Comments on: Sticks and stones

By: Labor Day Weekend – Summer Sendoff | Bunny got Blog

Labor Day Weekend – Summer Sendoff | Bunny got Blog — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 00:31:36 +0000

[...] Sticks and Stones [...]

By: ianpeatey

ianpeatey — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 04:40:58 +0000

@Chris – I find those people I’m most vulnerable to attacks from are those closest to me. In fact I sometimes hear an attack even when there is none. Maybe it’s because they know me so well, and that includes the self image I have v the real me, so somehow they can easily push buttons. Of course, those are the really important buttons and my reaction when I hear an attack is an important signal that I still have some work to do on myself.

@Carmit – welcome to the blog and thanks for the comment. I love that mental picture of someone carrying around an arena on their back … and very true!

By: Carmit

Carmit — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 09:13:22 +0000

I find that staying out of the arena can be difficult if the other person insists to follow you wherever you go carrying the arena on their back. Otherwise it’s a very useful tactic

By: Chris Edgar | Purpose Power Coaching

Chris Edgar | Purpose Power Coaching — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 19:50:46 +0000

Thanks Ian. This is definitely in keeping with an issue I’ve been exploring in my own life. What I have begun to suspect is that, whenever I tense up inside in response to something that someone has said, I’m treating what that person said as a threat to my survival. But of course it is not — it is only a threat to the extent that I am identified with maintaining a certain image of myself in others’ eyes. In fact, in nearly 100% of the incidents when this has happened, there has been no physical threat to me at all.

By: ianpeatey

ianpeatey — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 09:00:58 +0000

Jay – I think we’re all learning this one! I can’t say I’m an expert, either, but I do get better. I also notice that the times when I actually perceive an attack get less and less, and it so it gets much easier. There are still a few people in my life though that I hear an attack whatever they say. Still some work to do there!

Bunny – I hadn’t thought about it being different compared to outside work, so thanks for that! I guess the importance of the relationships is a key factor on how we respond.

Lisis – Sounds like a very healthy approach. Some people seem to find it easier than others.

Sue – Great to see you again Sue! It’s interesting how friends can often see things in front of our noses more clearly than we can. I guess some people are in some kind of pain and choose to shout it out on someone else. By responding we can sometimes just encourage that, even if its not very healthy for either of us.

By: Sue

Sue — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 16:44:56 +0000

Great post, Ian. When I was waking up to verbal abuse in my life, it took a friend to point this out to me, that I don’t have to defend myself to insults being hurled at me. In effect, I don’t have to enter the arena. I discovered eventually that the perpetrator just wanted to yell. Never mattered what I said. Great learning lessons for me.

By: Lisis

Lisis — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 14:54:16 +0000

I’ve always been pretty good at staying out of the arena… choosing not to engage. I guess I feel that if a person is being mean to me it has more to do with THEM than with me. THEY are in a crappy spiritual place and don’t know how to handle it in a healthy and productive way. So if I “fought back”, I would only be making their situation worse.

It’s the proverbial “turning the other cheek”, I suppose, which can only be done with patience and compassion.

By: BunnygotBlog

BunnygotBlog — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 14:18:20 +0000

Great advice Ian, I have to say with work I am fine with staying out of the arena. Most criticism is constructive and useful.

On a personal level I feel insults are only made when people are upset over something and want to have your company. This is when silence is golden.