As a kid I used to hate this post-Christmas and post-New Year period. The Christmas decorations came down a couple of days ago, school had opened again, TV got boring once more and those new toys either started to fall apart or at least were losing their novelty value. But the part I hated more than anything else were the couple of tortured hours of the ‘Ritual Of The Thank You Note’.
My mother, with positive and compassionate motivation, would sit the three children down at the table and put pens and a pile of blank pieces of paper in front of us. She’d probably been trying to do this for more than a week by now and we’d stretched it out and delayed. Now there were no excuses left.
She would take out a list of all the presents left by Santa, each marked with the name of a relative or family friend. Our task for the next few hours was to write a personalised thank you note to each of the names expressing our gratitude and appreciation for the gifts received.
I had several problems with this routine.
First, everyone knew that Santa brought the presents so I couldn’t see any point in thanking Auntie Susan and Uncle Ken. It was just plain wrong.
Second, as I was the eldest (still am, in fact) I couldn’t plead youthfulness and escape the task. In fact, if I recall correctly, I might even have had to help out my younger sister with her notes.
Third, it was a boring, joyless job and I would rather have done pretty much anything else than sit and write out the same note twenty times. It was like some school punishment when I was forced to write ‘I will not talk during lessons’ 100 times. The notes always came out the same and went something like:
“Dear Auntie xxxx
Thank you for the ______. I really liked it and played with it ___ times over Christmas. Santa also brought me a ____ and a ____ and a ____. We ate turkey and Christmas pudding for lunch and went for a walk afterwards. The temperature was __ C which was mild/cold/ average for the season. Then we watched TV all afternoon while Dad drank beer and sang carols. I had a great day.”
I realise that round about now I’m sounding like a spoilt kid, which I probably was.
The point is that it’s very easy to say ‘thank you’. It’s not so easy to really mean it – I never did in all those ‘Thank You’ notes. All too often it’s used as a throw away comment, a social nicety or obligation of cultural politeness. Even today I often catch myself expressing thanks without any connection to the gratitude and appreciation behind it, and it’s not something I’m proud of.
A few years back I tried a different way with Laura when she was about the age at which I hated the post-Christmas letter writing. She’d received a gift from her grandparents and I offered her a choice:
“Do you want to do these notes the usual way or try another way? The new way will take a little longer because we’ll need to think more about what we’re saying ‘thank you’ for.”
She wanted to do it the longer way, which was a pleasant surprise. I asked her to think about two things:
1. what she’d felt when she opened the gift and to describe those feelings in her note. Did she feel excited? surprised? delighted? relieved? touched?
2. what this gift meant to her and how it made her life better in some way. Did it make her life easier? more comfortable? more beautiful? more enriched?
I’ve found that those two elements add a much greater richness to my gratitude. It works for anything and everything I’m grateful for be it gifts, actions, words of others or simply the small blessings around me everywhere. What feelings are inspired in me and how does it enrich my life.
Much more satisfying than a simple ‘Thank You’.
How do you express your gratitude when you really want it to be heard?
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Oh what a beautiful post. I am very thankful that I made the time to stop and read it in its entirety.
I have taken to writing hand written notes and posting them to the person I really wish to express my deep thanks to. The advent of email and mobiles phones seems to have impeded upon the sincerity and personalisation of receiving a letter than can be read over and over again. I send my notes as a therapeutic gift – the voice of gratefullness that is lying forgotten in the bottom of many people’s brains.
I feel satisfied when I read your posts because you give so much of yourself. You, Ian, are a star.
Mxx
How very thoughtful of you to approach the obligatory “Thank You’s” in such a novel way. I’m sure that those who received Laura’s Thank You notes could tell that they came from the heart.
Hi Ian
What a wonderful way to present this topic. I had to smile reading about the after-christmas-notes. I had forgotten about that!
I think that your two questions to assist in thanking are excellent. Really accessing and drawing attention to those positive emotions can only spill over into creating a happier life.
