I’m not telepathic, I never have been and I doubt I ever will. I’m not ruling out the possibility entirely, as evolution (or the Creator, if you prefer that explanation) has worked wonders so far … but I’m not going to bet any money on it.
There are times though, when I tend to treat people as if they do have the power to read my mind, especially in my intimate relationships.
I have noticed that sometimes I hope and wait for, in this case my wife, to notice I want something. It could be as simple as a hug, a small attention or maybe just a smile and a kind word.
I expect her to know what I want and if she doesn’t, then I have a few choice punishments up my sleeve such as the ‘frosty-silent’ treatment or the ‘hurt-Ian’ tone of voice.
She probably thinks I’m just in one of my bad moods and fails to realise (again!) that I’m expecting her to use her finely developed skill of telepathy to read my mind.
Love = Telepathy
The reality is I’m equating love with telepathic skills. The unspoken message is:
“I shouldn’t have to tell you. If you really loved me, you would KNOW I want a hug right now !!”
She’s my wife, after all. Didn’t she get some brainwave make-over the moment she said, “I do” enabling her to read my every wish?
No?
What was the point in getting married, then?
Of course, it’s quite ridiculous, but how many arguments, fights or violence start from this misguided premise?
Empathy is not telepathy
In some stages of a relationship it seems we’re so much in tune we can almost read each other’s minds.
I think it’s possible to build this quality into a relationship, if we allow it and pursue it. It means to become so connected, so open to another human being that we are able to read each other. It’s not telepathy but a quality of mutual empathy and understanding that joins us beyond the superficial.
Certainly I’ve experienced this very intensely in the early stages of a relationship when I’m so open, so trusting that I can reveal anything. I can express my deepest, darkest thoughts and experiences without fear.
It almost seems like telepathy.
But it’s not.
And yet somehow we still hope.
Getting used to each other
I’ve noticed a tendency in myself (and others) to believe that when I’ve known someone for a long time, that I know all about them. When I get used to someone there’s a risk I start making assumptions about them and develop habits and patterns. I stop experiencing them as a constantly flowing, ever changing creature.
I was recently working with a group of couples and one exercise I did was to get them to sit in front of their partner and look at each other for about 15 minutes while I guided their attention in a similar way as I described in ‘Do we REALLY see people‘.
One couple had been married for many years and for them it was an important exercise.
They had simply stopped seeing each other.
They were so used to each other, had known each other for so long they just didn’t notice the depth in the other any longer. That depth was still there and all it took to find it was a few minutes of looking for it.
Telepathy would probably ruin relationships!
While I think that real telepathy might solve some problems, I suspect it would make things worse most of the time.
Can you imagine if other people, especially those close to you, were able to read your every thought?
When thoughts are in my own head I can at least exercise a certain amount of discretion. I can choose which to believe, choose the ones to turn into words – and choose the words I use. Most of what comes out of my mouth has undergone extensive editing and self censorship from the original thought.
Trust me, it’s necessary!
For example, I just got up to prepare some food and my wife moved from the floor where she’d been working, and took my place on the comfortable sofa. Yes, the floor was her choice and no, I do not force her to sit there.
Where was I?
Oh yes, I poked my head around the corner and saw her spread across the sofa (in MY place!) and her papers spread across the remainder leaving no space for me!
This is not a big deal, but the thought that flashed through my head?
“That’s it. I’ve had enough of this relationship. I’m leaving.”
As long as that thought stays in my head I can see how crazy it is, laugh at it and peacefully press ‘delete’. There it goes to my internal waste basket and joins all the other crazy flashes of so-called ‘thought’ that pass through my brain.
Now, just imagine Mona was able to read all my thoughts. Without the same filters and censorship I have for my own thoughts, I could have a disaster on my hands.
On reflection I’m feeling extremely grateful that we have a regular, non-telepathic relationship.
I just need to learn to ask when I want a hug.
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Excellent piece of writing, Ian, and Stumbled. Yes it’s true we start to expect too much of people once we get close to them. I was once asked if I’d wear a special pair of spectacles that allowed me to see everyone’s thoughts. At first I said “wow cool” and later realised exactly what you did – that it would probably be more trouble than it’s worth.
Nice post!
I remember when we first married I expected my wife to know how I was feeling and what I was thinking telepathically. It caused a great deal of strife. I also used to think I could read her mind and I found I was often wrong.
I’ve eventually learned to express myself clearly to her and others without anger. I also learned to ask her questions without assuming that I already know the answer.
Good points Ian. I guess it’s smart to bring a “beginner’s mind” to every interpersonal encounter, even if you’ve known the person for years. I’ll make a point of doing this today
This was lovely, Ian… I was smiling the whole way through (and that’s saying a LOT ’cause I haven’t even had my coffee this morning!) I don’t know *how* Mona puts up with you.
You reminded me of something I’ve heard before… that when you’re FALLING in love, you think you’ve found your soulmate because, “this person knows what I’m thinking and can finish my sentences.” But fast-forward on into the marriage and the same finishing of sentences becomes, “Quit interrupting me!” It’s funny, though, how in the beginning we really do think it’s some sort of telepathy that will spare us all the troubles “ordinary” couples face. THIS ONE can read my mind… yay!
