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Posts under ‘Me, Myself and I’

5 Ways To Live With Fear

Feb 15th, 2010
by ianpeatey.
5 comments

Fear gets a lot of attention in the self development world – some of it rather negative.

Fear is one of the reasons that people don’t get what they want in life.

Fear is the most pervasive psychological problem we have today.

I disagree with this! Fear might not be very enjoyable but, as with many things I’m born with, is a wonderful tool! It’s like the lights on the dashboard of the car communicating that something urgently needs attention. When my needs for safety and security are compromised, fear is my internal warning sign.

Imagine having no mechanism to warn of danger. It would be like driving that car with no instrumentation, no headlights and with my eyes closed.

Exciting, yes, but probably a short-lived trip!

Fear becomes a problem when I misunderstand it, misuse it or allow it to hide what’s essential. I believe I need to develop my  personal relationship to fear on my path to inner peace.

Here are 5 traps I can fall into when I don’t effectively use the fear signal on my personal ‘dashboard of life’.

1.   Pull Out The Wires

If I don’t like the warning lights on the dashboard I can disconnect all the wires.

Hey presto! No fear!

If I can numb myself enough, fear won’t register and I can ignore danger. The price I pay is also to numb myself to all the wonderful things life can bring me.

Modern living gives me a whole range of possibilities for unplugging from the experience of living so if this is your chosen way to live with fear, then try some of these for enhanced effect:

  • take drugs – plenty are available legally, many without prescription
  • watch as much TV as possible – preferably soaps, reality TV and mindless game shows
  • get a routine job – the less mental and physical activity the better

2.   Dance In The Disco Lights

Picture a disco with lots of different lights coming from every direction.

Fear comes in many shapes and sizes, from mild nervousness through to paralysis and panic, and all the shades of fear try to grab my attention. These can be confusing and it’s not always easy to distinguish the feelings and read the signals. Some of that fear might be an urgent warning while others are gentle reminders of things needing attention.

Dancing the fear ‘disco lights’ is most likely from trouble differentiating between fear signals or it could be from an addiction to the adrenaline rush of living the life of a disco dancer (‘Saturday Night Fever’, anyone?).

If this is your way to live with fear:

  • live ‘on edge’ 24/7 – you never know when danger will come
  • treat all danger as equal and life threatening – well, it’s best to be safe isn’t it?
  • react immediately to the slightest sign of fear – don’t think, just do it
  • move as fast as possible from one trigger to the next
  • deal with multiple ‘emergencies’ at the same time.

3.  En-light-enment

If I have no attachment to anything at all I have no need of fear – it becomes a useless tool and disappears from my life.

Danger is only relevant if something I’m attached to is threatened in some way. If I’m not attached to anything then threats have no effect on me and I will feel no fear.

Probably.

Things I might typically be attached to:

  • money – fear of losing it or not having it
  • health – fear of getting sick, of disease
  • image – fear of looking stupid or making a fool of myself
  • life – fear of death.

I’ve heard some people define ‘enlightenment’ as the release of all attachment and hence the removal of fear. This can be a very seductive idea and I’ve met a few people who live by this philosophy. It’s hard to have much of a conversation with them as they seem to be floating in the air and there’s little common ground!

If this is the way you choose to live with(out) fear then be prepared to lose:

  • all possessions
  • everyone you know
  • your identification to everything other than your spiritual core
  • life itself.

That’s not to say you will lose these things, but your reaction to doing so is the only sure way I can think of to test whether you have lost attachment or not.

[On a side note: I find this a great way to look at life, but not especially practical for the vast majority of us. I do want to make conscious choices about the attachments I form, accepting fear as a possible price I pay. For example, I am attached to my own life and those I care about - I accept this comes with some fear when those are threatened.]

4.   Seduced By Bright Lights

There are plenty of people out there with an interest in keeping me afraid.

