Stop making me angry!

When I feel really angry I have an impression my body is too small to hold it and I might burst. I don’t enjoy the sensation but I can’t deny it’s a very real and powerful experience. Anger can so easily lead to violence if, instead of using it effectively, I allow it to use me.

Learning how to harness my anger is a skill I’m learning and, I believe, important for a nonviolent lifestyle.

We all develop our own ways to manage the adrenalin and stirred up passion that comes as part of the anger package. I was raised to believe that ‘nice people don’t get angry’ so my approach, for many years, was to suppress it whenever anger reared its head.  The problem, of course, is that we all feel anger sometimes and internalising it turns the violence in on myself and stores up all manner of health and psychological problems.

Another  approach is to give full and violent expression to my anger. Losing my temper in this way has happened to me (that’s how it feels anyway!) a few times in my life  and many people say they feel just great after this. Well, a build-up of pressure feels uncomfortable and release feels good, like having a full bladder! My problem is this kind of carthartic explosion tends to damage those around me and I feel terrible about it afterwards.

How can I use anger peacefully and effectively?

Step 1    Stop! and read the signs

“Seeing red with anger”

• Pause
• Acknowledge anger as a friend
• Own my anger

Being emotionally intelligent includes being skilled at recognising and accurately reading emotional signs and not allowing them to blind me. Usually a deep breath or two gives me the pause I need to welcome anger.

Anger, as all emotions, is a friend and a signal that something’s up and requires attention. Usually anger warns me an external event is not in harmony with my values and it gives me an energy boost to allow action. Chances are I have a few seconds, maybe longer, to decide what to do about the situation.

A common misreading of the signal is to believe someone is at fault and is making me angry. No-one makes me angry. No-one has the power to force any emotional state or sensation onto me. It is as much about my own values as it is about the actions or inactions of someone else.

2   Open up my brain

“Blinded by anger”

• Examine my thinking

When I’m angry my thinking is chaotic, cloudy and exaggerated. Have you ever felt furious on reading an unpleasant  mail only to come back to it the next day and wonder why you were so riled up?

When I stop for a few seconds and have a quick review of the words jumbling around in my head, I find many such as ‘Should not’, “Can’t”, “Wrong”, “Bad” all directed at the object of my anger. My own judgemental thoughts are fuelling, maybe even triggering, my fury and pointing it at a person or even an inanimate object. The actions of others are not always innocent or well intentioned, but my anger tends to add that particular veneer, even when it’s not there. The less I see the human being in the other, the more likely I react violently.

I’m not trying to change my thinking, just straighten out the confused mess. By observing my thoughts for a moment, they stop controlling me and I take back control. In doing so, I notice the intensity of the anger softening a little and I create more space for peaceful action.

3   Identify what’s REALLY going on

“How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it.” Marcus Aurelius

• What are the external, unfiltered facts?
• Which values of mine are crying out?
• What possibilities do I have for immediate action?

Before responding to my anger’s call for action I find it sensible to make sure I know what’s really going on – externally and internally.

I find the following questions helpful:

a)  What would a video camera record if it was filming the situation I’m immersed in?

b)  How would an observer, with no interest in the matter, describe what’s going on?

c)  What values or deep principles of mine are being violated – expressed in single words or short phrases (security? peace? respect? understanding? freedom? etc.)?

d)  What values or principles of the other person might be being violated?

e)  What do I want to happen (ideally at least 3 different options)?

As I ask myself these questions I often find the anger transforms into something else such as fear, disappointment, frustration or confusion. These are less intense and easier to harness but I can still keep the passion.

4   Communicate my intentions peacefully!

“Speak when you are angry–and you will make the best speech you’ll ever regret.” Laurence J. Peter

• Check my intention
• Choose my action carefully
• Communicate what I want to happen or protect myself (or others)

Nothing requires me to say or do anything, although the energy of anger can be pretty irresistible. First I check that my intention is peaceful. If there is any desire to hurt the other, I go back to the previous steps until the desire has gone and give it the time it needs.

Once I’m clear about my peaceful intention I then decide whether to protect (using force or escape) and what to say.

I want to choose my words carefully to avoid judgement, criticism or any form of attack (I’ll probably get the same back) and clearly request what I want to happen. A request NOT to do something leaves room for interpretation about what I do want, so I avoid that. Also a wish for the future lacks immediacy, so I put the request in the present moment.

My anger gives my message a kick so that it’s much more likely I’m going to be taken seriously.

5    Developing the new habit

• Reflect regularly

At the risk of stating the blindingly obvious, a change requires doing something differently.My response to anger comes from a habit that’s developed through my whole life and I’ve not yet found a way to change overnight. An ingrained habit such as my anger strategy probably requires a bit of patient poking – like trying to remove a deeply embedded splinter.

If you choose to follow some or all of the steps above I advise patience!

As a first step you might use the approach to analyse and pull apart a recent situation where you felt angry. Make a commitment that every time you feel angry, over the next two weeks, you’ll pick that apart too – once you’ve calmed down. The more frequently you look the easier you’ll find it t0o see.

After a few situations you’ll notice the cool off period gets shorter until eventually you don’t need a cool off period at all. You’ll find you are catching the anger early and dealing with it as it arises. With practice you’ve befriended your anger and it’s stopped controlling you.

Now you are in control of it and have a powerful tool in your hands.

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