You cannot make me happy.
Sorry to say, but it’s just not in your power, and I’m feeling really quite relieved about it.
An unappealing belief
Now before you switch channels in the expectation of the usual ‘make yourself happy’ advice, I ask you to consider for a moment how I might behave if I did believe you have that power.
First of all I’d want to make sure you like me enough to go out of your way to feed me some of that happiness. I’ll also want to keep you close so that I can get some whenever I want and, if I’m in a ’scarcity mood’, then I’ll want to make sure you don’t share some of this precious stuff with anyone else.
What might this look like?
- I’ll tell you only the things I think you want to hear and lie about or hide the other stuff
- I”ll try to get you to believe that you’re dependent on me
- I’ll use manipulation through threats, guilt or rewards to make sure you carry on playing the game
- I’ll keep my eye on you and try to restrict your freedom in case you get too far away
- I’ll get jealous if you show too much interest in anyone else
- I’ll get disappointed if you don’t live up to my expectations
- I’ll struggle to function effectively when you’re not around.
Doesn’t sound too appealing does it?
I don’t want to behave towards you in this way, and I don’t want any of these from you.
Yet these are many of the behaviours I’ve noticed in myself whenever I’ve put my happiness in the hands of someone else. Fortunately, it doesn’t happen too often these days but they do still surface from time to time. I’ve even been in relationships based on this way of being together, and needless to say they eventually crumbled and there was not a whole lot of real happiness in them.
A pervasive belief
This belief that other people can make me happy appears all around me. Turn on the TV, open a magazine, listen to people talk and I don’t have to go far to find it.
At the end of a romantic film I sometimes wonder what happens next, after the two protagonists have suffered in love and come through adversity to find each other. Do they really live happily ever after? Do they manage to overcome that delicious and painful period of romantic love and find a deeper, mutually rewarding kind of love?
I think the belief starts early in life for many of us, with our parents. As a parent myself I know how delighted and happy I am in relation to my children. I also know how challenging it is to guide them and nurture them, especially when they just won’t do what I want them to do. In those times it’s so easy for this belief to start to show itself.
“It will make me happy if you go to bed now/clean your room/eat your vegetables/turn out the way I want/________”
The other version is that I’ll be unhappy if they don’t do what I want!
The result is the same.
It lodges an idea that somehow they can make me happy – or unhappy and so my happiness is in their tiny hands. It creates a belief they are responsible for my emotional well-being.
How much unhappiness does this create in our world? How many people desperately and fruitlessly trying to make others happy? How many parents disappointed with their children who don’t visit or didn’t turn out the way they hoped for? How many relationships built on a foundation of dependency?
The good news
I read and hear many people say we need to develop pleasure in our own company and attend to our own happiness. I agree with this, but only up to a point. My happiness is either within me or it’s not, and the reality is that it comes and goes. You will always be a bystander, though sometimes you may get more actively involved.
We aren’t islands but are social creatures and many of the things we need fulfilled for our happiness are interconnected with others. Sharing, interacting, community, touch, sexual expression, belonging etc. are all things that are hard to nurture without other people.
The good news, I believe, is that it’s a fundamental characteristic of human beings to enjoy doing things for other people. The pleasure of contributing to someone’s well-being is enough motivation for me to want to do it as much as I can.
I don’t enjoy giving to others, though, when I’m not completely free to do so. That means when I’m free from your expectations, demands, obligation, manipulation or threats. When I release others from the responsibility to make me happy, I find I’m much more likely to develop joyful and fulfilling relationships.
So please, please stop making me happy and I’ll stop making you happy.
Then we can revel in the pleasure of each other’s company!
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Excellent post! Your bullet points sound so much like a domestic violence set-up/situation. Lately, myself, I’m into feeling the feelings and being responsible for my OWN feelings.
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Ian’s reply:
Or at the very least domestic unhappiness, even if it doesn’t necessarily get to the physically violent stage.
Ian,
This is totally unrelated to your post, which I enjoyed very much. As I prepared to write my comment, I happened to notice the lists of older posts and it reads like a slightly odd Haiku…
Being right
Feeding the wolves
Peeling off the labels
Do I have a problem with responsibility?
Perhaps the ending isn’t so great, but it is a interesting list. Oh, also I agree you about happiness. I promise not to try and make you happy (but i secretly hope you are):~)
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Ian’s reply:
The random post generator is maybe not so random! And I am happy, more of the time than not! I try not to keep it a secret but could for sure learn to express it better!
Ian,
I like the attention grabbing title, and the way you outlined how you would behaved if you wanted other people to make you happy. And I’m not going to even try to make you happy by telling you what a great attitude to life this is!
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Ian’s reply:
And I can assure you Daphne, that your comment didn’t make me happy in the least!
So thanks for not trying. LOL
BRILLIANT! Consider this a standing ovation.
Ian, thank you so much for being you.
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Ian’s reply:
And consider this a deep bow to your ovation!
Ahh yes how about the good ole, it is best for you, how the hell do you even know what is best for me?
I just want you to be happy, ok I will once you stop annoying me.
