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Posts Tagged ‘Conflict’

When The Minority Is You

Nov 26th, 2009
by ianpeatey.
4 comments

be_different

What do you do

When democracy’s all through

What do you do

When minority means you?

‘What Do You Do‘ by The Proclaimers (from  ‘Sunshine on Leith‘ -1988)

I was listening to this song the other day. I don’t usually pay much attention to the lyrics, but something about the line ‘What do you do when minority means you?’ caused me to stop and think (yes, it happens from time to time!).

Minority of One

I am a minority of one.

No other human being has the same view of the world, interests or responsibility for my life as I do. Even if I found someone who was similar enough I doubt I would fully trust them to govern any major aspect of my life. That’s my responsibility and I don’t want to put aside some things that are important to me – such as my continued education, my health, the well-being of my family etc..

We are all minorities.

As being a minority can be a lonely experience, we tend to group together in many different ways. We’re each part of communities based around families, schools, churches, interests, work or where we live. Each of those communities is a minority as well.

The only point at which we stop being part of a minority, I suspect, is when the community is so large it encompasses each and every one of us – the community of all the human beings sharing this planet.

Majority Rule

I get the impression at the level of society that the mainstream has settled for our (principally US and European variants) vision of how to organise at society level. Of course it’s a hugely complex thing and living in Europe I’m much more familiar with Western forms of government that are often conveniently lumped together and called ‘Democracy‘.

One of the principles I’ve taken for granted through my whole life is that of ‘majority rule‘ – one of the seemingly unchallenged foundations of democracy. Whenever a group of people has to make a collective decision, in my experience it ends with someone saying ‘Let’s vote.’ Of course, the unspoken assumption is that the majority will get their way and the minority will immediately give up their disagreement and follow the decision.

I’ve been wondering if maybe the root of many conflicts and violence in the world are a direct result of this assumption. After all, whenever a majority forms, there is, by definition, a minority. Aren’t many of the wars in the world a direct result of separation into majority and minority? Minorities fighting to get heard? Majorities resorting to force to get submission of the minority?

Is ‘majority rule’ really the best way we can imagine of making collective decisions?

Learning and Growing

As an individual I’m changing and developing throughout my whole life.

Physically I may start to decline at some point, but how I see the world and operate in it gets better and better as I learn. When things don’t work I make adjustments and when they do, I capture what works and repeat it. Sometimes I go down a path that isn’t serving me and then I might make radical change, but usually the growth is more gradual.

I’ve found that this is not just an unconscious experience but one where I bring things to the surface, explore my experiences to learn from them, to consciously grow and seek improvements.

While the process and the journey are different for all of us, I believe we’re fundamentally built the same way – as learning machines.

I do this as an individual, but …

… Are We Learning As Communities?

Probably, but there are not many signs of it. Reading the media and watching the foreign policies of the powerful nations I would have to conclude that ‘democracy’ and ‘majority rule’ are perceived as the ultimate form of governance. So much so that there’s a desire to export them all over the world.

I don’t have any answers at the level of society – but I’m concerned by the lack of conscious questionning of our ’systems’ by those who hold power.

There are form of governance that don’t alientate minorities – for example ‘sociocracy‘. But there seems little appetite to introduce these kinds of government that include minorities rather than exclude them.

And it scares me.

After all – we are all minorities.

A World Where Conflicts Are Solved Peacefully

Oct 20th, 2009
by ianpeatey.
16 comments

Something suddenly became crystal clear to me yesterday. What had been fuzzy and out-of-focus, in a flash became sharp and well defined. It wasn’t of Newtonian ‘apple-falling-from-tree-equals-gravity ‘ proportions – yet important for me nonetheless.

605543_stone_sculpture

Dreaming Of World Peace

I’d just returned from an International NVC Mediation Conference and was chatting to a friend over a coffee, sharing our impressions of the Conference. I get quite animated when talking about my dream for the future of the world – the one I state as clearly as I can in the Welcome message over there on the right:

“… a world where conflicts are solved peacefully …”

Despite my passion for this vision, I found myself apologising for it as naïve, idealistic and impossible to achieve. I could even say I was whining a bit!

Why was I apologising, I asked myself? Do I really have my head in the clouds, I wondered? It was more confusing as I’d just spent the last 5 days together with 60 people from all over the world, learning how to mediate between two conflicting sides.

Then the apple fell.

I, like the majority of people, haven’t believed that universal peace is possible:

“World Peace? Wonderful idea .. but no chance of happening! At least not in my lifetime”

But why not?

Are we doomed to a future of turmoil, hurting and killing each other? Are we really unable, as a species, to rise above that and choose love and peace instead of hatred and fighting?

Believing In The Possible

If I don’t believe something is possible then how can I expect it to happen? If I’m trying to achieve a goal without the conviction that it can happen, my energy is getting diverted. It’s half-hearted.

