myself what’s at stake for me. What’s really important to me in this situation?

Security? Respect? Love? Understanding? Freedom? Creating something new?

Some people call these my interests, others my needs or values. By getting clear about these, I’m more likely to open to the possibility that ‘my way’ is not the ‘only way’ and, indeed, might not even be the ‘best way’.

It helps to do this if I can loosen the grip of my ego.

Step 2 Persuade you to give up attachment to ‘your way’

This can be the hard part and where things can get a bit sticky and messy, unless I’m really skilled and have earned a lot of trust from you. I’m trying to get you to do what I’ve done for myself in the first step.

Some things that may help (none of these are guaranteed!):

  • empathy … you’re more likely to loosen your attachment if you sense that I’m genuinely interested in, and understand, your needs and interests
  • assertiveness … if you believe that I’m not going to give up my core needs and interests you’re more likely to take me seriously
  • openness to discuss … if you hear that I’m willing and interested to explore a way forward that embraces both our needs and interests you’re more likely to co-operate
  • patience … if you see that I’m willing to invest time in this and not rush either of us to a quick fix you’re more likely to invest as well
  • honesty … if you hear that I’m telling you the truth, even (or especially) when it’s unpleasant then you’re more likely to trust me.

There may well be times when I just can’t get you to give up your attachment to ‘your way or no way’. I believe in those situations my obligation is to protect my own interests and needs, whilst doing everything I can not to damage you. Walking away from the situation, forcefully defending myself or surrendering to you are all possible strategies.

Again, my ego will surely have something to say!

Step 3 Work on the solution together

This is the fun part.

We’ve built trust, we’ve got energy, we’ve got mutual understanding and we’ve got all the interests and needs on the table.

Now’s the time to create ‘our way’ and we’ve already got two great ideas to start us off – ‘my way’ and ‘your way’.

What would the world look like if everyone approached conflict this way?

Bridging the empathy gap

Dec 26th, 2008
by ianpeatey.
7 comments

UPDATE - 2 January 2009

‘Bridging the empathy gap’ has made it to the next round of voting as the most popular idea in the ‘Government Reform’ section and in the Top 10 most popular ideas overall. Next round of voting starts on 5th January to decide the 10 ideas that will be presented to the new President. I’m very grateful to everyone who supported the idea in the first round and ask that you continue with that support into the second round of voting. Ian

This post is a bit of a departure from normal as it’s a message mainly written by someone else.

It’s a request for your support in bringing a very specific, ‘peace-making’ proposal to the attention of President Elect Barack Obama. I’m excited about this, not only for the idea itself but because it’s done in way where my single vote has a measurable impact on the chances of its success (my own vote moved the counter from 156 to 157 votes casts).

The idea has been developed by some of my friends and colleagues at the Center For Nonviolent Communication and they’re hoping to get overwhelming support for this idea (as a minimum they need around 1,200 votes by 30 December 2008). Even though I’m not American I’m still affected by, and interested in, decisions of the Administration and this approach gives me a voice without interfering.

I invite you to have a look at the copy of the Email below and if you’re drawn to it, then follow the instructions for voting. You might also consider linking to this post, copying it, stealing it, Digging it, Stumbling it, or anything else you can think of that might give it wider attention.

If you’re not drawn to, you can still do the same, just you probably wouldn’t want to vote!

Here’s the message:

We are requesting support for a proposal to begin a movement to increase the empathic ability of those who serve in our government. Literally 4 minutes of your time with only 5 steps to bring an idea before the Obama team that could effect the kind of change we are all hoping to see!

President Elect Barack Obama said, “I will open the doors of government and ask you to be involved in your own democracy again.” Change.org has created a forum that will submit the top ten voted for proposals to the Obama team for review. Ideas for Change in America is a citizen-driven effort to identify and create momentum around the best ideas for how the Obama Administration and Congress can turn the broad call for “change” across the country into specific policies.

We have posted a proposal named “Bridging the Empathy Gap – Yes We Can” designed to make empathy central to government functioning, tying it to Obama’s repeated highlighting of empathy as a crucially needed quality. The proposal is appended at the end of this message for your review.

To make it to the 2nd round of voting on this site, we probably need to have at least 1,200 votes for this idea in the coming week. If you are moved to have this idea brought to the attention of the administration, please take the steps below as soon as possible. Ideas that get a lot of votes quickly are posted as “ideas on the rise” and have more of a chance of getting votes.

  1. Click on: http://www.change.org/ideas/view/bridging_the_empathy_gap_-_yes_we_can (or if the link doesn’t work go to http://www.change.org/ideas and search for this proposal or for “empathy”)
  2. Click on Vote! and a window will open to create an account asking for name, email and a password
  3. Fill in window to create your account
  4. Return to your email to complete registration by clicking on the link provided in the email from change.org
  5. Click on Vote again and you are complete! The “Vote” button will have changed from blue to red and the text will say “Voted”.” It will only let you vote once for each item.

Once you have an account you can invite friends and get them to vote as well.

Our hope/goal/intention is to create an overwhelming response to our proposal so it can get the attention it needs to be brought to fruition.

Thank you for giving your time in this way.

Catherine Cadden, Jori Manske, Kathleen McFerran, Miki Kashtan, Sylvia Haskvitz

HERE’S THE PROPOSAL

Bridging the Empathy Gap – Yes we can!

President-Elect Barack Obama has spoken repeatedly about empathy, which he defines as “the ability to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes; to see the world through those who are different from us.” In his words, “And that strikes me as the most important quality that we need in America right now and around the world right now.” Empathy is a value we can cultivate in our government now.

We propose to create an inter-departmental office of empathy (or a division within a Department of Peace if one is established) that can support the closing of the empathy deficit by employing strategies such as the following:

1. Implementing specific processes and methods for making empathy central to government operations both within government and in every sector of society to support meaningful use of our resources.

2. Identifying specific offices, agencies, and individuals within government that would benefit from intensive training in empathy skills.

3. Utilizing advanced empathic facilitation as a foundation for decision-making to support efficient and productive processes in all branches of goverment.

4. Assessing the impact of government policies and decisions on the overall purpose of bridging the empathy gap.

5. Creating public forums for dialogue to create empathic connection between people across differences – political, religious, ideological, racial, class, etc. The purpose of such forums would be bridging divides in our nation.

6. Creating and proposing curriculum based on Nonviolent Communication (www.cnvc.org) to all schools for teaching empathy skills.

7. Creating an Empathy Corps – volunteers trained in empathy skills to go into conflict zones domestically and internationally to support diffusion of conflict through empathic connection.

“Empathy is a quality of character that can change the world.”
- President-Elect Barack Obama

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