In doing a bit of research for this article I was horrified at the volume of stuff out there promoting the use of corporal punishment (I delude myself that everyone sees the world the same way as I do!). I was in a state of shock and disbelief reading such things as this, from Gospel Way (a site with around 4 million visitors):
But if the child isn’t doing what you told him to do, your job isn’t done yet, no matter how much he cries. Punish him some more till he obeys you!
My guess is that when you read those sentences you’ll either nod in approval or raise your eyes in horror. There’s just not much room for sitting on the fence, especially if you are a parent yourself. According to several surveys of parents the majority seem to be in favour of smacking, though it’s banned in many countries.
With many reactions bubbling up inside and with outrage in my heart, I decided to go for the jugular and write this article to convert all you evil child-spankers to change your inhuman ways. My approach was going to be to convince you with the quality of my rhetoric and an appeal to your humanity.
Then a voice in my ear whispered:
“That ain’t gonna work, buddy!”
Those whispering voices are sometimes worth listening to!
No amount of rationality, research or conviction will sway any parent when it comes to this topic. I wouldn’t be swayed by logic or expert opinion – so how could I expect anyone else to be? There’s also no point taking a moralistic route by arguing that hitting people (including children) is either ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. Many parents spank kids whether I like it or not and no matter how ‘wrong’ I personally believe it is. Me believing it’s ‘wrong’ simply comes face to face with someone believing it’s ‘right’. Complete dead end. Writing with my original intent would be a waste of time and disrespectful to anyone reading this who thinks differently to me.
I decided to change focus and, instead, poke around the subject and maybe scratch under the surface a bit. It still carries my own anti-smacking bias – I’m only human after all. I believe that whenever something disturbs me then the most fruitful place to look is inside myself and peel back a few layers to see what’s lurking underneath. I can’t change anyone unless I’ve had a long hard look at myself – even then the chances are small!
Why does smacking bug me so much?
Insecurity as a parent
I’m quite insecure about whether I’m doing a good job as a parent. I want what’s best for my children and there are so many grey areas, so much conflicting advice and so much I can’t influence. In the face of all the contradictions, it’s comforting to have at least one area where I have strong beliefs about what I’m doing. It’s not only that I believe I’m right (I am humble enough to admit that I’m imperfect), it gives me one solid principle on which I base much of my ‘good-enough’ parenting.
I will never intentionally inflict pain on my children.
I may cause pain by accident or ignorance or when I just don’t know what else to do but the intention of spanking is to inflict pain. Spanking is a direct attack on my deep conviction and parenting principles.
My guess is that if you are attached to spanking then you have equally strong (but different) principles and you are just as convinced that spanking is good for children, maybe even necessary.
Loyalty to my parents
My parents used spanking as a punishment. It was infrequent and consisted of a short, sharp slap across my buttocks or thigh. They still believe (as their parents did) that spanking is a necessary part of parenting.
The loyal child in me defends my parents and how they brought me up while the angry teenager in me rebels against them. Through the middle of those conflicting urges is a desire to find my own, mature adult way. I’m trying to find my own way of parenting whilst defending my parents. I read several comments along similar lines:
My brother and sister and me were all smacked as kids, and it never did us any harm.
… people do bring up law abiding and well behaved people without smacking them as children. My parents managed to do this …
I find it understandable to respect and defend my parents. I also think there’s a time to let go of what my parents taught me and make my own decisions. How can we evolve as a species if we simply repeat what our parents did?
Discipline and obedience
The whole point of smacking is to teach or discipline our children to obey us:
… all children have rebellion in them and when it surfaces, it is our duty as parents to drive it out of them. We are to do this by punishing them with a whack on the buttocks with a small reed-like rod. … A spanking should be swift and cause short lived pain that makes a point. That point is that the small pain they feel now will prevent them from feeling great pain by the act they are committing, which could cause them loss of their lives in some cases. (For instance, if a child tries to run across the street, they could be run over and killed.)
from Bible.
What I read here is that it is my duty as parent to teach my children to become obedient adults and one way for them to learn is though punishment.