This last week I found the belief I was missing. I started to believe that not only is peace possible, it’s actually not that difficult!

I learned a few skills and a simple process designed to help solve conflicts peacefully. They’re not hard to learn and we all have the foundations already – for example, empathy, interrupting, asking questions, making requests, keeping track of a conversation. There’s a little more to it than that – but not much.

I became clear that anyone can learn how to solve conflict peacefully.

World peace is possible.

All it needs is enough people to learn and apply these skills. We’ll have world peace when most of us learn a little – just enough to solve day to day conflicts, and a few learn deeper to deal with the more intense conflicts.

Peace In My Lifetime

Conflict is not going away – it is an important part of life. It’s stimulating and in the tension where interests meet there’s a creative possibility greater than what the individual sides bring. Conflict – inner or outer – drives us to innovate, create and is part of being alive. I love conflict!

Peace is not the absence of conflict but the resolution of conflict with love and respect.

919567_innerpeace_1I strongly believe the majority of the world’s population want this – they just don’t believe it’s possible. Many people get a superficial kick from violent conflict – but deep in their hearts are wishing to get their kicks in ways that are peaceful.

We all want peace in our lives but we don’t yet believe it’s possible. We’ve built a world where we are constantly receiving messages designed to keep hope away and keep us believing in violence.

  • War has been glamorised to get us to support killing in the name of the nation, religion or other cause
  • Violence has been pushed down our throats as entertainment by the mass media
  • Our culture values aggression as a sign of strength.

We’ve lost our collective hope that it can be different.

Yesterday I had also lost hope.

Today I write boldly and clearly:

Help me build a world where conflicts are solved peacefully – it is not only possible, it’s easy.

How we die

Sep 2nd, 2009
by ianpeatey.
6 comments

It’s very much a cliché, but … we all die.

What we can be sure of is that our physical bodies age and die. Beyond that, no matter how certain I might think I am, nobody truly knows what happens. Many people have very full lives and die at ripe old ages, and, while it can be painful to say ‘goodbye’, we know it’s the right time for them to leave.

There is a line of thought that says whenever we die is the right time because of fate, karma, the will of God, or whatever. But many of us have known people we consider have died ‘before their time’ – from preventable diseases, accidents or intentionally.

For most of us these are premature deaths and hard to accept or understand.

Though death itself is inevitable, many of the causes of death are not.

The death test

Perhaps it’s not in the best possible taste, but I offer you a short test to start with.

Below is a list of 6 possible causes of premature death:

  • Falling
  • War
  • Suicide
  • Road Traffic Accidents
  • Drowning
  • Non war acts of violence

Your task (should you accept it) is to rank them in order from most fatalities to least.

For example, if you think ‘Drowning‘ kills more people than any of the other items, that goes at the top of your list. The answers are revealed a little further down, so you might want to stop reading until you’ve done the test.

And for those who really enjoy a challenge – guess how many people die annually worldwide from each cause.

The World Health Report – some figures

Before I reveal the answers I should just say a few words about where my figures come from as you may have access to more recent statistics.

I took the figures from the World Health Organisation (WHO) ‘World Health Report – 2004.’ The figures are the combined worldwide figures from 2002 and are from Annex 2 of the report.

Apparently a total of just over 57 million people died in 2002 and the huge majority of those died from an illness or some kind of health failure. You could argue that all death is a health failure, but I hope you know what I mean! The research is a wonderland for any hypochondriac – so if you fall into that category, I invite you to study the tables in detail ;-)

The study shows number of deaths from pretty much any disease or health failure you can imagine. Looking at those figures it’s clear (to me at any rate) that many millions of people die of health related reasons because of poverty and lack of access to decent health care.

These are preventable and, while I in no way want to imply they are unimportant, they are not what I want to look at here.

I’m focusing on deaths as a result of direct violence of some kind – either intentional or unintentional. So as you read on, please bear in mind that I’m talking about a relatively small proportion of fatalities – around 9% of the total.

So … how do we die?

1.   Road Traffic Accidents

1,192,000
2.   Suicide

873,000
3.   Non war acts of violence

559,000
4.   Falling

392,000
5.   Drowning

382,000
6.   War

172,000

How did you do on the test?

There are other causes listed in the report, with a total of 3,551,000 unintentionally and 1,618,000 intentionally violent deaths – around 9% of the total.

Some reactions

Rather than an in-depth analysis, I offer a few personal reactions – and I’d love to hear your own in the comments section.

1   Cars are deadly

For all the talk about gun control, the motor vehicle is the most lethal weapon we possess (though if you shoot a gun at someone you are clearly more likely to cause death or injury than if you get in a car!).

  • How many more millions are injured?
  • How come we got so careless with our driving?
  • When did we start to build and buy such dangerous cars (I guess speed is the big factor here)?

