There comes a time in the life of a blog when the author (in this case, me) has a sudden urge to confess. At the risk of alienating all my readers and passers-by, that time has just arrived here.
England is the country of my birth and the first 30 years of my life. I’ve never worn a bowler hat, but I’m undeniably English (I can accept ‘British’ and possibly even ‘European’ but, despite my name, I’m not Scottish!).
That’s the first part of the confession.
It gets worse …
I’ve had the following conversation several times.
“Do you speak Polish?” enquires a new acquaintance.
“No,” I reply, knowing exactly where the conversation is heading.
“Yes, I’m not surprised. It really is a very difficult language to learn. Especially for English speakers,” they say.
I nod in agreement with their attempt at sympathy for my challenge and pretend I didn’t notice the thinly veiled insult.
“How long have you lived here in Poland?” they continue their polite enquiries.
“Fifteen years.”
I deliver this with a well-practised expression of self-confident humility over a shallow layer of embarrassment. I notice an immediate shift in them - from sympathy to outrage.
“FIFTEEN YEARS!” they almost shout. “And you still haven’t learned our language?”
At which point they either interrogate me or give up on me and go do something else.
It’s true!
The thing is, I completely and fully understand their reaction.
I’ve lived in Poland for 15 years. Since 1st June 1994 to be exact. And my spoken Polish is just about sufficient for me to feed myself and travel, provided everything is straightforward. I can understand a portion of what’s said to me directly and just about follow a simple conversation between two people.
But by no stretch of anyone’s imagination could it be said that I speak Polish.
Give me your best shot
I understand how I might appear as an arrogant, selfish Englishman who expects everyone else to speak English.
I understand how it might be perceived as a lack of respect, laziness or stupidity.
I know I miss out on potential social and cultural life.
I know it’s inconvenient getting things done.
I understand all this, really I do. I’ve lived it for the last 15 years and I’m not proud of it.
BUT
I’m not going to defend myself or make excuses. I’ve been doing that for 15 years and I’m pretty much fed up with it.
Everyone is free to disagree with me, but please don’t judge me for it. I’ve spent a good part of the last 15 years judging myself for it, and I doubt there’s anything you could think about me that’s worse than what I thought about myself.
I don’t want to learn Polish. I enjoy the peacefulness of being able to tune out all the mundane conversations that go on around me. I like that when I express myself, I’m only struggling in my native language and not super-struggling in a second language.
The simple truth is that I choose not to learn Polish and, now, I’m very much at peace with my decision.
It’s really very liberating to be free of my self criticism and brow beating. The curious thing I noticed is that now I’m at peace with it myself, the attacks I sometimes get from others have no impact on me at all. They used to be like verbal bullets but now they are more like gifts.
I listen.
I understand how it is for them.
I empathise with their reaction.
At the same time I know this is my decision, this is my life and I don’t need to defend myself to anyone.
So there!
