I found one way is to take regular ‘Moments Of Peace’ – short oases of attention to allow the turmoil of the day to fall away and recharge my inner space.

Here are 24, easily available moments to get you through the day.

Start Of The Day

1.     Before everything starts

I always aim to get up early, before the rest of the city wakes. You don’t even need to go out to feel the fresh energy of the new day. Whatever went before was yesterday and today is a chance to start again.

Imagine you’re standing with your back against an impenetrable wall and know there’s no turning back. Remember the rest of your life starts now, this moment, and you have this new day to take your first steps into it.

2.     Sunrise

The ancients worshipped the sun as the bringer of all life and heralded the sunrise as the daily metamorphosis from night to day. This time of day is full of expectation for the new day, cool before the sun brings its warmth, dark before it brings its light.

Watch as the sun slowly appears from below the horizon and gradually shows its face.

3.     In traffic

Sitting in traffic can be very frustrating, if you choose it to be. Alternatively you could let go of your desire to control things and relax into the uncontrollable. There is nothing you can do to make the cars move faster, no matter how hard you will it.

So stop willing it, relax your body in the safety of the metal cocoon you call your car.

At Work

4.     Arrive early

I don’t recommend it as a habit, necessarily (though avoiding the traffic can be a huge benefit) but from time to time can be very refreshing. No phone calls, no one wanting your time is an ideal moment to be with yourself and your thoughts.

A few hours early before everyone else arrives can allow concentrated, stress free time.

5.     Mundane tasks

I had a period where I would photocopy binders for training courses I was running even though I had an assistant who was paid to do this, and more than capable than I! The repetitive and mundane nature of the work allowed me to calm down.

Find something with a rhythm, turn off your brain and just be with the task at hand.

6.     Waiting

Waiting for a meeting (or ‘not-waiting‘)? Put aside your impatience and idea that this is wasted time and enjoy the moment of no obligation and nothing to do but sit and wait.

Stop checking the clock as it won’t make time pass any faster, and sit back and let time itself hold you.

7.     In the toilet

Strange thing to suggest, I know, but it’s probably the only place where you can almost guarantee that nobody is going to pester you. Don’t use it more often than is biologically necessary or you may get stuck with a reputation.

Close your eyes (to forget the location) and enjoy those few uninterrupted moments of solitude.

8.     Go for a walk

Even in the middle of a city or an industrial park there are open spaces. They may not be green and beautiful but any change of scene, or move outside into the air (ideally fresh!) can be a wonderful way to gain composure.

Figure something out or just to take a short peace break.

Out And About

9.     Church or temple

Places of worship hold the prayers of the ages in respectful silence. You don’t need to have any religious convictions to use them as an escape from the rush of the streets. Here there is no space to be busy, just you and the divine. Or you and nothingness, if that’s closer to your beliefs.

Find a quiet place to sit and take in the sacred energy available for all those willing to tune into it.

10.     People watching

You can do this anywhere at all. A café, a bench or just sit on the steps and stop. The peaceful moment is in the contrast between your tranquillity amongst the chaos.

Sit and watch the people rushing to work, home or meeting as you take a moment to be rather than do.

11.     Watching clouds

We owe our lives to the clouds. Contemplate a world with no clouds – no rain, no plants, no animals, no food, no life. Lose yourself in the ever changing shapes and patterns across the sky.

What pictures, what messages can you see in the clouds?

12.     Hugging trees

Yes, it’s a hippy thing, but just try it. Trees are often unnoticed, yet everywhere.  Feel the bark under your fingers, imagine the roots burying deep into the ground and allow yourself to be held in its strength. Ask yourself what events has it witnessed?

Put aside the New Age associations (if that helps), find the oldest tree you can and put your arms around it.

13.     Swings

I know kids playgrounds are meant for children, but we all have a child deep inside. There’s something deeply peaceful about moving without purpose, knowing that no matter how hard you push, you’re just not going to get anywhere.

Find a free swing and just sway back and forward, feeling the air on your face.

14.     On safari

If safari to Africa is out of reach then create your own local one. Animals of all kinds are everywhere, in plain view or hidden away. You can find them in the fields, forests, gardens or walking down the street.