But like you said, that would forevermore suck in actuality. I firmly believe the key to longevity in a marriage is self-censorship. Not all thoughts should be shared with our loved ones.
Thanks, Ian!
This is great stuff, Ian! I think all of us have fallen into the telepathy trap a time or two. I myself am guilty of it far more often than I would like to admit. In fact, that was one of the significant contributing factors leading to my divorce. It took that extremely painful experience to teach me that people (not even my wife!) wouldn’t know what I wanted or needed until I actually (gasp!) told them. Since then, I’ve been much better at speaking up, although I still make the occasional slip from time to time. It takes constant vigilance on my part, though. I have to force myself to remember that people can’t read my mind!
Wonderful post! I often think I can read other people’s minds and that they can read mine, which is definitely not true. It actually causes a lot of problems for me, which is why I wrote my most recent post (you can check it out a: http://positivelypresent.typepad.com). I think there is definitely something to be said about a loving relationship and the idea that you can suddenly communicate on a different level. While this is true to some degree, I think we always need to be conscious about how we are communicating with others because it is so easy to misinterpret things.
Powerful lesson here but expressed beautifully. I’ve been with my husband for twenty-odd years and we have a related ‘problem’. We are so in tune most of the time that the times we’re not can come as a shock!
Excellent post Ian. Isn’t it ironic that we can expect our mates to “just know,” and yet if they expect the same of us we are quick to say: “How was I supposed to know, you have to tell me, I’m not a mind reader!” If we are paying attention as the years go by, we do learn to read the subtleties. We can distinguish the slight change in expression or shift in body language. And hopefully, experience has taught us the best response. When ego distorts our perception there is a tendency to take things personally, that often leads to wrong assumptions and unproductive responses. We should all practice listening carefully with our defenses down and our heart open, like we did when the relationship was young. In the long run, it’s far better than telepathy.
Assumption is the mother of all evil.
Relationships are tough but rewarding. Connecting and maintaining a connection with somebody else requires awareness, effort and, most of the time, a lot of courage. The courage to let yourself exposed exactly as you are. The reward is fantastic, though.
Excellent, and timely piece, Ian.
Hi Ian,
It took Gwynn and I awhile to figure out that communication is key in our relationship! I used to think along the same lines as you and a lot of commentators here that “well you should just know what I want or what I’m thinking” and really, this is so unfair.
In my relationship with Gwynn I’ve even had to give up on subtleties. I love my husband to pieces but subtlety is entirely lost on him
I’ve learned that if I really want something there is no better way to get it than coming right out and explicitly asking for it. Not nearly as fun but it works wonders 
Hi Ian,
This is a great article especially coming from a man. Many have said men and women are wired so differently but not really.
All each of us wants is the love and support from our life companion.
No one wants the mind games to begin.
None of us are mind readers so why should we expect our spouse to be.
What happens is once the games begin insecurity starts and distance right in the same room begins.
What comes naturally- is what spouses and friends have built in repeated rituals,traditions that need cultivated regularly. You nurture your relationship with the element most important and that is communication which includes body language
Cheers
@Daphne It’s probably the same with most of the so-called ’superpowers’. They sound great in theory, but in reality might be more than we can handle.
@Roger Definitely the same as my experience. Communication is much more effective and accurate than assumed telepathy!
@David ‘Beginner’s mind’ .. yes I like that!
@Lisis She doesn’t always put up with me! Fortunately she’s an expert nonviolent communicator as well, so we find a way! I think there’s a lot in that ‘key’ you mentioned. It’s important to be together and apart at the same time. Not to stand in each other’s shadows or tread on each other’s toes. But to be lcose enough to enjoy each other.
@Jay Wow! I know of several grounds for divorce but that’s the first time I heard of lack of telepathic ability as reasonable cause! Sounds as though you’ve moved well past that stage of assuming mind reading.
@Positivelypresent I think the key here is not to make assumptions. Even if we accuratly know what our partner is thinking, it pays to check it out.
@Janice 20 years! That’s very impressive these days and I congratulate you! I love to hear of relationship success stories in these days of high divorce rates (to which I myself have contributed!).
@Jonathan “listening carefully with our defenses down and our heart open” beautifully expressed!
@Dragos Those dreaded assumptions! I find it curious how much I detest people making assumptions about me, yet I’m one of the first to jump in with conclusions and assumptions about others. At least I’m now aware and it gets less and less!
@Sherri I know what you mean, though I’m definitely on Gwynn’s ’side’ when it comes to awareness of subtleties! I do think there are some fun ways to ask for things. After all we commmunicate in many ways other than words!
@Bunny Despite being a man, I hope I have some valid and interesting views on relationships
I’m not sure that I agree with that pop wisdom that men and women are wired differently. I do believe that we all have both masculine and feminine and that they are different energies. It’s also probably the case that most men have a greater developed masculine …
… and now I no idea where I’m going with this so I’ll stop here!
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