2  Life is lonely and painful for many

I wasn’t surprised that traffic accidents were at the top of the list. I was horrified that suicide is number two. And given that suicide is something of a taboo subject, I’m wondering if the true figures might be even higher. The report doesn’t actually mention ’suicide’ but describes it as ‘Self inflicted’ in the category of ‘Intentional deaths’. Is this a symptom of the taboo nature of suicide?

  • How did we allow life to become so painful and meaningless to so many hundreds of thousands of people?
  • Have our communities broken down so far that so many people feel isolated and alone?
  • Why is this not talked about more in the mainstream?

3   War is not only about death

Clearly the number of deaths in war can change dramatically depending on the conflicts in any given year. 2002 was not, as I recall an especially war-rich year, but I’m still surprised by the small number. My impression (from the media space it receives) was that war is a much greater cause of death – clearly this impression is wrong.

Also just looking at the figures is misleading as the consequences of war are far wider and deeper than the direct casualties.

  • How many die because of illness, poverty, relocation as a result of war?
  • How do you measure the long term consequences – emotional, physical, economic?

4    Careless in the extreme

We are pretty careless, judging by the number of accidents we have. We die from falling, drowning, getting poisoned (350,000) and in fires (312,000).

  • How do we balance being careful with living life to the full?
  • Are we really aware of basic safety precautions around the home and on the street?

What do you think of these numbers? Have you been affected by any of these among your family, friends or colleagues?

Conflict Is Not The Problem

Feb 10th, 2009
by ianpeatey.
15 comments

Conflict gets a lot of press, most of it bad, and I’ve often wondered why that is.

It seems to me that conflict is a natural consequence of the wonderful array of difference between us. Imagine a world without difference – horrible! More than that, I believe conflict is a huge source of creativity and energy for constructive action. Where there’s difference, conflict is never far away and I’d prefer to embrace that than avoid it.

Conflict isn’t the problem. How we react and deal with conflict is.

The ‘traditional’ approach to conflict is two sided – ‘my way’ and ‘your way’. In fact, there’s a third side – the solution, the ‘way forward’ or ‘our way’. Conflicts can only be solved creatively and peacefully if we can put our energies into finding that third way.

It’s not easy, not because it’s hard, but because our conditioning and our egos get in the way.

What I learned as a kid

The main conclusion I formed as a kid about how to deal with conflict was that it required the skillful or intelligent use of force: either physical or psychological. Films, TV shows and comic books were my staple entertainment diet, feeding me a picture of conflict as a confrontation between opposing sides (usually one ‘good’ and one ‘bad’). The two combatants dealt with their differences by battling it out – with words, fists, guns or armies – until one side emerged victorious. Winning was for heroes, losing for suckers!

At school (and at home too!) I learned how to argue a position, debate a motion or prove a hypothesis. None of these are particularly creative in that they tend to be about rehashing existing knowledge rather than creating anything new. Not always, of course, but how often in your own academic life did you create something completely new?

It’s not my intention to blame the media or education system, just to point out the popular image of conflict resolution. We’re just not taught constructive ways.

But they do exist and, I believe involve three key steps:

Step 1 Give up attachment to ‘my way’

This part is 100% in my control and, theoretically at least, the easiest.

Some people interpret this as giving in, which is not what I mean. Giving in, or avoiding conflict (for example, to maintain harmony), is a perfectly valid option though not without significant risks. It could be the start of a slippery path for later abuse of my goodwill and perceived weakness. I certainly don’t recommend doing this regularly in any close or important relationship – unless you want to be a doormat.

What I mean is letting go of my attachment to my position. Accepting that I only have part of the picture and that any solution (if that’s what we’re aiming at) might be different from what I have in mind.

I prefer to get clear for myself what’s at stake for me. What’s really important to me in this situation?

Security? Respect? Love? Understanding? Freedom? Creating something new?

Some people call these my interests, others my needs or values. By getting clear about these, I’m more likely to open to the possibility that ‘my way’ is not the ‘only way’ and, indeed, might not even be the ‘best way’.

It helps to do this if I can loosen the grip of my ego.

Step 2 Persuade you to give up attachment to ‘your way’

This can be the hard part and where things can get a bit sticky and messy, unless I’m really skilled and have earned a lot of trust from you. I’m trying to get you to do what I’ve done for myself in the first step.

Some things that may help (none of these are guaranteed!):

  • empathy … you’re more likely to loosen your attachment if you sense that I’m genuinely interested in, and understand, your needs and interests
  • assertiveness … if you believe that I’m not going to give up my core needs and interests you’re more likely to take me seriously
  • openness to discuss … if you hear that I’m willing and interested to explore a way forward that embraces both our needs and interests you’re more likely to co-operate
  • patience … if you see that I’m willing to invest time in this and not rush either of us to a quick fix you’re more likely to invest as well
  • honesty … if you hear that I’m telling you the truth, even (or especially) when it’s unpleasant then you’re more likely to trust me.