Personally, I do NOT want my children to grow into obedient puppets in fear of authority. I want my children to grow up equipped for the lives they choose to live. I want them to respect those with more experience and wisdom (authority), gently challenge authority to find their own truth and make and take responsibility for their own choices.
I see my role as parent is to create safety for them to explore, learn, grow and allow them to blossom into the unique human beings they were born to be. I best do this by providing clear boundaries, unconditional love, support for their learning and security from harm. I just don’t see a place for punishment or fear.
If my child is about to run into the street then I’ll physically stop her and then help her learn of the dangers in whatever language I think she’ll understand. I won’t teach her by wilfully inflicting pain on her. If she does it again I’ll physically keep her away from the street until she’s learned to look out for herself – not as punishment but as protection.
If you are a parent who believes in the need to smack children, then I imagine that you have different parental goals to me or maybe different views about the best way to teach your children.
Phew!
This turned out quite a bit longer than my regular posts and there’s a whole lot more I could say on the subject. Maybe another day! Thank you for staying with it and I’m really curious to see what comments this article might inspire.
UPDATE
If you are inspired by this article you might want to check out my follow-up post on the subject exploring the many alternatives to smacking ‘When smacking seems the only option‘
Notes
1 I’ve use ‘smacking’ as it’s more acceptable to advocates of corporal punishment than ‘hitting’. I guess it implies a strength and style of hitting of less intensity than, for example, punching. We all know, however, that smacking is a form of hitting.
2 It was not my intention to pick out only examples from Christian sites, they were just the most prominent in Google search, so I assume the most popular.
Similar Posts:
- When smacking seems the only option
- What To Do With Naughty Kids
- Reward! Wanted dead or alive
- We each have our own song
- AWOL and Future Plans
- Meeting Tom
I have been spanked as a child. When I was 9 or ten I think I was being smart to my mom and she slapped me across my face. I was suprised. I thought she would turn me over her lap and spank me. My face was red for a few hours and yes I did cry. My brother had his mouth washed out with soap by her. I should have been spanked when I was 16 for a major lye I told my dad. He told me to bend over and that he wanted to give me a old fashioned spanking but I got out of that somehow by saying I was too old. He told me he and my mother were spanked until they reached the age of 18. They said that I am still in their care and I acted like a kid by lying so I should be punished like a kid. I ended up getting grounded for a long time.
My dad used to spank us to make himself feel better. You can imagine how effective it was.
My foster parents never spanked and they managed a household of 7 foster children from violence and drug infested backgrounds.
I know that effective disciplining without spanking is possible. I also know that spanking is not particularly effective at all.
I once smack a child and just realized that it effect me much more than himself.
To some extend, I believe it’s ok to smack our children. But do this only with one condition! That is for the good of them and not for our own intention to get satisfaction or any other reason.
Happy New Year, Ian! All the best for 2009!
Thank you for being Stories of Picture friend throughout 2008!
I hope we will see each other again in 2009!
I have a number of friends who are teachers in primary and secondary schools. They are frustrated that they have alsmot no authority to exercise physical discipline in the classroom. The liability issue has been raised and now power to discipline has been greatly revoked. Teachers find that when parents do not discipline their children, and as church morals have less of an influence than ever on chldhood upbringing, that the role of a teacher in modern, western society can be challenging indeed. When the last resort is detention, suspension or expulsion, and children view these options as a reward, then this reflects a wdespread problem that merits attention.
BETH – Welcome and thanks for the comment. Sounds like spanking wasn’t a regular feature of your upbringing but still left a mark on you.
HAYDEN – Good to see you over here. I don’t think that punishment is ever effective unless we want to teach or discipline through fear (I generally don’t want my kids to do things out of fear). And punishment requires ever escalating degrees to ensure its effectiveness. When light smacking isn’t making my child afraid enough, then I need to increase the severity of the punishment. That’s not a route I want to go down.
ALDHIS – Best wishes for 2009 to you too. I like the new look of your site and I’m still having technical problems leaving comments.