Not least of which are all those working in organisations profiting from my fear. The more afraid they make me, the more they profit – and I’m not talking about some secret mafia!

a.  Insurance

It’s  a dangerous world so insurance seems a very sensible thing to buy. The industry has a vested interest in pointing out all the things that can go wrong – theft, flood, accident, illness, old age. Even acts of God (though if I read the fine print I may find I’m not actually covered for those!).

b.  Banking

My money is clearly not safe so, for a small fee, banks will look after it and protect it. After all banks never fail, do they?

c.   Defence

The companies involved in defence might not sell to me directly, but they need my support to ensure vast budgets (from my taxes) are allocated to them. The more I fear foreign invasion, terrorists and attacks on my precious way of life, the more I’ll support money for soldiers, weapons and expensive trips to foreign lands.

d.   Health

Most of the ‘health’ industry is, in fact, more interested in my sickness than my health. There’s not much profit in me staying fit and well all the time.

e.   Media

Disaster, pain, suffering, violence gets my fear-adrenaline flowing in way that warm, safe stories don’t. It’s addictive and it sells.

f.   Government

Obviously my government passionately wants me to be happy and fulfilled with life. I have to vote for them, though, and an effective political tool is to generate fear – of economic collapse, invasion by foreign armies, cheap foreign labour and subversive ideas.

Ways to get seduced by all these shining lights:

  • buy and read as many different newspapers and magazines as possible – the more sensational the better
  • watch / listen to 24 hour News channels
  • spend as much time as possible around politicians
  • invite an insurance salesperson around for coffee
  • get to know your bank manager (like in  the good old days!).

5.   Blinded By The Light

Ever caught a rabbit in your headlights?

They sit there, unable to move. We tend to think this a very stupid thing but it’s a very valid fear mechanism – I imagine it worked pretty well before the advent of the motor car.

Freezing in the face of fear works if the danger will pass by without bothering me. It can also be as effective as it is for the rabbit going head to head with a fast approaching vehicle!

I have this paralysis response as part of my fear/safety toolkit. I’ve been in tight spots where I was completely unable to do anything. I’ve also been motionless in the face of nervousness around things I really want to do. And sure enough, those great opportunities just fly past withouth paying me any attention!

Here’s a few tips to get in the mood for this approach:

  • list all the exciting things you’d like to do in this lifetime
  • against each item note all the things that could go wrong
  • ge creative, e.g. if it involves flying – write down all the possible ways the plane might crash
  • visualisation – close your eyes and for each disaster scenario imagine you are in the middle of the crisis.

Any tips you’d like to share for allowing fear to dominate your life?

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Sting Of The Scorpion

Jan 19th, 2010
by ianpeatey.
14 comments

Scorpion wants to cross the river so approaches Crocodile to ask for a lift to the other side.

“Scorpion!“, replies Crocodile. “Do you think I’m crazy? I’ll get half way across the river and you’ll stab me with that sting of yours. I’m a crocodile, not an idiot.”

“Oh, Mr. Crocodile!” replies Scorpion. “I’m no idiot either. If I sting you in the middle of the river you’ll sink to the bottom and, as I can’t swim, I’ll surely drown! Now, I think you’ll agree that would be very idiotic of me to kill both of us. And … I promise not to sting you.”

Crocodile thinks about this for a moment, is swayed by the logic in what he hears and agrees to take Scorpion across the river. They set off, Scorpion safely nestled on his back.

In the middle of the river, Scorpion brings out his sting and stabs Crocodile in the neck. Crocodile turns his head to look at Scorpion and with his dying breathe asks,

“Why did you do that? We’re both going to die. It just doesn’t make any sense. And you promised!”

Scorpion shrugs his shoulders.

“It’s not my fault. Hey. I’m a scorpion and that’s what scorpions do.“

I was brought up on a staple diet of happy endings, so when I first heard this ancient fable, I was shocked. How could the scorpion do that? What kind of cruel, dark world does this point to? Are we really trapped by some pre-determined programming – and if so, what is it?

There are many things in this story. Trust, the irrationality of behaviour, the occasional cruelty of life. There’s one area, though, I’m going to focus on here.

