Posts Tagged ‘confidence’

7 Lessons From Losing My Hair

Nov 14th, 2009

I started losing my hair in my late twenties, and for the last 8 years or so I’ve shaved off what’s left. I’d kept it short for several years before, but still it was a bold, bald move.

And as with any bold move there are some great lessons to learn.

Lesson 1- when something is inevitable, there is no real fear

My father is bald on top as were both my grandfathers. For as long as I can remember I told myself it was inevitable I was going to lose my hair naturally and I never feared it. I’m not saying that hair loss IS inevitable – just that in my belief system it was.

Judging by the proliferation of expensive hair loss treatment around, I’m guessing that many men do fear going bald and refuse to accept it as inevitable. That’s fine for them – and maybe these treatments work.

A few things are inevitable, though, no matter how much I want them not to be. For example, I’m going to continue to get older and I will eventually die.

My early acceptance of hair loss was an important lesson than when I accept the inevitability of something – then my fear of it diminishes.

Lesson 2 – the mind is more powerful than genetics (possibly)

I thought (still do!) that my father was a pretty cool guy and I look a lot like him. My slightly younger brother, on the other hand, has a full head of hair. I suspect that my acceptance of fate was more powerful than the genetic cause of my hair loss.

I have no doubt that we largely create (or at least influence) our reality through the power of our minds. Accepting baldness may well have become a self-fulfilling prophecy, so I’m very careful these days about what I accept as truth.

Lesson 3 – simplicity saves time and money

I used to detest going to the barber and paying someone to cut my hair. I just can’t stand strangers touching my head. I know many people love having their hair pampered at the salon – but that was never my scene at all.

When I was growing up my mother used to cut it (think ‘bowl cut’ aka ‘mushroom head’ aka ‘The Spock look’) and that was fine until I left home.

Now I can do it myself, anytime, anyplace. Or sometimes Mona does it, which is a very intimate pleasure.

This was the first step I took towards a simple life style – and the same virtues are true of simplicity wherever you find it. It saves a lot of time and there is no simpler or cheaper way of keeping hair than not having any.

Lesson 4 – when I hide who I am .. I hide who I am

Through my teens and twenties I suffered from very low self confidence. I believed I had a lot to offer the world but just couldn’t find any voice to let it out.

I can track an inverse correlation between my general confidence levels and the amount and length of my hair. As I lost my hair I found more and more confidence in myself and I got another boost when I started shaving it.

There are many possible cause-and-effect explanations, of course, and I can never prove one over the other. It does seem to make sense though, that the more I hide my physical body (hair, clothes etc.) the more I’m likely to hide the rest of myself.

Lesson 5 – vanity is not attractive .. but the human body is perfectly designed

I do confess that one reason I keep my hair shaved is that I think it makes me look more sexy. Also, I know that if I grow my hair longer then I’ll probably look like the pointy haired boss in the Dilbert cartoons.

I interviewed Mona who said,

‘Many women find it irresistible.’

I’m not revealing what question I asked, of course, nor whether Mona is one of these ‘many women’. But the point is that bald men do have a certain physical appeal. Think Yul Brynner, Bruce Willis, Sean Connery, Homer Simpson or George Clooney without hair.

See what I mean?

Only by shaving my head did I discover just how perfectly formed the human body is. Unless you suffer from Peladophobia (fear of bald people), in which case you’d probably prefer George to keep his hair.

Lesson 6 – I am not the centre of the universe

It took some courage to shave my head for the first time. In fact I was so worried about what people would think. I chose to do it at the start of a three week holiday so my friends, colleagues and the general public, wouldn’t see me.

When I got back, I decided to keep it because I liked it so much and, much to my surprise, hardly anyone noticed. I didn’t attract stares as I walked down the street, nobody commented and I even started to notice many people keeping their hair as short as I do.

I realised that most people are not the least bit interested in what I look like and I am not the centre of the universe!