Thank you
Juliet
Megan … I agree with you completely about the advent of Email and mobile phones. It’s so ‘convenient’ to push off a text message or email almost without having to think about it. Which means we probably don’t think about it! I know I don’t. ‘Happy Christmas’ by text message uggggh! And I’m guilty as charged! I’m so happy to hear that you still use handwriting! That really makes it personal.
Jan … I’m sure too. And I also know that Laura enjoyed writing it too.
Juliet … I just spent a few days with my mother, and you know what? She was still reminding me to write thank you notes! And I’m 45 years old. Bless her!
Thank you for the comments. They really do make my day!
Hey Ian..
Ha! This post made me laugh… reminded me of being young. In the early days I also had to write thank you notes, then it became the dreaded awkward phone calls.. “so… ummm yeah, thanks for your card…” “Have you had a nice day?” “Yes Aunt Hilda…” ….. long pause……. “and are you enjoying school?”
Ahhh you gotta love Christmas… the funny thing is, now I’m getting my kids to do the thanking… they don’t seem to sigh and moan as much as I did when I was young though! I try and be a bit creative like you also…. Hope you had a great break Ian!
Oh, I DETEST thank you notes. Erm. I’m not even going to mention any thank you notes or lack thereof after our wedding.
Speaking of which, CONGRATULATIONS!
It depends on how close I am to the person. I do my fair share of meaningless obligatory thank you notes, but if the person is important to me, I make an effort to truly thank them in a meaningful way. Telling them exactly how their gift enriched my life is a great idea.
This reminds me of my own kids, sitting at the table, writing out thank you’s. We “try” to have them think about what they’re writing, in the end, though, it seems like it’s just a matter of getting them out…
For me, if I do a thank you note to someone – it comes from the heart. I write what I mean, and it’s not superficial. That does mean it takes longer, and it also probably means I don’t send out as many as I could. What does go out, though, I mean…
I like how you’re approaching this.
Ross – Oh yes, I’d completely forgotten the annual telephone call to Aunt Hilda! I thought my mother was the only one in the whole world using the torture of the ‘Thank You Ritual’. Apparently not!
Hayden – There’s a pattern developing … everyone hates writing polite thank you notes (it’s a different story if it comes from the heart!). Does anyone enjoy RECEIVING them?
Vered – I guess we’re all selective. Some people are important to us and those that aren’t are important to someone else.
Lance – I think your approach is a sound one. Why waste time writing notes with no meaning? No one benefits and life’s too short!
Ian,
How gratifying it would be for the person who receives personal notes with matter-of-fact original thoughts. It would certainly add a very personal touch if it doesn’t sound the stereotype ‘Thank you so much’. Also to count will be the freshness it brings in, in relationships.
Good thoughts.
Hi Ian
Thanks for writing about this topic. I can see so many ways learning to write “with gratitude notes” can be developed, for example thank you notes at work with colleagues, thank you notes/emails for great customer service and best of all thank you notes/comments to family and partners for the small ways they contribute to our daily life. I’d love to read more on this and explore some examples.
Pushhyarag – I couldn’t agree more.
Leona – It’s a theme I’m certain I’ll be coming back to many times. Gratitude certainly could do with more attention.
Great post Ian!
I think the reason why it’s so hard to say a meaningful “Thank You” is because we feel obliged to do so. If we can somehow detach ourselves from the feeling of obligation attached to saying “Thank You”, we can then allow our true feelings of gratitude to pour out from beneath the surface.
The option you gave to Laura accomplished this removal of obligation, because it gave her a sense that she had a choice when it came to expressing her gratitude. Either that, or she’s just a great little girl to begin with
I bet it’s a combination of both.
thanks Rahul. Choice is indeed very important. we tend to rebel when ordered to do things. I do anyway
The power of emotions is truly astonishing. People are often unaware of the implications of their feelings. Each human being is given a lifetime of opportunities to work out the significance. Dream analysis is a wonderful exercise for this and so, as you point out, is recollecting why you felt as you did about particular festive gifts. The ritual you describe is more meaningful than you may realize. It is a way to get-to-know yourself ion new levels. That is uplifting indeed.