Trapped By Our Nature?

The one that strikes me most is how much violence is justified by thinking we’re trapped by some pre-determined programming. At the most obvious level it’s the commonly held belief that we’re by nature violent hunters. I don’t want to tread on worn ground here … but, come on! Just look at our bodies. Where are the vicious claws or the hunter’s teeth?

Even if we were pre-programmed towards violence, rather than peace, it doesn’t mean we have no choice.

We’re not like the scorpion, no matter how comforting it might be to hide behind this. It’s comforting because if we’re fulfilling some pre-formed conditioning then we don’t have to take responsibility for our actions. The scorpion shrugs his shoulders and says, “It’s not my fault. I’m not responsible for stabbing you.”

I’m reminded of those horrific situations where ‘terrorists’ take hostages and issue demands, threatening to harm the captives if they’re not met. It’s usually followed (at least in Hollywood movies) by some comment like, “If you don’t meet our demands, the hostage’s blood will be on your hands. It will be your fault if we kill them.”

The unspoken assumption is , “Hey ! We’re ‘terrorists’ and that’s what ‘terrorists’ do. IT’S NOT OUR FAULT.”

Give me a break!

Our genes and our upbringing no doubt shape us, but at a certain point we have to take responsibility for our lives and our behaviour.

“My mother didn’t love me enough. My father was never around. I went to a bad school,” might work up to the age of sixteen (maybe a bit later for some). As an adult they’re feeble excuses for not making different choices about what we do.

[I know my Mum reads this from time to time, so Mum - these comments are not mine and they're not directed at you or Dad.]

Day to Day Identification

If I’m honest I often unconsciously identify myself with something and then act out from that identification. When I’m unaware then it’s hard to do something about it, difficult to recognise I have a choice.

One reason I’m passionate about self-development is that it helps bring those hidden things into the light. It helps me identify when my scorpion sting is busy wreaking havoc with my life.

When I’m aware, I have more capacity to choose the actions that make life better for myself and those around me. It’s a long and sometimes rocky road and one without a particular destination other than a desire to make a positive contribution to the world.

A couple of examples I noticed over the last years:

  • I’m an introvert – which I use to justify withdrawing from the world, closing down from time to time with even those people closest to me, and avoiding social situations like the plague.

The sting? Depression, loneliness, loss of friendships, lethargy … and it’s confusing, frustrating and worrying for people in my life.

  • I’m a man – which justifies a whole range of ‘manly’ things such as using logic in emotional situations, an almost obsessive desire to fix things and a refusal to ask for directions even when hopelessly lost.

The sting? Trouble dealing with the inherent messiness of life and relating to emotionally charged situations … and again it’s frustrating and disconnecting for others (especially the females in my life).

Noticing these things doesn’t necessarily change what I do but it does make my actions conscious and I’m more likely to manage the fall-out. For example, I still withdraw – but it’s a conscious choice and I can communicate to those around me that I need my space right now rather than mysteriously disappearing.

I take the venom out of the scorpion sting.

I don’t drown and those around me don’t get poisoned.

We all make it safely to other side.

What do you identify with and act out?

What difference would it make to you and others if you did so consciously?

PS I forgot to mention that my star sign is Scorpio. If I ever sting you then please forgive me … it’s just the way I am ;-)

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Letting Go, Moving On

Jan 4th, 2010
by ianpeatey.
29 comments

We’ve lost many of the rituals and rites of passage that marked important transitions. One we’ve thankfully retained is celebrating the change from one year to the next. It can be easy to forget, though, as we party and toast the New Year that to move forward we have to let go of some of what has gone before or we risk getting tied down by the threads of our past.

Life is like a circus trapeze act. Imagine the acrobat, the bar gripped firmly in her hands. Ahead is the bar she needs to grab onto. That bar ahead is the future and the graceful, effortless flight from one bar to the next is the acrobat’s purpose, her reason for being.

One crucial thing has to happen before flying through the air and safely arriving on the next bar.

She has to let go of the bar she currently holds.

So in life.

