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Posts Tagged ‘children’

AWOL and Future Plans

May 27th, 2010
by ianpeatey.
10 comments

I’ve not published anything here for a while.

If anyone had asked me I would have said it was about three weeks since I wrote something. In fact, the date of the last article is 20 March 2010 – definitely longer than 3 weeks. And that time just slipped by.

No-one did ask me, which is a little disconcerting, but I’ll get over it.

I didn’t intend to take a break and was just planning to slow down while Mona and I got used to being parents together – maybe writing once a week, maybe a little more. No way did I plan to stop entirely.

Plans for Quantum Learning

I’m going to restart publishing in twice a week (Monday and Thursday) and to make it a bit more explicitly focused on what I consider to be the essential dimensions of peaceful living:

  • Inner World
  • Family Life
  • Work Place
  • World We Live In

Inner World

Sometimes I experience huge inner peace and self acceptance, even self love. These are what I might call ‘flashes of peace’ and is certainly not a steady state. I wish it was! I’m often stressed about day to day stuff, often paralysed by indecisiveness and often wallow in self pity and doubt.

Sometimes I forget everything I’ve learned and revert to a shallow, mean-spirited creature.

Yet those ‘flashes of peace’ show me that there is another ‘me’ bursting to get out. Finding ways of freeing that ‘me’ – the person I would like to be, is what I mean by Inner World.

Family Life

Even if you don’t have children, you were a child once upon a time. Even if you live alone, it wasn’t always that way. You were, for better or worse, part of a family of some kind.

How I live in intimate relationship and raise my children are two of the most nurturing experiences – and can also be two of the most challenging! I don’t often  think in terms of ‘my legacy’, yet through my kids, part of me will carry on when I die.

I’ve made many mistakes along the way and many people have been hurt by some of the choices I made and decisions I took. On the other hand I can look back over this first part of my life and celebrate some of the wonderful things I’ve contributed to myself and those around me.

I’ve struggled many times with the idea of ‘family’ but I discovered that a firm family foundation supports peace within me, in the connections with others and, through my children, the future of peace on the planet.

Plus, for a site devoted to self development, I can’t ignore the huge amount I learn from my 3 children. The oldest just turned 18 and no longer a child. The middle  is 7 and no longer a baby. My third is 3 months and no longer a newborn.

Work Place

I’ve been working with three dear friends on a concept for a new business venture I’m very excited about.

We believe there are plenty of people in business looking for respect, kindness, compassion and meaning in their working lives – and rarely finding it. We’re hoping to bring those people together and to support them through coaching, consulting and workshops.

We’re calling it ‘LightWork’ and wanting to play with the double meaning of that name.

Where is it written that work has to be ‘hard’ and heavy and a sacrifice? Who decided that competition needs to be tough and aggressive? When did we separate ‘work’ and ‘life’, as though work is not really part of living?

Interesting times ahead. For me anyway, and I hope you’ll join me!

The Big Thing

Feb 27th, 2010
by ianpeatey.
6 comments

For the last weeks I’ve been focused on other things and not been writing much. I say ‘other things’ but in reality it was just one thing.

A ‘big thing‘ nonetheless.

The ‘big thing‘ was the birth of my daughter, Sara Emma Peatey.

I’ve been overwhelmed by the welcome she’s received from those who know me through Facebook, Twitter etc.. So a huge ‘Thank You’ for that.

They say having children changes your life and, even though Sara is my third child and I was ready for that, things are definitely different around here! We are gradually getting back to ‘normal’ as we settle into sleeping, feeding and diapers. There’s not a whole lot else in these first days!

I’m going to be resuming regular service here in the next days, starting with some reflections on the birth – so look out for that!

Basically I just wanted to say I’m alive, well and enjoying watching the first days in the unfolding of new life.

Journey Of Life

I’d also like to take the opportunity to promote a workshop I’m running in the summer with some dear friends.

The workshop is deep in ‘vampire country’ in the Romanian mountains close to Dracula’s castle in Bran. If you’d like to find out more then we have a small website Journey Of Life.

It would be wonderful to have some of you join us there, and as an added bonus you would get to meet Sara!

5 Questions While Waiting For A Baby

Feb 6th, 2010
by ianpeatey.
12 comments

I’m waiting for a baby to be born. To be exact, my third daughter is due to be born around 8th February.

I know many people find it hard to get excited about other peoples’ children, no matter how cute and angelic. If you’re one of those people then you probably haven’t even got this far into the article which is a shame because it’s not really about babies and kids and stuff.

On one hand it seems like I’m in a baby limbo where everything is ready and we’re just filling time waiting. We’re ready, the apartment is ready, family is ready, birth support is ready. Even the dogs are ready.

Just no baby yet!

On the other hand, and apologies for the well worn cliché, everything happens for a reason – even if we don’t know what it is.

One thing it has allowed me is a little space to reflect.

1.   Nature Is Perfectly Designed Just As It Is

If a group of people had sat down and said, ‘Hey! Let’s create a way to make babies,‘ I doubt they could have come up with anything even close to the perfect way nature designed it.

The female body is beautifully constructed to grow, give birth to and then nurture a child. Everything is taken care of – even the feeding arrangements.