Spend a moment searching for as many species of mammal, bird or insect as you can and remind yourself that you share the world with them. Do this with your kids for an extra bonus.

Anytime, Anywhere

15.     Breathe

Three deep, controlled breaths with full concentration on the in and out works wonders to remove stress, emotion and find the peaceful place underneath. When you’re tense your breathing becomes short and shallow but you rarely notice it.

Bring your awareness here and savour the air as it fills your lungs. Exhale and allow all the stuff you’re holding onto to leave your body. Three times. In and out.

16.     Conscious clearing of thoughts

Takes some practice, preferably a quiet place to sit and maybe one of the various techniques available.

Try this one. Imagine an empty sky in your mind’s eye. Thoughts appear as clouds floating slowly across the sky. The thoughts gradually change shape and slowly disappear from view or are vaporised by the sun shining in your sky.

17.     Stop what you’re doing right now

This is probably the easiest and the hardest at the same time. Most of us keep busy all the time and find it very difficult to get out of it. A time of no tasks, no movement, no thoughts.

Just stop! Everything. Allow the wave of time to pass without responding to the impulse to surf it.

18.     Count to ten

It’s a cliché, I know, but it does work. A conscious, slow count from one to ten provides a rhythm and an inner slowing down. Don’t rush it and do count all those numbers to feel the stress fall away bit by bit with each number.

One … two … three … four … five … six … seven … eight … nine … ten.

At Home

19.     Doing the chores

Most chores can be turned into a meditative routine and so present an opportunity to switch brain to off and lose yourself in the task.

Ironing, washing up or washing the car require almost zero brainpower – use them to turn brain off.

20.     Sunset

Watch as the sun slowly disappears below the horizon and gradually hides its face. As the day draws to a close, remember what the day has brought you. Things to be grateful for, things to mourn over, things gained, things lost.

Who touched you in some way during this day? Who did you touch in some way?

21.     Cleaning your body

Take a long hot bath, a short shower or just a moment to splash cold water on your face and allow your tension and troubles to be washed away with the dirt. Enjoy the freshness outside and inside.

Imagine everything that weighs you down right now disappearing into the drains with the water – flowing far, far away until they are gone.

22.     Gazing into eyes

They say that our eyes are the window to our souls. Our souls are beyond all the cares and worries of our physical world and, while we may not always be in touch with our own, we can access that place through the eyes of another.

Gaze deeply into the eyes of one you love and be transported to a place where there is only peace and tranquility.

23.     Hug

Consider how much peace there is in the innocence of a hug. Or how much peace in the safety you give in your hug. No expectation, no attempt to get anything – just the desire for two people to be close and wrapped in each other’s warmth.

Hug someone close to you and the moment you would normally break the embrace, stay with it and go deeper into that physical connection.

24.     When all is done

That moment at the end of the day when all is done. Chores are finished, computer is off, TV is shut down, lights are going off, bathroom routine finished. Before settling down to sleep take a moment to allow the days’ activities to fall away.

Nothing is left for the day …

… only peace.

Post from: Quantum Learning

24 Moments Of Peace

To Judge Or Not To Judge

Raw judgements rarely help us except in urgent situations where we don’t have time to process our thinking. A figure approaching us from a dark alleyway with something silver glittering in its hand is probably going to trigger a judgement that this is ‘dangerous and bad’.

Our snap judgement could be wrong, of course, and there’s a chance (albeit very slim) they might have a handful of silver they want to give us. We’ll quite rightly respond to our immediate analysis by taking action – running away and shouting loudly would probably be a sensible thing to do.

At a basic level we think something or someone is ‘good’ or bad’ and at more advanced levels we have a rich vocabulary of adjectives to name our judgements.

Whatever level we operate at, those judgements are our thoughts. No more, no less.

Those thoughts often interfere with our capacity to fully experience life, and especially the people we share it with.

Many of us can recognise judgements as they pass our minds and see through them to reality, but it takes practice to consistently transform them from static statements of perception to more flowing and deeper explorations of our experience.

I believe this is true whether our judgements are ‘negative’ or ‘positive’.

The Mona Lisa Is Very Small

I remember my only visit to the Louvre in Paris when I was about 22 years old. It’s packed with some of the greatest works of art we’ve ever produced.