We have to let go before we can move forward.

Letting Go Is Not Always Easy

I’ve not yet flown on a trapeze but I imagine one thing the acrobat needs to deal with is fear of letting go.

That fear is understandable.

What is in my grasp is familiar and safe and, no matter how attractive the way ahead, I fear a fall. No matter how painful it is where I am, letting go comes with uncertainty. Will the change be better or worse? Will I manage to hold on? Will I cope?

I believe understanding and releasing what holds me back is crucial to live a full and successful life – and there’s no time like the present for doing it.

We hold on to … PEOPLE

Not one of us is entirely alone. Some have huge circles of family, friends and acquaintances, while others have very few people around. Some of those relationships have been with us for many years and some are new. Each one of them serves some purpose in our lives – to give us love, belonging, learning, friendship, partnership or just fun.

Mourning is widely recognised as an important process when someone dies, when a relationship breaks down or when someone moves away. Even though it can be very hard when they leave, we somehow recognise the importance of letting go when the relationship end is outside our control.

But what about those people who are still in our lives and hold us back in some way?

Those who criticise our choices and are always looking for fault (some ‘friends’ or members of the family, perhaps?). Those we’ve known for ever and the only thing holding us together are memories of a distant past (old friends?). Those with whom we are ‘unnaturally’ dependent (grown up children? parents?). Or perhaps just those we don’t enjoy any more and somehow still keep meeting them.

Who is holding you back in some way? Who are you holding onto?

It’s probably time to update the relationship with an honest heart to heart and either change something or leave them – with gratitude for what they brought to you.

We hold on to … MEMORIES

Great things happen to all of us. Terrible things do too.

That’s life.

Often we hold onto the past long after the events have finished. We get nostalgic for our memories of better days and we get triggered into pain or anger by memories of things we’d prefer to forget.

The past is dead – but not buried for as long as we keep it alive in our memory. And as with all things that are dead, memories decompose and fester.

The good memories take on a sweet, rose coloured decay and, while they may be comforting in difficult moments, they are dead and gone. They stop us living our lives here and now. They make it harder to deal with the challenges of today because our energy is sucked into regret for the lost times that have been.

And the bad memories get relived over and over in our minds, bring us down and rot our hearts. They also stop us living our lives here and now. They keep us stuck in anger at the things that, in a just and loving world, should not have occurred. The reality is that they did happen – just we haven’t buried them yet.

What memories are you holding onto? What unburied things do you keep alive in your memory?

Perhaps it’s time to let them go and move on? Release them by talking to someone or maybe writing them down and burning the paper. It may not happen overnight but take a first step.

We hold on to … THINGS

Unless you’re a naked hermit living in a cave and off the land you’ve probably accumulated a few material possessions. Perhaps even a lot of them.

Of course we need some physical things to support our lives, for convenience or because they look good. I’m certainly not advocating removing everything. I am advocating being honest with ourselves about what things hold us back from making the next move in our lives.

Maybe it’s our home and the mortgage attached to it? Investments where we’re often checking the share prices? Furniture that we inherited? Or perhaps small things, such as gifts or paintings by the kids, that represent old memories?

Each thing we possess needs a certain amount of maintenance – repairs, cleaning, painting, servicing, etc..

But there’s also emotional maintenance we invest in these objects. The resignation (or delight?) that we’re stuck in this house for the next 24 years of mortgage payments. The pride as we show off our child’s prize drawing from 18 years ago. The worry that grandma’s antique table will get scratched every time someone visits.

I sometimes imagine everything I own is attached to me by an invisible thread. Some threads are thick and strong, while others are thin and easily broken. Individually, each thread is manageable and doesn’t hold me back in any significant way. Collectively, if I allow it, they tangle me up and tie me down.

What things hold you back?

Now’s a good time to let go of some of the things that weigh you down and hold you back. Sell them, give them away or discard them. Put them into storage if you really can’t face letting them go – but make that first move.

