Yesterday I spent four, mostly enjoyable, hours with a group of friends. One of the group started to share how difficult it was for her right now in relation to the economic situation. Over the last 10 years she’d built up a successful business and it looked as though the financial crisis was going to have a big impact on this and she was very uncertain about the future. This was very emotional for her and she started to cry and express her anger and deep frustration. I noticed that several of the group then jumped in with questions, advice, soothing words and words of encouragement. All this sympathy left me feeling uncomfortable and really wondering if this was the most effective or respectful way of dealing with her pain.
I think I noticed it because I respond in this same, sympathetic way – and I’m trying to change. It’s pretty much hard-wired into me to attempt to fix problems and to see strong emotions (those that are painful anyway) as a sign that there’s a problem to fix. So I poke around with a few questions to try to discover what’s wrong and then whip out my toolbox of helpful advice and wise words.
Isn’t pain, whether physical or emotional, a very real and essential human experience and doesn’t it deserve respect? When I’m giving sympathy I want to minimise it (“it’s not that bad”), make it go away (“if you do xxx, then everything will be right again”) or have my own pain recognised (“you think that’s bad? wait ’til you hear what happened to me ….!!!!!”). Other people’s pain troubles me and my instinct is to try to get it go away. Sympathy is usually for my benefit and not for the other person!
Don’t get me wrong – I like this very human instinct to want to ease someone else’s pain and I don’t want to change that compassionate side of me. I’ve experienced how devastating it can be for me when my children or family are suffering and I would do anything to alleviate that and take their pain away. It’s just that I’m not convinced that ’sympathy’ (advice or soothing words) is the best way to do it.
There’s another way that I’m trying to integrate into my hard-wiring that I’m finding much more effective and enjoyable! I’ve experienced a particular quality of attention from others (‘empathy’) and it really is a beautiful and healing gift to receive.
I notice it most clearly with Elena, my 5 year old. She falls over and grazes her knee (it happens a lot at this age) and I say, “Oh dear, poor you. Be more careful next time.”
You know what? …. it’s now worse, because not only is she still crying from the pain, but now she’s feeling embarrassed because she thinks she’s careless!
I want to find a different, empathic approach and it’s not so easy. She falls over and I just shut up and give respectful, non-judgemental space and attention to her. Her pain is real, it’s hers and it’s part of her experience as a living creature. I say a few words to show her that she has my attention and that I hear her pain, “I imagine that hurts?”. If the pain is not so clear (emotional pain?) then I try to guess what’s going on, but only to help her get a bit clearer about the feeling and the underlying need. I trust silence – full of care, love and respect – is enough and the pain she’s experiencing will melt away in a few moments.
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Nice to meet you here, Ian!
I experienced the same feelings, but my point of view is a little bit different.
To offer and obtain empathy we need a real experience, a piece of life shared. When a need is fulfilled a positive feeling appear. But what happen when a desire is not met? An angry, frustrated person, who claim that unmet desires make he/she unhappy, need sympathy rather empathy in order to justify his/her attitude.What you can do when you realise that the tears are born from an inauthentic need?
Can you write/share your thoughts about needs and desires, success and happiness?
Hi Rodica … these are HUGE questions
I love them!
My initial response … my feelings are always signals about something going on at a deeper level. The question is, how skilled am I at reading them?
If I’m feeling anger or frustration then somewhere there’s a need or a value not getting fulfilled – this is what I want to find.
These needs may be hidden, for example, by my attachment to ideas about ’success’ or my desires or expectations. So I want to bring those into my awareness, recognise them for what they are and look deeper to see what needs I am trying to meet.
My point in the post is that sympathy helps if I want to remove the pain and not look deeper at the roots. If I want to look deeper … then empathy is more likely to help.
Ian