We all judge, whether we want to or not. Transforming our judgements can take us closer to experiencing, and enjoying, the world as it really is, rather than how we think it is.
To Judge Or Not To Judge
Raw judgements rarely help us except in urgent situations where we don’t have time to process our thinking. A figure approaching us from a dark alleyway with something silver glittering in its hand is probably going to trigger a judgement that this is ‘dangerous and bad’.
Our snap judgement could be wrong, of course, and there’s a chance (albeit very slim) they might have a handful of silver they want to give us. We’ll quite rightly respond to our immediate analysis by taking action – running away and shouting loudly would probably be a sensible thing to do.
At a basic level we think something or someone is ‘good’ or bad’ and at more advanced levels we have a rich vocabulary of adjectives to name our judgements.
Whatever level we operate at, those judgements are our thoughts. No more, no less.
Those thoughts often interfere with our capacity to fully experience life, and especially the people we share it with.
Many of us can recognise judgements as they pass our minds and see through them to reality, but it takes practice to consistently transform them from static statements of perception to more flowing and deeper explorations of our experience.
I believe this is true whether our judgements are ‘negative’ or ‘positive’.
The Mona Lisa Is Very Small
I remember my only visit to the Louvre in Paris when I was about 22 years old. It’s packed with some of the greatest works of art we’ve ever produced.
I walked from one painting or sculpture paying cursory attention to each with an internal running commentary going something like this:
‘That one’s nice. This is ugly. This one is beautiful.’
5 seconds at the Mona Lisa was enough to conclude ‘It’s small’ before passing on. The most famous painting in the world – and all I took away from it was its size!
With each piece I was more focussed on judging and categorising than I was on experiencing it. What a missed opportunity!
Now I realise that I used to do the same with people – still do sometimes, but I’m learning to change.
Transformation in 3 Steps
I’d like to share a simple 3 step practice that I’ve been using for a few years that has helped me immensely. It works equally well with things I don’t enjoy – but I’ll stay with the positive things to illustrate the practice.
- Observation
- Feelings
- Life enrichment
Step 1 Observation
I experience the world, then I filter it through my memories and belief systems, analyse and interpret it. Presto! Out pops a judgement. Instead, I try to imagine a full sensory video camera recording and I’m watching / hearing / touching /smelling / tasting the replay.
By bringing myself back, as far as I can, to what I actually see, hear, touch, smell or taste – without my ‘black box’ processing – I can find greater freedom in relation to it.
As an example I’ll use a true event, with the name changed (but you know who you are!).
Judgement - Katarzyna is a thoughtful, sensitive person with impeccably good taste in what she reads.
Transforms to – Katarzyna said to me last week that she reads my blog every few days, has printed out several articles and one article in particular touched her so much she cried.
The judgement stops me exploring further and takes my attention away from, in this case, the words I heard. Transforming my judgement allows me to savour the sensory experience.
Step 2 Feelings
Feelings are an important part of my humanity and I want to experience them as fully as possible. They are mine and do not belong to anyone else – in fact, people can’t make me feel anything. They’re involved but are the trigger and not the cause – more like catalysts.
When I believe they cause my feelings then I risk setting up an emotional dependency that reduces freedom and autonomy for both of us.
Judgement - Katarzyna makes me feel moved, grateful, proud and inspired.
Transforms to – I feel moved, grateful, proud and inspired.
The difference is subtle yet important.
The transformation helps me enjoy my feelings as coming from within and from my experience of life rather than received from the outside world.
Step 3 Life Enrichment
My life is continuously enriched in so many ways. It can be hard to define exactly which aspect of me is being enriched and words are often poor guides to describe this. Yet finding words is often the only way I have for connecting with that life energy deep within.
Judgement – Katarzyna cares and respects me and finds my writing meaningful and helpful.
Transforms to – My life is enriched through my needs of respect, meaning and making a difference to other people.
By finding the elements of my life energy (I call them ‘needs‘) that have been enriched I can connect more deeply to myself – and to Katarzyna. In this place I feel gratitude to Katarzyna for telling me this, and to myself for my role in the creation.
In this place I’m not focused on who is giving and who receiving – we are both givers and receivers. The transformation breaks down the boundaries between us and helps me connect to the universal life force that binds us all together.
Tips On Using The Practice
At first it may feel a little artificial and take time to transform judgements, but after a while of regular practice it becomes natural and automatic.
- Gratitude journal – Keep a daily journal to use the 3 steps to record a few things that happened during the day that enriched your life. 5 – 10 minutes a day is a small investment in gratitude to others and to yourself.
