Silence is perfect, unformed nothingness and stillness. Only in silence is there complete tranquility and peace.
Speaking both creates and destroys.
I create new form out of my thoughts and in doing so I destroy the perfect silence. Every time I open my mouth to give voice to my words I disturb the quiet by creating a vibration, a ripple in the still pool of silence.
I had better make sure I’m creating something of meaning!
A man of few words
I’m usually a man of few words which often triggers infuriation in others. Many times I’ve heard the person I’m with utter the words ‘Say something to me!’
Most of the time my lack of words means I have nothing to say that improves on silence.
No words of wisdom come to me. No insightful thought to share. No experience that might throw light on the situation. I choose to remain in silence rather than break it.
And that can be quite hard for others because we’ve been so conditioned that we tend to forget that speaking is optional. Noise and the human voice is everywhere - radio, TV, gossip in the bar or cafe.
Chatter, chatter, chatter.
Most of the noise we create is a complete waste of energy that adds nothing except background static. The more static, the harder I find it to differentiate those voices worth listening to.
It’s not so everywhere.
A British friend of mine, a manager in a large company in Helsinki, told me an anecdote. One Friday evening he took his team of 3 or 4 people for a drink after work. They sat the whole evening in complete silence. My friend getting more exasperated, bored and worried they weren’t having any fun while his Finnish colleagues silently drank their beer. At the end of the evening they said goodbye and thanked him for a really great evening.
He sensed they meant it.
Sometimes the human voice can be beautiful and the words it produces life changing and I don’t necessarily mean in big ways. A simple warning call, a sentence of wise advice, a question that causes me to step back and think, an expression of gratitude from the heart, a sign of life beyond the passing thought of the moment.
I would like to reduce the amount of noise I produce and create more value when I express myself. I’d like you to do the same!
Some of these ideas might help:
1 Before opening your mouth
- Ask yourself ‘Will what I’m about to say improve on silence’?
- Be clear what you want as a result of opening your mouth. I’ve heard it said that we only ever say 2 things – ‘Please‘ and ‘Thank you‘. At its basic level the first is ‘Please listen to me‘ and the second ‘I want to celebrate‘.
- If you want to be heard, make sure it’s something of value about yourself, your thoughts, your feelings, your deeper self. Ideally it’s valuable for me to hear, too!
- If you want to celebrate, make that very clear. I enjoy an opportunity for a good celebration!
2 When you speak
- Don’t overload me with stuff.
- Give me a chance to listen by pausing when you reach a full stop or question mark.
- Allow silence to hold your words and let me savour them.
- Wait for my reaction before continuing.
3 Get interested in me
- If I’m not asking any questions, I’m probably not curious and your ”please listen to me’ may fall on barren ground. Try asking me something instead of telling me!
- If I’m talking and you’re no longer listening (for whatever reason), interrupt me and tell me you’ve stopped listening. Don’t waste our life force on ‘noise’. You may have been told it’s impolite to interrupt, but in my world it’s worse to fake listening to me.
- Refuse to talk about someone who’s not present. They are not there to hear our feedback, learn from our observations or celebrate what they’ve brought to our lives. In my value system this is one of the highest forms of disrespect.
4 When you’re not engaged in conversation
- Notice what noise you use as background – TV? Radio? Music? Which adds value to your life and which numbs you to what’s really important.
- Develop an appreciation of silence. The more you appreciate it, the less likely you are to disturb it with things that don’t matter.
Do you have any tips for making sure that what comes out of our mouths improves on silence?
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Beautiful, Ian. Absolutely beautiful.
When I first was married, my husband would have his silent moments and it used to bother me. I grew up in a house where silence was used as a way to indicate you had done something wrong. So when my husband would get silent, I would panic that I had done something wrong. He would then have to explain that he just does not want to say something just for the sake of saying it. It made sense to me and it got me thinking about the whole notion of silence.
