If you are living your life and I am mentally living your life, who is here living mine?
We’re both over there.
Being mentally in your business keeps me from being present in my own. I am separate from myself, wondering why my life doesn’t work.
To think that I know what’s best for anyone else is to be out of my business. Even in the name of love, it is pure arrogance, and the result is tension, anxiety and fear. Do I know what’s right for myself? That is my only business. Let me work with that before I try to solve your problems for you.
Byron Katie – ‘Loving What Is
All of us are wonderfully imperfect.
No-one knows everything, everyone makes mistakes, has blemishes, things they’re not good at. We all struggle with certain things and do and say things that drive others crazy. Yet each of us is living our life the best we can – sometimes struggling, sometimes flowing.
I find so much beauty and humanity in this. It’s also quite a relief to accept this about myself.
That’s not to say that I’m not always learning, striving to improve, taking responsibility. It’s just that choosing to accept my humanity is a far more enjoyable and liberating way to live than not accepting it and beating myself up.
When I apply this to the people around me then I can accept and love everyone for the imperfect creatures they are, or I can complain and try to change them (or hope they’ll change without me doing anything). I can mind my own business or I can put myself into the business of others.
We’re not alone
Minding my own business, though, is not living as an island.
I can do that, of course. I could cut myself off from the rest of the world but I imagine that’s a lonely life and potentially without much meaning. Certainly losing all interaction would remove a lot of fun, warmth and sharing, among other things I could mention.
Minding my own business while interacting with others can be a real challenge. Drawing the boundaries and deciding when to get involved and when to keep out can be fun, and can be a minefield.
Count me into your business if you want a friend, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to celebrate with. I’ll get involved if you want some guidance or ideas about what to do or a non-judgemental ear to listen to you. Or maybe just to share some time together, telling stories, laughing or simply enjoying the silence.
Count me out of your business if you want to play the victim. If you want someone to listen and agree to your complaints, judgements or moralising. If you want someone to take responsibility for your life and solve your problems for you.
Knight (or knight-ess) in shining armour
Many of us like to be saviours, riding into the fray on our white steed, wielding our sword of righteousness and words of wisdom to hand. I like to solve problems for others, right wrongs and generally save the world from the forces trying to destroy it!
I’ve learned that it’s usually a good idea to first look at my own business before getting on that shining horse. I’ve found many times that underneath my gleaming armour sits a hypocrite! Chances are I can find some way my actions (or inactions) are creating, or at least contributing to the situation.
Before I embark on a crusade against XXXXX (insert your own favourite cause) I might want to look at my role in it.
Before I jump on the climate change campaign, I might just want to check how I’m contributing (directly and indirectly) to pollution.
Before I tackle racism in the local school, I might want to have a look at dealing with how my own racism manifests.
And before I jump into giving you advice about to make your life better, I might want to … well, there’s a lot of work there, before I can start on you!
There are times, though, when I do need to speak up or take action – when people, through intent or ignorance, hurt us or others. In these situations, sitting back and doing nothing not an option and if I wait until I’m perfect before I intervene then I may never do anything.
Minding my own business does sometimes mean getting involved in your business. It’s about listening to my reaction – the pain, the fear, the outrage. It’s about protecting myself and others. If I have enough power then I might use force to intervene – or, if not, then I might attempt to get those with greater power to intervene.
But if I’m judging, blaming, criticising or punishing then I’m in your business and, as Byron Katie
Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
Matthew 7:3
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Wow, this is a great post! I was sucked in immediately by the Katie quote (love that book!) and when I read this: “I’ve learned that it’s usually a good idea to first look at my own business before getting on that shining horse” I was definitely wowed. That’s SO true and I need to remind myself of that!
Glad to hear you’re a Byron Katie fan!
Very powerful post, my friend, and oh so true. I used to have a HUGE problem with this, and while I’ve been working on it diligently for the past few months, it still rears it’s ugly head from time to time, and I have to squash it like a bug. I have found that a good 75-80% of the stress in my life is a direct result of minding other people’s business instead of my own. As I’ve stopped doing it more and more, I’ve experienced less and less stress.
Jay, sounds like you’re one step ahead of me! I’m still often in other people’s business!
I enjoyed this post and it fully resonates with my experience of life. However, I just want to reassure you that there’s no need to worry – as in your last sentence – who is looking after you. You see, it is me and many more around, who, by lovingly judging, blaming and diagnosing YOU, are making sure you will not vanish gently into this good night, no, we will keep you very much alive while you stick your nose in our business, so fear not, my friend, fear not. You are being taken care of!
I’m breathing more easily, my friend! Just hearing that you’re looking out for me with a critical eye is so reassuring
Thanks for this. What I’m working on right now is keeping in mind that the healing work I do is, at least partly, coming from a desire to heal myself — rather than coming from a place of “I’ve done it, now let me teach you how to do it.” This definitely keeps me grounded and out of “shining knight” mode.
Thanks Chris. I think this is important for those of us in coaching/facilitating/teaching jobs to be really clear of our motivations. It can be very easy to get sucked into other people’s business more than they are actually asking for.
Yay! You can get all up in my business, Ian, ’cause I always need a friend, a shoulder to cry on, and someone to celebrate with. So don’t you worry… I’ll head over to Poland and live your life for you. That’s what friends are for, right?
Absolutely! See you soon then?
Lisis, I absolutely forbid you to go to Poland, unless you take me with you, cause I need *you* for a friend, a shoulder to cry on, and someone to celebrate with!
How about you and Lisis BOTH come to visit me in Poland? Or Romania? Either works for me.
That works for me! We need to get our Little Miss Sunshine her pilot’s license, and then we’ll take a road, err sky trip!
OK, First: I already HAVE a pilot’s licence… what I’m lacking is a plane!!
And, Second: Count me in for a friendly reunion in Poland and/ or Romania… or anywhere else for that matter. I’d go anywhere with you two!
So it’s all set. All we need now is a plane! Anyone reading this got a spare plane they could donate or lend? Preferably one that’s got a fuel tank big enough to get across the Atlantic!
Minding our own business is the cornerstone to building community. Friendships are based on a foundation of emotional safety, which is nurtured by trust.
Excellent points!
I am up for the party and too met all new friends. I loved your post, Ian.
We need each other and standing alone is no fun when you have a world filled with beautiful people.
I’m sure Lisis and Jay have room in their plane … and I, for one, would just love to have you join the party.
Hey Ian, what a refreshing article, so grounded and balanced. Acceptance is truly liberating.
Jonathan, I take ‘grounded and balanced’ as a real compliment – especially coming from you, one of the most grounded and balanced writers around!
I think this is a splendid article.
However, I’d have to disagree slightly.
I think “live and let live” is a great way to live.
However, aligning your actions and thoughts with the greater good is in my opinion the more fulfilling way to live.
Have you ever experienced something similar?
Nazim, a very warm welcome to you!
I’m not sure where the disagreement is, perhaps it was so slight that it passed over my head
I have had several such experiences where I’m aligned with the ‘greater good’ as you put it, and it certainly is fulfilling. I see this as entirely compatible with looking after my own business first. I’ve found it hard to get fully aligned until I’ve looked inside. That way I’m clearer and have access to more of my own energy.
Hi Ian,
What a great read today. It’s so easy to see the “wrongs” of the world, and completely ignore the “wrongs’ of our very own world. So good to think about, and what that means when I view something with a critical eye…who am I to judge?
Great to see you Lance, and thanks for leaving a comment.