How many times a year do you hear the question “How are you?”
It’s a pretty standard greeting, so I’m guessing it’s in the 100’s? Maybe even 1,000’s? Probably ‘a lot’ rather than ‘a few’?
When you ask the question, how often are you really and truly interested in the answer you get back?
If you’re like me (which you probably aren’t) then you probably don’t give too much thought to the question and hardly listen to the answer. It’s used more as a polite introduction (or re-introduction if we already know the person) before the serious, important stuff can get started.
Hang on a moment.
What could be more important than asking how someone is? Isn’t that an essential question? Isn’t this enquiry a potential window right into the depths of another human being.
How are you? Right here. Right now.
What thoughts are passing through your head as you stand in front of me? What feelings rise inside you as we look at each other for these fleeting seconds? What life bubbles inside you in this precious, present moment?
What a frequently wasted opportunity for an insight into what it’s like to be another member of the human race!
Why is so hard to reveal who I am?
I wonder if the reason we’re not usually interested in the answer is because we often receive a polite and non-committal,
“I’m fine, thank you.”
Or even worse, we might receive a long list of physical ailments, financial worries or a digest of their life history.
My Grandmother (she passed away last year, bless her) was a master at that reply. Probably because it was the only way she knew to get some attention. I still miss her.
I’m sure the original intent of the greeting was genuinely to give an opportunity to reveal some depth. Just we’ve got so busy we lost sight of that. We got into urgent and supericial stuff and forgot the important things.
Why is it that many of us find it so hard most of the time to really reveal how we are?
I notice in myself a fear of revealing too much for some or all of the following reasons:
- concern that the other might not really be interested
- fear that if I expose any vulnerability it might affect my safety
- fear of being judged
- not used to revealing my inner world (it normally stays ‘inner’ and ‘my’)
- unaware of how I am
- missing the vocabulary to express how I am
- in too much hurry to do stuff and not enough patience to just be with the life of the moment.
Over the years I’ve sought out those safe situations and those people who are naturally interested in experiencing how others are. More and more I’ve found the value of connecting to my inner life and sharing it with others.
After all, what could be a greater gift than the gift of life?
And more and more I’m not satisfied with the stock, culturally correct reply to the question.
If we ever meet …
Let’s rehearse a possible meeting and my ‘ideal greeting scenario’.
You approach me with a slight smile, deep eye contact and your hand outstretched. If we already know each other (even if it’s only been virtually) then I’d expect a hug. Maybe a kiss too, but that’s a bit more sensitive, especially if you’re a guy.
As a small aside, I’ve got quite used to kissing as a fairly standard greeting between men in Romania. That was a bit scary at first for me – a Brit!
Back to the rehearsal.
“How are you?” you say with real interest and care in your voice.
I take a moment to connect with myself, turning my attention to any physical or emotional sensations. I’ll tell you what comes up for me.
Briefly.
5 or 6 words only as I don’t want to freak you out.
I’ll stop again and check a bit deeper for what’s bubbling inside. What’s enriching my life and what’s turning me off? Don’t worry, I’ll only tell you a couple of sentences in summary. You’re not going to get an extensive and deep description of my innermost world. I don’t want to overwhelm you.
Just the highlights. I’ll save the rest until we know each other better and I trust you’re truly interested.
Of course the roles might very well be reversed and I might get the “How are you ?” in first.
You’d better be prepared.
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Great post! This is something we are all faced with, often many times a day. I think it’s just become such a standard to reply with “fine” or “good” that I don’t think many people give it much thought. You really made me think with this post. I’ll be prepared now!
I used to just say “fine”. Now I say fantastic no matter how I’m feeling. I say it with enthusiasm and feeling. That may not be totally honest, but when I go around all day saying I’m great, fantastic, fabulous, or other similar positive responses, I find that my mood often improves to match my response. Plus I don’t want to dump on the other person. They don’t need to hear it. I think the always positive response makes the other person feel better too. If they were looking for a “life sucks” response so they could whine too, I didn’t enable it.
Another fine example of how so many people go through their lives on auto-pilot, myself included. This is something that I have noticed for a while, but never made any conscious effort to change…not in myself and not in others, either. I’m not sure why that is, I suppose I just always thought that it was too much trouble. I may have to rethink it now, because I believe you’ve raised a very good point here. I think it really should be one of the most basic, fundamental questions. A real chance to observe the present moment, and respond accordingly.
However, like Stephen said, I don’t want to ‘dump” on people I don’t know when I’m feeling bad, so perhaps this might be a “sunny mood” experiment I can try from time to time….
How I answer generally depends on who is asking the question. If it’s somebody I’m close to, then I truly describe how I’m feeling. If it’s a stranger or acquaintance, then I usually reply “fine”.
If I’m asking the question, I may try to probe deeper if I sense the person wants to talk.
Nice thoughts behind your words. Thanks for making me think too.
