Nonviolent Communication (NVC)

I’m a huge fan of this method that I first came across in 2001. I was at a conference in the United Kingdom and Marshall Rosenberg, the developer of the approach, was a keynote speaker. As it was a keynote I didn’t pay too much attention to the title of the session and, if I had, then I probably would have been discouraged by the name ‘Nonviolent Communication’. To my mind, it’s not too appealing. Since then I’ve been trying to find a better name for it, and failed to find one that better describes it. I guess Marshall knew what he was he doing, after all!

It’s probably best known in conflict resolution, having ’seen action’ in many of the war and conflict zones of the last 30 years or so. It’s also widely known in the education world where there are many schools founded on the principles of the method (sometimes known as ‘Giraffe Schools’). As it’s become better known over the years, I’ve come across it in businesses, government administrations, peace organisations, communities and families.

Of all the different approaches and methods I’ve learned about, this one inspired me more than most. It got me interested in nonviolence, spirituality, social change and many other things. So much so I decided to not only use it in my day to day life, but also to run workshops in it. Since then it’s made a huge difference to the quality of my relationships, the way I relate to my children, my work and life in general. Plus I’ve met many wonderful people through my involvement in it. What more could I ask for?

NVC in a ‘nutshell’!

NVC works with the paradox that, as a human being, I’m the same as every one else and I’m uniquely different. NVC helps me focus on what connects me to everyone else whilst acknowledging my individuality. It offers a view of the world where similarities and connections are equally important to differences.

Purpose and aim

It’s purpose is to care for everyone’s needs equally and to find peaceful ways of getting our needs met. It works on the obvious (but often difficult) idea that I’m more likely to get my needs met when I have mutual understanding and respect with those around me. It develops the two key skills of honest expression and empathic listening.

Method

There are four areas of focus:

1. OBSERVATION - making distinctions between what is actually happening versus my interpretation. It’s based on the idea that when I judge, evaluate, criticise or blame (or respond if I hear that from you) then it makes it harder to get the mutual respect and understanding I’m looking for.
2. FEELINGS - taking responsibility for my feelings and emotions and seeing them as important signals that something is going on inside me (needs). I don’t give my power away by imagining that I’m causing your feelings or that you are causing mine.
3. NEEDS - discovering the essence alive in me and in you. ‘Needs’ is the set of values (or forces) defining us as human beings. They are our point of connection and I have many ways to meet my needs (’strategies’). The more attached I am to strategies, the more conflict I’m likely to generate.
4. REQUESTS - clearly asking for what will meet my current needs without use of threats, rewards, guilt, manipulation or any form of coercion.

Further resources

If you want to find out more about the method or the organisations promoting it, you might want to look at the following:

• Center for Nonviolent Communication -- website

• Book -- Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg

Here’s a video of Marshall giving a short introduction to the method:

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