We’ve lost many of the rituals and rites of passage that marked important transitions. One we’ve thankfully retained is celebrating the change from one year to the next. It can be easy to forget, though, as we party and toast the New Year that to move forward we have to let go of some of what has gone before or we risk getting tied down by the threads of our past.
Life is like a circus trapeze act. Imagine the acrobat, the bar gripped firmly in her hands. Ahead is the bar she needs to grab onto. That bar ahead is the future and the graceful, effortless flight from one bar to the next is the acrobat’s purpose, her reason for being.
One crucial thing has to happen before flying through the air and safely arriving on the next bar.
She has to let go of the bar she currently holds.
So in life.
We have to let go before we can move forward.
Letting Go Is Not Always Easy
I’ve not yet flown on a trapeze but I imagine one thing the acrobat needs to deal with is fear of letting go.
That fear is understandable.
What is in my grasp is familiar and safe and, no matter how attractive the way ahead, I fear a fall. No matter how painful it is where I am, letting go comes with uncertainty. Will the change be better or worse? Will I manage to hold on? Will I cope?
I believe understanding and releasing what holds me back is crucial to live a full and successful life – and there’s no time like the present for doing it.
We hold on to … PEOPLE
Not one of us is entirely alone. Some have huge circles of family, friends and acquaintances, while others have very few people around. Some of those relationships have been with us for many years and some are new. Each one of them serves some purpose in our lives – to give us love, belonging, learning, friendship, partnership or just fun.
Mourning is widely recognised as an important process when someone dies, when a relationship breaks down or when someone moves away. Even though it can be very hard when they leave, we somehow recognise the importance of letting go when the relationship end is outside our control.
But what about those people who are still in our lives and hold us back in some way?
Those who criticise our choices and are always looking for fault (some ‘friends’ or members of the family, perhaps?). Those we’ve known for ever and the only thing holding us together are memories of a distant past (old friends?). Those with whom we are ‘unnaturally’ dependent (grown up children? parents?). Or perhaps just those we don’t enjoy any more and somehow still keep meeting them.
Who is holding you back in some way? Who are you holding onto?
It’s probably time to update the relationship with an honest heart to heart and either change something or leave them – with gratitude for what they brought to you.
We hold on to … MEMORIES
Great things happen to all of us. Terrible things do too.
That’s life.
Often we hold onto the past long after the events have finished. We get nostalgic for our memories of better days and we get triggered into pain or anger by memories of things we’d prefer to forget.
The past is dead – but not buried for as long as we keep it alive in our memory. And as with all things that are dead, memories decompose and fester.
The good memories take on a sweet, rose coloured decay and, while they may be comforting in difficult moments, they are dead and gone. They stop us living our lives here and now. They make it harder to deal with the challenges of today because our energy is sucked into regret for the lost times that have been.
And the bad memories get relived over and over in our minds, bring us down and rot our hearts. They also stop us living our lives here and now. They keep us stuck in anger at the things that, in a just and loving world, should not have occurred. The reality is that they did happen – just we haven’t buried them yet.
What memories are you holding onto? What unburied things do you keep alive in your memory?
Perhaps it’s time to let them go and move on? Release them by talking to someone or maybe writing them down and burning the paper. It may not happen overnight but take a first step.
We hold on to … THINGS
Unless you’re a naked hermit living in a cave and off the land you’ve probably accumulated a few material possessions. Perhaps even a lot of them.
Of course we need some physical things to support our lives, for convenience or because they look good. I’m certainly not advocating removing everything. I am advocating being honest with ourselves about what things hold us back from making the next move in our lives.
Maybe it’s our home and the mortgage attached to it? Investments where we’re often checking the share prices? Furniture that we inherited? Or perhaps small things, such as gifts or paintings by the kids, that represent old memories?
Each thing we possess needs a certain amount of maintenance – repairs, cleaning, painting, servicing, etc..
But there’s also emotional maintenance we invest in these objects. The resignation (or delight?) that we’re stuck in this house for the next 24 years of mortgage payments. The pride as we show off our child’s prize drawing from 18 years ago. The worry that grandma’s antique table will get scratched every time someone visits.
I sometimes imagine everything I own is attached to me by an invisible thread. Some threads are thick and strong, while others are thin and easily broken. Individually, each thread is manageable and doesn’t hold me back in any significant way. Collectively, if I allow it, they tangle me up and tie me down.
What things hold you back?
Now’s a good time to let go of some of the things that weigh you down and hold you back. Sell them, give them away or discard them. Put them into storage if you really can’t face letting them go – but make that first move.
We hold on to … DREAMS
Personally I believe it’s our hopes and dreams that give us fuel to create great things in our world. Our dreams of how things could be, shape our actions to improve our lives and those of the people around us. I don’t know for sure, but I suspect only human beings possess the capacity to dream and to lose that entirely would be a terrible thing.
I also believe if we hold onto dreams when they no longer serve us they get in the way of moving forward. Letting go and mourning unfulfilled dreams is crucial to give space to new, more compelling dreams.