Sorry just wanted to rant on too.
I totally agree with Ian on this one, people need to piss off and get on with their lives.
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Ian’s reply:
Well, we grow up with many people thinking they know what’s best for us. I wonder at what point it becomes annoying, as I’m sure we’ve all experienced that it does.
I echo your sentiment, though I’d prefer if my dear readers stay around and spend a part of their lives over here in my company. It’s just more fun to have company!
Hi Ian,
I enjoyed this post so much and it made me laugh which is always appreciated. You raise many wonderful points.
Just know that I am enjoying the pleasure of your company, although you are thousands of miles away from me!
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Ian’s reply:
Nadia, the feeling is mutual, between our two little virtual worlds.
Ian, the only thing a human being truly knows deep down is how to love. This means being happy is an innate characteristic. Even if part of the psyche convinces a person he is not happy, reality beneath that does not change. You are pleasure and it will never let you go. One can only deny reality for so long until it finds you.
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Ian’s reply:
I like this. ‘One can only deny reality for so long until it finds you’. Thanks Liara. Wise words as usual.
Ian,
I believe that if you are sufficiently happy within yourself, then you CAN affect others with your happiness. Not because it is necessarily in your power, but because it is in the nature of happiness itself.
True happiness after all is magnetic and infectious.
In the same way that you can touch someone cold and warm them with your body heat, you CAN also touch someone sad and infect them with your happiness. Indeed, the smiles, laughs and charm that radiate from true happiness are highly attractive and contagious.
I think it would be inhuman to share proximity with such happiness and to remain unmoved by it. So I argue that you COULD make me happy by radiating true happiness yourself.
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Ian’s reply:
I do agree that happiness (as well as unhappiness!) does pass between us and we have the power to change the mood of someone. What I’m wary against is creating a dependency out of this as it takes the pleasure and joy out of it. And I do see many people touched in this way become ‘happiness parasites’ and feed off others without finding it in themselves.
It is a rare person indeed who can sustain their own happiness when surrounded by such parasitic behaviour.
Great article Ian. I definitely think the pursuit of happiness has led many people to strive for finding that in other people, other experiences and other material possessions. It leads only down a path of even depend longing and dependency instead of finding it in ourselves and offering what we can without expectation. Great stuff!
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Ian’s reply:
I think we can find happiness in relation to other people, things etc.. but only once we’ve moved passed being dependent on getting it from outside. Thanks Mike
Thanks for sharing. Putting so much weight on “the other” is in fact the shortest path to being completely and thouroughly unhappy.
Really, really good point here
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Ian’s reply:
Nicely and succinctly put! Putting weight of any kind on another human being is not the route to happiness. Unfortunately there are many people willing to carry that weight and so it’s not always easy to learn. If we were surrounded by people who won’t take that weight then we learn much faster.
I totally want you to be very happy, I just don’t want to be the one responsible for it. And believe me, you just can’t make me happy, it will just never be right. sorry.
I have been on both sides of each and every bullet point in your scenario and I don’t like either side.
I am completely happy with spending lots of time with myself and of course I like spending time with others as well.
I am thinking there are a good many people that need to reflect on this so I believe I will give this post a little stumble.
Great thoughts as usual Ian.
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Ian’s reply:
Thanks Dee! And thanks for the stumble and the link love on your site
I think that’s the route to a fulfilled life, getting balance between time enjoyed on your own and time enjoyed with other people.
[...] Stop making me happy! [...]
Ian, we enjoyed your article very much. Happiness is a state of mind and if we don’t control our minds, who does? We are the happy window cleaners and our crew is happy or they fake it. That’s the rule. Fake it and it will come. It’s all in the mind and to release your mind to do its own thing is irresponsible. We CAN make ourselves be happy. We cannot make others happy. I am a truly happy person almost always, I just am and that’s it. I have had so many people over the years get mad at me for being happy all the time. Get over it! I am what I am, and I’m an inherently happy person. Enjoyed your blog, Ian. LAL
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Ian’s reply:
Welcome and glad you enjoy the site! I think happiness is a choice and a habit. There are many people who make the choice to be happy almost always and it sounds as though you are one of those people. Too bad some people can’t enjoy that and get mad at you. Their loss I imagine!
Very insightful, Ian
I do believe that happiness is a personal state of mind, so it’s in our own hands. Nevertheless, we are not alone and living in a network of social relations so sharing this happiness with other is something normal yet it depends on whom you share with!
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Ian’s reply:
Thanks for the comment, Hicham. For sure there are some people it’s more fun to share the planet with!
This, my friend, is an awesome post!! This is a realization that I had to come to terms with in my last relationship. I tried so hard to make her happy, and I came dangerously close to losing myself in the process. Eventually, I had to tell myself (remind myself, actually, this is a lesson I had learned once upon a time, but forgot) that her happiness wasn’t my responsibility, and if people are just determined to be unhappy, there’s nothing we can do about it. Thank you for writing this lesson in such an entertaining and useful way!
My guess is that most of us have been down that route only to find it’s a dead end. I really appreciate the comment and hearing a little about your story!