MARILYN – Hi! I’ve never been described as a candy store before (well my blog anyway!) and I’m smiling from ear to ear! I too never enjoyed conflict. I remember being beaten up at school … that’s not quite true … a kid tried to beat me but all I could do was laugh (probably nervously) and he was so stunned he didn’t know what to do so just backed off.

I wonder now if it’s actually how we solve conflict that’s the problem. Conflict itself seems to me be an inevitable result of us all being different so is actually wonderful and creative. By changing my approach I find it gives great chance to deepen mutual understanding.

PUSHYYARAG – with everything I think it’s important to be authentic too. And it’s quite possible to be empathic and effective at the same time. Nice comment.

ROBERT – separated at birth, rejoined as middle aged adults! What a story. Hugs (nice new picture!)

Ian, are we twin brothers or what?

I feel very strongly about being effective at work but I tend to empathize with my team. I have realized too, that they actually expect an assertive, strong leadership but I have simply lost the urge to change myself. I continue to manage my way with persisting and reasoning.

Good analytical insight. Like it.

Oh it’s a pleasure to meet you. I feel like I just won a free trip to a candy store with all I see upon your site.

Yes I AM like you and am continually learning as I live. I love how you explained 3 & 4…I am nodding my head up and down as I read it.

I do not enjoy conflict in any form at ALL, be it verbal or physical and have a difficult time as a result but not everybody is like I am. I find that when in a disagreement with someone, If I speak in a low, gentle tone instead of a loud/shouting one (as well as touch the person lightly on their arm if we are physically together) while acknowledging BOTH of our feelings by saying, “Well, since this is upsetting to both of us, let’s try and talk this thing out. I don’t think you WANT to be upset either…” and so then I try to hear the person’s feelings out until they are finshed talking and then air my own feelings while trying to deal with the situation as calmly and fairly as I possibly can do.

I believe yelling and screaming is a bad way to go, since feelings automatically become hurt once your voices are raised in anger.

Peace, Love, Understanding and Respect,
Marilyn

I was kind of wondering why she would be upset with you for NOT yelling at her. Haha, that made no sense to me. But after illustrating your example in point #4 “Listen – To Her”, I can see how her comments can be a reflection of her frustration with the lack of passion or energy in your work together.

As you said, this kind of listening is incredibly hard to practice at first, and requires a ton of practice. I can’t say I do it all the time (only consistently with my girlfriend). If you’ve read Steven Covey’s “7 Habits of Highly Effective People”, this is an example of empathic listening. Where you look beyond what the message sender is saying, and interpret what they are feeling instead. Very powerful stuff.

Thanks for another great article. I always find your writing insightful and interesting to read.