We hold on to … DREAMS

Personally I believe it’s our hopes and dreams that give us fuel to create great things in our world. Our dreams of how things could be, shape our actions to improve our lives and those of the people around us. I don’t know for sure, but I suspect only human beings possess the capacity to dream and to lose that entirely would be a terrible thing.

I also believe if we hold onto dreams when they no longer serve us they get in the way of moving forward. Letting go and mourning unfulfilled dreams is crucial to give space to new, more compelling dreams.

Maybe our life turned out differently compared to the dreams we had when we were younger. A project we dreamed of winning that went to someone else. A person we dreamed of being with who chose another. Any disappointment, regret or anger we feel in relation to our dreams is possibly a sign we haven’t moved on and are still hanging on.

What dreams have passed their shelf life and need to be discarded?

Now’s the time to mourn those dreams and let them go. Find new, better dreams that could flourish in the space you give them to grow.

A book I can recommend is ‘Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes’ by William Bridges. I found this incredibly helpful at several stages of my life where I was struggling to deal with change and letting go of the past.

Good luck! Enjoy the flight from the past to the present.

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What Are You Waiting For?

Nov 17th, 2009
by ianpeatey.
13 comments

How much time do you spend waiting? For people, for appointments, for trains, planes or buses. Or maybe you wait for things to get better (or worse), for time to pass, for a lucky break, for the right moment, the right person … for many things.

Some years ago I was late for a business meeting. As I rushed into the room I apologised and thanked him for waiting. His reply stays with me to this day.

“I wasn’t waiting,” he said. “I never wait. I always have something to do. Something to think about, a problem to mull over, an idea to contemplate, reading to catch up. And if I don’t, I just quietly watch the world go by and enjoy the moment.”

Whenever I waited I used to get frustrated with the waste of time or bored with the emptiness. Either that or I’d blame what I was waiting for or blame myself for waiting.

Waiting is a choice

People are late for many reasons.

Trains leave when they leave.

Things will get better (or worse) when they do.

Time will pass with or without me.

I don’t believe in lucky breaks.

The right moment is now and the right person is whoever I’m with.

Nothing and nobody forces me to wait. It’s always a choice I make. I can choose to wait or I can choose to do something (or nothing) and choosing to wait in suffering serves no meaningful purpose.

Waiting is a state of mind.

Waiting is not an activity, not something I do, but a limbo I impose on myself. It’s an artificial construction of my own mind in which I imagine I’m ‘doing’ waiting.

If I can create a waiting state of mind then I can also choose to create the opposite – a ‘not-waiting’ state of mind. It’s easy and anyone can do it just by deciding to.

Catch the thought ‘I’m waiting’ and change it to ‘I’m not waiting’

Waiting is giving away my power

Every minute I wait is a minute I give away to someone or something else. Unless I’m donating it willingly and joyfully it’s a minute I’ve frittered away. It’s not only time I’m giving away, but my power that comes when I take control of my life and responsibility for what I do.

I’m a victim.

Mostly the recipient of this time is completely unaware they’ve received something from me. They didn’t choose it, they didn’t value it, they could do nothing with it. It’s wasted and comes with all the negative energy I’ve attached to it.

When I ‘not-wait’ I take my life in my own hands and there’s no room for blame or resentment or frustration.

Don’t wait for anything

Get creative.

  • Think about something. You always have your mind with you, so use it to solve a problem, make a plan or reflect on an experience
  • Carry a small notebook with you and write
  • Make a call you’ve been meaning to make
  • Catch up on some reading
  • Leave and go do something
  • Enjoy the break and do absolutely nothing

You may just find that when the person or thing you are ‘not-waiting’ for arrives, you welcome it joyfully and enjoy it as an unexpected pleasure.

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7 Lessons From Losing My Hair

Nov 14th, 2009
by ianpeatey.
16 comments

I started losing my hair in my late twenties, and for the last 8 years or so I’ve shaved off what’s left. I’d kept it short for several years before, but still it was a bold, bald move.

574667_bald_head_1

And as with any bold move there are some great lessons to learn.