Isn’t this perfect design true of everything in nature?

We have great power to change the face of the earth and do so in the interests of making things better. We dig huge holes in mountains, mold the landscape, reclaim land, change the course of rivers, cut down forests and add to the gases in the air.

Does anything we do to the planet improve on nature?

2.   Life Is Full Of Hazard

Child birth is a major physical, emotional and spiritual experience in which new life is brought into the world. Pregnancy is not an illness and birth is a perfectly natural event.

It happens all the time.

Yet every visit to the doctor, every time we open a book on the subject, we’re bombarded with lists of all the things that could go wrong. Most people we talk to are amazed Mona wants a natural birth without any chemical pain relief.

Faced with all these birth horror stories and the fear of pain, it’s no wonder so many women elect for a planned C-section – the standard way to give birth in Romania. Can anyone really tell me that in a perfectly healthy woman who has had a problem free pregnancy that it’s better to cut open her belly and pull the baby out?

Of course things can go wrong – but that doesn’t mean I should expect them to!

Bad things can happen walking down the street but I’d never go out if I took precautions for every single thing that could befall me. It’s good to be on the look out for danger and have an idea what to do – but not to assume that the sky is going to fall on my head when I step out the door.

Have we become so fear driven we’ve numbed ourselves to the experience of living?

3.   We Could Move Things On

Mona, especially, is getting very impatient as she gets more and more uncomfortable and wanting her body back. As time goes on, the impatience and discomfort starts to outweigh any fear she might have of giving birth (though it’s my third, it’s her  first). Inside, our baby is snug and warm and as she gets bigger the ‘snug’ gets to a point where she’s squeezed as she runs out of room.

Allowing nature to run its course brings both mother and child to a point – a ‘tipping point’ – where it’s time for the birth.

It’s tempting to allow the impatience to rule and forget that everything happens at exactly the right time. We could take control and move things on. We could use chemicals. We could use surgery.

Many people do.

But do we really understand the consequences when we interfere with that perfect design of nature? Do we really know the long term effects on our baby? On the mother? And without wanting to sound overly dramatic … on the entire future of the human race?

In our desire for control, do we create long term problems by interfering?

4.   Everyone wants to be involved

Everyone has an opinion on everything – from what Mona should be eating and doing, how we should give birth and even what name we should give our daughter. I suspect this is just the start and all these well meaning people will have plenty of advice for us for the next 20 years or so. I’m not talking about family and close friends – people close enough to us to know when their support is welcome and when not. I mean people who hardly know us or, in some cases, complete strangers.

It’s got to the point where we no longer answer the phone!

I take it as a sign of care and consideration but I’d love it if they could find different ways to express that.

I guess it’s no surprise when the papers are full of ‘news’ about the private lives of the rich and famous and our TV’s are a constant source of ‘reality’ shows (though not like any reality I’ve ever experienced).

Have we lost our capacity to judge when we’re welcome or not?

5.   The State Doesn’t Trust Us

We are responsible people.

Both Mona and I are well and widely educated, we don’t take parenting lightly and are quite capable to make our decisions.

We’ve researched, spoken to many people and, though this is Mona’s first, it is my third birth. Everything has gone smoothly during pregnancy. We’ve checked with doctors and midwives and there are absolutely no signs of anything other than a perfectly normal birth.

We both believe, for many reasons, that a natural home birth is the best way to bring our daughter into the world. Recognising that things are unpredictible we’d like this to be supported by a trained midwife and a hospital ready to provide back-up if needed.

The state thinks we are stupid and irresponsible. Not just us .. but everyone.

They believe that hospital birth is best and have effectively made home birth illegal. If we do what we believe is best for Mona and for our baby then we risk not getting treated if things go wrong, prosecution and (I’m guessing here) being blacklisted by the social services.

People who don’t know us are making decisions about our lives.

In what areas do we allow others to make fundamental decisions about our lives?

A World Of Deals And Exchanges

Sep 23rd, 2009
by ianpeatey.
12 comments

What happened to altruism and generosity? The sheer pleasure of giving without any expectation of getting something in return.

“Oh Ian! You’re so naive!” the cynic may cry and then quote some well worn epithet:

You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours

or

There’s no such thing as a free lunch

Well, I think it’s sad!

I noticed it very clearly yesterday evening. I went with Elena, my daughter (6), to a restaurant to meet some friends for a few hours. I was watching how easily Elena made contact with people. I think by the end of the evening she knew all the staff in the restaurant, to the point she was helping one of the waitresses serve the tables. I found it wonderful seeing her proudly take bread baskets to the customers.

Then on the way home, as we waited at the bus stop, she befriended a middle aged lady. I’m not quite sure how she did it but by the time we’d got off (coincidentally at the same stop) she’d recounted her life story to the obviously enraptured lady.

None of this was in any way exceptional to my little one, just another day out meeting people and sharing a few important stories from her life. There was no hint of a suggestion that she might want something in exchange other than the pleasure she got from smiling, chatting and helping.

It’s natural – not learned.

I’m such a proud father!

