You may have noticed the theme of this site is nonviolence as a lifestyle and maybe you’re wondering if it’s relevant to you. I’m guessing this because when I mention my work in the area of nonviolence I often get the reaction:
‘That’s great! But I’m not violent’
I fully understand, because I thought that until a few years ago.
I was brought up in a family of tolerance, calmness and peace. I never got in fights, didn’t hit anyone, shout at or insult people. If anyone had told me I might consider adopting nonviolence as a lifestyle, then I certainly would have given the same reply.
‘But I’m not violent.’
My personal revelation
I had a personal revelation (or perhaps it was a revolution) in 2001 when I attended, what I expected to be, a business related conference focused on the learning organisation (Peter Senge’s ‘The Fifth Discipline‘ was flavour of the month at the time).
Indeed there were many interesting things at this large conference and I got my first taste of NLP, meditation, accelerated learning and other wonderful approaches to self development.
Scattered between the array of smaller workshops were keynote presentations by apparently famous people I’d never heard of before and I found myself in Marshall Rosenberg’s slot. He was giving a brief introduction of Nonviolent Communiation (NVC) and, frankly, if I’d noticed the title I would have given it a miss. I wasn’t violent so how could it be relevant to me?
Those 2 hours were like a cold shower – very uncomfortable but left me refreshed and tingly afterwards.
Another analogy that comes to mind is that I was invited to lift the carpet on my spotlessly clean home, only to discover layers of dust underneath.
I realised, violence was engrained in my way of thinking, my behaviour and my appoach to life and other people. It was very subtle and easily missed under the covering of ‘nice person’, but was unmistakeably and undeniably there.
Looking back, it was the subtlety that scared me the most because subtle things often go unnoticed.
After I’d seen it in myself it became clear I was both a giver and receiver. It was also in everyone I knew – with no exceptions. Not only that, I saw the hidden strains of violence deeply embedded in the society I grew up in and still live in.
How am I violent?
If you’ve read this far then probably around this point you’re wondering what on Earth I’m talking about.
My personal definition of ‘violence’ is quite broad. It’s an intention and action to inflict either physical or emotional suffering. I know the definition is imperfect so please don’t get hooked on that. The point is, I’d always thought of violence mainly on the physical plane and not really considered it on the emotional level.
If you’re like me and think you are not violent then consider a few of these examples where I either gave or received violence:
- believing I’m the cause of other’s feelings (= me feeling guilty)
- using this belief to get others to do what I want (= others feeling guilty)
- doing things I thought I ‘have to’ because of concept of duty (= giving away my freedom and feeling trapped)
- using ’should’ to get others to do what I want (= trying to take away freedom of others)
- judgements to categorise people (= fear of being judged)
- believing I’m right and getting attached to ‘my way, or no way’ (= both me and others triggered into fight or surrender mode)
- putting aside my own needs to please others (= ignoring my own needs)
There are plenty of other examples I could name.
Each one creates suffering of some kind in me or in others. The suffering may be a tiny drop compared to the vast ocean of violence the human race is swimming in, but without the tiny drops, the ocean doesn’t exist.
Search for alternative ways of living
Having seen how I contributed to violence on the planet I determined to do something about it and find a different way to live.
There are plenty of alternatives available if you just search a little.
You won’t find them in the mainstream media and you’re unlikely to find them taught at school. Our society is still based on a paradigm of violence (both obvious and subtle) and change at that level is usually slow.
You will find them if you look, though.
You’ll find some of them here and you’ll find more if you check out the sites on my links page. You’ll find them in many organisations around you, locally, nationally and globally.
Most of all you’ll find them in yourself.
We all have peace and nonviolence in our hearts if we care to look for it. And that’s the best place to start.
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Whoa, Ian. Those are very loose definitions of violence, I think. I accept that if I THINK about hitting someone but don’t actually hit him, I have engaged in violence because the thought has gone out to the universe and creates ripples that help create our reality. However, I wouldn’t consider it violence if I thought about fulfilling someone’s needs other than my own. Can’t quite get my mind around this one…
Hey Daphne! I did say the definition was not perfect
You’ve picked up on a very important point, and maybe I was not completely clear in what I wrote, so thanks for the nudge!
What I meant was that I consider it violence (very subtle) to myself if I put aside my own needs i.e. sacrifice my own needs. Like the disappointed parent who says to the child – ‘Think of all the things I’ve done for you! And this is how you repay me?’.
I can think of many, many times I was living in self sacrifice because I thought it was the ‘nice’ thing to do and I only ended up damaging myself.
Ian, I do hope you don’t mind me speaking my mind. Your post did make me think. Yes I agree you probably weren’t doing yourself justice when you denied your own needs.
I’m struggling a little with this after reading a book on emotional abuse. Unlike physical abuse, there are no clear injury marks. Even if psychologists testify injury to the psyche, which of us have intact psyches that were never injured by others’ words or comments? So in that sense we were all emotionally abused / had violence done to us.
Hmm, let me think about this. Maybe I’m being too black and white about definitions. You’re definitely right that it’s tricky to know where the line is!