I walked from one painting or sculpture paying cursory attention to each with an internal running commentary going something like this:

‘That one’s nice. This is ugly. This one is beautiful.’

5 seconds at the Mona Lisa was enough to conclude ‘It’s small’ before passing on. The most famous painting in the world – and all I took away from it was its size!

With each piece I was more focussed on judging and categorising than I was on experiencing it. What a missed opportunity!

Now I realise that I used to do the same with people – still do sometimes, but I’m learning to change.

Transformation in 3 Steps

I’d like to share a simple 3 step practice that I’ve been using for a few years that has helped me immensely. It works equally well with things I don’t enjoy – but I’ll stay with the positive things to illustrate the practice.

1. Observation
2. Feelings
3. Life enrichment

Step 1 Observation

I experience the world, then I filter it through my memories and belief systems, analyse and interpret it. Presto! Out pops a judgement. Instead, I try to imagine a full sensory video camera recording and I’m watching / hearing / touching /smelling / tasting the replay.

By bringing myself back, as far as I can, to what I actually see, hear, touch, smell or taste – without my ‘black box’ processing – I can find greater freedom in relation to it.

As an example I’ll use a true event, with the name changed (but you know who you are!).

Judgement - Katarzyna is a thoughtful, sensitive person with impeccably good taste in what she reads.

Transforms to – Katarzyna said to me last week that she reads my blog every few days, has printed out several articles and one article in particular touched her so much she cried.

The judgement stops me exploring further and takes my attention away from, in this case, the words I heard. Transforming my judgement allows me to savour the sensory experience.

Step 2 Feelings

Feelings are an important part of my humanity and I want to experience them as fully as possible. They are mine and do not belong to anyone else – in fact, people can’t make me feel anything. They’re involved but are the trigger and not the cause – more like catalysts.

When I believe they cause my feelings then I risk setting up an emotional dependency that reduces freedom and autonomy for both of us.

Judgement - Katarzyna makes me feel moved, grateful, proud and inspired.

Transforms to – I feel moved, grateful, proud and inspired.

The difference is subtle yet important.

The transformation helps me enjoy my feelings as coming from within and from my experience of life rather than received from the outside world.

Step 3 Life Enrichment

My life is continuously enriched in so many ways. It can be hard to define exactly which aspect of me is being enriched and words are often poor guides to describe this. Yet finding words is often the only way I have for connecting with that life energy deep within.

Judgement – Katarzyna cares and respects me and finds my writing meaningful and helpful.

Transforms to – My life is enriched through my needs of respect, meaning and making a difference to other people.

By finding the elements of my life energy (I call them ‘needs‘) that have been enriched I can connect more deeply to myself – and to Katarzyna. In this place I feel gratitude to Katarzyna for telling me this, and to myself for my role in the creation.

In this place I’m not focused on who is giving and who receiving – we are both givers and receivers. The transformation breaks down the boundaries between us and helps me connect to the universal life force that binds us all together.

Tips On Using The Practice

At first it may feel a little artificial and take time to transform judgements, but after a while of regular practice it becomes natural and automatic.

• Gratitude journal – Keep a daily journal to use the 3 steps to record a few things that happened during the day that enriched your life. 5 – 10 minutes a day is a small investment in gratitude to others and to yourself.
• Expressing gratitude – Practice using the 3 steps to express gratitude when someone does something that you enjoy. Tell them what they did, how you feel about it and how it enriched you.
• Transforming criticism – Use the 3 steps to transform negative judgements. The process works equally well with things we don’t enjoy and the ways our lives were not enriched.
• Share your experiences – If you use the process and find it helpful, bookmark this page and come back and leave a comment. That way you’ll enrich my life and maybe inspire others.

PS – I know the title is grammatically incorrect, but I think it sounds better that way. You know … ‘To boldly go’ versus ‘to go boldly.’

Post from: Quantum Learning

How To Fully Enjoy Life

It’s something like how a tree grows. The rings of the trunk show how much it has expanded in any given year, varying in thickness from puny thin ones to nice fat juicy ones. Yet this hides a whole story of periods of calm, sunny weather, icy winters and violent storms. Each contributes something to the growth.