For me, I always want to be sure that what I say will add to a conversation. I am not very good at small talk. I like to get into all the details and know every little detail. So if there is nothing of value to say, I keep my mouth shut. Years ago when I was in the midst of my identity crisis, I used to always have to have the television on when I was in a room. I came to realize that I needed the noise because I could not stand to be by myself. So once I made peace with myself, the silence became easier.
I’ll be sure and remember these rules when I come visit you in Poland… or Italy… or anywhere on that side of the pond.
I am one of those people that desperately needs the silence. Every once in a while I just NEED all the noise to stop, even lovely noises, like Mozart, or my son laughing. (Although I never seem to get tired of hearing the phrase, “Don’t worry, I’ll do the dishes tonight.”)
I find that my brain just gets “full”… is that possible?
I don’t think I had this problem when I was younger… maybe my brain is shrinking? Fortunately, I married a man of few words so we shouldn’t have too many troubles on this front.
Ian,
This is an incredibly useful post for me.
I tend to talk to much and I’m often uncomfortable with silence during conversation because I interpret it as my inability to connect with another person. But the reality is that silence is useful. My noise-to-signal ratio is too high!
Also, I think it’s more important to be a good listener than a good talker.
Thanks for this post on the value of silence. This is along the lines of an exercise I often have people do when I work with them — just try leaving off the car radio when you drive and notice what you experience. When people get more accustomed to being with themselves in silence, I find, their ability to pay attention in their work and elsewhere increases.
Ian, I’m a little scared to comment
I can’t build on it, your words stand beautifully on their own, but I just want you to know that I really appreciate this post and you’ve written it very well. Thanks!
Well, I really want to say something useful and poignant here, but I have nothing to contribute, other than to ditto what Roger said.
Sorry for not improving the silence with this comment…
“Most of the time my lack of words means I have nothing to say that improves on silence.”
I loved this sentence, and I promise to never again nag my husband when he’s silent.
Well, if you don’t want to speak because you can’t “improve on the silence” then touch, or gaze, or caress. (Assuming it’s your beloved.) I guarantee that if you are making conscious, soulful connection, she won’t wonder why you aren’t saying a word.
Ian,
You’ve improved on the silence with this post. It’s an excellent of weighing our words before we speak, something I need to learn myself. In fact, I’m going to have a chance to practise tonight! There’s a difficult discussion I’m expecting, and when I’m tense I tend to say things that I regret later. I’ll remember (I hope!) to ask if what I’m about to say will improve the silence. Thanks for this.
I do not hear and used to wonder why communication confused me so much.
Until I worked out that hearing people rarely say what they actually mean.
If thought creates ripples in silence-
Then false words are surely pollution?
@Nadia I recognise many things in your comment from my own life some years back. Fear of silence in others (‘what have I done wrong?!!!’), TV or radio always on for fear of .. what, I don’t know but I couldn’t bear silence. Now everything is different.
@Lisis OMG I hope this didn’t come across as a set of rules! Not my intention at all. I doubt your brain is shrinking, but I do notice as I get older (I’m not ‘old’ but you know what I mean), the pace of life slows down and time speeds up. And the enjoyment of silence, for me, is part of the slowing down.
@Roger I’m really delighted this was useful for you, my friend. I’m reading a lot on the blogosphere recently about the importance of listening. I agree with most of it, but I think the skill of mindful expression is just as important as mindful listening.
@Chris I guess many people find that exercise pretty tough!
@Sherri Thanks Sherri. I enjoy the celebration!
@Jay Just leaving a comment is an improvement on blank space. It tells me that people are reading and enjoying and that’s encouragement to carry on.
@Vered I hope your husband appreciates the new, ‘nag-free’ you
@Hayden Don’t worry. I have plenty of other things I can do that don’t involve speaking. I’m pretty creative!
@Daphne I’d love to hear how the difficult conversation goes.
@Sammi Welcome! People not only say something different from what they mean, but also fill the air with meaningless chat .. just for the sake of it. All of it is pollution!
I get quite overwhelmed and disorientated when I spend time in an English speaking country (my native language). Suddenly I can understand all the chatter going on around me and I wish I could just switch off. Not that I wish to lose my ability to hear … just not understand what people are saying.