Maybe our life turned out differently compared to the dreams we had when we were younger. A project we dreamed of winning that went to someone else. A person we dreamed of being with who chose another. Any disappointment, regret or anger we feel in relation to our dreams is possibly a sign we haven’t moved on and are still hanging on.
What dreams have passed their shelf life and need to be discarded?
Now’s the time to mourn those dreams and let them go. Find new, better dreams that could flourish in the space you give them to grow.
A book I can recommend is ‘Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes’
Good luck! Enjoy the flight from the past to the present.
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Well said. I like the analogy of the trapeze artist. It’s a perfect blend of things you can control ( her timing, her training, her skill), and the things we cannot control (gravity and sudden noises from the crowd). Such is life. There will always be elements of change that we can control, and elements that we cannot. There comes a time when we just have to trust in ourselves and trust in the Universe – let go and fly.
You’ve hit on a critcial thing here with trust. And that time when we trust in ourself and the universe is so important. I wish more people would discover it!
We all hold onto something, some more than others. It’s powerful when you figure out how to just let go and have preferences, but still let whatever be, be.
Excellent post and I agree with Jay that the trapeze artist analogy rocked completely. We can’t control everything, no matter how much we try, so let’s just flow.
Welcome Henri. And I think there are some things worth holding onto – those that continue to nurture and enrich us. Someone left a comment on Stumbleupon “I hold on to love…” and I guess that sums it up for me.
This is perfection, absolutely perfect. I love that you included “dreams” among the items that we may need to let go.
And dreams can often be the hardest to let go!
Great post, Ian, especially about letting go of dreams. That’s been a hard one for me. On one hand, we need to persevere and NOT let go, but there certainly comes a time when some dreams need to be released. There’s an art to living, particularly in a graceful manner. Happy New Year to you and your family.
And a ‘belated’ happy new year to you too. Finding that right moment – not too late, not too soon – is a real art.
I really enjoyed this post, Ian. Simply said: it rocked!
I have been thinking about this a lot lately for many reasons. I like to move often because, in part, it forces me to get rid of things that no longer serve me.
I resonated with this statement: “Collectively, if I allow it, they tangle me up and tie me down.” That’s very true, Ian! I also agree with what you said about dreams. I often think people literally tie themselves up with dreams when they are no longer served by the dream.
Ian, I really think you nailed the message in this post – and I know it’s cliche – but I really needed to hear this at this point in my life.
Thanks for the book recommendation, too.
Be well, life warrior!
~xo
Hi Lori. Thanks for the comment and curious how you’ve been thinking about this. Maybe there really are no coincidences!
I refer to the simple phrase, “Everything that arises, must one day pass away” quite often. It helps me understand the necessity of letting go and comforts me at times when I find it difficult to do so. It is so important to continuously re-evaluate our lives so that we can separate what is now holding us back and what is helping us move forward at the present time. This was a great post Ian and I’m glad I’ve come across your site!
Hi Earl and welcome to the site. I like that saying – so obvious, but so easy to forget in the middle of all the stuff oin our lives.
Hi Ian, I loved this post and your analogy at the beginning was great. I think material possessions, dreams, and people we collect in our lives become part of “I” meaning it’s how we define ourselves and show the rest of the world who we are. Letting go is also a way to become more enlightened and spiritual.
Thanks for a thought provoking post.
Steven. I agree we do tend to identify with all these things – and the more we do so, the more we probably lose sight of who we really are.
Hi Ian — that’s interesting — I’ve recently been noticing that I still have so many things I want to accomplish in life, including putting out an album with my music, writing a novel, taking martial arts, and so on. I’ve been wondering whether I need to prune away a few of these aspirations in the name of realism. At this moment, when it comes to those, I find myself thinking: nah. But as time goes on I can definitely see, more and more, the value of having my priorities straight and keeping them to a minimum.
I look forward to hearing your music and novel. Now sure I want to come face to face with your martial arts though
An incredible look at moving on in life Ian. I love it. The analogies are great and the categories are definitely the ones that seem to be the stickiest or hardest to let go of.
Thanks Mike. Hope all is well with you!
You spoke to my heart this early morning.
This One Woman who is in her last years.
Some of these people just need to go – then I feel guilty.
Some of this stuff needs to go – to nice for yard sales – but if someone likes it – they get it.
Most of my dreams have been fulfilled – a long hard and learning journey.
Now my want list is Happiness, Health, Peace and Safety.
Oh – would love to go to the ocean.
That is it.
I am so pleased I found your site.
This made my day! So beautifully written and syaing so much in a few words! I hope to have this gentleness when I reach my last years.
wow. I really liked this post. I read your snowflake post and thought I might be interested in reading your blog regularly, and then this post clinched it. I am subscribed and looking forward to more!
by the way, I found you via dragosroua, recommended to me on the Steve Pavlina forum. I had requested recommendations for quality personal development blogs and you apparently made the cut, with good reason.
Carlos .. thanks so much for this. It’s always interesting to see how people find this site, and what a golden path brought you here! Steve and Dragos! I hope you enjoy future posts as much as you did this one (maybe some even more, who knows?
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A fantastic post! Thank you
i need to let go of my job! i hope i do it soon
Good luck! Letting go of a job is a big step!
Awesome post, I’ll be sure to pass this one around!