In life I make many mistakes and get a lot of stuff ‘wrong’ every day. I’ve lived many years with an idea that getting something ‘wrong’ deserves punishment – physical, emotional or psychological and I decided to change how I think about this concept of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ I grew up with.
I’m usually my own harshest critic and punish my ‘wrongdoing’ with guilt or embarrassment. Either that or I deny responsibility and point the finger somewhere else, trying to pass blame and shame off my own shoulders and onto someone else’s.
How did I learn this concept of ‘wrong’?
Here some examples:
- At school when I got something wrong in class I was punished with a low grade (or a couple of times publicly ridiculed)
- At home when I got something wrong I was slapped (not very hard, I admit), made to feel guilty or educated about my mistake
- In church (I went until the age of 14) I was taught that if I get it wrong big time (sin) then I’ll head for eternal damnation in the fiery pit
- When I broke the law then, depending on the seriousness of my ‘wrongdoing’, I got fined (a couple of speeding tickets) or imprisoned (not me – a distant second cousin). In some places they murder ‘wrongdoers’ and call it execution (I live in Europe, so I’m safe from this!)
- If I listen to the ‘wrong’ music (for example, Celine Dion*) or wear the ‘wrong’ clothes, then I’m punished by my peers by being laughed at (if I was famous, which I’m not, then I’d be a regular subject of sarcastic journalism in the fashion press!).
This way of thinking isn’t serving me. The reality is that I often get stuff ‘wrong’ and beating myself up (or being beaten up) is neither constructive nor healthy. I’m developing a way of thinking and acting where I can’t do anything ‘wrong’ because I don’t have this concept in my head.
I’m talking about the situations where I’m clear I messed up and not the times we just disagree (for example, I think 2+2=5 and you think something different). You know I screwed up, I know it, everyone and her dog knows it. Those situations where my actions have damaging consequences for other people.
For example, I run down the street, bump into you and knock you over. I lie to you, you find out and lose trust in me. I shut myself away and you worry about me because you haven’t heard from me.
My actions (or inactions) always have consequences for other people whether I like it or not. Getting it ‘wrong’ in my new definition means doing something that hurts you (or me) in some way while getting it ‘right’ means contributing to your life in a positive way. If this is the case, why would I ever do something ‘wrong’ in the first place?
There are three reasons I can think of:
1 I’m inherently evil and deserve whatever comes my way
Now I’m not a big fan of this explanation and I think this notion of ‘human-beings-are-all-sinners’ has done enough damage and it’s time we moved on as a species! I put it here because I could be wrong to leave it out and I have no idea what the consequences might be if I don’t include it.
But moving quickly on …
2 I don’t have all the information
Most of what I do is in the conviction that I’m ‘right’ – to the best of my current understanding. But I don’t know everything and I can’t predict the future with any accuracy so I’m often ignorant of the likely consequences of my actions. It turns out from time to time that there are consequences I didn’t know about or information I was missing. If I had known then I probably would have done something different.
As I’m running down the street, concentrating hard on getting to my meeting, I’m unaware of your presence. If I had been, then I’d have slowed down!
3 I didn’t know another way
It happens that I know exactly what the consequences will be but I just don’t know any other way of behaving at the time. If I’d seen an alternative course then I would have taken it.
I was feeling insecure and afraid of telling you the truth and to protect myself I lied. I knew you would find out and stop trusting me but in that moment I didn’t know any other way to feel safe. I would have told the truth if I’d known how to do so and feel secure at the same time.
This is not about making excuses or absolving myself of responsibility. In fact it’s the opposite. It’s about seeing clearly and taking responsibility for the consequences of my actions. I did something that damaged you and I’ve learned. Next time I’ll act differently. I’m not going to beat myself up about it by blaming or punishing myself and if I choose to apologise it will be out of genuine sadness at the results of my action and not motivated by ‘repentance’ thinking.
Isn’t this healthier and more real than going on the attack? Isn’t this a more gentle and loving way to learn from my mistakes?
