It’s all too easy to get sucked into the small day to day things that go on around me and, without even doing anything, add to the violence. How do I do this? When I judge people and fail to see the humanity in the people I pass in the street, on the bus, in the shop. I confess this happens so often that it becomes unnoticed unless I take the time to reflect and examine how I’m reacting.
Yesterday I was sitting on a busy train in Brussels. When the ticket inspector came through he told the lady opposite (a visitor to Belgium) that she didn’t have a valid ticket and had to pay. She insisted her ticket was valid and refused to pay. He said she’d broken the rules and they started to argue. The train pulled into the station, he grabbed her ticket and said he was going for the police. She shouted that he couldn’t treat people this way, stayed in her seat and read her paper. A few minutes later he gave her validated ticket back and told he was letting her off but next time she had to follow the rules. She thanked him politely and got off at the next station. I imagine neither of them enjoyed the exchange though he seemed to more than she did!
Now the curious thing is how I was reacting to all this as an observer. I was listening intently, saying nothing, avoiding eye contact and my head was filled with judgements about both of them. I was thinking what a ‘jumped up little Hitler’ this man was and how he was ‘bad tempered because he was working on a Sunday night’. He was ‘inflexible, arrogant and wanting to demonstrate his importance’. She on the other hand was ’stupid, naive, deserved to be interrogated by the police’. She was ‘weak and crazy to apologise to this man’.
Wow! What a story out of virtually nothing. Not getting involved was probably the best thing to do. With my energy and judgements about them I would surely have made the situation worse. Even without getting involved I added to the violence – by believing that my story was right! It was there, alive in me and I took it home. Now I realise how often I do this. I pass people by, either without noticing them or creating a whole fiction about them based on virtually nothing.
I don’t think I’ll eliminate these judgements but I can take the violence away by seeing them as stories of my own creation. If I’d done that last night I might have seen them as two human beings trying, as best they could, to look after themselves. I might have seen him as valuing fairness, wanting to do meaningful work, needing respect and understanding. I might have seen her as wanting to be understood, needing recognition and care.
I’m pretty sure they didn’t see those things in each other – and neither did I.
Next time I might.
Similar Posts:
- Protecting our children
- Top 8 Taboo Words
- Talking behind your back
- What makes sense and what does not
- Sticks and stones
- Success: I received an award and other celebrations
a most interesting posting—-sometime its best not to get involved, but then again, had both parties been trying to find common ground to resolve the issue, a third party might have been helpful. Welcome to the Bloggeries—-
Welcome and many thanks! I agree, and I think the only way I can be of any help as a third party is when I’ve put all my own reactions and judgements to one side. And … it’s not easy to stick your nose into someone else’s fight without getting it broken. That is a real art to skillfully interfere … there’s an idea for a future post. Thanks again and hope to see you back here. Ian
[...] Making up stories [...]
I have seen, many times, a third party who gets involved in an argument ending up as the victim instead. Especially if the argument is in the brink of violence or has already turned violent. From where I come from, the advice is to notify local authorities immediately and try not to be involved. But with the police so notoriously known to arrive late at the scene, most people can’t help but get in the way. That’s why the rates of 3rd party victims remains high in my place.
So I guess I agree that the art of skillful interference would be an interesting post. Looking forward to it.
__________
Ian’s reply:
Ooooo .. thanks for the reminder. I’d forgotten about that follow-up .. adding it to my list of future posts right away !