A very angry man interrupted one of the Buddha’s lectures and proceeded to verbally abuse him by hurling insults. The Buddha just sat there calmly. Finally the man asked the Buddha why he failed to respond to the insults and abuse.
The Buddha replied, “If someone offers you a gift, and you decline to accept it, to whom does the gift belong?”
The man replied, “To the one who offered it.”
Buddha responded, “Then I decline your abuse and request you keep it for yourself.”
Conditioned to respond
One of the things the Buddha did in this story was to challenge our conditioned responses. The man expected a response to his provocations. After all, if someone insults you then you have to respond in some way.
Don’t you?
But who said we have to respond when we’re insulted?
I often work with groups of business people and one of the tasks I set is to ask them to give feedback to each other. Often the feedback is critical in some way but we work hard to express it in a constructive way. More often than not the feedback is very helpful and sensitive.
Despite the fact it never even gets close to ‘verbal abuse’, the recipient of the feedback almost always feels some impulse to respond, explain, defend or justify. They get the point eventually, but at the start they have a hard time to take the feedback as a gift and to see they have a choice about whether to accept it or not.
Somehow we learn to respond to anything that sounds like an attack and we’ll each have our default setting we revert to.
1 Take up arms in the arena
My own default setting is to jump into the arena and verbally attack back. It’s based on a belief that this protects me by a show of strength. But in many cases the opposite happens and I end up in an argument or even a fight. I’m embarrassed to remember the numerous times I’ve got into an escalating argument by responding to insults, verbal attacks or criticism.
Sometimes it serves a purpose but mostly it’s a waste of energy. And even more, each time I ran the risk of it turning into something more serious.
I heard from someone involved in police training (and I’m sorry that I don’t have any evidence to back this up) that 90% of cases of physical violence are preceded by some sort of verbal violence.
2 The arena doormat
Another common response is to take it silently on the chin. I stay in the arena and allow the other person to mop the floor with me. I soak up the verbal attack in the hope that they’ll eventually stop and leave me alone. Maybe I even start to believe some of the insults and that I deserve them.
3 Stay out of the arena
The Buddha’s response in the story shows a third way – to simply decline to enter the arena. He explicitly left his attacker alone in the arena. He could perhaps have added how he was reacting to the outburst of anger, though I’m certain he had very good reasons why he didn’t say more than he did.
Choosing consciously
I believe each response has its place but each situation is unique so demands a fresh choice. A first step to making better choices might be to raise my awareness of how I habitually react.
1 Give myself space to check what’s going on:
- In my body – where in my body do I feel something as a result of this? What do I feel?
- In my emotions – what am I feeling? which emotion is shouting loudest?
- In my head – what words are forming in my head as a response?
2 They want to communicate something:
- Putting aside their poor communication skills – what might they be trying to communicate?
- Do I have the time and energy to hear what they want to say?
- Putting aside my poor listening skills – is there potentially something useful for me to hear?
- Keeping things in their rightful place – is this really anything to do with me?
3 My personal safety:
- This is my number one priority – which response is likely to be the safest for me?
- Which response is likely to make the situation worse?
I can choose a conscious response even when the verbal attack represents a significant threat to my safety – be it some form of regular harassment (at home, school or work?) or a potential attack by strangers. In fact, in these cases, I suggest a conscious choice is much wiser than relying on an automatic response.
Footnote
Thanks to Lea at Ocean of Perspectives for the Buddha story and inspiration for the article.
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I’ve only recently begun to apply the “stay out of the arena” philosophy in my life, and so I’m not an expert yet, but I can attest to the fact that it feels sooooo much better than the other two options! It truly is amazing, to step outside of the situation, look at the other person with love and kindness, and realize that their attacks are an expression of their own pain and suffering.
Like i said, I’m not an expert yet, and so I still find myself stepping into the arena from time to time. I’m hoping that I’ll get better with practice and experience, and one day, I can even avoid the entire neighborhood of the arena
Great advice Ian, I have to say with work I am fine with staying out of the arena. Most criticism is constructive and useful.
On a personal level I feel insults are only made when people are upset over something and want to have your company. This is when silence is golden.
I’ve always been pretty good at staying out of the arena… choosing not to engage. I guess I feel that if a person is being mean to me it has more to do with THEM than with me. THEY are in a crappy spiritual place and don’t know how to handle it in a healthy and productive way. So if I “fought back”, I would only be making their situation worse.
It’s the proverbial “turning the other cheek”, I suppose, which can only be done with patience and compassion.
Great post, Ian. When I was waking up to verbal abuse in my life, it took a friend to point this out to me, that I don’t have to defend myself to insults being hurled at me. In effect, I don’t have to enter the arena. I discovered eventually that the perpetrator just wanted to yell. Never mattered what I said. Great learning lessons for me.
Jay – I think we’re all learning this one! I can’t say I’m an expert, either, but I do get better. I also notice that the times when I actually perceive an attack get less and less, and it so it gets much easier. There are still a few people in my life though that I hear an attack whatever they say. Still some work to do there!
Bunny – I hadn’t thought about it being different compared to outside work, so thanks for that! I guess the importance of the relationships is a key factor on how we respond.
Lisis – Sounds like a very healthy approach. Some people seem to find it easier than others.
Sue – Great to see you again Sue! It’s interesting how friends can often see things in front of our noses more clearly than we can. I guess some people are in some kind of pain and choose to shout it out on someone else. By responding we can sometimes just encourage that, even if its not very healthy for either of us.
Thanks Ian. This is definitely in keeping with an issue I’ve been exploring in my own life. What I have begun to suspect is that, whenever I tense up inside in response to something that someone has said, I’m treating what that person said as a threat to my survival. But of course it is not — it is only a threat to the extent that I am identified with maintaining a certain image of myself in others’ eyes. In fact, in nearly 100% of the incidents when this has happened, there has been no physical threat to me at all.
I find that staying out of the arena can be difficult if the other person insists to follow you wherever you go carrying the arena on their back. Otherwise it’s a very useful tactic
@Chris – I find those people I’m most vulnerable to attacks from are those closest to me. In fact I sometimes hear an attack even when there is none. Maybe it’s because they know me so well, and that includes the self image I have v the real me, so somehow they can easily push buttons. Of course, those are the really important buttons and my reaction when I hear an attack is an important signal that I still have some work to do on myself.
@Carmit – welcome to the blog and thanks for the comment. I love that mental picture of someone carrying around an arena on their back … and very true!
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