Ian
You surely broke the blogging silence with a very good reason, your post enriched it and made it better. I would like to read more of these as I do find value and ways to grow in it.
Completely agree about the social conditioning: it’s so much better to just be and let the talking be a second class entertainment.
Thanks for sharing
I am so pleased I stumbled across this. It seems that lately my thoughts have been focused on the intent of words. This post takes the subject to an even deeper level. Quiet is indeed powerful. That’s why we feel so energised after getting away from it all.
@Dragos – I read the post in silence so Ian really didn’t break it with this post!
Just kidding.
Anyway, this is wonderful Ian. That reflection that one needs to use for the words they speak is usually forgotten. I know I always have a lot to say (yup, I’m often quite opinionated) so this is especially tough for me. I’ve definitely learned to hush up and think before ever saying anytime mean or criticizing to others but I certainly don’t apply that in all my chatter as you put it.
I do find that the noise we welcome to our surroundings is often what destroys the value of silence and reflection though. People allow so many things to pollute the silence around them, they really don’t know what silence is, let alone appreciate it.
Great article Ian, very useful with excellent points.
Ian, I should review these bullet lists every time I leave the house. And I know these things, I just constantly, constantly forget.
I love silence, but unfortunately I cannot hear total silence anymore. Due to excessive usage of headphones when I was a teenager, there is a ringing in my ears that never goes away. I can only hear it when there are no other sounds, but I’d do anything to hear total silence again.
But I can still detect stillness, and I appreciate it very much.
This is great post Ian. When I can be with someone and there is a comfortable silence I know that I am close to that person. Often I find with somebody I don’t know so well silence is really awkward and both people are always trying to fill it.
I love the anecdote about the Finns. And the suggestion to stop talking about me and start asking questions about the other person. I have a bad habit of asking a question but then not really listening to the answer and continuing to think my own thoughts. It’s something I’m improving on though.
@Dragos I appreciate your comment! ‘talking as second class entertainment’ .. nice!
@FreelanceWritingQueen I’m also happy you stumbled into me (or my site, anyway)! Completely agree about the importance of getting away from it all. For me that’s a basic necessity – but one I seem to treat as a luxury.
@Mike Thanks for the great insights, Mike. I also have a lot to say but it’s quite rare that I say it. When I check with myself it is rarely quality over quantity
I don’t always control it though!
@David Maybe I’ll consider producing a small, wallet sized checklist to save you carrying the whole thing around with you.
@Tom That’s a wonderful feeling isn’t it? Being so comfortable with someone that you can really enjoy the silence together.
Here’s to speaking our truth. As we know it. For the moment that we know it. Excellent post, Ian. Rich. Thick.
Ian,
This post makes me sigh. It is a wonderful, well written post, but one that reminds me that I do tend to chatter at times, especially when I’m nervous. I also talk to myself…well actually I’m talking to the my dog and cat, but they can’t talk back.
The best times of silence for me is when I sit outside and watch the birds flying back and forth to my feeder. I sit my rocking chair and just listen to their voices…it is very calming. Your post reminds me that I need to practice silence more often, which is a very good life lesson for me. Thank you:~)
@Suze Speaking our truth? Now that’s usually worth breaking the silence for!
@Sara Thanks for the kind words! Funny how we react differently when we’re nervous – I get even quieter! Same with alcohol (not that I drink much!) – it loosens many people’s tongues, but with me it has the opposite effect.
[...] Do my words improve silence? – Quantum Learning Silence is perfect, unformed nothingness and stillness. Only in silence is there complete tranquility and peace. Speaking both creates and destroys. I create new form out of my thoughts and in doing so I destroy the perfect silence. Every time I open my mouth to give voice to my words I disturb the quiet by creating a vibration, a ripple in the still pool of silence. I had better make sure I’m creating something of meaning! [...]
Communication is an art.
It is indeed an art – and probably the commonest form of self expression. Even more reason to respect it!