We learn in chunks and make step changes and I think it’s true whether I’m learning a new skill, a language (I wish!) or the continual development of myself as a human being. Sometimes the steps are huge breakthroughs – ‘Eureka’ moments where something that didn’t make sense suddenly falls into place, or something I just couldn’t do suddenly seems easy.

I had one of these ‘big step’ learning moments over the weekend as I wrote about in Living in denial. I got to thinking – what were the conditions that allowed that to happen, and could they then be replicated to provide a more regular stream of breakthrough moments?

Here are the 5 key conditions that I believe facilitate ‘big step’ learning:

1   Readiness

I was ready for a change, ready to learn something potentially profound, ready to take action – in short ready to learn.

That readiness came after a period of frustration, idleness, confusion and maybe I can even say a minor depression. I was noticing lack of growth, questioning many aspects of my life and feeling more and more ’stuck’. This period prepared the ground for something to happen. It churned up the earth to allow a seed to be planted. It wasn’t necessarily pretty or enjoyable but was an important stage.

It doesn’t have to be that way and looking back at some of my other big step moments, just as many were born from periods of great openness and joy. I was also ready but that readiness was held with a lighter touch and a loving hand. This time it was dark and gloomy, next time it might be light and joyful.

2   Seeding

There was a catalyst. Something happened that sowed the seeds of change – in this case I read something provocative. The ground was ready, so the seed quickly took root.

The article took 8 minutes to read and stirred up a very strong reaction lasting several days. That reaction was lots of questions and searching for answers and some profound insights. The questions, answers and insights were all mine but wouldn’t have grown without that initial provocation.

Seeds can come from many different places. I try to collect them (books, clippings, web bookmarks, dreams, people, ideas of my own etc.) because I’m never sure when they might be needed. This time the seed came at the right moment. At other times I’ve known where to look in my seed collection.

3   Environment

For learning to take place the environment needs to be right and that’s going to depend on what the learning is.

With my big step I read the article on the morning I was leaving for a few days in the mountains. In the peace and tranquillity of the mountains I had nothing to do and I’d deliberately left all work, reading, computers back at home and took only my wife (forcibly stripped of work, computer etc). I had been expecting purely to get a break and there was I had no intention of any major soul searching.

I couldn’t have designed a better environment – the pressure-free time and space combined with connection to nature was just what I needed. If I’d been learning something else I would have needed a different environment.

4   Nurturance

For seeds to grow they need care, attention and the basic fundamentals taken care of such as light, water and food.

It’s the same with learning and growth, the seeds of change need to be loved and nurtured rather than neglected or beaten up. If my child learns to ride a bike, chances are she’s going to fall off. I’m not going to ignore her or punish her for not getting it right! She needs to be held, encouraged and helped to see she’s still perfect and loved.

In my case I had Mona with me, who is an expert listener. No judgement. No criticism. Someone to share what was happening, someone to react and help me build on my thoughts and ideas. In short, someone to hold me while I journeyed on a voyage of discovery. And we had a great landlady preparing fresh, simple home grown and cooked food.

Also important is self-nurturance and gentleness with myself which allowed me to be with the questions and not force answers. No self criticism. No beating myself up.

5   Application

Learning can be a wonderful experience by itself, but ‘big-step’ learning needs to have a purpose or an application of some kind. The application might not always be obvious at the time but if there is none then the learning will almost certainly be lost.

A language needs to be used, a bicycle ridden and self development improve my life in some way.

I reached some conclusions over the weekend that have practical application. I want to take some action with them and I can see the fruit of the learning. It will make a change in my life – I’m assuming for the better.

I’d love to hear your experiences of breakthrough moments in your self development?

Post from: Quantum Learning

5 conditions for ‘big step’ learning

Learning how to harness my anger is a skill I’m learning and, I believe, important for a nonviolent lifestyle.

We all develop our own ways to manage the adrenalin and stirred up passion that comes as part of the anger package. I was raised to believe that ‘nice people don’t get angry’ so my approach, for many years, was to suppress it whenever anger reared its head.  The problem, of course, is that we all feel anger sometimes and internalising it turns the violence in on myself and stores up all manner of health and psychological problems.