Lesson 1- when something is inevitable, there is no real fear

My father is bald on top as were both my grandfathers. For as long as I can remember I told myself it was inevitable I was going to lose my hair naturally and I never feared it. I’m not saying that hair loss IS inevitable – just that in my belief system it was.

Judging by the proliferation of expensive hair loss treatment around, I’m guessing that many men do fear going bald and refuse to accept it as inevitable. That’s fine for them – and maybe these treatments work.

A few things are inevitable, though, no matter how much I want them not to be. For example, I’m going to continue to get older and I will eventually die.

My early acceptance of hair loss was an important lesson than when I accept the inevitability of something – then my fear of it diminishes.

Lesson 2 – the mind is more powerful than genetics (possibly)

I thought (still do!) that my father was a pretty cool guy and I look a lot like him. My slightly younger brother, on the other hand, has a full head of hair. I suspect that my acceptance of fate was more powerful than the genetic cause of my hair loss.

I have no doubt that we largely create (or at least influence) our reality through the power of our minds. Accepting baldness may well have become a self-fulfilling prophecy, so I’m very careful these days about what I accept as truth.

Lesson 3 – simplicity saves time and money

spock.0.0.0x0.325x396I used to detest going to the barber and paying someone to cut my hair. I just can’t stand strangers touching my head. I know many people love having their hair pampered at the salon – but that was never my scene at all.

When I was growing up my mother used to cut it (think ‘bowl cut’ aka ‘mushroom head’ aka ‘The Spock look’) and that was fine until I left home.

Now I can do it myself, anytime, anyplace. Or sometimes Mona does it, which is a very intimate pleasure.

This was the first step I took towards a simple life style – and the same virtues are true of simplicity wherever you find it. It saves a lot of time and there is no simpler or cheaper way of keeping hair than not having any.

Lesson 4 – when I hide who I am .. I hide who I am

Through my teens and twenties I suffered from very low self confidence. I believed I had a lot to offer the world but just couldn’t find any voice to let it out.

I can track an inverse correlation between my general confidence levels and the amount and length of my hair. As I lost my hair I found more and more confidence in myself and I got another boost when I started shaving it.

There are many possible cause-and-effect explanations, of course, and I can never prove one over the other. It does seem to make sense though, that the more I hide my physical body (hair, clothes etc.) the more I’m likely to hide the rest of myself.

Lesson 5 – vanity is not attractive .. but the human body is perfectly designed

1889I do confess that one reason I keep my hair shaved is that I think it makes me look more sexy. Also, I know that if I grow my hair longer then I’ll probably look like the pointy haired boss in the Dilbert cartoons.

I interviewed Mona who said,

‘Many women find it irresistible.’

I’m not revealing what question I asked, of course, nor whether Mona is one of these ‘many women’. But the point is that bald men do have a certain physical appeal. Think Yul Brynner, Bruce Willis, Sean Connery, Homer Simpson or George Clooney without hair.

See what I mean?

Only by shaving my head did I discover just how perfectly formed the human body is. Unless you suffer from Peladophobia (fear of bald people), in which case you’d probably prefer George to keep his hair.

Lesson 6 – I am not the centre of the universe

It took some courage to shave my head for the first time. In fact I was so worried about what people would think. I chose to do it at the start of a three week holiday so my friends, colleagues and the general public, wouldn’t see me.

When I got back, I decided to keep it because I liked it so much and, much to my surprise, hardly anyone noticed. I didn’t attract stares as I walked down the street, nobody commented and I even started to notice many people keeping their hair as short as I do.

I realised that most people are not the least bit interested in what I look like and I am not the centre of the universe!

Lesson 7 – things grow even though I can’t see them

I can’t see it grow, of course, but I’m certain it does. I cut it down to less than a millimetre and 10 days later it’s length has increased tenfold.

I find this pretty amazing – my body is busy growing hair, slowly but surely and I’m not aware of it.

Everything changes over time, even when I can’t see things moving. I’ve learned to trust the invisible powers of life and beyond.

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