Conflict gets a lot of press, most of it bad, and I’ve often wondered why that is.
It seems to me that conflict is a natural consequence of the wonderful array of difference between us. Imagine a world without difference – horrible! More than that, I believe conflict is a huge source of creativity and energy for constructive action. Where there’s difference, conflict is never far away and I’d prefer to embrace that than avoid it.
Conflict isn’t the problem. How we react and deal with conflict is.
The ‘traditional’ approach to conflict is two sided – ‘my way’ and ‘your way’. In fact, there’s a third side – the solution, the ‘way forward’ or ‘our way’. Conflicts can only be solved creatively and peacefully if we can put our energies into finding that third way.
It’s not easy, not because it’s hard, but because our conditioning and our egos get in the way.
What I learned as a kid
The main conclusion I formed as a kid about how to deal with conflict was that it required the skillful or intelligent use of force: either physical or psychological. Films, TV shows and comic books were my staple entertainment diet, feeding me a picture of conflict as a confrontation between opposing sides (usually one ‘good’ and one ‘bad’). The two combatants dealt with their differences by battling it out – with words, fists, guns or armies – until one side emerged victorious. Winning was for heroes, losing for suckers!
At school (and at home too!) I learned how to argue a position, debate a motion or prove a hypothesis. None of these are particularly creative in that they tend to be about rehashing existing knowledge rather than creating anything new. Not always, of course, but how often in your own academic life did you create something completely new?
It’s not my intention to blame the media or education system, just to point out the popular image of conflict resolution. We’re just not taught constructive ways.
But they do exist and, I believe involve three key steps:
Step 1 Give up attachment to ‘my way’
This part is 100% in my control and, theoretically at least, the easiest.
Some people interpret this as giving in, which is not what I mean. Giving in, or avoiding conflict (for example, to maintain harmony), is a perfectly valid option though not without significant risks. It could be the start of a slippery path for later abuse of my goodwill and perceived weakness. I certainly don’t recommend doing this regularly in any close or important relationship – unless you want to be a doormat.
What I mean is letting go of my attachment to my position. Accepting that I only have part of the picture and that any solution (if that’s what we’re aiming at) might be different from what I have in mind.
I prefer to get clear for myself what’s at stake for me. What’s really important to me in this situation?
Security? Respect? Love? Understanding? Freedom? Creating something new?
Some people call these my interests, others my needs or values. By getting clear about these, I’m more likely to open to the possibility that ‘my way’ is not the ‘only way’ and, indeed, might not even be the ‘best way’.
It helps to do this if I can loosen the grip of my ego.
Step 2 Persuade you to give up attachment to ‘your way’
This can be the hard part and where things can get a bit sticky and messy, unless I’m really skilled and have earned a lot of trust from you. I’m trying to get you to do what I’ve done for myself in the first step.
Some things that may help (none of these are guaranteed!):
- empathy … you’re more likely to loosen your attachment if you sense that I’m genuinely interested in, and understand, your needs and interests
- assertiveness … if you believe that I’m not going to give up my core needs and interests you’re more likely to take me seriously
- openness to discuss … if you hear that I’m willing and interested to explore a way forward that embraces both our needs and interests you’re more likely to co-operate
- patience … if you see that I’m willing to invest time in this and not rush either of us to a quick fix you’re more likely to invest as well
- honesty … if you hear that I’m telling you the truth, even (or especially) when it’s unpleasant then you’re more likely to trust me.
There may well be times when I just can’t get you to give up your attachment to ‘your way or no way’. I believe in those situations my obligation is to protect my own interests and needs, whilst doing everything I can not to damage you. Walking away from the situation, forcefully defending myself or surrendering to you are all possible strategies.
Again, my ego will surely have something to say!
Step 3 Work on the solution together
This is the fun part.
We’ve built trust, we’ve got energy, we’ve got mutual understanding and we’ve got all the interests and needs on the table.
Now’s the time to create ‘our way’ and we’ve already got two great ideas to start us off – ‘my way’ and ‘your way’.
What would the world look like if everyone approached conflict this way?