- Expressing gratitude – Practice using the 3 steps to express gratitude when someone does something that you enjoy. Tell them what they did, how you feel about it and how it enriched you.
- Transforming criticism – Use the 3 steps to transform negative judgements. The process works equally well with things we don’t enjoy and the ways our lives were not enriched.
- Share your experiences – If you use the process and find it helpful, bookmark this page and come back and leave a comment. That way you’ll enrich my life and maybe inspire others.
PS – I know the title is grammatically incorrect, but I think it sounds better that way. You know … ‘To boldly go’ versus ‘to go boldly.’
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This is something I’ve been working on. Noticing judgements, and trying to rephrase them into more neutral statements as you’ve outlined here. I especially like how you’ve pointed out that no one can “make” you feel anything. I think that’s the number one realization that people need to come to in order to be truly happy. You can’t change what someone does or says, but you can choose how you let it affect you. If I only had one piece of advice to give everyone in the world, that would be it. And just like everyone else who likes to give advice, this is the advice that I most need to hear myself, from time to time. So thanks for the reminder!
“You can’t change what someone does or says, but you can choose how you let it affect you.” I couldn’t agree more! I also need to take my own advice. I have got pretty good with my judgements though there are still some people and things that trigger me. But life would get dull if there wasn’t still improvements to make and things to learn.
Very inspiring post!!
Glad you liked it!
Great post, Ian. Very subtle differences yet that’s where the real joy in life occurs. Transformation digs just that little bit deeper into our being. You’ve demonstrated that it doesn’t have to hurt to change/create transformation in our lives. It takes practice to alter our habits, that’s all. Bit by bit.
Not only does it not have to hurt, it came actually be fun. I found this process I wrote about here to be one of those things. Especially about my negative judgements – I found I often laugh at how easily I make snap judgements and how far off they can be. And it changed stress into something much softer.
Good to see you again Sue!
I really love what you’ve said here and there’s only one thing I’d like to add.
I’ve learned to trust some of my snap judgments about people. Every once in a while I get a flash that says “pedophile” or “unsafe” or “untrustworthy”. I used to try and talk myself out of this because I didn’t want to judge someone, especially without proof of any kind. I’ve discovered, however, to trust this immediate instinct.
Learning the difference between a flash of intuition and an ego based judgment was difficult, but I think it is important to know that there is a different.
Your article is perfect for confronting our ego based judgments, the thoughts that take us from ourselves.
Thanks for the add-on Hayden.
I think it’s potentially dangerous to ignore those snap judgements. Something is triggering your unease in relation to these people, and while you might not be able to put your finger on exactly what, you can be sure it’s something. Often it’s the non-verbal clues, a look, a tone of voice or something doesn’t quite align. The judgement may not be accurate, and will certainly not be the complete picture of the person, but is an important clue.
The way I would transform that with this process is something like “I can’t put my finger on the observation but I feel unsafe, nervous. My ‘need’ for security, trust, clarity etc. isn’t met.” Often when I do that – skip the first step – then I still transform the snap judgement into something that’s about me rather than about them. Obviously if I’m having these feelings triggered then I’m going to want to protect myself.
Ian, I like it. You covered a lot of ground here my friend. The longer we spend in step 1, Observation, the more neutral our feelings become. The role of an observer tends to soften the tendency to make snap judgments.
Thanks Jonathan. It’s certainly a great skill to develop – to be in the observer role. Not always easy, but definitely worth it.
great article and something i have thought about for so very long. the problem is, we are all ’stuck’ inside our minds, a place where gender, culture, our personal landscapes all influence our thoughts and as a consequence, our judgements. part of the solution is awareness; getting into the habit of reflection, of witnessing our own ‘knee jerk’ reaction to people and circumstances. its also about empathy, trying to imagine ourselves walking in that particular persons shoes, when i am angry with someone else, or they have hurt me in some way, i imagine myself there, where that other person is standing, looking back at myself, and my anger frequently dissipates. i am not saying it is easy thinking outside our own particular box, this takes a lot of practice, and i have only taken the first, tentative steps along that particular path.
Phil, I really like how you put this, especially “we are all ’stuck’ inside our minds”. Sounds like you have developed a great way of being both in your own skin and observing yourself at the same time. Fisrt steps, although tentative, can be the hardest to take so you’ve made the breakthrough.
Hi Ian,
I learned the hard way that judgments really are reflections or rather projections of ourself onto another person. So what we judge in another, we are truly judging ourselves.
Ken Wilber has a great quote about the difference between observing something in another as opposed to judging another. He said that if we are emotionally involved or effected by our thought, then it is a judgment/projection of ourself. However, if we just look at something and gather information from it without being emotionally involved or effected, then it is an observation.
