Conflict gets a lot of press, most of it bad, and I’ve often wondered why that is.
It seems to me that conflict is a natural consequence of the wonderful array of difference between us. Imagine a world without difference – horrible! More than that, I believe conflict is a huge source of creativity and energy for constructive action. Where there’s difference, conflict is never far away and I’d prefer to embrace that than avoid it.
Conflict isn’t the problem. How we react and deal with conflict is.
The ‘traditional’ approach to conflict is two sided – ‘my way’ and ‘your way’. In fact, there’s a third side – the solution, the ‘way forward’ or ‘our way’. Conflicts can only be solved creatively and peacefully if we can put our energies into finding that third way.
It’s not easy, not because it’s hard, but because our conditioning and our egos get in the way.
What I learned as a kid
The main conclusion I formed as a kid about how to deal with conflict was that it required the skillful or intelligent use of force: either physical or psychological. Films, TV shows and comic books were my staple entertainment diet, feeding me a picture of conflict as a confrontation between opposing sides (usually one ‘good’ and one ‘bad’). The two combatants dealt with their differences by battling it out – with words, fists, guns or armies – until one side emerged victorious. Winning was for heroes, losing for suckers!
At school (and at home too!) I learned how to argue a position, debate a motion or prove a hypothesis. None of these are particularly creative in that they tend to be about rehashing existing knowledge rather than creating anything new. Not always, of course, but how often in your own academic life did you create something completely new?
It’s not my intention to blame the media or education system, just to point out the popular image of conflict resolution. We’re just not taught constructive ways.
But they do exist and, I believe involve three key steps:
Step 1 Give up attachment to ‘my way’
This part is 100% in my control and, theoretically at least, the easiest.
Some people interpret this as giving in, which is not what I mean. Giving in, or avoiding conflict (for example, to maintain harmony), is a perfectly valid option though not without significant risks. It could be the start of a slippery path for later abuse of my goodwill and perceived weakness. I certainly don’t recommend doing this regularly in any close or important relationship – unless you want to be a doormat.
What I mean is letting go of my attachment to my position. Accepting that I only have part of the picture and that any solution (if that’s what we’re aiming at) might be different from what I have in mind.
I prefer to get clear for myself what’s at stake for me. What’s really important to me in this situation?
Security? Respect? Love? Understanding? Freedom? Creating something new?
Some people call these my interests, others my needs or values. By getting clear about these, I’m more likely to open to the possibility that ‘my way’ is not the ‘only way’ and, indeed, might not even be the ‘best way’.
It helps to do this if I can loosen the grip of my ego.
Step 2 Persuade you to give up attachment to ‘your way’
This can be the hard part and where things can get a bit sticky and messy, unless I’m really skilled and have earned a lot of trust from you. I’m trying to get you to do what I’ve done for myself in the first step.
Some things that may help (none of these are guaranteed!):
- empathy … you’re more likely to loosen your attachment if you sense that I’m genuinely interested in, and understand, your needs and interests
- assertiveness … if you believe that I’m not going to give up my core needs and interests you’re more likely to take me seriously
- openness to discuss … if you hear that I’m willing and interested to explore a way forward that embraces both our needs and interests you’re more likely to co-operate
- patience … if you see that I’m willing to invest time in this and not rush either of us to a quick fix you’re more likely to invest as well
- honesty … if you hear that I’m telling you the truth, even (or especially) when it’s unpleasant then you’re more likely to trust me.
There may well be times when I just can’t get you to give up your attachment to ‘your way or no way’. I believe in those situations my obligation is to protect my own interests and needs, whilst doing everything I can not to damage you. Walking away from the situation, forcefully defending myself or surrendering to you are all possible strategies.
Again, my ego will surely have something to say!
Step 3 Work on the solution together
This is the fun part.
We’ve built trust, we’ve got energy, we’ve got mutual understanding and we’ve got all the interests and needs on the table.
Now’s the time to create ‘our way’ and we’ve already got two great ideas to start us off – ‘my way’ and ‘your way’.
What would the world look like if everyone approached conflict this way?
Similar Posts:
- Nonviolent Communication (NVC)
- A World Where Conflicts Are Solved Peacefully
- Being right
- The beauty of differences
- They did, we did … I did
- Fanatic – the power of listening
You are right, we are not about constructively arguing, instead we go around pissed off over the drop of a sentence that we did not like.
Why isn’t a conflict viewed as huge opportunity?
but wait, if the masses saw it this way, then things would be boring, so its all about balance.