Another  approach is to give full and violent expression to my anger. Losing my temper in this way has happened to me (that’s how it feels anyway!) a few times in my life  and many people say they feel just great after this. Well, a build-up of pressure feels uncomfortable and release feels good, like having a full bladder! My problem is this kind of carthartic explosion tends to damage those around me and I feel terrible about it afterwards.

How can I use anger peacefully and effectively?

Step 1    Stop! and read the signs

“Seeing red with anger”

• Pause
• Acknowledge anger as a friend
• Own my anger

Being emotionally intelligent includes being skilled at recognising and accurately reading emotional signs and not allowing them to blind me. Usually a deep breath or two gives me the pause I need to welcome anger.

Anger, as all emotions, is a friend and a signal that something’s up and requires attention. Usually anger warns me an external event is not in harmony with my values and it gives me an energy boost to allow action. Chances are I have a few seconds, maybe longer, to decide what to do about the situation.

A common misreading of the signal is to believe someone is at fault and is making me angry. No-one makes me angry. No-one has the power to force any emotional state or sensation onto me. It is as much about my own values as it is about the actions or inactions of someone else.

2   Open up my brain

“Blinded by anger”

• Examine my thinking

When I’m angry my thinking is chaotic, cloudy and exaggerated. Have you ever felt furious on reading an unpleasant  mail only to come back to it the next day and wonder why you were so riled up?

When I stop for a few seconds and have a quick review of the words jumbling around in my head, I find many such as ‘Should not’, “Can’t”, “Wrong”, “Bad” all directed at the object of my anger. My own judgemental thoughts are fuelling, maybe even triggering, my fury and pointing it at a person or even an inanimate object. The actions of others are not always innocent or well intentioned, but my anger tends to add that particular veneer, even when it’s not there. The less I see the human being in the other, the more likely I react violently.

I’m not trying to change my thinking, just straighten out the confused mess. By observing my thoughts for a moment, they stop controlling me and I take back control. In doing so, I notice the intensity of the anger softening a little and I create more space for peaceful action.

3   Identify what’s REALLY going on

“How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it.” Marcus Aurelius

• What are the external, unfiltered facts?
• Which values of mine are crying out?
• What possibilities do I have for immediate action?

Before responding to my anger’s call for action I find it sensible to make sure I know what’s really going on – externally and internally.

I find the following questions helpful:

a)  What would a video camera record if it was filming the situation I’m immersed in?

b)  How would an observer, with no interest in the matter, describe what’s going on?

c)  What values or deep principles of mine are being violated – expressed in single words or short phrases (security? peace? respect? understanding? freedom? etc.)?

d)  What values or principles of the other person might be being violated?

e)  What do I want to happen (ideally at least 3 different options)?

As I ask myself these questions I often find the anger transforms into something else such as fear, disappointment, frustration or confusion. These are less intense and easier to harness but I can still keep the passion.

4   Communicate my intentions peacefully!

“Speak when you are angry–and you will make the best speech you’ll ever regret.” Laurence J. Peter

• Check my intention
• Choose my action carefully
• Communicate what I want to happen or protect myself (or others)

Nothing requires me to say or do anything, although the energy of anger can be pretty irresistible. First I check that my intention is peaceful. If there is any desire to hurt the other, I go back to the previous steps until the desire has gone and give it the time it needs.

Once I’m clear about my peaceful intention I then decide whether to protect (using force or escape) and what to say.

I want to choose my words carefully to avoid judgement, criticism or any form of attack (I’ll probably get the same back) and clearly request what I want to happen. A request NOT to do something leaves room for interpretation about what I do want, so I avoid that. Also a wish for the future lacks immediacy, so I put the request in the present moment.

My anger gives my message a kick so that it’s much more likely I’m going to be taken seriously.

5    Developing the new habit

• Reflect regularly

At the risk of stating the blindingly obvious, a change requires doing something differently.My response to anger comes from a habit that’s developed through my whole life and I’ve not yet found a way to change overnight. An ingrained habit such as my anger strategy probably requires a bit of patient poking – like trying to remove a deeply embedded splinter.

If you choose to follow some or all of the steps above I advise patience!

As a first step you might use the approach to analyse and pull apart a recent situation where you felt angry. Make a commitment that every time you feel angry, over the next two weeks, you’ll pick that apart too – once you’ve calmed down. The more frequently you look the easier you’ll find it t0o see.