I’d like to take credit that it’s how I’ve raised her but I honestly think it’s natural. In the innocence of childhood we are not suspicious of others and wondering what they want from us. We’re not scared to smile freely and give of ourselves with no expectation of getting something back.

As children grow up they learn to behave differently. And where do they learn that?

It is us adults that teach our children to be suspicious, to negotiate for things, to do deals and to withhold themselves. It is us adults that have a hard time making effortless connection with people we meet day to day. It is us adults that transform the perfectly natural and innocent approach of our children into something more selfish and based on a mentality of scarcity.

It’s all about exchange

We’ve become so used to turning everything into an exchange we’ve forgotten the sheer pleasure of just giving without any expectation of something in return. Even as something as simple as a smile or eye contact is a free gift – yet we expect something in return.

Consider this. If you are walking down the street and a stranger approaches you or maybe just smiles at you, what’s the first thought that enters your head?

If you’re like me it’s probably something like “What do they want?”

If I turn that around, that’s precisely the same reaction I’d expect from you if I was the stranger walking towards you and smiling. I don’t like it but that thought is so deeply engrained it’s hard to remove.

Over the last couple of years I try an experiment from time to time. I make the small step of making eye contact as I go about my daily business. With shop assistants, people on the bus, walking down the street or in a café.

Try it yourself sometime.

It’s very revealing as it’s almost impossible to get eye contact with someone. Everyone goes about with their heads down and their hearts sleeping. I thought maybe it was just me. Perhaps I look a bit creepy (I don’t think so but I can never be sure) and it’s only me that people avoid. But it’s not. Everyone goes about their day to day stuff avoiding most kind of contact other the unavoidable.

And I still think it’s sad.

I don’t want my children to grow up that way.

A final thought.

After I die, will I be remembered more for what I took from the world or for what I gave to the world?

Reward! Wanted dead or alive

Jul 22nd, 2009
by ianpeatey.
15 comments

We seem to have built a world where reward in the form of  money, position, compliments and promises is an integral part of how we operate.  We reward our children for doing what we expect, employees for doing their work and the ultimate reward for living a ‘good’ life, apparently, is a place in heaven. It is so much engrained that we rarely take the time to consider if there’s any other way.

The problem with reward

Actually there are several problems, as I see it.

1   It works … up to a point

As a tool for manipulation or coercion it’s highly effective and based on a fairly primitive view of how we are as human beings. If it didn’t work I doubt it would be so common and it’s clear many people (me included!) do things to get rewarded and avoid punishment.

Just because something works doesn’t mean it’s the best way to get things done.

Once upon a time ships were powered by slaves, the Earth was flat and humans were sacrificed to appease the gods. Times change, we learn new things and gain new understanding about how the world works – including how we ‘work’.

I think it has become pretty well understood that reward works in the short term and to get aims met, rather than a more holistic motivation.

Once the reward is earned there’s no longer any forward movement and the system needs to keep feeding itself. There’s no longer term motivation and neither the means nor the goals have to be useful, meaningful or have value.

2   Fear (and greed)

Reward goes hand in hand with punishment. The two are inseparable because, even where no punishment is threatened, the failure to get a reward is a punishment in itself.

And reward often uses greed to get things done and punishment uses fear.

These aren’t the most endearing of human traits! And they reinforce the ‘ends justify the means’ approach to getting things done.

3    Power over

The whole concept sets up a reward bestower who has power over the receiver.

Bestowers of rewards include parents, teachers, employers and the ultimate bestower, God (at least as God is taught in some doctrines). Anywhere you find ‘authority’, you will almost certainly find reward and punishment operating. It is one of the tools that those in positions of authority use to keep themselves there. And in most cases it’s combined with superior power – either physical, emotional or moral.

I have 2 concerns about this.

  • whenever I respond to reward (or punishment) I give away my power to an authority figure. I stop taking responsibility and I expect to be looked after.
  • while I’m a great believer in humankind, I also realise not one of us is perfect and power has a nasty habit of becoming abused and misused.

Is there another way?

Do you believe that if rewards are taken away as a motivating tool, things would still get done?

Well, I doubt that everything you do is motivated by seeking gain or avoiding punishment. I do many things willingly, even joyfully without any external influences. Probably most of what I do, and most of the things I truly enjoy, I do because I want to and not because I want to be given something as a result.

I believe motivation comes from inside. It comes when my needs are being taken care of, when my life and the lives of others are being enriched in some way – not from the reward but from the act itself.

For example, I prepare food and wash up because I enjoy feeding myself and I enjoy cleanliness and order. I write because it gives me a sense of purpose and interaction with you. I run workshops because I enjoying sharing, learning and the community this brings me. I could go on …

The ‘reward’ (if I can call it that) is through meeting these various needs and from the activity itself. I don’t rely on anyone ‘giving’ me or ‘awarding’ me anything. If I receive money or praise then I take that as feedback I’ve done something that others have enjoyed.

This kind of motivation comes when I’m in touch with my inner drivers, my needs, my values. I don’t need external reward and I’m not putting my power in the hands of others.

And when I’m connected to this internal power of my own, I never want to use reward or punishment to get others to do what I want them to do.

Not at home, not at work and not anywhere.

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