Children | Quantum Learning

The first thing you can do is get the concept of ‘naughty kids’ out of your head. You can surgically remove the idea of ‘good kids’ while you’re at it. I believe this thinking, that there are two types of children – one ‘good’ and the other ‘naughty’ – is the source of more stress in families than anything else.

It’s not the children. It’s not even what children do – though for sure that can be frustrating at times. It’s our thinking about it.

I was a good kid!

In my up-bringing a ‘good’ kid was an obedient one who:

learned the social rules of politeness and applied them without question
did whatever adults asked (parents, teachers, clergy – but not strangers, especially men)
never complained
rarely asked for anything (asking for a glass of water was acceptable!).

And they grow up into good adults who:

maintain the ‘culture’ by following the unwritten rules of behaviour
do whatever authority figures ask (parents, bosses, clergy, the government, even the taxman – but get suspicious when strangers ask)
never openly complain, no matter how tedious, obnoxious or soul destroying the task at hand
rarely ask for anything (buying stuff is acceptable!).

In fact, I was a very obedient child and for a while an equally obedient adult. I still get a bit nervous around authority figures (if I pass a member of the police force I still feel a pang of guilt, even though I KNOW I’ve got nothing to hide) but I gave up being good and nice a long time ago. You could even say I tend to live a very ‘naughty’ life.

No sniggering, please! That’s not what I meant! See? Even the word has been taken and twisted around so that it’s really not ‘appropriate’ to describe myself as naughty.

I don’t know about you, but being naughty seems far more attractive than being ‘good’. At least if it means questioning everything, treating myself as at least as important as anyone else, standing up for myself and only doing things that have meaning.

Encouraging the naughtiness

As a parent, I encourage the rebellious side of my children. I can’t say it’s always easy or enjoyable and I do wonder sometimes if it’s the right approach. I’m also often fighting my own up-bringing and pressure from others. But I want my kids to:

question the world and not accept things just because I say so

hold their head up high and make decisions for themselves, not because it’s expected of them

learn how to ask for what they need in life and not suffer silently for lack of those things

be compassionate to everyone – even strangers

do everything they do because they see the meaning in it not out of fear

Everything they do is part of their learning process, and I want to respect that and be there to protect them if they go too far. To be there to help them develop a strong sense of self and a clear and deep set of values to live by.

So I’ve removed good and naughty from my vocabulary.

There is a line, of course.

And that’s where they stop valuing the people around them. That stage of ’screw you’ rebelliousness, often accompanying puberty, is a tricky path to navigate but there is a line. Naughty becomes ‘unacceptable’ when people are at risk of getting hurt in some way.

What to do with ‘naughty’ children?

Celebrate it.

It could be a sign they’re waking up and growing into happy and fulfilled adults!

One of my articles gets a steady trickle of visitors from Google; ‘How hard should you smack your children?‘. A couple of people told me they liked the article and advice on alternatives to smacking would be really helpful for them. Guess what you’ll find in this post?

Let me clearly state for the record – I abhor violence in any form and especially when used by adults against smaller people who can’t defend themselves (children, in case that wasn’t clear). I regard any form of smacking as violence and I don’t believe it’s effective, does more harm than good and there are alternatives.

If you happen to be one of the parents who disagrees with me (take comfort that you are in the majority here!) I ask 5 minutes of your time to read this. And … please, please find ways to raise your kids that doesn’t involve hitting them

So what are the alternatives?

1 When your child is in danger

I’m opposed to violence but not the use of force.

If my child is in danger, for example running into a busy street or fighting, then I have a responsibility to stop them. In the moment of danger, I don’t have the time to sit down and talk to them about what they’re doing and the likely consequences! I need to act and to use my physical force to prevent harm and not to punish or create harm.

When they run towards the street – I run after them and physically prevent them going further. Pick them up if necessary
If they’re fighting – I separate them!