After a few situations you’ll notice the cool off period gets shorter until eventually you don’t need a cool off period at all. You’ll find you are catching the anger early and dealing with it as it arises. With practice you’ve befriended your anger and it’s stopped controlling you.

Now you are in control of it and have a powerful tool in your hands.

Post from: Quantum Learning

Stop making me angry!

‘You are so lazy!’

From those four words there are several possible paths to take. I could write about the challenge of ‘being’ versus ‘doing’. Or I could explore why the inner critic always seems to address me in the second person. I’ll leave exploring those for a later day when I’ve got more energy for a longer article. When I’m not feeling so lazy.

Instead I’d like to share a wonderfully simple and effective method for taking the sting out of any judgement, whether from my inner critic or from the mouth of a fellow human being.

Try this.

Add the word ‘sometimes‘.

See how easy it is?

My inner critic now says ‘You are sometimes so lazy’. Now the statement is pefectly true as I am lazy sometimes, and sometimes I’m not!

Try it with criticism you hear from someone else.

“Ian, you are really selfish and inconsiderate”

Well, yes! Sometimes I am …. and sometimes I’m generous and sensitive to others.

“Ian, you write short, throw-away posts”

Sometimes I do.

Post from: Quantum Learning

Have you ever been lazy?

It seems to me that conflict is a natural consequence of the wonderful array of difference between us. Imagine a world without difference – horrible! More than that, I believe conflict is a huge source of creativity and energy for constructive action. Where there’s difference, conflict is never far away and I’d prefer to embrace that than avoid it.

Conflict isn’t the problem. How we react and deal with conflict is.

The ‘traditional’ approach to conflict is two sided – ‘my way’ and ‘your way’. In fact, there’s a third side – the solution, the ‘way forward’ or ‘our way’. Conflicts can only be solved creatively and peacefully if we can put our energies into finding that third way.

It’s not easy, not because it’s hard, but because our conditioning and our egos get in the way.

What I learned as a kid

The main conclusion I formed as a kid about how to deal with conflict was that it required the skillful or intelligent use of force: either physical or psychological. Films, TV shows and comic books were my staple entertainment diet, feeding me a picture of conflict as a confrontation between opposing sides (usually one ‘good’ and one ‘bad’). The two combatants dealt with their differences by battling it out – with words, fists, guns or armies – until one side emerged victorious. Winning was for heroes, losing for suckers!

At school (and at home too!) I learned how to argue a position, debate a motion or prove a hypothesis. None of these are particularly creative in that they tend to be about rehashing existing knowledge rather than creating anything new. Not always, of course, but how often in your own academic life did you create something completely new?

It’s not my intention to blame the media or education system, just to point out the popular image of conflict resolution. We’re just not taught constructive ways.

But they do exist and, I believe involve three key steps:

Step 1 Give up attachment to ‘my way’

This part is 100% in my control and, theoretically at least, the easiest.

Some people interpret this as giving in, which is not what I mean. Giving in, or avoiding conflict (for example, to maintain harmony), is a perfectly valid option though not without significant risks. It could be the start of a slippery path for later abuse of my goodwill and perceived weakness. I certainly don’t recommend doing this regularly in any close or important relationship – unless you want to be a doormat.

What I mean is letting go of my attachment to my position. Accepting that I only have part of the picture and that any solution (if that’s what we’re aiming at) might be different from what I have in mind.

I prefer to get clear for myself what’s at stake for me. What’s really important to me in this situation?

Security? Respect? Love? Understanding? Freedom? Creating something new?

Some people call these my interests, others my needs or values. By getting clear about these, I’m more likely to open to the possibility that ‘my way’ is not the ‘only way’ and, indeed, might not even be the ‘best way’.

It helps to do this if I can loosen the grip of my ego.

Step 2 Persuade you to give up attachment to ‘your way’

This can be the hard part and where things can get a bit sticky and messy, unless I’m really skilled and have earned a lot of trust from you. I’m trying to get you to do what I’ve done for myself in the first step.