When Elena was a baby and I’d had an especially bad day. She was crying and I lost my temper and picked her up getting ready to hit her, throw her or anything to make her stop. Something snapped inside me and I froze with her in my hands looking deep into my dark side. It was one of the most shocking, terrible moments to realise that I had this monster inside that had such power to inflict pain (or worse) over this tiny, helpless creature in my hands. I’ve never lifted my hand against another human being since that moment.
LIARA – Welcome. Over here in Eastern Europe (as in many other places) violence in the classroom is a huge problem. I know many teachers who are desperate to find ways of managing the classroom without resorting to violence. And plenty of others who still use violence and fear to control a class. There are ways (for example Life-Enriching Education
) but they are hard for individual teachers to employ when the rest of the school is not. As a parent, I would not accept teachers hitting my children and I see the challenge as much wider than only the teacher – student relationship. How do schools serve the education of our children? How is the parent – school – teacher – student relationship? How much should the government and legal system be involved in the school systems?
Thanks to everyone for the great comments!
Hello, nice e topic!
I think what’s important here is both parents talk about how to raise their children. Goodthing my hubbie and I agree not to smack our children. I don’t think I can ever to it.
Renz – thanks for the comment. I’m happy that you both agree not to smack and to find other ways to help your children learn and grow. I imagine it must be hard for those parents who don’t agree.
Ian, thank you for this topic, it is an immensely important and painful for me. There are two firm values perceive within this subject:
- what is my goal as a parent (I have three teenagers at home). Do I want them to become obedient? Do I want them to respect me out of fear of being punished? The answer is simple: NO! I want to connect to them, I want to have a mutualy respectful relationship with them, fully of empathy, mutual understanding… And spanking is not respectful – it is actually an abuse of power over them. I don’t want people to do it onto me and therefore I don’t want to do this to other people.
- spanking, slapping, smacking children is VIOLENCE. Do I want to be violent towards my children? Again a simple answer: NO!
I see using punishment as a brutal, primitive way of putting out the fire with gasoline. Parents don’t act on time but suppress their frustrations and neglect the needs of children, and then, when the tension builds up, explode. Justifying, that it is kids who don’t understand, it is kids who don’t behave and that this is for kids’ benefit… I have never felt any benefit from my father hitting me. Never ever!
Aldhis, could you clarify what do you mean by “…I believe it’s ok to smack our children. But do this only with one condition! That is for the good of them and not…” Who decides when is smacking kids for their own good? You? Now, for example, if I come over and smack you a couple of times over your head, saying that this is for your own good, would you feel happy about it? Since I feel it is for your own good… I know it is a brutal example, but I really wish to understand who do you feel has the power to see when is it “good for children to be physically violated”.
Liara, could you please explain what does it mean for parents to “discipline their children”? Does it mean to force them into obedience? To bow when confronted with the stronger one? To fear authority? Obviously I am having an issue with this term and therefore I would like to know what exactly did you have in mind.
Ian, thanks again for the great topics, truly, brought up so much within me…
Robert. I love the analogy of putting out fire with gasoline! Wish I’d thought of that myself. I’ll not say much more about your comment which echoes so much of what I believe myself. I’m inspired to come back to this topic in another post.
I’m now wondering how much of the violence in the world at large is fuelled by spanking. If the majority of parents are violent to their children .. is it any wonder that so many children grow into adults who see violence as a part of life?
And I’ll stand to one side now and see, with interest, if this post attracts any more comments.
Ian and others, I’m late to the party but cannot resist adding my two cents.
To say that smacking a child is okay or necessary, or whatever word one uses to justify such a violent action, tells me the bigger, cosmic picture has not been considered.
In my world, one focuses on what one desires to see manifest in the physical world. Violence begets more violence, no matter if in the moment the smacker decides it is in the best interest of the smackee. Ludicrous in my books.
Peaceful awareness, bringing light and consciousness TO our children begets a peaceful, light and conscious-filled world.
It’s not rocket science, but we still need to be patient and do our best to hold steady the peace card.
Suze. Always welcome at the party, no matter how late!