There may well be times when I just can’t get you to give up your attachment to ‘your way or no way’. I believe in those situations my obligation is to protect my own interests and needs, whilst doing everything I can not to damage you. Walking away from the situation, forcefully defending myself or surrendering to you are all possible strategies.

Again, my ego will surely have something to say!

Step 3 Work on the solution together

This is the fun part.

We’ve built trust, we’ve got energy, we’ve got mutual understanding and we’ve got all the interests and needs on the table.

Now’s the time to create ‘our way’ and we’ve already got two great ideas to start us off – ‘my way’ and ‘your way’.

What would the world look like if everyone approached conflict this way?

Me, you and us

Feb 1st, 2009
by ianpeatey.
6 comments

Some time ago I read ‘In Perfect Timing’, the autobiography of Peter Caddy, one of the founders of the Findhorn Community in Scotland (if you get a chance to visit I highly recommend this place). In 1945 he was stationed in Burma and he describes a trip from Rangoon to Puri, on the Bay of Bengal, where he had agreed to meet his friend Bill.

“I lay on my bedroll, drinking tea and watched the colourful panorama pass by the window: green fields, young wheat, yellow mustard, rustic dwellings and attractive wells, all set off against a beautiful sky that gave way to the sunset. When we stopped at a station I was captivated by the kaleidoscopic scene, full of interest and excitement – crowds of different races, pedlars, gurus with their chelas, fakirs with huge snakes around their necks, vendors selling sweetmeats, brahmins, beggars, betel-nut sellers – the whole sub-continent, it seemed, represented in a single setting. I was entranced by the whole journey.”

He then meets Bill in the hotel in Puri, as agreed, and asks him about his trip.

“”A bloody awful one” he replied. “There was so much rattling and yelling, the noise was unbearable; the flies were awful, the people smelt almost as badly as the shit – ” he went on and on about it.

I then discovered that we had both travelled on the same train.”
I love this story. The conclusion Peter then draws is that I attract what I look for. When I look for the negative – that’s what I get. Look for the positive and I’ll find that.

Collecting the pieces of the puzzle

I draw another conclusion from this story.

All of us perceive the world through our own senses and react to them in our own unique way. Put any two people in the same situation and they’ll experience it differently. All the time. Who’s experience is the right one? The answer, of course, is both are right … and neither are right. Each of us has only a small piece of the whole picture, one element of the jigsaw puzzle.

I’m faced with this moment by moment and I’ve basically got two choices:

1   Try to convince the world that my piece of the puzzle is the only piece.

2   Try to collect as many pieces as possible to make sense of the picture.

Which is the sane approach and which is the commonest approach?

As the old saying goes ‘Common sense isn’t very common’!

One of several important things I picked up at the ‘Big Mind‘ retreat in Ameland was the importance of how I use  language. It wasn’t new to me, but a very clear reminder about using personal pronouns – especially first and second person (‘I’ and ‘You’).

I try to be very careful in my writing about how I use personal pronouns. Talking about ‘I’ and ‘Me’ does sound to me a bit egocentric at times but it’s very deliberate. When I use the first person I’m attempting to convey my experiences, my views, my piece of the jigsaw puzzle. If I was to use the second person, the risk is that you might hear me as trying to impose my truth onto you. And if it doesn’t agree with your view then you’re likely to have a defensive reaction.

Compare for example:

“… I attract what I look for. When I look for the negative – that’s what I get. Look for the positive and I’ll find that.”

with

“… you attract what you look for. When you look for the negative – that’s what you get. Look for the positive and you’ll find that.”

The difference is subtle but, I believe, crucial for reducing the amount of violence in the world.

The second sounds to me more like a lecture, a lesson for you about a universal truth. You may well agree, in which case we probably stop exploring the idea and congratulate each other that we’re like minded people. Neither of us learns much. On the other hand you may disagree and we’re more likely to start a debate about which of us has ‘the truth’. We may learn something from each other, but debate tends be confrontational rather than exploratory and often turns into argument.

I much prefer the first because, even when we disagree, the chances are that you’ll find it more inviting to share how you see it and I can learn and add your view to my own, and vice versa. We both pick up another piece of the puzzle of life.

Personal pronouns – the solution to peace?

I used, of course, a very mild example. Consider though the conflicts in the world.

Most (if not all) have their roots in two sides trying to impose their truth on the other side. It basically boils down to fighting about which side has the greatest claim on a piece of land, the right ideology or has superior racial roots.

How different would the world be if we all were seeking to understand each other instead of trying to educate each other?

It could be that paying attention to personal pronouns saves lives!

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