Thanks ianpeatey. Very important topic for self improvement. silent people learn fast. We Indians need to practice silence a lot… Hope I could….!
I randomly came upon this article while looking up quantum words, and Im glad I did. Your views couldn’t have been put any better, this really resonates with me. I have always been a man of few words, but at times you can feel presured to speak more around certain people. lol Im the kinda guy that drives for long periods of time with no music and absolutley enjoy my self.
In Gratitude
Oh and I find that stopping the mind helps for making sure that what comes out of our mouths improves on silence. This can be done practically by being aware of your thoughts as they go buy and in awareness through conscious breathing at four second intervals. In breath for 4 seconds, hold 4 seconds, exhale 4 seconds and wait 4 seconds continuously. I am sure it is difficult at first but if you stick to it, it will become second nature. So often we are in our minds and it can drive us crazy lol, usually thinking about past or future events. I find that this breathing practice helps tremendously. By stopping our thoughts we naturally speak from the heart our true self which is essentially boundless expression.
In gratitude,
@Paresh Good luck with the practice!
@Nuru Thanks for the kind words and I’m happy this resonated with you! I like the breathing focus. I have found its power several times but tend to mainly use it in stress situations or periods of great calm. I haven’t yet managed to turn it into daily practice but I think it’s worth the attempt.
[...] a few days ago about peaceful communication where ian peatey pointed so wisely to listening (and silence) as a good communication tool (which again reminds me of my post on improving on silence – it just [...]
[...] after my own needs, but I also want to pay attention to the speaker’s needs. After all, they are giving me a gift by trying to express something. I assume it’s important to them or they wouldn’t be making the [...]
interesting… I have never thought about the notion of silence but i have noticed a lot of “noise” around me. I have friends who love to hear themselves talk. I work in a call center where all i do is talk. Hell sometimes i talk to myself…. but to just embrace the silent moments as a good thing i have never done.
Lately i was starting to think that when i am silent people are wondering what’s wrong with me so i end up just adding to a conversation that i really don’t care about, or saying something that doesn’t have any purpose in making anyone’s life any bit better. Silence is not a bad thing.
I will definitely practice this more often. Make use of it all.
Thank you for this post, I’ve needed a reminder about the constant stream of chatter in my life. I’m going to practice this while at a cook-out tomorrow! I also second the portable checklist : )
I’ve the same temperament. I’d rather listen and divine what the other person is really saying… Sometimes words can be a cover up for something. I know because I use words to put up a wall. Strange huh? It’s easier to go pick someone else’s brain than have them pick yours. I’d rather go on the offensive by asking probing questions.
Your story of friends who went for a drink and practically said nothing to each other all night was wonderful. I’d love the company of such self-assured friends myself. Perfect understanding of each other without words to sully the moment.
I guess some prefer to talk and others to listen – I’m definitely more of a listener, except when i get on a subject I’m passionate about.
Silence is safe. I’ve read somewhere that we all have conversations going on in our heads, all the time.
Hi Crista. I certainly experience my brain as being pretty active .. conversations all the time. Well, almost all the time. That’s one reason I appreciate silence as it’s a break from the non-stop activity.
I stumbled-upon this post and was intrigued by its timing. As I was wishing that my kids and their friends would be quiet, I read that “Speaking both creates and destroys” I’m at peace with their noise now, cool post.
Imelda
Hi Imelda. Great to hear that sentence brought some peace to you – probably to the children as well!
[...] Do My Words Improve Silence? [...]
Thank you for this.
Nice post.
I would add the only really axiom in the universe, as voiced best by “Mike Dooley” at tut.com: “Thoughts become things”. No matter that it is a good thought or bad one,
so contemplate well in ’silence’ before focusing your intention.
Thanks Joe. I like the quote .. and the extension that we really need to focus intention.
I used to wonder why so few people appealed to me. I have my husband and a friend who talks alot, and I can tell her I need “down time” and she leaves me alone to process. The rest, well every time I get in the world what you have written helps me confirm why.
Good words.