I’ve been insulted many times in my life and some I even got to hear about. I also get lots of feedback and not all of it easy to hear.
If you’re like me, then you’ll have developed habits around dealing with these difficult messages and automatic responses make it hard to remember there’s a choice about how to react. My own habit was to go into silent shock and criticise myself with some internal finger pointing.
Where did this habit come from?
The first part of my adult life was spent trying to please others: subjects I studied, career (accounting, of all things!), job, buying a house, getting married, running a car. All of this was to keep the people in my world happy. None of it really made me happy, but what the hell if everyone else is happy!
With this motivation, any attack, criticism or insult went right to my core. I was failing to please someone so there must be something wrong with me! Ahhhhhh!!!!!!! As you can probably guess, my self esteem was not sky high with this approach to life!
What changed? One thing was when I discovered* that I have 4 broad choices in hearing these difficult messages.
- Attack the message giver
- Attack myself
- Listen to myself
- Listen to the message giver
An example might help.
I was in my early thirties and my assistant at the time had just made a huge mess of arranging a conference I was responsible for. I knew it and she knew it and it was one of those situations that, if undealt with immediately, could have wrecked my career. I stayed very calm, we fixed the problem and then had a ‘review’ of this major mess up. She sat there quivering with nerves as I started, very calmly and logically to go through what had happened and what we could learn from it. After about 5 minutes she could stand it no longer and blurted out,
“I messed up. We both know it. Any NORMAL person would have got angry and shouted at me. But not you. You are such a COLD FISH – it’s impossible to work with you!”
Hmmmm, that was difficult to hear.
How could I have reacted?
1 Go on the attack – with her
It was her that screwed things up, not me! How dare she criticise me? She’s completely incompetent and if I hadn’t stayed cool, calm and collected there’s no way we’d have recovered from the mess she’d caused. I’m not cold! I’m in control … and that’s what a good manager needs to be, especially with someone as useless as her! Grrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!
I suspect both of us would have ended up worse off with this approach. But isn’t this pretty common? … after all, attack is apparently the best form of defence.
2 Go on the attack – with myself
She’s absolutely right. Any one with balls would have at least raised their voice. What a weak, cowardly person I am. I’ll never make it any further as a manager – she needs strong, assertive leadership. Not only that but I’m devoid of emotion generally. Nothing affects me. Am I dead?
This was what I did at the time. Fortunately I managed to transform it later as it didn’t help my self esteem too much.
3 Listen – to myself
I’ve not heard anyone say that before and I don’t like hearing it. I’m confused and not sure if she’s talking only about this situation or about working with me in general. I’d like to be understood that I was trying my best to solve the problem and I really care about this work. I’d also like her to hear that I care about her and I don’t consider losing my cool to be respectful.
Now that’s a bit softer! I’m neither agreeing or disagreeing but just opening myself into an enquiring frame and with this energy I might discover something useful about myself in this feedback.
4 Listen – to her
Wow, she seems really upset about this. I guess she would have liked to have done a great job and she’s disappointed about what happened. Maybe she’s also looking for more passion and energy in her work with me. Perhaps she wants honest, direct feedback and communication.
Again that’s softer. With this energy I might discover something useful about her from this feedback. For sure we’re both more likely to get something out of the situation and maybe learn about each other.
I’m not claiming that 3 or 4 are easy, and it requires skill and presence to choose these responses over attacking. What I’ve written here are more like internal monologues and choosing if and how to verbalise the response is another skill to develop.
What I can say is that when I have chosen 3 or 4 the difficult message has always turned out to be the start of an important and meaningful exchange.
How do you habitually react to difficult messages? Does it work for you?
*at a workshop on Nonviolent Communication
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Ian,
I was kind of wondering why she would be upset with you for NOT yelling at her. Haha, that made no sense to me. But after illustrating your example in point #4 “Listen – To Her”, I can see how her comments can be a reflection of her frustration with the lack of passion or energy in your work together.
As you said, this kind of listening is incredibly hard to practice at first, and requires a ton of practice. I can’t say I do it all the time (only consistently with my girlfriend). If you’ve read Steven Covey’s “7 Habits of Highly Effective People”, this is an example of empathic listening. Where you look beyond what the message sender is saying, and interpret what they are feeling instead. Very powerful stuff.
Thanks for another great article. I always find your writing insightful and interesting to read.
Hi Ian
Oh it’s a pleasure to meet you. I feel like I just won a free trip to a candy store with all I see upon your site.
Yes I AM like you and am continually learning as I live. I love how you explained 3 & 4…I am nodding my head up and down as I read it.
I do not enjoy conflict in any form at ALL, be it verbal or physical and have a difficult time as a result but not everybody is like I am. I find that when in a disagreement with someone, If I speak in a low, gentle tone instead of a loud/shouting one (as well as touch the person lightly on their arm if we are physically together) while acknowledging BOTH of our feelings by saying, “Well, since this is upsetting to both of us, let’s try and talk this thing out. I don’t think you WANT to be upset either…” and so then I try to hear the person’s feelings out until they are finshed talking and then air my own feelings while trying to deal with the situation as calmly and fairly as I possibly can do.
I believe yelling and screaming is a bad way to go, since feelings automatically become hurt once your voices are raised in anger.
Peace, Love, Understanding and Respect,
Marilyn
Hi Ian,
I feel very strongly about being effective at work but I tend to empathize with my team. I have realized too, that they actually expect an assertive, strong leadership but I have simply lost the urge to change myself. I continue to manage my way with persisting and reasoning.
Good analytical insight. Like it.
“The first part of my adult life was spent trying to please others: subjects I studied, career (accounting, of all things!), job, buying a house, getting married, running a car. All of this was to keep the people in my world happy. None of it really made me happy, but what the hell if everyone else is happy!”
Ian, are we twin brothers or what?
RAHUL – yes I have read Covey and really admire that book. My own approach to empathy has been heavily influenced by Nonviolent Communication .. in fact it’s one of the two core skills focused on in NVC (the other being honesty) and I’ve really found it life changing. It completely transformed how I relate to myself and to other human beings. I hope I’ve warmed up over the last years and would now describe myself as a ‘tepid fish’
MARILYN – Hi! I’ve never been described as a candy store before (well my blog anyway!) and I’m smiling from ear to ear! I too never enjoyed conflict. I remember being beaten up at school … that’s not quite true … a kid tried to beat me but all I could do was laugh (probably nervously) and he was so stunned he didn’t know what to do so just backed off.
I wonder now if it’s actually how we solve conflict that’s the problem. Conflict itself seems to me be an inevitable result of us all being different so is actually wonderful and creative. By changing my approach I find it gives great chance to deepen mutual understanding.
PUSHYYARAG – with everything I think it’s important to be authentic too. And it’s quite possible to be empathic and effective at the same time. Nice comment.
ROBERT – separated at birth, rejoined as middle aged adults! What a story. Hugs (nice new picture!)