I agree with you 100% on this. You know it and I know it. The challenge, as I see it, is how to get to those who don’t know it. Personally I believe that trying to understand without judging is the first step to change. When someone who is violent to their kids (even if it’s as ‘mild’ as a gentle smack) feels understood and not judged then there’s more likely to be willingness to listen to alternatives.
I guess if only one person who reads this post stops smacking their kids then I’ve done some good in this world.
Thank you We need more of this out there. I raised three children without smacking them. They are happy productive adults.
keep up the good parenting !
Amen
Namaste Jude
JUDE – I fully intend to keep it up! Thanks for dropping by!
hi Ian
Just came across your topic here, fantastic.
I`ve been reading what everyone has said and I find myself agreeing with both sides.
First off before I give anyone a apoplectic shock, may I give two rules in life, they will help you put everything I perspctive.
Number 1: Breathe deep – it helps
Number 2 or 6: Don`t take yourself too seriously.
That being said, here goes. I agree with the concept of not spanking as well as with spanking, first thing you`re saying – this guy is a schitzo!
Guess what I`m trying to say is `Depends on the perspective`. Most people will say `bulldinky` or some such word, but I would like to invite you to think carefully about it.
first consideration: how hard? well, I believe the response is just enough to startle but not cause pain. reason: most kids do things because they are daydreaming and not bored and a short and quick tap breaks their reverie.
second consideration: does the situation merit a smack
reason: are you the one it affected? if so, then smacking is out.
third consideration: when did the alleged transgression occur?
reason: if not immediately when the problem occurred then the reason is invalid.
fourth consideration: is he/she too old to receive a smack?
reason: the older the little one is, the more he/she can reason and understand why but also the older he/she is the more he/she can be reasoned with.
final consideration: did you breathe?
reason: brings everything into perspective.
If after these 4 steps you still feel a quick and appropriate smack is relevant and required then maybe there is a reason for the smack, if none of these steps affected you and you still feel the need to smack then you may just be biggest masochist around – at which point I suggest you get help. if doing this you find that your anger has gone and you don`t feel justified in smacking the child, then don`t.
So in the end it all boils down to you knowing yourself and keeping yourself involved not just physically but emotionally in your young one’s lives.
nuff said!
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Ian’s reply:
Wow. Great in-depth response and I find I agree with most of what you say. Deep breathe! Staying involved with your little ones on all levels. Absolutely.
We’ll have to respectfully disagree about whether there are any circumstances warranting a smack! If you have a look at my latest post on the subject I think I answered some of your points. For sure there are times when we want to get our kids’ attention, and I think I sharp tone of voice or use of force (but NOT hitting) can do the trick equally well. I really can’t think of any thing kids can do that warrant violence of any form. I guess we may have different views about reward and punishment which could sit under our different perspectives of smacking.
Thanks for sharing your views!
Thank you so much for this thoughtful post and the discussion following. I am pleased to include this in The Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse and would also include your follow-up article if you want to submit that for the next edition.
Curious about my vote? NO SMACKING!
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Ian’s reply:
Happy to support such a worthwhile cause! I guessed you might be a no-smacker!
My Dad would put me across his knee and rub my bare bottom with rough sandpaper!!, it felt like my bum was on fire!!. An excellent way to make me behave!!.
Hi Ari. Thanks for sharing that especially graphic picture from your childhood. That sounds like an especially advanced form of torture!
i smack my daughters how ever hard they deserve if they have been really nuaghty the otk really hard buh if it is just a little incident a small tap poeple might think i am nasty bt u try being a mam hu boyfriend works away nad havin twing girls who are 4 and girl who is 6 and then see how hard it is is especally as they are little shits and consattly throught stuff and swer like this morning ella.twin was on the naughty step through my killer heels at me then the told me to f off then draw on the wall and thats jst the start!
Hi Stacey. I don’t think you’re nasty! Many parents (most in fact) hit their kids at times. I know that being a parent is tough and challenging at times – especially trying to do it without much support (sorry if that’s too much of an assumption from what you wrote!).
I do think there are other, more effective ways to raise kids, though, that don’t involve violence. Not always easy when kids are pushing the boundaries and behaving in ways we really don’t like.