Some things that may help (none of these are guaranteed!):

• empathy … you’re more likely to loosen your attachment if you sense that I’m genuinely interested in, and understand, your needs and interests
• assertiveness … if you believe that I’m not going to give up my core needs and interests you’re more likely to take me seriously
• openness to discuss … if you hear that I’m willing and interested to explore a way forward that embraces both our needs and interests you’re more likely to co-operate
• patience … if you see that I’m willing to invest time in this and not rush either of us to a quick fix you’re more likely to invest as well
• honesty … if you hear that I’m telling you the truth, even (or especially) when it’s unpleasant then you’re more likely to trust me.

There may well be times when I just can’t get you to give up your attachment to ‘your way or no way’. I believe in those situations my obligation is to protect my own interests and needs, whilst doing everything I can not to damage you. Walking away from the situation, forcefully defending myself or surrendering to you are all possible strategies.

Again, my ego will surely have something to say!

Step 3 Work on the solution together

This is the fun part.

We’ve built trust, we’ve got energy, we’ve got mutual understanding and we’ve got all the interests and needs on the table.

Now’s the time to create ‘our way’ and we’ve already got two great ideas to start us off – ‘my way’ and ‘your way’.

What would the world look like if everyone approached conflict this way?

Post from: Quantum Learning

Conflict Is Not The Problem

“I lay on my bedroll, drinking tea and watched the colourful panorama pass by the window: green fields, young wheat, yellow mustard, rustic dwellings and attractive wells, all set off against a beautiful sky that gave way to the sunset. When we stopped at a station I was captivated by the kaleidoscopic scene, full of interest and excitement – crowds of different races, pedlars, gurus with their chelas, fakirs with huge snakes around their necks, vendors selling sweetmeats, brahmins, beggars, betel-nut sellers – the whole sub-continent, it seemed, represented in a single setting. I was entranced by the whole journey.”

He then meets Bill in the hotel in Puri, as agreed, and asks him about his trip.

“”A bloody awful one” he replied. “There was so much rattling and yelling, the noise was unbearable; the flies were awful, the people smelt almost as badly as the shit – ” he went on and on about it.

I then discovered that we had both travelled on the same train.”
I love this story. The conclusion Peter then draws is that I attract what I look for. When I look for the negative – that’s what I get. Look for the positive and I’ll find that.

Collecting the pieces of the puzzle

I draw another conclusion from this story.

All of us perceive the world through our own senses and react to them in our own unique way. Put any two people in the same situation and they’ll experience it differently. All the time. Who’s experience is the right one? The answer, of course, is both are right … and neither are right. Each of us has only a small piece of the whole picture, one element of the jigsaw puzzle.

I’m faced with this moment by moment and I’ve basically got two choices:

1   Try to convince the world that my piece of the puzzle is the only piece.

2   Try to collect as many pieces as possible to make sense of the picture.

Which is the sane approach and which is the commonest approach?

As the old saying goes ‘Common sense isn’t very common’!

One of several important things I picked up at the ‘Big Mind‘ retreat in Ameland was the importance of how I use  language. It wasn’t new to me, but a very clear reminder about using personal pronouns – especially first and second person (‘I’ and ‘You’).

I try to be very careful in my writing about how I use personal pronouns. Talking about ‘I’ and ‘Me’ does sound to me a bit egocentric at times but it’s very deliberate. When I use the first person I’m attempting to convey my experiences, my views, my piece of the jigsaw puzzle. If I was to use the second person, the risk is that you might hear me as trying to impose my truth onto you. And if it doesn’t agree with your view then you’re likely to have a defensive reaction.

Compare for example:

“… I attract what I look for. When I look for the negative – that’s what I get. Look for the positive and I’ll find that.”

with

“… you attract what you look for. When you look for the negative – that’s what you get. Look for the positive and you’ll find that.”

The difference is subtle but, I believe, crucial for reducing the amount of violence in the world.

The second sounds to me more like a lecture, a lesson for you about a universal truth. You may well agree, in which case we probably stop exploring the idea and congratulate each other that we’re like minded people. Neither of us learns much. On the other hand you may disagree and we’re more likely to start a debate about which of us has ‘the truth’. We may learn something from each other, but debate tends be confrontational rather than exploratory and often turns into argument.