TOM – I think it’s not viewed this way because many of us are scared by the emotions inspired by conflict. Rather than tapping into the creativity of those strong feelings, we tend to either avoid them … or respond to them in destructive ways.
As for getting boring … I think boredom is a lack of imagination rather than a lack of violence.
Empathy is very effective in resolving conflict. Most often folks just want to be “heard”. When we really get them and acknowledge that we have, conflict tends to lessen naturally.
Thanks for this inspiring question.
“What would the world look like if everyone approached conflict this way?”
Hi Ian,
You’re so right that conflict is not the problem. I know people, and I used to be one of them, who get stressed whenever there’s an argument happening. Now I accept that arguments WILL happen, but we can conduct them calmly and effectively. Your point about giving up attachment to ‘my way’ is truly key.
Hi Ian,
I’ve frequently been annoyed by people who avoid conflict and prefer it when they will argue with me. It’s so true though that conflict resolution is rarely perceived as a constructive process.
I agree with Tom about wanting to be heard. When I worked in Technical Support people often just wanted to rant. Instead of giving then excuses and reasons for the problem I would just listen. They would wind down and then be ready to be helped. I always thought of that job as 1/2 technical and 1/2 counseling.
Nice post, Ian, as always.
I agree about people wanting to be heard. There is something that has to happen inside the person who is doing the listening though, and that requires a genuine suspension of their one’s own agenda. Only after we’ve really heard the other person is it time to consider how their energy can mix with our own to create something new. It’s subtle, but effective.
You make a good point Kim.
I work in a call centre, so I get calls from angry customers and it works wonders when you just let them rant on until they cool down
Hi Ian
Good steps on handling conflict.
I think sometimes conflict or the potential for conflict can cause people to turn away or hide, so there is also a point about standing up for oneself.
Juliet
TOM V – I am a great believer in the amazing power of empathy. Not only listening, but really giving my full attention.
DAPHNE – I also think that conflicts sometimes need a bit of juice which can come from the strong emotions. That stress can be healthy, just as constructive expression of anger can be healthy too. Not all conflicts need a calm approach – but in most cases it does help.
KIM – In those situations I think it’s not only wanting my rant to be heard but also acknowledged. You don’t have to agree with me, but if I’m angry then I at least want my right to be angry to be accepted. Telling me that I’m wrong, or that I shouldn’t be angry is only going to fuel the fire. Sounds like you made a great Technical Support person!
SUZE – It’s a bit like a dance! Could be a passionate tango or a controlled, elegant waltz.
TOM – I find anger always cools down … it’s just finding the most appropriate way to allow that to happen. Just listening is often the best way.
JULIET – which is why I think assertiveness and the willingness to defend myself if necessary, are crucial skills in handling conflict.
I think the first step to loosening your grip on your ego is to be able to apologise to people for being incorrect or wrong. I’ve found that once I can do that, I have a much stronger bargaining position as people know that when I’m wrong I’ll admit it.
And in answer to your question about what the world would look like; http://energy-sculptor.com/images/world%20heart.jpg
NATHAN – thanks for visiting. I also agree that admitting my mistakes is important … and sometimes conflicts are caused by a mistake I made (though not always). I like the picture!
Hi Ian~
Thank you for visiting my blog & for your wonderful comment.
I’ve really enjoyed reading some of your blog & I will be back.
The world is changing. If one person changes, the world changes. Then when one more person joins them it multiplies powerfully. It may be 16,000 people at this point, but imagine the power of 16,000 people committing to make a difference…
Thank you again Ian!
CYNDEE – You’re very welcome! And for those who don’t know what Cyndee’s referring to (probably everyone except me and her!) it’s this movement http://www.itakethevow.com/ – a simple but wonderful idea. Check it out!
“What would the world look like if everyone approached conflict this way?” No doubt it would be a better world, although I do believe a violent approach to conflict – just as conflict itself – is part of human nature so that a lot of work is needed to relearn how to handle it.
VERED – I doubt we’ll ever find an answer because it’s so much rooted in culture, but I personally don’t believe that violence is in human nature. I think it’s something we’ve learned – not that that makes it any easier to relearn new approaches. And, of course, we may well be defining ‘violence’ in different ways too.
As a species it seems to me we’ve got three basic choices … 1) keep the world just as it is 2) make the world a worse place 3) make the world a better place. And if we choose 3) then the question is whether or not violence helps us get there …