I usually do the same thing Stephen does… when someone asks how I’m doing, I’ll say, “Fantastic” or, “Spectacular” or, “Couldn’t be better!” I find that this does make me feel a little better and usually makes the other person feel significantly better (at least in that moment).
That’s the short answer, which helps me figure out who really wants the long answer. Those people usually press on for more information. And if you press me for information… by golly, you’re gonna get it.
So, when we meet, perhaps it would be safer if I ask YOU first.
I used to think that when I was asked this question that the person really wanted to know exactly how I was. And as I went into a long-ish response about how the holiday was or whatever I would see their eyes glaze over. It took me some time to realize that for most people a “Fine, thank you. How are you?” response was best.
I really like your approach of gauging the reaction to your response to determine whether you should provide more information or not.
I loved this post. It’s so true!
I have a different level of response depending on the person asking. There are some that I’ll lie and say everything is fine even if my head is on fire. Then there are some that I’ll give a glimpse of things. And so on and so forth.
@Postively Present exactly what I was hoping for – to just give it a little more thought. Maybe not all the time, buit enough of the time to make a difference.
@Stephen ‘fake it til you make it’? At least you get something positive out of it if you start to feel fantastic. Positive thinking at it’s best. Personally I’d prefer to know really how you are, but that’s just me.
@Jay I’m not encouraging any ‘dumping’ that’s for sure. Just honest, authentic connection between people. If I sense someone’s in a dumping mood then I don’t ask how they are – unless I’m feeling especially generous and have some time on my hands.
@Roger Sounds pretty close to what I do!
@Lisa You’re welcome. If I get a people thinking then that’s very encouraging for me.
@Lisis Well we may have a race on our hands then to see who can get the first ‘How are you’ out of their mouths. I an introvert type so need a bit of warming up before I get going, which means you’ll probably win the race.
And when is this going to be? And where? Italy’s on the cards next year as I remember.
@Kim Don’t take this the wrong way, Kim, but I’d definitely prefer the ‘Fine, thank you’ response to holiday stories. I once asked a friend how their holiday was and spent the next 2 hours being shown the photos and a nice little commentary about each one. I still have nightmares about it. It wasn’t even somewhere exotic or interesting!
@Kim Ah .. the ‘tactical lie’? I’m wishing I’d used that on my friend when he asked if I wanted to see his holiday snaps! I agree that it’s wise to be selective.
Italy… definitely Italy. You can tell me how you’re REALLY doing, ’cause I can take it.
I always do tell people how I’m really doing. Unless I’m in Italy and then everything is ‘wonderful’
Good question, Ian.
“How are you” is such a bizarre convention, because it’s so informal, yet it’s such a personal question if it’s taken at face value. To answer it fully is probably not really polite in most situations. I ask it out of habit, but I definitely don’t want someone to give me their laundry list of problems as an answer.
My answer these days is “very good,” which is almost always the truth. Then I go on to more specific questions. To me, “How are you” is just a cultural custom, not so much a real inquiry.
I will get a much better sense of the state of the person’s life in the subsequent conversation. I’ve resigned myself to the inanity of the question, and I just play along now.
Hi Ian
I actually sometimes find it stressful asking someone how they are. OK, so partially it’s the introvert in me, but also, I’m not interested in the stock-standard “fine and you?” I’d rather hear the depth, but then I also need the time to really connect on that level.
Juliet
@David It is a convention and one designed for formal or first meetings. But I think one that has spilled over into all areas of life. It’s often used with those close to us and then the convention just gets in the way.
@Juliet Bizarre! I just left a comment over on your blog and come back here and see one from you! You’re right that it can take time. I wonder if there are many things more important than connecting with people though .. even for us introverts!
Thanks for this Ian — I’m impressed by how much just thinking about a simple question like this has helped you learn about yourself. I also thought that a great way to push my edge might be to reveal to someone the similar concerns that come up for me when I have a “how are you” exchange with somebody — like “how am I? Well, first off, I’m concerned that I’m not going to give you the ‘right’ answer, or I’m going to take up too much time, and so on.” I can imagine that feeling vulnerable but creating much more connection than saying the usual “fine.”
I had a conversation this weekend with a woman I was being kind of standoffish with — I came up to her and said “you know, I’ve found myself acting standoffish with you and I want to stop. I’m Chris.” That turned out to be a great conversation.
Hi Ian,
You raise an excellent point. I always find it funny when people ask “how are you” but don’t wait for the answer and just start talking about whatever they want to talk about.
I think people have become so afraid of one another, that they have forgotten that we are all dealing with the same emotions and fears. The human experience is universal but people seem to have forgotten that fact.
I completely agree. In fact and perhaps unfortunately, there are very few people in my opinion who genuinely care to hear the answer at the end of that question. And one thing lead to another and most people just reply back as fakely as that question was posed.
Personally I try to be more conscious of it in my own life and if I ask someone, I really want to be ready for whatever comes and genuinely care and offer that soul whatever they may need that moment.
Good thoughts – thank you!