I much prefer the first because, even when we disagree, the chances are that you’ll find it more inviting to share how you see it and I can learn and add your view to my own, and vice versa. We both pick up another piece of the puzzle of life.

Personal pronouns – the solution to peace?

I used, of course, a very mild example. Consider though the conflicts in the world.

Most (if not all) have their roots in two sides trying to impose their truth on the other side. It basically boils down to fighting about which side has the greatest claim on a piece of land, the right ideology or has superior racial roots.

How different would the world be if we all were seeking to understand each other instead of trying to educate each other?

It could be that paying attention to personal pronouns saves lives!

Post from: Quantum Learning

Me, you and us

If you’re like me, then you’ll have developed habits around dealing with these difficult messages and  automatic responses make it hard to remember there’s a choice about how to react. My own habit was to go into silent shock and criticise myself with some internal finger pointing.

Where did this habit come from?

The first part of my adult life was spent trying to please others: subjects I studied, career (accounting, of all things!), job, buying a house, getting married, running a car. All of this was to keep the people in my world happy. None of it really made me happy, but what the hell if everyone else is happy!

With this motivation, any attack, criticism or insult went right to my core. I was failing to please someone so there must be something wrong with me! Ahhhhhh!!!!!!! As you can probably guess, my self esteem was not sky high with this approach to life!

What changed? One thing was when I discovered* that I have 4 broad choices in hearing these difficult messages.

1. Attack the message giver
2. Attack myself
3. Listen to myself
4. Listen to the message giver

An example might help.

I was in my early thirties and my assistant at the time had just made a huge mess of arranging a conference I was responsible for. I knew it and she knew it and it was one of those situations that, if undealt with immediately, could have wrecked my career. I stayed very calm, we fixed the problem  and then had a ‘review’ of this major mess up. She sat there quivering with nerves as I started, very calmly and logically to go through what had happened and what we could learn from it. After about 5 minutes she could stand it no longer and blurted out,

“I messed up. We both know it. Any NORMAL person would have got angry and shouted at me. But not you. You are such a COLD FISH – it’s impossible to work with you!”

Hmmmm, that was difficult to hear.

How could I have reacted?

1   Go on the attack – with her

It was her that screwed things up, not me! How dare she criticise me? She’s completely incompetent and if I hadn’t stayed cool, calm and collected there’s no way we’d have recovered from the mess she’d caused. I’m not cold! I’m in control … and that’s what a good manager needs to be, especially with someone as useless as her! Grrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!

I suspect both of us would have ended up worse off with this approach. But isn’t this pretty common? … after all, attack is apparently the best form of defence.

2   Go on the attack – with myself

She’s absolutely right. Any one with balls would have at least raised their voice. What a weak, cowardly person I am. I’ll never make it any further as a manager – she needs strong, assertive leadership. Not only that but I’m devoid of emotion generally. Nothing affects me. Am I dead?

This was what I did at the time. Fortunately I managed to transform it later as it didn’t help my self esteem too much.

3   Listen – to myself

I’ve not heard anyone say that before and I don’t like hearing it. I’m confused and not sure if she’s talking only about this situation or about working with me in general. I’d like to be understood that I was trying my best to solve the problem and I really care about this work. I’d also like her to hear that I care about her and I don’t consider losing my cool to be respectful.

Now that’s a bit softer! I’m neither agreeing or disagreeing but just opening myself into an enquiring frame and with this energy I might discover something useful about myself in this feedback.

4   Listen – to her

Wow, she seems really upset about this. I guess she would have liked to have done a great job and she’s disappointed about what happened. Maybe she’s also looking for more passion and energy in her work with me. Perhaps she wants honest, direct feedback and communication.

Again that’s softer. With this energy I might discover something useful about her from this feedback. For sure we’re both more likely to get something out of the situation and maybe learn about each other.

I’m not claiming that 3 or 4 are easy, and it requires skill and presence to choose these responses over  attacking. What I’ve written here are more like internal monologues and choosing if and how to verbalise the response is another skill to develop.

What I can say is that when I have chosen 3 or 4 the difficult message has always turned out to be the start of an important and meaningful exchange.

How do you habitually react to difficult messages? Does it work for you?

*at a workshop on Nonviolent Communication

Post from: Quantum Learning

Insults, nonviolence and fish