Lesson 7 – things grow even though I can’t see them

I can’t see it grow, of course, but I’m certain it does. I cut it down to less than a millimetre and 10 days later it’s length has increased tenfold.

I find this pretty amazing – my body is busy growing hair, slowly but surely and I’m not aware of it.

Everything changes over time, even when I can’t see things moving. I’ve learned to trust the invisible powers of life and beyond.

Talking behind your back

Sep 16th, 2009

by ianpeatey.

16 comments

One of my personal rules is not to talk about someone behind their back.

Until my mid 20’s I was a huge gossip (it is not true that men don’t gossip!). I worked in a small office in a close knit group. I say ‘worked’ but in reality we spent more time gossiping about our co-workers in other parts of the building. Mainly we used to talk about who we thought was sleeping with whom, who we liked and who not. Of course we would never repeat to someone’s face what we’d said behind their back.

It seemed to me that everyone was doing it. We were all TV addicts and often chatted about the daily soaps. The characters there often talked behind each other’s backs. We made it part of our daily life. Picking on mistakes, laughing at them and hypothesising about the intimate details of others.

Sometimes the talk was complimentary, usually it was not.

At some point I came to the conclusion that this was not a good thing – either for me or for the subject of my behind-the-back-talking.

1 Trust

One day a friend pointed out:

‘How can anyone trust you when you’re constantly talking about other people behind their back? I’m often wondering what you say about me when I’m not around.’

Now this seems pretty obvious, but at the time it was not. If I often judge you (good or bad) and only speak these things behind your back, how can anyone trust what I say to their face?

Clearly they can’t – least of all you!

2 Myth becomes reality

If someone hears what I say about you, they may believe it. As well as the opinion they’ll form about how trustworthy I am and my level of respect for others, they will certainly form some impression about you based on my words. This may be sub-conscious but will still happen, unless they are very self aware.

Next time they meet you they’ll carry that impression with them and not fully experience you. Their image of who you are will be distorted by the things they heard. For example, if I recounted a story about a mistake you made, they’ll be on the look-out for you to slip up.

My judgements, impressions and even the things I notice about you are not ‘truth’ but entirely depend on how I see the world. The things I say (especially judgements) are my own myths about you. I may not like you very much but I may well be the only person who doesn’t. I really don’t have any right to turn my own myths into reality.

3 Self reflection

I believe that I only notice things in others that are a reflection of myself in some way. They could be things I don’t much like about myself or things I’m envious about and wish I had more of.

For example, for a long time I had problems with my self confidence and wanted more. I really didn’t like it when I saw it in others – judging them as arrogant, self absorbed or abrasive. My desire to have more myself made me much more sensitive when I saw it in others.

So rather than make these judgements and turn them into cheap entertainment for the amusement of my friends, I started using these to look at myself. Each time I’m triggered in some way by the behaviour of another (good or bad) I use it to ask myself what it means for me. It’s a great source of things to work on in my own self development.

4 Energy vampire

It’s obvious that if I’m telling you something to your face (about what I think or feel in relation to you) it will have an effect of some kind. You’ll listen, react , maybe you’ll like it, maybe not, you’ll decide if it’s useful or not and then move on. The point is that it will make a small change in your energy.

I believe the same happens when I talk behind your back. We’re all linked together and connected in ways that I don’t fully understand. The distance is greater when it’s not to your face so the energetic connection weaker, but I’m likely to say things more strongly so the force can be stronger. I don’t know for sure what, if any, effect this will have on you, but why take the risk? Why suck some of your energy without permission?

I’m no longer a gossip and I rarely talk about someone who’s not there.

It may not be as much fun to listen to me, but at least I’m not having fun at the expense of someone who’s not present.

6 Ways to cultivate confidence

Sep 4th, 2009

by ianpeatey.

7 comments

Today I’m featuring a guest post from Angela Chang. It’s my first, so it’s something of a personal experiment in cultivating my own confidence in my blog!