Daphne .. of course I don’t mind – the opposite in fact. I love to hear all reactions, as I’m learning all this stuff too. It’s not like I think I’ve got all the answers so your comments just help me check if I’m on track with myself or not. If it made you think, then that’s exactly the reaction I’m hoping for.
Ian,
I like your definition of violence: “intention and action to inflict either physical or emotional suffering.”
I think intention is the operative word. If somebody accidentally drops a book on my toe, it causes me physical pain, but it’s not an act of violence.
I am a little confused about “believing I’m the cause of other’s feelings (= me feeling guilty)”. Is that an act of violence against yourself or another?
I’m sorry, but this post made me laugh. Much of the above “violence” is the type of thing my mother attempts on me. I didn’t grow up with her, thank god, so her efforts are largely unsuccessful.
Emotional manipulation is just as impactful (if not more) than physical violence. When someone manipulates or brainwashes or tampers with your mind or emotions in any way, it is definitely a violent act.
During physical abuse people retreat to the ’safety’ of their mind and emotions. No matter what happens to our bodies, we know that physically they cannot reach the ‘real’ us. Emotional and mental manipulation strips of us of this remaining sanctuary. Having no command of your emotions or thoughts is a violation of the deepest kind.
In dysfunctional families especially…
- Wikipedia, Dysfunctional Families
I think you are right on with this post Ian. Violence is a huge part of our culture, but usually we call it something else. Most violence is nonphysical, habitual, perfectly legal and perfectly dangerous.
Guilt trips, snide remarks, selfishness, self-scolding, lying, and name-calling are all acts of violence, and they do hurt ourselves and others. What characterizes them is an attempt to apply force of some kind in order to produce a desired result.
Very very often, I hear somebody attempt to reduce another person to a nasty word, like “idiot” or “moron.” I catch myself doing this too, and in reality it’s a hideous act of violence, to dismiss every conceivable good quality in a person and sum their whole life up with a bad word, just because they cut you off in traffic.
Great post Ian, I think this is something that is hugely important, that nobody really talks about.
So interesting! I’d never really thought about violence in this way before and it’s so fascinating. I will be coming back to this and re-reading it. Really enjoyed this post!
Hi Ian,
Absolutely brilliant, my friend!
Violence can take on so many forms. Many people think violence is only physical but I think words are much more violent than actions because words leave more scars. Emotional scars are much harder to erase. Actually, you can never erase emotional scars, you just learn to live with them.
We are all works in progress and we learn by experience. Each person has a different perception and approach. Hopefully with each experience, we can learn to become more loving and less violent.
Interesting discussion, Ian. I’m with Roger on this, I think intent matters. There’s a Buddhist saying (which I have to paraphrase ’cause finding it would take me all day) that says cutting someone with a knife is an awful thing, unless you’re a doctor and the intent is to heal. Even something as straightforward as stabbing someone with a knife can be interpreted two ways, depending on the intent. So, I’m assuming the same goes for the other examples you mentioned.
Not sure how that reconciles with, “The road to hell is paved with good intentions,” but… whatever. I still say intent matters.
=-)
Good post, Ian! I’ve not thought of violence this way before, but I guess any action (or inaction) that results in pain physically or mentally/emotionally is a form of violence. Your post will certainly make me much more aware of my interactions with others as well as the impact it has on myself. Thanks.
Hi Ian: as always in case of your blogs – EVERYTHING resonates with me. In this case especially the notion of an idealized self image of being nonviolent – oh boy did I like to hide behind this one. Nowadays I am happy if not more than 20 % of my thoughts could be categorized as nonviolent – without diagnosing, judging, blaming…
Actually nowadays I believe that even a statement “I am nonviolent” alone is somehow violent – by fixating oneself in this perfect superior role and defining others out there as violent, you know, those that need to read this kind of blogs and attend this kind of workshops…
So, am I violent? A big fat YES, I am and will be, a bit in my actions, a bit more in my words a rather lot in my thoughts. But I am trying, man, I am trying real hard…
@Roger Intention .. absolutely. Though I think negligence can also be a source of violence, where there’s no intention at all. On refection, I might have been brief with the examples I used. With this particular point I think it can be damaging to me (e.g. you are upset and I feel guilty because I think it’s my fault … even when I may have no involvement at all). It can also be damaging to you if I’m constantly trying to please you in order to avoid feeling that guilt.
@Hayden Is that hysterical laughter I hear? Fully agree that emotional trauma is more harmful than physical .. as usually the effects last much longer (depends on the act of course!).
@David I really like this comment David as it adds a lot to the post.
Thanks!
@Positively Present Enjoy the re-read!
@Lisis I agree that intention is really important. Also (as in the case of the surgeon v mugger) the agreement of the other might be important too!
@Nadia ‘Hopefully with each experience, we can learn to become more loving and less violent.’ I not only hope, I trust that it happens moment by moment.!
@Laurie welcome and I’m happy to hear this post will make you think a bit deeper!
@Robert great to have you back in the blogosphere my friend!