I’m bigger and stronger (usually) so they may be hurt when I use force – but that’s an unfortunate consequence and absolutely not my intention. When the danger’s over, then I can sit down and explain how scared I was when I imagined what might happen if they continued. I can make a clear request about what I want them to do when they’re close to a street or they feel like fighting.

If they continue what they’re doing I can physically keep them away until I’m certain they’ve learned differently. This isn’t to punish them but to protect them (and others).

2 When your child won’t listen

Children are very good at learning, just not necessarily from what I tell them. They’re ‘learning machines’ and take in a huge amount of information from an early age. One challenge is they learn more from what I do than what I say.

I was staying with a friend who’s got two kids. The younger was hitting his sister over the head with a plastic toy. The father saw what was going on and rushed over and took the toy out of his son’s hand, which was a good start. He then hit his son sharply a couple of times across the back of his legs saying,

“How many times have I told you! Don’t hit people!”

I wonder what the little boy learned?

If my children won’t listen, I ask myself if my words are consistent with my actions (usually not!). Or maybe I’m using language that makes sense to me (a mature person) but not to them (a maturing person). Or perhaps they’re just not ready to listen right now, after all I’m not always in the mood to listen, so why expect children to be any different.

A technique that seems to work well with my youngest daughter, when she’s just not listening, is to say, “I want to say something to you. Tell me when you’re ready to listen“. So far she has always come to me a bit later and told me when she’s ready. I know I have her complete attention (for a few minutes anyway!).

I just don’t believe hitting someone makes them more willing and open to hear what I want to say!

3 When your child won’t do what you want

I see my role as parent to include establishing boundaries within which my children feel safe and loved, providing guidance and helping them learn. Hitting them might get them to do what I want but isn’t consistent with a safe and loving environment. Arguing ‘I spank them because I love them‘ doesn’t make that belief right!

When my kids won’t co-operate I ask myself two questions:

what would it give me if they follow my request?
what might be preventing them from doing it?

The first question helps me get really clear and prevents my requests turning into arbitrary “Because I say so” rationale. When I express the reasons why I want them to do it, I find they’re more likely to co-operate.

Kids push against the boundaries I set. It’s their way of learning and testing the safety of their world – it’s not a personal attack, though sometimes it appears that way. For example, when I misunderstand my 5 year old she’s started responding “Don’t you have ears?” (Hmmmm!!!!!). She’s testing, not attacking me.

They always have perfectly good reasons, in their terms, for not doing what I want. They want to play some more, finish what they’re doing or they simply want to do their own thing. If I can understand that and empathise with that then they’re more likely to come with me. If not, then I’ve got a good basis for negotiating a solution to give us both what we want.

Some argue that they kids need to know who’s boss – and to some extent I agree. But learning who’s boss and to get their way by violence is not what I want them to pick up from me.

4 When you’re angry with your child

It’s easy to say ‘I shouldn’t get angry with my kids‘ but that’s not very helpful. We all get angry at times – even me! And kids can be really exasperating.

But no-one can make me angry, not even my children. I get angry for a number of reasons and it usually boils down to thinking ‘this shouldn’t happen‘. I’m thinking my kids shouldn’t be so noisy, or they should play by themselves or they should stop being rude to me.

My anger is about me and my thinking. It’s inside me – my kids (or anyone for that matter) are simply catalysts. It’s easy, but misguided, to blame them and I prefer to look inside and deal with my anger myself rather than lashing out in the hope that I can make it go away externally.

So I simply ask myself what’s stimulating my anger? Maybe I’m tired and need rest, overwhelmed and need peace or frustrated and need support or co-operation. When I connect to my anger in a more understanding way I’m much more likely to communicate with my little ones from a place that’s calmer and more grounded. I may still be angry, but the violence has left me.

I’ve found that telling them what’s up with me and asking for their co-operation is much more likely to get them on my side. Blaming, hitting or yelling at a noisy or screaming child isn’t going to make the situation any better.

I welcome your comments and suggestions – they really do make my day!