Whether it’s finding the right relationship, starting a profitable business, or becoming a successful speaker, confidence is often necessary in accomplishing our goals. Without confidence, we can’t move ahead to meet challenges. It prevents us from taking action, and we often become stagnant. In the worst case, it can lead to depression.

Here are 6 ways that can help you cultivate confidence.

1. Offer solutions, instead of relying on others.

Are you typically the person that lets others make decisions for you? Like what restaurant to eat at, or what movie to watch? When someone asks you what you want to do, do you often deflect the question back to them?

Instead of depending on others to decide, start proposing solutions. Use convictive words such as “Let’s do X”, “I propose X”, and “I suggest X”. Just by changing your language, you will start to feel more like a leader, rather than a passive follower.

It may seem very awkward at first, but you’ll eventually get used to it. Practice making decisions, instead of being in limbo. If a decision is not major, and you have the temptation to postpone making the decision, force yourself to make up your mind.

Be specific in your goals and intentions. If you plan to go on a trip sometime, don’t tell people “I plan to go someplace sometime in the future”, but come up with a specific time and place such as “I am going to visit Japan next summer.”

2. Be Honest.

Many times, when we’re not confident with ourselves we often disguise our true, insecure selves and pretend to be someone else. We may lie about certain things such as our job, or our hobbies. On the surface, this might seem like a good idea, but guess what? This will turn into a vicious cycle.

Rather than pretending to be someone else, try being yourself. Reveal your vulnerabilities. Embrace your weaknesses. The more honest and open you are, the less anxious you are about being exposed to others. You will often find that people are drawn more to people who reveal how vulnerable they are. Intimate relationships develop from people who are honest with each other. Look are your current relationships: Are your close friends people you’ve met through trading business cards in a convention, or sales meeting?

3. Take the initiative in introducing yourself.

How many times have you been to a social event, and hang around until someone introduces themselves? Next time, take the initiative to introduce yourself! Just go up to a person, and say “Hi. My name is X. What is yours?”. Like most things, it sounds scarier than it really is. After the conversation is over, you will feel great about yourself.

If you can easily introduce yourself to people, try bearing the burden of the conversation. Don’t rely on the other person to come up with an interesting topic to talk about. Bring up something that interests you, and talk about it!

Many people often dis-empower themselves by thinking they’ll be regarded as stalkers, or freaks if they took the initiative in introducing themselves, especially to people of the opposite sex. But the reality is that most people will think you are cool.

4. Know what you want.

If you’re not confident, you usually feel inadequate. If you know what you want, and understand your values and principles, that feeling evaporates. Take the time to understand what your life purpose is, and what guides your life. Come up with some exciting goals, and develop a methodological plan to work on them. If you’re just living life randomly, and following the script handed to you by your parents or society, a feeling of inadequacy is inevitable. But if you live your life consciously, a strong feeling of confidence will develop. You’ll finally feel like a creator, instead of someone that simply reacts to life circumstances.

5. Learn new skills.

A lack of confidence is usually present for a reason, and that reason may be a feeling that you’re not accomplishing much. While it’s unhealthy to compare yourself to other people, this feeling is usually warranted. The best way to combat it is to simply learn more things, and be more capable.

Learn a new skill such as swimming or yoga or playing the piano. Learn more about the different types of religion, or the history of China. Learn how to set-up a website, or how to repair cars. Ideally you want to find something you would love to do, not something that would impress people.

6. Take care of your body.

Another major contributor to a lack of confidence is not loving your body. If you don’t like how you look, you can always make it better either through a healthier diet or exercise (ideally both!) The funny thing is that the simple act of exercising will immediately boost your confidence, even if it has no affect on your physical appearance. Exercising gives you energy and boosts your mind, which in turn leads to a feeling of self-worth. If you take care of your body, you’re basically saying to yourself “I love myself, and I’ll do everything possible to make sure I’m at my best!”

Angela is a yoga lover, personal development coach and a colon cleanse expert. She’s writing a personal development book that will be coming out late next year.