So whenever I start to feel myself judging, I look within and it has been a great teacher.
By the way, when I first saw the Mona Lisa, I was surprised at how small it was too.
And I thought I was the only one who thought it was small!
I like much of what Wilber says and I have many examples from my own experiences of this judgement of others being a reflection of myself. I also think we are not only all connected to each other in ways we can hardly understand but that we also have access to some ‘universal wisdom’ – a wisdom that is the collective wisdom of all our experiences. And we can access that wisdom by learning to look inside and open to what comes to us.
Ian, you’ve written down almost the process which I used to pass through in order to avoid being judging people. I reached this level many years ago and I have choosen to be more ‘observer’ for everything since it makes your vision more clear and is not affected by emotions only.
I don’t deny the importance of emotions since we are humans but when it come to decisions, it must be rational.
Thanks for sharing that this process (or similar) has helped. The way I presented it here is an adaption of a process I learned through Rosenberg’s ‘Nonviolent Communication’. But there are plenty of other ways to achieve the same result – becoming observer. What I like about it is that it recognises our emotional world as providing important clues to the deeper meaning of things, as well as developing our experience of being human.
I have a different view of decision making. I believe most decisions we take are at an emotional level first and then we use rationality to explain the decision to ourselves (and others). I tend to find for myself that the best decisions I make are those when I’ve managed to bring in both sides of the brain – the logical side and the emotional/intuitive side. In my opinion, getting them to work together is much more productive and satisfying than relying only on rationality or only on emotions.
I enjoyed your post, Ian. I wrote about my own struggle with judging on my blog here (http://daphneanddonald.blogspot.com/2009/09/judging.html) and it features in other posts as well. It is such a huge challenge to listen to our own thoughts and realize that the simple act of labeling something comes with a judgement.
The part I’m struggling with is how to balance the need for accepting and being grateful versus judgements that lead to positive change. Don’t we have to know that something can be improved in order to bother changing it? I’ll be writing about this tomorrow.
Thanks for the inspiration!
It certainly helps to know we want something to improve (and how) before putting energy into changing it. I’ve found that finding the elements of life (mine or others’) not being cared for is more likely to lead to improvements than when I judge something or someone. People are much more open to listen when it’s from this place than when I judge (which is more than likely to be heard as criticism, leading to defensive reactions).
I also find it a struggle to get that kind of balance you’re looking for. My habit has been to look for the problems more than to look for the joy in life – and it’s a habit I’m trying to change to at least getter a better balance. I know that when I’m feeling good about myself and about life then my energy for change is of a very different quality than when I approach it from judgement or from anger.
I look forward to reading your post on it!
It’s up at http://daphneanddonald.blogspot.com/2009/10/acceptance-versus-need-for-change.html. Thanks so much for your encouraging reply!
Best way to enjoy life is to start tackling your fears
Jonathan. Thanks for taking the time to comment, though I confess that I’m not sure how it relates to my post. I’m curious what you thought about what I wrote in the article.
Hi Ian — I like the idea of getting more connected with your direct experience, with these methods you offer such as owning your feelings, because at the very least it seems to have life become a richer and deeper thing to live.
Chris. I’ve definitely experienced life as richer since starting to practice some of these things I write about. It’s not always easy because getting more in touch with that richness involves also facing the aspects of life (and of myself) that are not so enjoyable. It’s perhaps the difference between taking life as a leisurely stroll through the park (pleasant and easy but not much happening) compared to hiking in the mountains (tough climbs, exhilerating moments and breathtaking views).
I like your site, it’s a very interesting read. I have a site myself that provides inspiration and guidance to people around the world. I was wondering if you wanted to exchange links to let our readers know about both our sites. Let me know.
Jason
TheWISDOMWALL.com
All our life we have been controlled by an entity not us. Only by taking back control can we fully live our life the way we want to.
Not sure I fully follow what you’re saying. What entity do you mean?
Hi Ian, this is an awesome post on how judgement gets in our way of true experience, and what you’ve outlined is really practical, and simple. I know it takes practice but I think you’ve really broken it down into something very doable. I was just reading a few quotes on judgement the other day and I wish I could remember them now, but they really hit on exactly what you’ve written here. Great job outlining what our judgements stop us from experiencing and how to undo that process. Thanks for sharing this!
Cheers,
Miche
Hi Miche
Thanks for the feedback .. and shame you couldn’t remember the quotes. Oh well!
Hi Ian,
Clear and simple steps. I like that approach. You might want to have a look at this site which gives a broader view on this subject:
http://sites.google.com/site/howtoenrichlife/
Best regards – Thijs
Thanks for the link!